Whoa! I slept all the way through the night without waking up once! That’s the first time this has happened in months. I’m going to have to set an alarm clock if I want to get up to drink coffee, shower, put on makeup and fix my hair. That’s so awesome. I can’t believe it. Last night was wonderful, too. I slept in a pitch black room with a fan! I was going to watch Euphoria, but at 9 PM I decided I had enough and just took my meds and went to sleep. I was completely asleep in under 5 minutes flat, no joke. The bed is a real bed (albeit a twin), and it was so comfy. The only thing that was kind of strange was the lack of people being around. I woke up and didn’t even see Jim at all. He had to go off site to get blood this morning, so he was gone when I left. I ran out the door at 6:48 am and everyone was at the corner waiting for the van. It kind of felt like grade school and waiting for the school bus. It was chilly and my legs were freezing.
Last night I focused on unpacking and organizing all my stuff, which is more of a challenge then you might think. If I were to get a roommate in my room, it could be a real problem. I need more hangers and more drawers. I’m also hogging most of the closet. I don’t mean to, it’s just I have a lot of clothes. I really expanded my wardrobe when I was at 2E. It needed to be done, I only had some basics and hardly any girl shirts. Now I have skirts, dresses, shirts and leggings. I’m going to go to Lulu and get Priscilla’s opinion on everything, she is a pro. She suggested pastels. I want some lulu leggings and oversized shirts. I really love that style and I think I can pull it off nicely, if I wear an oversized shirt. I can’t wait until I finally get surgery and can wear leggings and tight pants without having to hide. It’s such a bitch, I hate it.
I brought two bags with me, the pink mesh one that I had at 2w, my purse and of course Millie! I love it, I tote them with me everywhere here. They do serve a purpose though. The mesh back has my tablet, journal and laptop and my Kate Spade has things I might need like chapstick, lip gloss, pens, phone, sunglasses, airpods and credit cards. You know, the stuff that really matters. It is really nice to be able to walk around as much as I want and go outside whenever I want. Well, almost anywhere, we’re technically not supposed to leave the property without getting permission. Like yesterday, to go get meds, I had to get permission from Courtney. She told me to Uber, and I did on the way there, but it was like $10, so I just walked back. It was like a 10 min walk. I don’t know if that would freak Courtney out or not. We have to talk about her and our conversation yesterday.
Before I get into the serious stuff, like Courtney, I have to tell you how much I love seeing Polly every day and I can tell, they are just as excited to have me here. They’ve been showing me around and helping me with schedules and stuff, which is so nice. But we’re pals. She, Christina and I are sort of the three amigos and it’s only going to get better as more 2w people make their way over here. Margie is coming tomorrow, too. I like her a lot. Ohhh… just to a pretty serious wave of dysphoria/anxiety and I don’t know why. I feel much more at ease in this building. Maybe it was claustrophobia or something that was making me so anxious? Millie (the highland cow) comes everywhere with me here, too, and so does my super warm blanket. It’s really nice, the no blanket thing at 2w was really weird that they wouldn’t allow them, especially because that building was always so fucking cold. This building is cold, too, but with a big blanket it’s not even phasing me at.
I need to talk to Alina today about my missing packages that were supposed to arrive on Friday, but didn’t get there until Saturday, so they are just in limbo now. She said she would bring them. I also need my computer charger. I would just buy a new one, but Apple chargers are insanely expensive, like $100 and I already have two or three of them at home. Of course, asking my mom would just really fucking confuse her. And I still have to figure out these fucking meds. Clonazepam in particular, but also, Hydroxyzine… they didn’t have enough quantity to fill the RX, so I’m literally flying solo on no anxiety meds today. I don’t feel nearly as anxious, but it comes in waves where I just feel super dysphoric throughout the day. It’s the worst around meals, but also I just feel a little strange sometimes around people. Everyone here is super nice and I like everyone, but it’s still all new names and faces to learn. And then there’s the routine, it’s so much less rigid and I’m used to the structure. I did much better with the structure than I thought I would, I’ve not had structure like that in decades and it may be the most structured my life has ever been.
Today, in between scheduled things, I want to start scanning in my written journal stuff and update the blog appropriately. Other than calling Jude tonight, those are my big goals today. Oh and get my meds. It’s worth mentioning twice, because I really need my anxiety meds. I’m worried about what will happen after snack if I don’t have my anxiety meds. At 2E it was unbearable, so I don’t know what’s going to happen here. I fear I’ll just be pacing the parking lot or something and they are going to freak out about that, I’m sure of it. Also, I have to pee again. They make us drink the same amount of fluid here (but with ICE, yay!), and we can have sips of whatever whenever we want and even water bottles if we want. That’s new. We also aren’t supervised hardly at all. We have a group room upstairs that is really cool. It has a huge fireplace in it and a bunch of couches and comfy chairs. It’s where everyone hangs out when we’re not doing anything specific. There’s also a TV, books and a quiet dark corner. We’re allowed to stretch out and take naps. Polly said I could even leave groups if I need to for my first week. After week one, they want to know why you missed and you have to fill out a form to explain to the MC why you missed.
Today’s music: Lorde – Melodrama. It’s so beautiful and it soothes me so much. I know it’s kind of a sad album, but it’s also so hopeful. But the big thing is that I just relate so well. Her heart is broken and she is directing the heartbreak directly. It’s almost like a confessional love letter. But she talks about acceptance, too. She knows she has to move on, but she’s fantasizing about the good and ignoring the bad. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing and like Lorde, I need to forget the good things, the small trips to target or the adventure of getting a new piercing or tattoo. I know it’s the right thing to do, but there is the struggle, because I romanticize the good and ignore all the abuse, the fights, the criticisms and the abandonment. “When you call I forgive and not fight.” I would still take her call and I still desperately want to hear her voice, even if that means being put down or the abuse. I’d forgive and tell her to come home, if she would. ****Le Sigh**** I know I shouldn’t and I know she’s not going to call, but the sadness just really takes over when I start thinking about it. I want everything to be okay and normal. I miss our family, I don’t want to start a new chapter. Ugh. It’s awful.
I like how busy we’re staying. We just had snack and now we’re going to do some sort of programming, which still makes me very anxious and I don’t know where my anxiety meds are, it’s driving me a little crazy. Nancy (psych) was supposed to meet with me at 9:30 AM, but she never paged me, so I don’t know if I missed her, if she didn’t come, if I couldn’t hear the page or what. But I do know that we have to get this med issue sorted out. Now I can’t tell if I am anxious because we just had snack and I did terribly or if I’m anxious because they haven’t figured out my medication. I seriously hate controlled fucking medications. I know they are just trying to cut down on Dr. shopping and prescription drug abuse, but when people can’t get the meds they are prescribed because the system things that you’ve already picked it up (even if you haven’t), that’s a fucking problem and it needs to be fixed. Dr. Parsley said he would fix it and I don’t know what that means, hence needing to see Nancy. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s only in my head, but I wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs for 10 minutes straight when I get so frustrated like this. There’s not really a good way to handle frustration that I’ve found. You just have to be frustrated and not let it take over your mood. But all I want to do is pace and scream and maybe punch a pillow or something. I feel absolutely insane when I’m like this. It’s chaos in my brain again. I hate feeling chaos. I hate when my mind is so scrambled and I’m not able to make sense.
I had a morning “therapy” session with Alina and we talked about goals. I said that the heaviest I want to be is 135 lbs and anything over that is too much for me. She suggested that during rounds we talk about where I’m actually at right now, which she says is not close to that yet. But not close to that could mean a lot of different things. I’m not completing any meal plans and have actively been trying to lose weight, but I didn’t tell her that. She said we can discuss where I’m at and then every week talk about how close we are to that goal and then make a meal plan around maintaining that goal. I guess I feel a little better, maybe. I’m still going to restrict until I know it’s safe to eat the meal plan they are putting in front of me. I also keep bringing up the fact that I don’t have my anxiety meds. I will complain and tell every fucking person I can that until I get my meds. These stupid safety systems are so fucking out of control. I’m on the verge of a fucking panic attack and I have no fucking medication to help. And I know I brought it up yesterday, but that Safeway pharmacists was so fucking rude to me. I was trying to explain the situation and he just got super defensive and wouldn’t hear anything I had to say. It was more than just annoying, it was completely unprofessional and if I see him there again I’m going to complain to corporate. He wouldn’t even take a minute to come over and talk to me. So fucking rude. Dr. Parsley said he would fix it last night, but no one has fixed it yet. Nancy hasn’t shown up and I don’t have a ton of faith in her to fix it anyways, she was always messing up my scripts at Willow. She’s very nice, but Dr. Parsley understands the systems so much better, so I wish he would come meet with me. Alina said that psych would for sure meet with me today, one way or another. Ugh, I hate to devote this much attention to this stupid fucking topic, but those meds can be life or death if I’m having a panic attack. It’s so fucking serious, so I don’t understand why no one seems to be acting with any sense of urgency. It’s infuriating, actually. And I blame the stupid fucking law. The government should not be in the business of approving or disapproving medications. That’s why we have doctors and I have yet to figure out what the fuck a pharmacist is for, arguing with patients? Pretending they’re smarter than they are? Giving med school rejects somewhere soft to land? I mean, count the pills, a fucking machine can do that. I have another group now, they don’t fuck around with the number of groups that we have. Now we have as many groups as we have meals and snacks, maybe more.
One positive thing I can say for the morning is Alina came through on finding all my charging cords and stuff, so tonight, not only can I charge my laptop, phone and tablet, I can charge my fucking toothbrush. It’s exciting being a human being again, with abilities to do crazy things like charge my devices without asking for permission. I’m still not so sure it’s a great idea, but it’s an idea, I’ll say that.
We just had a group on willfulness versus willingness and for our ice breaker we had to give a scale one to ten on how willful versus willing we were. I’m three out of ten, so basically, almost completely willful and rejecting change. I’m ok with that for right now. Maybe the job of PHP is to convince me to be more open to change or that change isn’t going to harm me. I did bring up with Alina that part of it is that I don’t want a masculine body and it complicates everything. It’s not like my case is typical. My body is a big part of my identity (although not the only part, of course). But it definitely makes things more tricky. We’ve discussed this before.
I feel ugly today. I don’t know why, but I just do. I can’t will myself to be pretty and the image that I”m seeing back is not the Clara that I want to see. It’s this weird, wrinkled and old person, with hair that’s too short and makeup that needs a lot of work. I wasn’t able to take my time putting on makeup this morning, I had to rush. I definitely need to set an alarm clock tomorrow. It’s so important to me to get it right, again, because I’m judged much more critically than other women. And if I don’t wear makeup at all, well then I feel like my face is way too boyish. I think I forgot bronzer today, too. Fuck. It’s all bunch of fuck today. And where are my fucking meds, I am so freaking out right now. I just want to go back to Willow where someone took care of this shit for me and I always knew what I had available and I didn’t have to deal with rude fucking pharmacists. I hate not having a direct line to my psychiatrist, it always has to go through someone and that fucking blows.
I don’t want to go to lunch at all, I want to take my panic meds and curl up in a ball and go to sleep, even though I slept great last night. I’m so mentally tired, we have so many groups and snacks and meals and it’s all just feeling like a lot today. And, I’m used to being able to curl up next to the nurses station in the relatively dark hallway and fall asleep. I don’t think I can do that here. Well, maybe I can. But I need my meds. Fuck where are my meds and why is no one getting back to me about this. I’m going to go try and talk to the nurse.
I don’t think I like nurse Wendy and her absurd blue eye shadow. It looks stupid and trashy and she really fucking sucks. I went in there to ask her for help and she shewed me away, like I was some sort of pest and my emergency wasn’t as emergent as Polly. I know Polly’s situation is bad, so I’m not downplaying that, but the way she handled it was really fucked up. I have a medical emergency, too. You’re an ass, Wendy. She didn’t even listen to what I had to say, she just cut me off. It was fucking weird. I already hate her and she’s going to have to do some major sucking up to get my respect. Like, honestly, this is the type of shit that makes me want to go home and hang myself. I can’t get help when I need it and no one is listening. Alina hasn’t told me what’s going on, Nancy waved at me and left the building. Dr. Parsley has my name on his door for today at 9:30am, but apparently it’s more of a, “When I get around to you,” type of situation. I’m just going to curl up on the couch and sleep. Fuck group, fuck meals, fuck it all. I’m not going to supplement and I’m not going to eat, so why the fuck am I even there.
Ohh, what a weird fucking day. I finally got to talk to Dr. Parsley at some point in the afternoon. He got a message from Nurse Wendy and I guess that was enough for him to come grab me and talk to me. Basically, because they use a special pharmacy at ERC, when a patient discharges they just send any unused meds back to the pharmacy and then the state system updates that those meds were returned, so then a new script can be written and picked up at the local pharmacy. However, there is usually a 2-3 day delay between when the pharmacy gets the meds and when the new script can be picked up. It’s weird. And this is for controlled meds only, so for me, Vyvanse and Clonazapam. But fortunately they hadn’t returned the meds from ERC yet. So then, they had to figure out a way to bring the meds over from the residential unit to the PHP unit and all the legal shit surrounding that. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal considering that it’s a script with my name on it, hence the state run system saying it was too early to pick up the med. But, it is and they never send controlled meds with patients stepping down. They did send the non-controlled meds with me, so Flonase AND I have an extra vial of estradiol, which is nice, because that shit is in short supply right now. And it’s 20mg/ml (so double what I normally get), so it should last twice as long… fucking awesome. Anyways, I kind of had a meltdown. I felt really bad because I skipped out on all the groups in the afternoon and I think I skipped PM snack. But I made it for dinner and ate a salad. I did not eat my cheese quesadilla, not one bite, so I’m sure Courtney and team are going to be upset about that. It’s also the first week, so they are giving me a lot of grace, and they knew about the med situation, so they just let me sleep in the fireplace room. I basically hid under a blanket for the last half of the day, but it was the only place I felt safe. Weird, I know.
For HS snack, I actually ate the whole thing for the first time in weeks. I went over to Christina and Polly’s apartment and we all ate together. It was nice to have company. I didn’t stay late or anything, I just hung out, ate snack and then came home and started getting ready for bed myself. Then I realized it was 8:38 PM and I hadn’t called Juniper. Luckily she waited up for my call. I called her and told her I love her and that I was going to come see her on Saturday. We get out of programming at 4pm on Saturday, so I’m going to go home and hangout from like 4:30 until 9PM or something like that and just chill with the Bee. I know she will love that. I bet the animals will be excited, too. And my Mom will enjoy having some company I’m sure. I miss Jude so much. I really wish I could just go home now, but I think staying in these apartments and being around other patients is really good for me. They are such positive influences.
Me on the other hand, I’m a terrible influence. I went to pick up my Hydroxyzine and I bought 2 giant redbulls and chugged them. I think that’s the only reason I’m still awake. Then I sent Katerina and Betty pictures. Katerina has been texting me. She’s SOOOO cute. She went out today for more bloodwork and got another energy drink. Honestly, I think it’s fine. I didn’t do it when I went out because I felt really guilty about it. But the more I think about it, the sillier I think I was. It’s such a small pleasure, but just that extra sugar boost gives you such a rush when you’ve been drinking water only. Well, water and one cup of coffee. I think Katerina and I are going to be friends, I just absolutely adore her. She’s so smart and funny. AND she likes to curse like a sailor, which is perfect because so do I! She’s really young, but I like hanging out with people younger than me, it makes me feel more youthful and it’s not like I have one foot in the grave or anything. I still do all the things young people do, except drink. I HATE drinking. But smoking weed, yup. Staying up late, yup. Newish music, getting there, I’m updating my playlists. Katerina wrote me the nicest card before I left 2W and laminated it for me and I just thought it was the sweetest thing ever. I have it sitting next to my bed, next to the painting that Rose made for me and the card that everyone signed before Jim and I left.
Betty also sent me a text tonight which I thought was really sweet. She’ll be in PHP next week and I kind of have to look out for her. There’s a lot of misconceptions about Betty. She is a very sweet lady and means really well, she just doesn’t play well with others sometimes. But she doesn’t mean anything by it. She actually has a huge heart and would probably do anything for any of the girls in 2W. On her first night there, she gave me a bunch of clothes, fancy jeans and an iphone case, just to be sweet. She always looked out for me and took up for me if she thought someone wasn’t treating me right. And when she thought everyone was mad at her about the med window thing, I consoled her and told her, “last night’s actions do not define you as a person. And the people here have a very short memory. Just be your wonderful, charming self and they will forget all about it.” And they did and we all moved on. She’s going through so much with this divorce looming and trying to maintain the relationships with her children. And she’s only misgendered me like 3 times in the last few weeks, lol. She always corrects herself. She did it at Trever and my last dinner in 2W and everybody at her table facepalmed, lol. And she always calls me Claire and someone kept adding “A” to the end when she would say it. I don’t even think she noticed, but it was so funny. I give her a pass, she can call me Claire and even he/him me if she wants. I don’t know why, but when she does it, it really doesn’t bother me, which is weird, because anyone else that does it drives me fucking crazy and really hurts my feelings. I guess it’s just because I know she means well.
Oh, one more short story and then I’m going to call it a night, the sleep meds are really starting to kick in… but… I went to get hydroxyzine and Redbulls. I took lyft there and was chatting with Betty and Katerina when my phone just fucking died. So there I am at Safeway and I don’t even know the address to our apartments, let alone how to walk home (and it’s a pretty decent walk, at least a couple of miles.) So I bought a wall charger and cable. But, I bought the wrong cable, I bought the USB to USB-C, which means extremely slow charging, so all in all I spent SIXTY FUCKING DOLLARS on charging cables, which is just obscene. On the bright side, I have extras now. I’m going to make it a habit to take my battery pack in my purse so that this never happens again. Luckily, Safeway had a little sitting area with a bunch of outlets, so I was able to get my phone charged pretty quickly and get a Lyft home. It was so fucking embarrassing, I can’t believe I did that. The battery pack is such a huge fucking blessing to have and I think everyone should carry one with them if they can. We’re so dependent on our phones for fucking everything, so if you get stuck out somewhere with no way to contact anyone and no transportation, you’re kind of fucked. Anyways. I’m home safe. Jim grabbed his snack and went to his room to eat it. I don’t blame him, that’s what I did last night. He’s super chill and treats me with so much kindness and respect. He always holds doors for me and is almost even a little protective, in a way. Kind of like a brother would be. It’s really sweet. I’m very curious what the roommate situation is going to look like in a few weeks. I hope more of my friends from 2w make it over here before I go home.
Okay, low-key, I’m about to smoke some weed and put on a podcast. I’m going to set an alarm for 5am and try to get up no later than 5:30 AM. I want plenty of time to shower, get dressed and put on make up. I think I’m going to wear my long white dress tomorrow with my hearts cardigan. I think it will look super cute and when I go outside, I can take off the cardigan and get a little sun. I wore a short skirt today, so I think something long tomorrow makes sense.
Goodnight, my non-existent readers. If you do happen to stumble upon these ramblings and find them interesting, feel free to share them with a friend that you think might be interested. No pressure, just if you think they’d like it. Farewell, for tonight.
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