I woke up nervous this morning and my stomach was rumbling a little bit. I even dreamed of food last night. My body is still adjusting to my restriction diet. Okay, that sounds really bad, I know. Ahhhhhhh… it’s that fucking tug-of-war in my brain. I want to eat normally today and start back making progress toward recovery and I want to stop eating completely and quit this ridiculous game called recovery. I can’t remember what I was eating in my dream, but I specifically remember eating something… and the rumbles when I woke. It was so weird. Before I came here, if I woke up in the middle of the night hungry, I would just drink a Boost shake. The chocolate ones sold at the grocery store aren’t half bad cold (but not too cold, they turn to sludge). It was the perfect amount, 250 calories, then I could go back to sleep or whatever. Here, there is no option for midnight snacking and even when I get over to PHP, I won’t have that option. It’s still going to be a strict 6 times a day diet, including weekends when we have to cook breakfast for ourselves Sunday morning and dinner on Saturday night.
I ate most of my breakfast. Rice Crispies, pineapple, coffee, vanilla soy milk and strawberry yogurt. The yogurt was the only thing that I didn’t finish and it was mostly because I was enjoying my coffee and we were having a nice conversation, Katerina, Sarah and I. I didn’t supplement though, I don’t want to drink that horrible shit anymore. It tastes like medicine flavored chocolate. It isn’t mixed well and it looks like the texture is weird. And then there’s the soured smell thing that I talked about a while back. Yup, it’s still there. I don’t know why the Boost I get at Safeway is so much better than what they serve here, but it is.
I’m still wondering how the apartment situation is going to work for me. Will I be othered like I am here at the apartment? Betty wants to room with me and I would be comfortable with that, she’s super chill. However, I have no idea when she’s going to PHP. She’s been telling people that she’s going to PHP for weeks now, I don’t think her team has actually given her a date, but I could be wrong. Truthfully, if I was going on the same day as her or Rose, I’d feel so much better. And I still don’t understand how I am going to do so much better at PHP vs. being here. I know, they just want to make a change to my treatment plan, regardless of what that may be. I think the plan is to stick me over there for a few days and if I refuse meals, they will either send me to ACUTE (dependent on bloodwork) or back here, but on a different unit, which is pretty terrifying. I guess that would be motivation to eat again, maybe. The Vyvanse will be gone, too. I might just check myself out at that point. I will go home and start a more stable eating regiment, but not 6 fucking times a day. Maybe twice a day, a sandwich or something and try to maintain my weight between 130-135lbs. That’s where I’m most comfortable and what my real goal is.
I’m honestly just not sure about this whole recovery idea, since it uses minimal data points to come up with a supposed target weight that is way out of line with what I find appropriate. Ahhh… that must be the ED talking, right? That’s the problem, it probably is. I really wish I had made Phase II here before they kicked me over to PHP. I don’t, I just haven’t found the motivation and I think I’m just so much more complex than all the other cases. I hate it, because I don’t understand why I’m not getting better. And did I mention, what the fuck is PHP supposed to offer me that I’m not getting here?
Oh well. I’m going to get up and make my bed and get ready for the day. Positives today include seeing Brandon and I want to work on cards for everyone here, sort of like Polly did. Mine won’t be nearly as cool, but maybe I can just write something encouraging. I’ll work on it today and tonight, so if I don’t get as much written in the journal, that’s probably why. But don’t worry, my dear non-existent readers, I won’t neglect you too much. It’s not like my thoughts have slowed down at all. If anything, they are just ramping up with the anxiety of change. You’ll probably all laugh when I get to PHP and talk about how much happier I am there with the freedom to sit outside when I want and make appointments and do trips to see Josie and Natlalie (wax and hair, respectively).
And, of course, to see Juniper more. Her last day of school was yesterday and I found out that her amazing teacher Ms. Sharon won’t be back next year because apparently her school insurance won’t cover the necessary surgery she needs. That’s a huge loss for the school and for Juniper. So I’m nervous for next year. My mother swears she’s going to have Juniper writing her name by the end of summer and reading. If she actually puts in the work, I believe she can do it. I know Juniper is easily capable of both of these things. She’s so smart and she works really hard when she wants something. I love my kid, she’s the coolest. I need to see her in person every day, not once per week, it’s not nearly enough. And I’ve got to get my mother back to TN and start making real income again. I’m very grateful for all her help, but I need my space back.
One thing that I’m not sure about is how Susan is going to react to Brandon. Susan is Juniper’s nurse and my friend. She has been probably the single most supportive person in my life since coming out as trans. But she’s pretty devout Catholic and I have no idea how she will perceive me having a romantic relationship with a guy. I don’t think she’ll care much about his race or anything like that (as she shouldn’t because that’s fucking stupid), but I guess the question is, does she really see me as a woman. I can say that at some point I asked her to start calling me by my deadname again and she initially said ok, and then a few hours later asked if it was ok to just continue calling me Clara. It was kind of a weird, surreal moment where I felt like she actually saw me as Clara. It was powerful. But sex… that’s a whole other subject and it makes people uncomfortable.. I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.
I guess it is time to go start pacing in front of Splataaah, the morning shift should be opening up shortly. I don’t even know the people that are working today, I’ve never heard of them. Should make for an interesting last Saturday. All of my favorites have quit by now anyways. The world is chaos and so is my mind. It’s spinning and spinning, both the world and my brain and thoughts. But that’s not unusual, especially for this time of morning. What is unusual is that Betty and Katerina are not standing in the hallway waiting. It felt so lonely out there that I had to come back and write some more. Okay, let’s try this again. I’ll report back, stay tuned.
This new skirt is soooooooo short. Fuck. But I wanted to wear something extra cute for Brandon and this is what I came up with. Oh, just have to be thoughtful when bending over or sitting. I feel like I’ve got sitting down, I cross my legs or keep my knees together most of the time, but I forget when I drop things and bend over… could be embarrassing. Oh boy… this feels like the test of womanhood. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you, And for the second act, I’m going to attempt to find a quiet corner and try and figure out if I’m brave enough to do this without leggings. I keep getting compliments on my makeup and I’m not sure what to make of that. Maybe it’s really good or is it just people being nice. I almost always feel like I’ve overdone it or something. And given the serious lack of mirrors around here, it’s hard to check and see for myself. I’m really starting to feel self-conscious about my legs. I feel so naked. This skirt is too short, it’s too short. I can hear Danielle Gauthier shaming me all the way from her trailer park in Smyrna. “Slut, whore, cunt, TRANNY…”, she’s screaming in a jealous rage as she tears around in her 480 sq feet of redneck heaven.
Hey, guess what Danielle Gauthier, I’m gonna drive my Bimmer and get my nails done and body waxed all the time, while spending time with our kid and our animals. Enjoy spaghetti night in the hood. You gained so much dick though that you need sex dice to keep up? Awesome. Enjoy it, hoe. You fucking whore.
It’s early, I’m early. I made it out of Splataaah and was done with the med line and it’s only 7:28 am. That means at least 17 minutes to contemplate life. I feel pretty weak today, tbh. I definitely need to eat something this morning. Toast with peanut butter or cereal. Hopefully not raisin bran again, that’s too much for me to handle. Maybe honey nut cheerios. That would be tasty and give me the sugar buzz I need to get this morning started off right. Sarah is wearing the coolest silver skirt, a black sweater and the cutest mary janes with white frilly socks. I want white frilly socks like hers. I wish she lived in Denver, she’s so chill. She’ll be going to PHP in a few weeks I would imagine, I hope I get to see her there. She’s the sweetest. I think I left her card she made me in the cafe, so I’m praying it’s there this morning. We’re supposedly not allowed to leave cards in there anymore, we have to carry them back and forth. Weird rules are weird. Jim is over in the corner making his morning business call. It’s so serious, he looks like a business bro about to make a deal. I remember being good at business, lol. I don’t have the heart for it any more, but I respect that business people are needed. It’s an important skill, just not for me anymore.
Katerina was greeting everyone this morning by name and with her usual enthusiasm, “Gooood morning, Clara. Ohhhhhh, I LOVE the Skirt. Is THAT one of the NEW ONES?” She finds a way to make everyone feel special and tells us all, “It’s going to be a GOOD day.” Betty is trying out a new wig today, a little longer than yesterday’s. Since she’s been here, she’s gotten her teeth fixed, because they were so bad she could barely eat anything. And she’s been trying wigs, no doubt inspired by Belle and her long flowing wigs. She was losing some hair in the back, it seemed like she would curl it with such high heat it would singe. The wigs are working for her, they’re auburn, like her real hair, but full and flowing. And she loves wearing dresses, today she has a bright pattern of purple, oranges, traced with black lines and white in between. It’s quite beautiful, she likes bright colors and they look great on her.
Wow, I’m going to really miss the rush of the morning with everyone. I don’t know if everyone likes it like I do, but I think it’s so fun. The energy is so positive and filled with compliments for everyone. I know, it’s strange I guess. Maybe not. I think I just enjoy the company of so many people. And the mornings always start out this way.
I feel like the fact that I can’t name one Taylor Swift song somehow makes me invalid as a woman. What am I missing? And I mean, I’ve listened to a few songs, but I haven’t really listened to her full albums. Should I start with her first album and go forward? That’s how I usually like to listen to new artists. Start with their first album and listen to their progression as an artist and listen for key changes to style, based on growth as a person or other influences. I don’t know, I’m so anxious that just thinking about listening to something new is kind of scary. Why is it scary? LOL. Listening to new music is not scary and I should not feel fear around something that is supposed to bring me enjoyment or comfort. But what if I become a Swiftie, what then? Aren’t her concert tickets like $1000 each or something? Fuck. That may be a new habit that I just can’t afford. But all the girls are walking around with their Taylor Swift tour shirts and I’m certain I’m missing something. Maybe Taylor Swift is the kind of girl I want to be like?
My makeup is on point today, but I feel ugly when I look through the camera. My lips feel chapped though, which sucks. I don’t know why, I’m fucking hydrated. This happens, I just have days where I hate seeing myself and I feel so ugly, so manly, despite what I wear or how good my makeup looks. That all being said, I got my eyeliner to look right this morning. I’ve been taking my time with it and doing a better job. I saw how the other girls were doing it and I’ve tried to do it like that. I use a gel pen, so the secret is very, very light touches. I feel weird and anxious already today. Why do I feel so anxious already? It’s WAAAAAAY too early for clonazepam. I need to save it for when anxiety is at its highest and I need to be still, like before the first group. I’m determined to make all meals, snacks and groups today. It’s my last Saturday and I want to spend it with my peers. Plus, Asia is the MC and she is super cool. She’s so beautiful, with perfect milky skin and gorgeous long blonde hair. And she was one of the people that said my makeup was actually on point. She wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true, right?
Priscilla just came inside from the patio. I asked her if it was too cold and she had a concerned look on her face and said she felt weird. She started some new meds recently and I wonder if they are causing dysphoria, which Vraylar did to me. If so, I know how awful that feels. You just can’t get comfortable, so you stand up and move around, which makes you more anxious and so you try and sit down, but you can’t stay still, so you move around. It’s a vicious cycle and the only thing that helps me is benzos, clonazepam or lorazepam. I worry about Priscilla a lot, she’s so sweet and she deserves the chance to be happy. I hope we figure out a way to stay friends after I leave. Even if it’s just texting each other outfits and what not. She’s curled up in my favorite nap spot next to the exam room. It’s the quietest area with a couch and I go there to chill. Priscilla, Belle and Sarah also go there sometimes. I’ll probably put my leggings on after Brandon comes and then take a nap there this afternoon, but only after group. I want to check on Priscilla, but I’m pretty sure she just needs space and quiet right now. If she’s found a comfortable spot I don’t want to interfere. I’m going to ask her for Lulu tips later today though. I need to up my Lulu game and she’s the perfect friend to help.
One thing I’ve noticed is that I’m not the only girl that gets up and gets dressed, hates what they have on and then goes and changes. Betty does it all the time if she doesn’t like the way something looks. Sarah did it yesterday, she was wearing a cute as fuck dress with her long sleeve zebra underneath, and before I could compliment her, she changed. Rose did it this morning, she was wearing this oversized Paris shirt that hung halfway off her shoulder. It was so cute and trendy. But before breakfast, she changed into her favorite fleece and a normal t-shirt. It’s scary being around so many girls sometimes. If you don’t get compliments on your outfit, you worry that they are all judging you. I do it, too, all the time. I added a sweater to my ensemble this morning because I was afraid the knit top underneath was too short or too revealing, especially with the mini skirt I have on. Just more girl norms and I appreciate this one.
Ugh. I think maybe I want to play some music today. One thing that will be nice about the apartment and the freedom of PHP is that I’ll be able to play without a full audience. Sometimes I just want to play and sing and not worry about forgetting the lyrics or getting it wrong. My fingers have no calluses now, they’re super soft and delicate, which means I can’t play for very long before they hurt. I think I’m ok with callused finger tips on one hand. I’m a musician after all and I have to be able to express myself that way sometimes, whenever the mood strikes me. I think I have a nice singing voice. It’s not as beautiful as Lorde’s but it’s not terrible either, it’s much smoother than, for instance, the previous patient Violet. She understood music better and played piano really well, but her voice cracked a lot and she missed the pitch all the time. Also, she only played like 6 songs over and over again. I’m trying to avoid that, which is one reason I’ve only played a few times here. Ugh, I’ve got to pee AGAIN. At least someone else asked this time instead of me.
I want to pace, I’ve just got this really strong and nervous energy this morning, it’s the worst that it’s been in 2-3 days at least. It doesn’t feel normal at all and it sucks that I can’t figure out what’s causing it. I just want to get up and move, anywhere, just move, anywhere. I wonder how movement is going to be restricted at PHP, can we go for walks sometimes around the block or something. Ohh. I don’t know, I don’t think I want to be seen outside the building. I still don’t feel safe being outside, especially by myself. Maybe I just need to focus on something else for a little while. I could look for blog themes and find something cute that reflects the tone of the journal. I want something pink with interesting pages. I also have a lot of scanning I need to do, I want to upload my written stuff. I just feel so bad, like my head is humming. Is my Vyvanse dose too high now that I’m taking estrogen? I’ve read anecdotal reports from other trans women with ADHD that talk about how estrogen helped with their ADHD. Maybe my brain is better able to utilize its dopamine now? Dr. Parsley would fall out of his chair if I asked him to lower my dose or help get me off of Vyvanse, lol. That’s extreme though, this anxiety is this bad at home usually. But I also have to remember that I started Lexapro and Buspar which both might change the way my ADHD brain works, too.
Socially transitioning is the hardest part of being trans, without question. The people that you know and love fall into one of two categories, they either accept and support you or they don’t. There really isn’t a middle ground, even if they are unsupportive, but say they are supportive. They still fall into the first bucket. And it’s demonstrated in many ways. But, the worst part is that by socially transitioning, you have to accept that you will lose friends and family… it’s just part of the game. It’s also why Annie (outpatient therapist) and everyone else keeps telling me to build a new network. It’s easier said than done though. Brandon is so involved with LGBT stuff, but I don’t want being trans to be my identity. I want my identity to be a person that encompasses my core values of being a good Mom to Juniper, being authentic, being honest, being trustworthy and caring about others. Also, being hella stylish, although that’s not a core value, per se. If I had known the social transition would be this hard, would I have still done it? I don’t know. If I had known Danielle was going to run away I definitely would not have, but I think she would have run away regardless, so I guess I still come out ahead. Ugh. I hate these heavy thoughts.
The other thing that I was just painfully unaware of is that traveling is now dangerous for me. I’m not allowed to use the women’s restroom in many states that surround Colorado, like Kansas and Idaho (by far the worst). I could actually be arrested for doing so. But using the men’s room, especially if I’m dressed fem, is also really dangerous. That’s how beatings and rape happen. It’s a lose-lose situation right now, especially with this shit president showing open bigotry and encouraging white nationalism. It’s gross. I was also painfully unaware of how bad it would get under this dipshit. Not that it matters what I thought, Colorado is a blue state now and our votes all went to Kamala, especially in my district which is just outside of downtime Denver. It’s bluer than the bluest blue. Trump just ran a more compelling campaign, sadly. He used the power of Elon’s reach and Joe Rogan’s reach to get elected. So stupid. And unless he croaks from natural causes, it’s going to get worse before it gets any better. Maybe that’s another reason I want to be inside this hospital so much. It’s safe here, I don’t have to worry about going to the store and the clerks giving me stares or running into the wrong group of people while walking the dog. It was different when Danielle was around, I felt so confident. That’s part of my anguish with her abandoning me, she’s brave, I have to admit. I’m not a coward, but my confidence wanes depending on where I’m at and who I’m with. I do feel safe being with Brandon at least. He’s going to take me places, I have to remember that.
I want to crawl out of my skin and I hate it. Ugh. Also, it’s always so fucking cold in here and I’m freezing. Brandon better love this skirt, I’m suffering for him. I wish I could get my good concealer out of confiscated stuff today. I have just a couple of spots that could use it. The milieu is so crowded right now with the group room closed and I feel claustrophobic, not a good combo with the skin crawling bit. I need a safe space like my room to hide in right now. Snack was a disaster. It’s blueberry muffin and boost. I ate half the muffin and they brought out 16 ounces of vanilla boost, like I’m going to drink that, I would puke.
I ran out of the cafe and got clonazepam and I’m hoping it starts working soon. I did sit through group and participated, so I can give myself credit for that at least. I answered honestly and vulnerably. It’s not hard with this group, but we’re insulated, safe. We talked about our inner circle of influence and the different layers that we’re willing to let people see. I was surprised by who I let see me authentically, who they are in my life. Even though they aren’t that close, I trust them more than people like my mom or my oldest friends. It’s strange.
I worry that one of the things I said in cafe hurt someone’s feelings and I didn’t mean to, it was very light hearted, but she seemed a little distraught. I won’t do that again. Sometimes I miss social cues and I think this was one. I got some sideways glances for sure. Oops, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean offense, but I can see how they might have felt called out.
Recoverish Podcast is one Priscilla recommended to the group. Maybe I’ll start this tonight, I need something different to listen to at bedtime. I’m bored with Sword and Scale and true crime reminds me too much of Danielle anyways. I want to branch out and see what other kinds of podcasts I enjoy. Anything sciency, especially psychological stuff I really like, as long as the topics are close to topics that I care most about.
I really want to start a tiktok or youtube channel and make short videos about various subjects we talk about here, especially the confessional parts, where I talk about how I’m cheating myself. Anorexia is no laughing matter and I want to talk about it, have group discussion and connect with others that are struggling, but at the same time, putting myself out there is kind of scary. I hate how social media links you automatically to people in your contact list. I literally don’t want any of my professional contacts to see videos talking about my anorexia and transgenderism. I just don’t trust them enough to let them that close. A lot of those people are conservatives anyways, so what they think of me really doesn’t matter at all.
I’m feeling more calm now. Like the energy and anxiety are still there, but they are suppressed below the surface and I can at least think without being overrun by intrusive thoughts. Maybe I should eat lunch like normal? I don’t know, I feel like I’ve gone this far with the restriction, so what’s to hold me back from going all the way. Certainly not the levels of care, they are making a fucking point by ignoring my noutrishen behaviors and ED behaviors in the cafe. Like, I’m not even really getting redirected, it’s weird. Everyone knows I’m starving myself and they aren’t saying anything. What I am certain of is that they have some sort of plan and I’m not in the loop. I could tell Alina was very frustrated with me when we did the tour on Friday. I’m not excited, I should be, but I’m not. None of the answers that they have given me have been satisfactory and I still don’t feel like we’re on the same page. I feel like they are still going to push as hard as they can to get my weight over 150 and I will never feel ok with that. Maybe that is my ED talking. Maybe my ED behaviors will start to lessen if I hit that kind of weight. But no, no they won’t. That is going to get me back on terzepeptide or however you spell that shit, because I’m going to want to get rapid weight loss and if I am no longer able to restrict myself sufficiently, I’m going to get help from the drug.
What’s changed? Why am I suddenly against recovery? In principle I’m not against it. I do want happiness in my life, the “joy” they speak of, but I just don’t think I’m capable of it. All of the progress I was making over the last couple of months was bullshit white knuckling it. And I was barely eating anything, mostly peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheese quesadillas and it was mostly tired to Parsley wanting to take my Vyvanse away. I’m literally at the point where I’m like, fuck it. Take it if you want, I don’t care anymore. Maybe it’s not serving me well anyways. I don’t know. I honestly can’t tell up from down, sideways from backwards. I’m just floating along. The only thing that I can say with any certainty is that PHP isn’t going to work. I’m going to quit or get sent back up or transferred somewhere else. It’s gross. I’m not all that introspective at this point. The biggest part of me just wants to walk away. I know the people in my life will be enablers, I’m certain of it. They don’t understand eating disorders any more than I did when I got here. And it’s not for lack of trying, but they just don’t get it. I’m lost and I don’t know which direction I want to go.
I can’t tell if it’s the clonazepam actually working or what, but I’m really sleepy. They won’t let me skip lunch most likely and that’s ok. I want to sit with my friends, I just don’t want to eat anything. I’ll drink the water and maybe eat the vegetables, I guess. I haven’t even been finishing those lately. I wonder if I’ve lost weight, I’m definitely keeping the calories to a minimum, maybe even less than when I got here. It’s not like I’m walking death at this point. I still look healthy and feel mostly ok. There’s a little bit of dizziness, but mostly I feel just fine. I don’t want to make myself too sick. So I nibble and get some calories in at every meal, just not the meal plan that Courtney has for me. Fuck that. I’m not going to do it. There’s nothing she’s going to say to convince me. Nothing Dr. Parsley can say to convince me. I just don’t trust them at all. Even when Parsley isn’t talking to me in a condescending tone, I just don’t care about what he has to say. Do I even have an eating disorder? I don’t know. Sometimes I just think this is all bullshit made up by doctors to rake in mountains of cash from insurance companies. It’s grotesque if that’s the case. Are any of us really sick? Is anorexia even real? Even if it’s real, can it really be diagnosed? I don’t know, I’m skeptical. And I’m definitely skeptical of the therapy side of things. I’ve slowly lost faith in that over the last few months. I’m in my bed and I just want to nap. I feel like a nap would be more beneficial than a meal. Maybe an energy drink, then a nap. That sounds pretty fucking good right now. When I finally am allowed to walk over and get my meds, I’m drinking 2 redbulls right away. Maybe 3. I’m just going to slam them. Fuck it.
Ahhh, yes… it has begun. The slow and steady decline of the day. I can feel it, the energy starts to sink, the vibes start to lessen. The excitement and thrill of the morning dissipates and everyone starts to drag. I just need to get through lunch and then I get to see Brandon. That will be nice. I’m feeling woozy and a little dizzy now. I don’t think I’ve had 300 calories today and I bet my weight has dropped this week. If not, it should have. I think my blood sugar might not be that great right now. But it could be clonazepam, too. I don’t know. It could be a lot of things I guess.
The anorexic’s brain is a strange thing. I just had lunch and I was supposed to eat a quesadilla, 3 triangles to be exact. I ate 1 ½ and I somehow felt accomplished, not ashamed. “Do you get euphoria from restricting?” asked Courtney on Thursday or Friday, whenever we met. Maybe. I don’t know what I get from it. I feel numb and it gives me a goal to set for myself. I was setting healthy goals and then my team decided those weren’t fast enough, so that set goals for me that I don’t like and don’t agree with. They kept increasing my mealplan, saying they want my weight to trend up, despite the fact that my weight was going up, slowly. I was ok with slowly, controllable. Maybe 1 lb a week or something. But that wasn’t enough for them, it had to be faster. It had to be faster, more food, more calories, more volume. Giant fucking plates of slop that I hate. Thicker milkshakes with more ingredients. More ingredients in my parfait, likely some kind of fucking fat or protein powder. All the while, I’m kept completely in the dark on what these changes actually mean, what my actual weight is. All I know is that my team and I have radically different goals. And they’re placating me, allowing me to think that I have some say, but the reality is they are going to try and continue to push 150 lbs. They think they can walk me into a weight that I’m not comfortable with and that’s fucked up. I’ve seen this before, with Juniper. They try and do stepping stones to get you comfortable with the idea of something you are not comfortable with at all. So, I’m revolting. I’m rejecting their plan. My goal is no longer weight gain at all, but weight loss. I’ve said this before, I think, but I’m not going to agree to any fucking meal plan that isn’t a goal weight below 135. BELOW. It has to be on record that this is their recommendation. Otherwise, I don’t know if I want to continue this at all. I don’t like my team and I don’t trust them. I don’t believe them. I think they talk down to me, whether intentional or not, they do. It’s infuriating really.
And now, I know they’ve come up with some ridiculous plot to get me to PHP. Then what? I’m just going to start eating again because I get more freedom. No. I’m going to sneak around and get energy drinks and load up on those. I’m going to get my adderall from the house. I’m going to skip HS snack every fucking night and I’m going to refuse to cook on the weekend. I’m going to restrict my meals at PHP and I’m going to try and lose all the weight I’ve gained since being here. Recovery, what does it mean anyways? Accepting things that you believe are wrong or counter to your goals. Claiming a body that makes you want to puke when you see it? No! I don’t even know what anorexia means. Does it mean that I’m selective about what I put in my body? Does it mean I’m careful with my calories and that I run a calorie deficit most days. Yes. Does it mean that I’m rail thin and sexy to boys? Yes, yes it does. And those effects are what got me here. Clearly I’m not working well with this team. Why wouldn’t they just let me switch teams? It’s weird. Why wouldn’t they let me just try a different group of people. A new therapist and dietician especially. Alina and Courtney just aren’t cutting it for me. I don’t trust them. I don’t trust any of them. I don’t trust their plan. I feel like they are plotting against me and going to try and somehow trick me. It’s weird. The whole thing is weird. I feel like the only way to get their attention is to starve myself until my bloodwork looks bad enough that they will actually start working with me and taking me seriously. What does, “Most of your work needs to be done in PHP,” even mean. “You can nourish yourself,” says Courtney. No! I chose not to nourish myself. I’m going to shut down my stomach and digestive system much better this time around. Fuck this. Fuck recovery. I hate recovery. I hate it. I hate everything about this. I am defiant. I am rebelling against this team of phonies that are trying to manipulate and control me and my behavior.
Peers are always saying stuff like, “I’m going to have a good rounds with my team.” Bullshit. They are going to try and talk you into stuff that you are opposed to and if you don’t resist ferociously then they are going to push you into it. It’s never a good rounds. It’s always shady as fuck. The whole thing. The whole thing is shady as fuck.
I had a nice visit with Brandon and I’m pretty sure my mini skirt was a smashing success based on the way he was behaving, which I didn’t discourage. Frankly, I enjoyed it, although I’m pretty sure I looked like I had hair coming out of there. I can’t tell if I look ridiculous. Ugh. The whole confidence thing… it should be at its highest point right now. I just spent an hour with someone that absolutely adores me. I do wonder if there were little spies looking in the room. If so, they got a free show, although we kept it PG-13. But just saying… Oh boy… and Katerina in the room next door with her boyfriend. It was cute. She wanted the room with the windows, so I didn’t complain at all. It’s the first time they’ve given me one of the big rooms, so I was pretty happy with that. I don’t know what he does to me, but my whole body is buzzing and tingling now. It’s those neck kisses and down the side of my face. It’s almost too much, but it’s pretty fucking great. I can’t wait to get out of here to see him without anyone watching. Geez.
It’s movie time, I’m not feeling it. I’m going to head to my sleepy spot by nursing if no one gets there first and listen to music and sleep. It’s going to be glorious, oh and take some hydroxyzine top boot. It should be just enough to get me into a cozy lul, exactly what I’m looking for, let’s check it out. Oh… I need to get my grey hoodie out of my room so I can hide underneath it.
Dinner. Who needs it? It was that weird pesto ravioli and it’s just… not good. Now I guess I’ll hang at the med line party so I can try to get my meds before midnight. I took a glorious nap for the last group since it was movie day and it was nice, but not nearly long enough. I only had to sit through one group today, which was really nice, because the second group I had a visitor, Brandon, obviously. I get such weird vibes sometimes from everyone, but it’s all in my head. Tomorrow, I’m wearing all black in the morning of my last day here and my new life across the street for the next 8-12 weeks. I’m guessing it’s going to be more like 12ish for me. I don’t see myself being done with this place in 2 months. Actually, I really don’t think they’ll keep me there for very long, I’ll end up back here, but on a different unit or I’ll end up at ACUTE and then back here on a different unit. Ugh… But we shall see.
What am I feeling? Anxious and tired. Why? Because I hate big changes and they are emotionally exhausting, too. And that shit makes my whole body just feel drained. And I just want the day to be over so I can take my sleep meds and go to bed. That’s it. I just want to go to bed. I’m debating calling juniper back, because I had to hang up so quickly because they called a group. I feel so shallow when I give my Rose, Bud, and Thorn sometimes. But my dinner question answer was pretty funny. “What would be your superpower and why?”, I said, “shapeshifter, I’d save a fortune on plastic surgery.” I feel like I have to answer the dinner questions ahead of time tomorrow, so I can come up with some really clever answers. I like doing dinner questions, but only if I have really good answers. Ugh. Why do things that I like and love always have to change? Why?
It makes me want to cry, like a lot. I want to work on my cards for everyone tonight and tomorrow. It won’t be as fancy as what Polly did, but I just want to say some kind and encouraging words to everyone. I feel like I’ve let them all down by not eating the last week, but that’s not about them, that’s about my own journey and I bet it’s about to get wild. It wouldn’t be life if it wasn’t wild. I do want to get home to Juniper and start rebuilding my life, I’m not starting from zero this time, I’m building with a solid foundation and it’s going to be a nice life, with or without this eating disorder business, I’m going to make it a nice life for me and for juniper. We deserve it. I love my kid, she’s a superstar and I miss her every second of every day. I am her Mom.
Danielle told me that I was going to take over the role of Mom when I transitioned and I denied it, I’ll always be “Dad” to Juniper. But the fact of the matter is that I’ve always fulfilled the role of Mom, even if she calls me Dad. I’m both for her and I’m proud of that. I can nurture and protect and provide. I’m good at the three and I’m strong enough to do all three. I will continue my mission to give Juniper every possible opportunity that I can and work as hard as I can to do that. I love being her Mom (and Dad), and I’m so proud of her and her accomplishments thus far. We are aiming for stars, Juniper, and one day we’ll get there, I promise. We just have to keep trying, keep believing and never, ever, ever, give up.
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