Go figure, today is the day that I wake up still tired, my eyes barely staying open and it’s 6:08 am. Weird. Weird feeling for a weird, surreal day. I’m free tomorrow, sort of, and it’s good, right? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s really happening and I’m nervous and I want to go home. We can call this grand experiment a big failure, that’s what I’d call it. Or maybe not, maybe I got the things that I needed most from my stay here. I don’t know, I just don’t know. And the unknowns are always the most scary. That seems to be what life is right now, a whole lot of unknowns. It’s scary, because the plans I’ve laid are looking the most unknown. And I’m not well.
I’m better than I was two months ago when I checked myself in here. I’m not suicidal anymore, at least not the level I was when I got here. But I don’t trust that this is going to be the case forever. These things come and go. That’s mental illness in a nutshell. What works today may only work for a day, week, month, year, 5 years… you just don’t know. I know that the stress of life is about to get much harder and that the situation that brought me here has not changed at all. I’m still on my own, doing this by myself. I know medicaid wants to try and take away my nursing based on complete non-sense. They’re such assholes. That could also affect my income, which is bullshit; So yeh, scary. But I still have good things that I can look forward to and things I can do to improve my situation.
My head continues to spin and I hate this… the feeling of chaos in my brain. I don’t remember what I dreamed about last night. Danielle was there, but she was not front and center, more like a blip on the screen until the next scene. Maybe that’s what she really was for my life, just a blip until the next scene, chapter, whatever you want to call it. Maybe this is grief acceptance? I don’t know, but I don’t feel any differently. I’m still hurting. I’m still as sad as I was the day she left. I still feel she is missing. I’m still very angry with her. I still miss my friend and my teammate. I’m still upset she abandoned us. But what did she really do for us anyways? She was so critical of me and how I took care of Juniper, yet unwilling to help. Everyone that I know and love told me to get her out of my life, but did they really know. Annie. Annie knew the full story and she tried to get me to leave with Juniper and go to a women’s shelter. She knew, because I told her everything and she was one of the first people to tell me that I needed to get away from Danielle Gauthier, because she was dangerous. Her opinion, but she had some pretty good reasons. She knew the full story. The real story. Not some fantasy land BS that Danielle made up so that she could make me the villain and justify her awful behavior. These are heavy thoughts for 6:22 am.
I’m going to get up and start getting ready for the day. I want to make it a good day. I want to be involved in every group and meal. I want to make cards for everyone today. I want to be excited about the upcoming changes, whatever they end up being. I want to leave a positive impact on the people here. I think I already have, but today is the day that counts. People remember the last part they see of you the most, so let’s make it count. I’m ready. Let’s do this.
Music: Lorde – Melodrama
Katerina says I should find something more uplifting, but this speaks to me so much right now, it’s hard to change. She also said, “Ohhhhhhhh…Clara…. I love the all black.” I think she’s my favorite in the morning, just so very uplifting. It’s been a long time since someone was excited to see me in the morning. Maybe Brandon, but I don’t know.
Ok, not to brag, but I am killing it on hair and makeup. I’ve been really taking my time with eyeliner and given that it’s gel, going very, very light and it magically does its thing on its own. It’s amazing what taking an extra few minutes can do. I used to be so intimidated to do makeup in front of the other girls, but my confidence has grown significantly. It’s a good feeling, I feel proud of myself for once, which is something I haven’t felt in quite some time. It’s not just the makeup, it’s the overall feeling of actually not being scared to love myself. That’s powerful. Sarah gave me permission on that card that she gave me. Is that all it takes, really? I just needed to hear someone I admire (and I do admire her, she’s the coolest).
It’s going to be an interesting day, we’re understaffed. One BHT per unit, and we got Jessette, who is awesome, but to my knowledge has only trained for one day with Kristen. It should be interesting, that’s for sure. What a great way to spend my last full day here, with the inmates running the prison. It actually won’t be that bad, we love our staff, they’re our friends even with their authority. We treat each other well. They care about us and we care about them. It’s a neat relationship. I guess APN was kind of like that, too. I remember one night I was having a massive panic attack. I don’t remember why, but it was bad and at APN, they wouldn’t give you any benzos. I brought mine with me and they threw them away. I was so mad. Anyways, I went downstairs and just sat with their equivalent of a BHT and worked on a puzzle for a couple of hours. It was nice. I don’t remember her name, but I just needed some company. I think half of my mental health crisis could be solved with funny videos, laughs or just a smile. Maybe a conversation.
Am I questioning continuing? That’s the question Courtney asked me and I can’t answer it. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what recovery means. How can I continue or stop something that I can’t define? I thought that it meant eating normally. I was eating normally, for me at least. But that wasn’t enough. I had to eat more. More quantity, more variety, more, more, more, more. It’s just too overwhelming, I can’t handle it. Too much is too much. I’m not trying to change who I am. Is that really the requirement? How am I supposed to be comfortable in my own skin if I’m not allowed to care about my appearance? I would ask Alina, but she would just say, “I want you to challenge those thoughts…” or something completely unhelpful. I should reframe this thought, I owe it to myself to stay positive today. I feel more positive today.
Our dinner question tonight is, “If you could shapeshift, what would you shapeshift into?” I have my answer throughout, but I’m not sure if I can make it work. We’ll see, and will update later. I want to stay away from heavy thoughts today, as much as possible. I’m going to do some Lulu shopping and fill up my cart. I can’t order anything new until I get to the new place, but I can window shop. And I have to find an uplifting album or music to listen to. Maybe Solar Power or some Katy Perry? Katy is my go to for high energy, even though some of her songs are about relationships and breakups. Maybe I should just skip when those come on? Or maybe I should listen to her first album. Or, Taylor Swift, I want to know what I’m missing. Mind you, these are all artists that Danielle Gauthier would make fun of, except Lorde. But even Lorde, she only listens to her first album, Pure Heroine, which is great, but her later stuff dives so much deeper into life, love and even mental health. Oh, I want to listen to that British artist, rapper guy that sings about his mental health. I have to find him again, he’s so good and gives off positive vibes.
I want to use all of this nervous energy this morning for something positive. My choices include:
- Journaling more, trying to branch out on subjects for today’s journal
- Scan in pages of paper journal and upload
- Pictures of the milieu
- Make cards for everyone
- Play guitar
- Listen to positive vibes music
- Work on style for blog, find more options
- Window shopping
- Start a conversation
- Anything else?
I’m feeling more drowsy today than usual. I wonder if Lexapro or Buspar are starting to work better. I’m sure they both can make you drowsy when they first start working, since they work on dopamine and serotonin receptors. That’s how these brain meds are, it’s like you feel nothing for days, sometimes weeks, you continue increasing the dose and then one day, things just start to feel better. I wonder, is that what I’m experiencing? I really didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, but not in the depressed kind of way. It was more of, “I’m comfortable and still drowsy and feel like I could sleep in for the first time in months. I’m glad I did, I really do enjoy the mornings here. I’m also looking forward to getting up earlier at the apartment and taking my shower and doing my morning routine at my own pace. This will be especially true if I don’t have to share a room or bathroom with someone. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a real roommate, like Betty or whoever. But I really enjoy my morning routine. It’s one of the things I miss most about being home. Ugh, I don’t want to think about going home yet, that makes me super anxious. Let’s focus on one step at a time, big changes are already coming.
Okay, Miss procrastination, I need to pick a project and work on it. Journaling is such a cop out, I do it all day instead of doing the other things that really need work. Buying a custom wordpress theme and stylizing the blog better is one thing I really want to do. Uploading those written pages is another. Google is so weird and unpredictable. It indexes, de-indexes, then indexes for real, then goes under manual review. It’s one of the reasons I got out of SEO and marketing, the predictability and reliability of the major internet neighborhoods sucks. And you can do everything right, be completely compliant and they still just shut you down or de-index, or kick you off of their platform. I do have one secret weapon that I’m debating using. I have a bunch of very old videos on youtube and I can link to websites in the about section and it would probably get me indexed faster and more reliably. But at the same time, I want this to be an all organic project. I want to continue writing lots of unique content and let google decide what it thinks is worthwhile. I don’t think I’m bold enough yet to make a Youtube channel. I might make an Instagram account though. Boring. Sorry. I know, I know, this is probably boring and not why you’re reading this page. I’ll move on shortly. I think it just ties into my todo list and also my eating disorder, as procrastination is a major part of both eating disorders and ADHD.
ADHD has long been my super power. I can listen to and hold multiple conversations at once, I have a constant stream of ideas, making my brain a creative powerhouse. I can find solutions to nearly any problem you put in front of me, save anorexia, cocaine addiction or preserving my marriage. But otherwise, give me your biggest problem and I’ll figure out a way to solve it using whatever resources are available. I used to say that my job at Suited Connector had little to do with marketing and everything to do with problem solving. I was great at it until I got so massively depressed I couldn’t stand to look at a computer screen for more than a few minutes a day. I could barely get out of bed. Looking back, why was I so depressed? I guess I’ve been that way for years and just never gave it much thought, because I found ways to be functionally depressed. Then I found cocaine and it was the best coping mechanism that I’d ever experienced. I had energy and excitement about everything when I was high. Of course, the problem with that is that you don’t stay high and the lows are so low you want to die, until you figure out a way to get high again. Ewwww. What a horrible way to live. I’m so glad to be done with drugs (except weed, I will definitely smoke weed once I’m done with this anorexia bullshit.) I digress. Cocaine use got so bad, I was waking up at 6am after sleeping 1-2 hours and doing more cocaine just to wake up and function during the day. I was also abusing my ADHD meds at the same time, so super dangerous. But the truth of the addiction was that I wanted it to kill me, similarly to how I wanted anorexia to kill me when I first got here.
I don’t want to die today, I’m relatively content and I love myself enough that today I feel beautiful and authentic. Maybe the anxiety is less? I can’t tell. I have been sitting next to Katerina in the group room, sharing a couch and that’s made me feel less anxious about being in here. She’s the coolest and she lives in Colorado. It would be awesome to hangout with her and her boyfriend sometime. Maybe a double date or something? There’s an age gap, but I don’t really think that matters, I have a young heart and spirit. I don’t dress like my age, I like to stay stylish and trendy and I’m pretty good at it. Weird, we just got kicked out of the group room and now I’m feeling anxious in the hallway, so the reverse of normal. I don’t understand my brain most of the time, I guess that’s what treatment is about, learning your brain and how to manage its different phases, moods, etc. Miram (she’s my regular psychiatrist outside of here) said something so powerful to me, long before I came here. She said, “You’re more than your relationship with Danielle.” I think she was giving me permission to love myself, too. In fact, the only person I know that denied me permission to love myself was Danielle Gauthier. Annie gave me permission, Josie gave me permission, and to my surprise, my Mom did, too. I guess Murial was doing the same thing all those years ago now. Lindsay Marie Morris and Danielle Gauthier are the only ones that denied me permission and tried to take away every shred of dignity that I had. Hmm… the ones that were supposed to love me most were not fanning my flame, they were trying to extinguish it. Such bullshit. I think I deserve people in my life that lift me up and that I can lift up. I am allowed to and deserve to be loved. DO YOU HEAR THAT DANIELLE GAUTHIER, I DESERVE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOUR ABUSE AND TO BE LOVED BY OTHERS. You would deny me that, but I’ve taken my power back and you’ll never control me again. Ohhhh… too heavy these thoughts.
I’ve taken step one to writing cards for everyone. I’m going to go down the hall and get names on cards and then write a message to everyone. Or maybe the people that have influenced me the most. Am I being melodramatic? I don’t want to be, I just get so attached to time and space and then romanticize it. I should make staying present one of my values. Isn’t that how you find happiness? Happiness = finding contentment with what you have, where you are and who you’re with in each moment of your life. I’m actually very fortunate, I’m blessed or lucky, or whatever you want to call it. I need to remember that. I have Juniper, she’s the greatest blessing in my life and all the pain that I’ve experienced because of Danielle Gauthier is worth it, I got a daughter that I adore out of it. I’d go through 100000000x the pain for Juniper, she’s worth every single millisecond. She lifts me higher than anyone else ever. When I’m done with treatment, I’ll go home to her and we are going to live a wonderful life. I’ll be with her as long as she wants me to be.
I wonder what my greatest needs are to be happy and content. There are basics: shelter, clothing, nutrition, companionship and belonging. I think having those five things is all I really need. I already have those, so why do I get depressed or feel like a piece is missing? My companionship is evolving to be more open. I’m going to have more people in my life, I’m going to be ALLOWED more people in my life. That’s a happy thought to hang on to. I’ve said that weekends were always the toughest without Danielle around and Brandon is going to give me his weekends. For right now, that’s good. I’m happy with that. We can do stuff together and stuff with Juniper, which is exciting. One of the things that I like about Brandon (and there are quite a few) is that he is stable and knows how to maintain balance in his life, something I’m terrible at, so maybe I can learn from him. He has a lot of friends and he makes time for them. He takes care of the ones that need help if they ask. He’s the opposite of Danielle, he wants to make me a bigger part of his life and help me find new friends. It’s only strange to me because it’s the opposite of the controlling relationships that I’ve been enduring for decades. Is this what a healthy relationship looks like? I genuinely don’t know, but it feels good. It doesn’t feel like there’s a power imbalance and I like that. I can be delicate without being controlled. I need to remember that and never let anyone have a power imbalance over me again. I have to be more aware and prepared to walk away if that starts happening.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to travel again. It’s so complicated right now because of the passport issue with trans people. Which, I guess it’s not a big deal, I just have to use my deadname and look masculine when I travel. It would feel odd because I’ve been Clara for almost a year now. But if I wear a hat and no makeup, I can still look mostly masculine, I guess. Sport’s bra and baggy shirt to hide the boobs. I guess that goes for traveling interstate as well. I was talking to this guy that works for a trans advocacy group, and he said, just use your birth name and sex on official documents and just think about it like it’s an error. Such a smart idea. If I do this, then I should renew my passport now, in case we have to get out of the country fast. I know, to most people this probably sounds paranoid. But this is how oppression of a group starts. Mocking, spreading of disinformation, portraying them as unstable, unbalanced, mentally ill, etc. Then average people that don’t have a connection to this group can justify treating them with cruelty or ignoring their existence as a whole. I guess I have hesitation with this journal, too. I could easily make myself a target, especially if I start getting regular visitors or my name becomes known. From that perspective, I kind of want to hide. I remember in 5th grade, my teacher had this slogan on the wall, “What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.” Do the right thing, regardless of the consequences. That’s what I think this journal is about, making someone else that’s going through similar circumstances, be it abuse, transition, anorexia, divorce, struggling with mental illness or having a child with special needs, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to identify with all parts of my life to identify with some of them. I need to be brave and bold. I need to do what’s right, not what’s popular. Make the right choices and not be scared. Standing up to hatred is one of my values. I hate bullies and I won’t be intimidated. I’m done letting fear rule my life, I will be brave and bold and fuck the consequences. I’m on my own now, I have to stand up tall. Authentic me wouldn’t let fear rule her life, so neither will I.
Okay. I’ve taken a small step to accomplish one of my goals, writing cards for everyone. Yay! One task started and I can work on the cards in my room during roomtime. I feel a lot of positive energy today, even though I’m dreading tomorrow. Make the most of the day, right? Try to appreciate the moment and don’t focus on what’s next and miss what’s happening right now, right? Am I doing this right? I don’t know, it’s so complicated, this happiness thing. I feel like I’m falling apart with every change. Chaos is the worst way for my brain to be. Like it’s spinning and scrambled and smashed against the wall and I’m always trying to put Humpty back together again, but squished egg, not brain. But I feel positive, mostly.
We’re going outside for group, I hope it’s warm. It can’t be much worse than the hallway. My hands feel like they are going to freeze off today. They’re almost numb and my fingers actually hurt. It’s awful, maybe PHP will be warmer? One can hope and dream of basking in 75 degrees all day long. It’s warm, but not hot yet. I had hoped to at least take my hoodie off and put my sunglasses on, but we’re just not there yet. We looked at the temp right before we came out and it said 72. Ironic, because that’s what all the thermostats on the unit say, too. They lie. It’s much colder inside than it is out here. Today we have a new MC and I forget her name already, but she is using materials straight from the book, which is a little boring, but she’s new, I think, so we have to give her grace and let her do her best.
I’m tired already, I guess the clonazepam is slowing things down a little bit for me, just like it always does right after snack. That time when things get hectic in my mind and when I start to feel challenged to finish or eat snack. It was weird, too, my breakfast didn’t have yogurt, which it always does. So either I forgot to circle it (doubtful), when they transcribed it to the little sheets the BHTs use, it got missed, or some RD fucked with my menu. I also had a tiny bowl of cereal today, which was weird. Some days it’s a huge bowl and others it’s a tiny bowl. Audra had the same cereal, but the large bowl, fruit and yogurt. WTF? I’m sure it was just some stupid error, but it feels like they are fucking with me. I restricted, I want to send a message, I’m not going to complete a meal plan. I’m going to eat until I don’t want to anymore and then stop. Going to PHP, working through emotions around eating, all these things. I don’t think they are actually helping me. Ugh, broken. I feel so fucking broken. I ask this everyday… Why am I not getting better? What is it about me that makes me so resistant to the people that tell me how to help myself? Why do I ignore the advice of the people that deal with eating disorders every single day? Trust. Trust is my biggest factor and I still don’t feel like my team is really on my side. I don’t feel like Alina has helped me at all. I don’t think I’m ready to make the changes they want me to make. So many reasons and here goes my brain doing loopty-loops. How strange. I feel strange. I want to feel normal. I feel ugly again. Why doesn’t the image make me feel good, it makes me feel ugly, now. Where did my positive energy go? It’s like a video game character that’s fighting through a stage, they start out will all their bars full, but slowly as they work their way through the stage, they encounter things that begin to drain them and if you can beat the mini-boss at the end before your bar gets to zero, you have to start all over. My bar is in the red and I’m going to have to start at Stage One, again.
I need to offer kind words to myself, that’s one of the things we’re talking about right now. Positive self talk, being more mindful and accepting pain without judgement. I think being judged so harshly for so long by Danielle Gauthier makes it hard to do all these things. I want to contribute to the group, but I feel so drowsy today, so weird, because clonazepam hasn’t done this to me in a week.
I’m so drowsy and I do not want to be outside for this group, but I’m doing it because I committed to it today. We’re talking about values that are most important. My black pants are so hot right now, I can feel my legs searing and burning through and my skin is on fire. I’ve been working on relationships, especially with my mother. I’m dedicated and committed to being Juniper’s Mom and being there for her. I haven’t quit this place yet, although I got really close 3 weeks ago. I’m going to PHP despite thinking it’s going to be a waste of time and I’m going to end up back here. I haven’t given up on myself, although I was ready to a few weeks ago.
I’ll be honest, I was fantasizing earlier about getting my belt back tonight and hanging myself overnight. That’s the closest that I’ve come to doing it since I’ve been here, except that one day where they room searched me and took my belt. Not like it fucking matters. I’m a goner tomorrow and no fucks seem to be given. Jessette didn’t even record that I didn’t finish my lunch, lol. So they are going to think I completed a meal, which is annoying as fuck. No, no I didn’t complete that fucking meal and I didn’t do it on purpose. Now I’m going to have to not eat a single fucking bite for dinner to making a goddamn point. And both PM and HS snack, I have to avoid eating anything, too. Yay! I really just want to skip the fucking cafe, but I want to see and talk to everyone. I’m just too sad and I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go to PHP and continue. I just want to go home and get better at restricting again. I don’t want to do these stupid fucking groups any more. Even if I get to see Polly every day, I don’t want to be there. I don’t. The building is most definitely NOT secure, any fucking body can walk in and wander around. I don’t feel safe there, the group rooms are right by the front fucking door. It is not the same thing. But it doesn’t matter, I’m going. I hate it and I’m going. I’m not ready. And I’m going. I don’t want this. And I’m going. I can’t kill myself, right? I have to hang in here or at least let the ED kill me. I can’t hang myself, right? Everything just feels so dark today. I feel dark and maybe this is depression. Maybe I was depressed this morning and that’s why I didn’t want to get up and get out of bed. Maybe the depression intensity has worsened. I don’t know, it’s hard to say. I’m feeling lost. I think I keep repeating that because it’s the most accurate description of what’s going on in my head. My ED voice is louder than ever and I really just want to go home. If I have to leave here, I’d rather just go home and give up. If I’m losing the security of here, then I want to be at home with my girl, my dog, my cats, my boyfriend. I’m tired of fighting and I want to get my restriction back down to 500 calories or less a day. Fuck this place, they don’t know how to fix me, I am broken. I am, nothing will fix me. Maybe suicide is the best option. I could wait for the 15 minute check to go by tonight and then hang myself. I’d be really fucking dead long before they made it back down to me. I don’t know, it’s a thought.
My biggest fear is myself and being on my own again feels so dangerous and risky. I don’t trust myself, I can’t promise I’ll be safe. I won’t have a nurse to talk to or BHT or friends. I’m so depressed. Ugh. True that I only have 10 cons to leaving, but they are 10 really big cons. Like, life changing ones. I’m not going to eat another bite today. Not one fucking bite. I’ll drink my water and my tea, but not a single fucking bite of a cookie, milk or anything else that has calories. I don’t care about recovery. I don’t fucking care.
I’m about to have my last dinner here. Betty totally was walking down the hall with a card with my name on it that everyone had signed. I love you Betty. I hate surprises anyways, but I can fake surprised like nobody’s business. I think I’m so upset about leaving here because I know my place here, I know where I fit. I have confidence in where I fit and now I’m moving to a new atmosphere with new people and I have to start again and learn where I fit all over and that’s intimidating. It’s not a good reason to stop eating though. But, I like restricting, it makes me feel good, like I’ve accomplished something. I’m not even that good at being anorexic, I eat too much and haven’t mastered the tiny slow bites trick AT ALL.
Okay, 6:29 PM and we just finished dinner and it was a really fun last dinner. It included singing by Ella, dancing by Margie and lots and lots of laughing. It was great. They made Jim and I cards signed by everyone and it was really nice. I’m not going to get emotional until tomorrow morning, but I do feel a sense of grief. When you live with these people this long, they’re more than just co-patients, they become like a big family. I have so much respect and love for every single one of them and my heart is breaking, even though I know going is the right thing to do. I made them all little cards with a message and I’m going to slide it under their doors at like 4 AM. That’s the plan anyways. I still have to pack and I need my suitcase and duffle bag. Not really sure how I’m going to fit all the new clothes that I bought in these two bags, but I’ll make it work, somehow. Also, I can’t forget my guitar. Ugh. I’m so emo. Breakfast tomorrow is going to be hard. Tonight, just going to enjoy the company and have fun and try to get some sleep. Coffee in the morning is still the thing I’m most looking forward to. However, as soon as they send me to Safeway to get my meds, I am going down 3 redbulls back to back to back and see what happens. Only good things I hope.
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