I’m so MAD. I was supposed to go get coffee with Christina, Polly and our other friend that has a car, but I had stupid fasting labs this AM, so I couldn’t go. I sort of mentioned it yesterday, but my phosphate levels were dangerously low yesterday. They had me supplement three times, in the afternoon, before bed and this morning. They’ve never asked me to supplement that much, so I guess it was really bad, like 1.9 whatever and it’s supposed to be at least 3.0, so yeh, my bloodwork was shit. Kind of scary, but this is the type of shit that kills people with eating disorders. Phosphate is an important electrolyte and is especially for heart function, probably why they were freaking out so much. I bet they make me do an EKG in the next couple of days and I’ll have to have labs drawn every day for next week most likely, so my arms will be bruised and it starts to hurt a little bit after the first couple days of being stuck. I used to be scared of needles, but so help me this place teaches distress tolerance and they start with needles, because I’ve been getting labs twice a week, minimum, since my first day here. It’s cool, I don’t really care at this point. But, I am of the attitude that I don’t want to die anymore, so maybe the Lexapro or something is helping with the depression that I didn’t even realize was that bad. Oh and Ella is coming over here today. I’m super excited, she’s so funny and she has worked SOOOOO hard at WIllow. She’s definitely earned a spot over here. Oh and I got here and Christina had fasting labs, too, I guess she just said fuck it and had coffee anyways. YOLO?
At Willow they asked you everyday for “safety numbers” that I’ve talked about before. They don’t really do that here, but the good news is my numbers are still 0,0, which might be a record for me. I am so used to having suicidal ideation be part of my life, I almost feel like something is missing from my day. I know that sounds weird, but I think those thoughts just become muscle memory at some point. It’s how your brain escapes the trauma or stress and now I’m not using that maladaptive coping skill, thank god, because it was actually really exhausting. That’s not to say all my thoughts are great. Yesterday, my attorney asked me if I would be opposed to using some court ordered app to communicate with Danielle and I kind of freaked out. I had a panic attack last night and woke up thinking about having to communicate with her. Every therapist and psychiatrist I have has said that the only way I get healthy is to have no contact with Danielle. The reasoning for the app is allegedly because, “it’s time stamped and messages can’t be deleted.” Guess what… emails are time stamped, tell the location the user sent the message from, what device they used and can’t be deleted once sent. That’s why using email to document things by sending email to yourself can be used in court as a reliable record. And speaking from an opsec POV, using some 3rd party app that the government probably contracts is an OPSEC nightmare. I would imagine that it’s closed source code and hasn’t been vetted by a neutral third party watch dog, like EFF, so god only knows what it’s doing in the background on your phone, where the messages are being stored and who has access to those messages. Anyways, I pushed back, because this is just Danielle manipulation. She’s been communicating with Susan, Juniper’s nurse, for months to get status updates. I’ve been in the fucking hospital, so I don’t know what information I could give her that Susan can’t. Susan literally goes to school, to PT, OT, ST and doctors appointments and spends a lot of hours just hanging out with her. They know each other well, almost as well as I know Juniper. AND Danielle likes Susan, so there is no reason they can’t talk about whatever Danielle, who told me she wants to sign over parental rights multiple times, wants to know.
And now, I have to deal with the anxiety of Danielle trying to get back into my life, even if it’s with some shady app. It’s stupid. She doesn’t need to talk to me, she wants to control me. This is more of her manipulation and it’s bullshit. The only way I heal is to have her gone from my life forever.
I mean, let’s think about this. An eating disorder is a manifestation of something else that’s going on in your life. It started and got really bad when Danielle left to go visit her boyfriend the first time last year. I went five days without eating. That was the first time I had done anything that extreme. And even when she was living in that stupid fucking apartment, when she was mad at me I would stop eating (trauma bond shit). I could only eat when she wasn’t “mad” at me and things were ok. Again, that’s the stupid fucking trauma bond thing. And what the professionals tell me is that trauma bonds can take YEARS to break. Also, Danielle pretending that she wants to have a say in Juniper’s care is absurd, she disappeared for weeks and now months, she doesn’t get a say in Juniper’s care anymore. SHE is the one that asked me not to call or text her, which I have respected. I haven’t even tried to get in contact with her one time. She sent me emails and I just forwarded them to my attorney because I didn’t want to engage with her. She changed her number supposedly, despite the fact that no one was texting or calling her. She’s the one being weird. This BS with the communications app is just her training to regain some control over me, which is what she’s all about. The professionals tell me that she’s probably going crazy, because her attempts to get at me have been unsuccessful. She’s done some really fucked up shit, like changing passowords to shared accounts and signing me up for text messages for Turning Point, the Charlie Kirk organization that says I should be sent to a concentration camp or mental asylum just to harrass me. I didn’t respond, I just told my lawyer about it, I’m not taking the bait. Fuck her.
Time for breakfast. Ugh. At least I get one cup of coffee. Breakfast went about as expected. I ate some of my frosted flakes, a few pieces of fruit and a few bites of yogurt. I only got half a cup of supplement, so I guess they gave me 50% or something. I don’t know how true that is, but whatever, I’ll take it. My value today is persistence. My challenges are mostly around Danielle’s request to communicate. She’s in my head, again. I sent a very detailed email to my lawyer that talked about the reasons why I shouldn’t have to be in direct contact with Danielle and how this is just another attempt to manipulate and control me. And I told her that literally her just asking gave me a panic attack and anxiety that kept me from sleeping well. It’s that serious, that’s the effect that Danielle has on me. It’s consuming and I hate it. It’s this strange power that she still holds over me and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of it. Don’t get me wrong, I actually wish the best for Danielle. I very much still love her with all my heart, even though I’m hurt and angry. But I don’t think she loved me at all. Someone that loves you can’t do the things that she did to me, especially lying about me and making herself a victim based on pure fiction. I know it’s the mental illness and disorders, so I don’t even blame her. Her brain is sick, it’s not her fault. That’s why I’ve already forgiven her. But that doesn’t mean that I find her behavior acceptable, at all. Okay, I need to let the thoughts go for now. I’ve felt the chaos, the hurt, the fear and the anxiety. Now I need to find other thoughts to think about.
Let’s talk about something fun! My outfit today is so fucking super cute. It’s this flowing long dress with a white cardigan that has pink hearts on it. I’ve already gotten so many compliments and I have to say, I nailed the makeup today, it’s on point, my eyes are on fire. I feel good, mirrors are being mostly kind and I’m seeing Clara stare back at me, which is a change from yesterday. I’ve got 15 minutes until our next group, so I think I’m going to step outside and get some air and sunshine. We’re also going to go on a walk (to a different place today) after we do some group stuff, I guess more journal prompts, which are a piece of cake for me of course. I wish my white shoes were here. I don’t even think they’ve shipped yet ☹️ So they’ll probably get here next week some time. I’ll post a picture later and a pic of my flowing white dress and cardigan. It’s worth a look, trust me.
I just stepped outside for a few minutes before the next group and OMG, the sun is so warm and it’s so nice out. We made a deal with our MC that if we all participate in the first 15 minutes then we can go on a walk. I need to put this stupid fucking computer down and pay attention. Our activity is to list our biggest vulnerabilities for the day on one side of a piece of paper. Mine included Danielle, medical issues, rounds today, body image, medication issues. Then we had to draw with our non-dominant hand a house, a bird and a tree. Then we had to write how hard it was to do the drawing. Truthfully, it wasn’t that hard. I knew it wouldn’t be perfect, but I wasn’t trying to make it perfect, so it was just silly and different. What’s the lesson here? Monica popped in and said, “ohh, teaching flexibility.” It was a fun exercise I guess. I mean, it turned out ok, it looks like a house, a tree and some birds. The straight lines weren’t that straight, but otherwise, it’s a pretty good abstract of those items. Hmm, I don’t really get it, yet. Waiting for an explanation. Annnnnd… nothing. But that’s it, we finished the exercise and got to go for a “mindful walk” and I think I finally got what “mindful” is… they tried to teach us that at APN, but it just clicked for me. Well, I guess it clicked yesterday, sort of, but I made the real connection. Remember yesterday I talked about the green grass squishing beneath my feet? And today, I walked at the very back of the group and walked in the grass and noticed the bright green leaves on the maple trees that line the street. I noticed the reflection of our group as we walked past buildings and how we are all friends and doing something we enjoy together. It wasn’t about getting anywhere or even exercise. It was about appreciating being outside, out of the building and enjoying all the small and interesting things that a simple walk has to offer. We walked to the coolest little park with stone letters in the middle that spelled out GARDEN, with a metal umbrella above that said the same thing. There was a “little library” just beyond the metal gated entrance and a path that led to the sidewalk on the other side of the buildings and steps that led up to a Buddah statue. It was wonderful and I spent the entire walk just enjoying those things and letting all the stressful things I have going on melt away. I don’t think I thought about lawyers, divorce or Danielle once. Amazing. I did think about being home and taking Rainbow for a walk to the park and how much I would love to put on a sundress and take her for a walk. I think I’m going to make that a goal after I get home. She loves walks so much and I want to wear my dress and super cute pink sunglasses. I want to walk with confidence and without fear or shame. I think that’s one of the things that I’m learning here, living without fear. If you can conquer your fear of food, then I think you can conquer any fear.
Katerina has been keeping me in the loop on all the happenings of at 2W, including but not limited to, the latest gossip, who’s coming over and when, how the mornings are going, her sleep schedule. She’s also helping me plan and plot how I’m going to see Brandon, since I can’t have guests. We agree that Jim is super chill and probably wouldn’t care, but I also don’t want to put him in a position where he feels like he’s obligated to break the rules and certainly don’t want us to make him uncomfortable. So, I’ve really got to think about how this is going to work. We can go out tonight and do something fun, but I want attention. Like special manly attention to my womanly needs. I have needs and so does he, so I want to make sure we are fulfilling each other’s, umm, needs. Just thinking about it makes me kind of warm and cozy and sends tingles all over my body. This has to happen. I have to make this happen. I’m still working on logistics, will update later with the plan. Brandon sent me a message saying he wants to see me tonight, which means I have to get ready anyways. HMMMMM…. What to do?
Also, Ella finally made it over here. Yesterday, Christina and I accosted Alina and told her we were signing a petition to get Ella over here and I think it might have worked. I mean, I don’t want to pat myself on the back too hard, but I could swear it was us. Just saying, what else changed? Nothing. And Christina and I can be very persuasive, I think, maybe. Anyways, she’s here now and Christina is showing her around the building and helping her get oriented with everything. Ella said the same thing that I did when we walked upstairs for snack, “This place is a maze.” She’s right, it’s very confusing, especially the first few days. I am, however, getting more acquainted finally. It only took four days and texting Polly to come find me like 3 times. We just finished menu group. I always try to power through it as fast as I can, because the whole process makes me want to vomit. I use “write-ins” because I hate the menu offerings almost every fucking day. Except for breakfast, I can get cereal most days for breakfast. But for lunch and dinner I rotate the following: Grilled Cheese, Buttered Noodles, Cheese Quesadilla, Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. Then you have to have some kind of vegetable, which is usually a garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing. If I can’t get that, then I usually end up with steamed broccoli or baby carrots. I prefer the salad. Anyways.
All I can think about is Brandon and I need to write him back. WHAT TO DO?? HELP!!!! Also, we have a sexuality group in a bit. Like that’s going to help! I’m going to go crazy, maybe this is hysteria or something. Shhhh… just between us, I had some fun time by myself last night for the first time in 4 months at least. The problem with that is that it doesn’t reduce my libido, it just makes me think about sex more, especially sex with Brandon. OMG. Shhhhh. Our secret.
Let’s change the subject, what do you say? I’m too fucking shy to talk about sex with everyone. Maybe I’ll get better at it as I continue to write this journal. But… What I was going to say is, today I think I feel the least anxious that I’ve felt in months and months. I think it was that fucking hippie ass mindful walk. I just came inside and felt peaceful and my mind wasn’t racing. Maybe this stupid hippie mindful shit has some value. I always just thought it was a trick used by rich people to sell poor people with poor mental health silly books about how to improve their life. “10 Secrets to Finding Contentment in Your Home” or something equally as stupid. It’s like clickbait for bookstores really. And if you can get Oprah to buy-in, you’ll be a gazillionaire and sell millions of copies, make the NYT’s best seller list, be on display at Barnes and Noble as an Oprah Book Club favorite and be listed in everyone’s top books on Amazon. Am I missing anything? Anyways, maybe I should write one of those books. Just kidding… kind of.
11:13 AM and I just felt my first fucking wave of anxiety. Not too bad really. Usually it’s hitting me around 10am or right around snack time, so I’ll take it. I’m also going to take some hydroxyzine and clonazepam, because I don’t want this to snowball. Can’t have that, it could wreck an entire day. Okay, meds and then we’re going to make a todo list for today, that includes action items for this journal. I have some ideas, seriously.
Okay my dear semi-non-existent readers, today I have a goal for the journal:
Add Email subscriber option
Setup automated notifications for anyone that opts-in when there’s new content
Add social media sharing buttons
So just some really basic stuff. With WP blogs you have to be careful with plugins, both because of security reasons and because they can make pages load really slow and we don’t want that. Google penalizes slow sites and I’m already running a kind of bare bones server. If I start getting more readers, I’ll upgrade to a managed system so that everything is optimized for me and I just have to work on the content part, which is what I want to do anyways. I have to pee. Fuck me. It’s our one real break of the day and I don’t want to be up and moving around, I want to chill in the fireplace room on the couch and write. Peeing is such a waste of time, but I’m still drinking more water than I’ve ever drank in my life. And over here at conifer they give us ice! Such a luxury. We had a discussion at snack about our ice preferences. I think we all agreed that ice is good if you have a straw, but can be problematic otherwise. I don’t like chewing ice and there is some consensus about this with the table, which is lovely by the way. All new friends. They’re all so cute. I feel like we’re the cute table for sure.
I am a little mad, I forgot Millie and my blanket this morning because I was in such a rush to get out the door, but my eye makeup is killer today. Gel eyeliner is so weird. You just put on the thinnest line of it and it does the rest of the work for you. Not even kidding, I put on just a tiny amount and my eyes are fire today. Sorry to brag, but I redid both eyes several times to get it right. It was totally worth it, I think. I always felt so fucking rushed at Willow, I love taking an hour+ in the shower and getting ready. It’s fun, it’s the part of the day where you get to make yourself into a princess for the morning. It’s a little bit of extra work, but it gives me a lot of confidence. Also, I’ve been working with a new hairstyle (besides those fucking headbands), with the top part pulled back into a tiny pony tail and it actually looks really good. I wish my hair wasn’t so fine, but after it’s washed and conditioned, it’s so soft and pretty. I can’t wait until it’s really long, like most of the girls over at Willow. I’ll be able to do so much more. Exciting! And gender norms say people with long hair are more likely to be girls (even though a lot of guys have long hair, too). I think this is something only trans girls (or maybe trans guys, too) can appreciate, because we see ourselves as our gender, but our expression has to be flawless, otherwise we’re clocked. Being a man in a dress is so fucking unacceptable. I can’t wait until I have electrolysis to get rid of any unwanted body hair and surgery to modify some other aspects of my body that may appear more masculine. I’m pretty girly looking naturally anyways, I used to cat called long before I knew what being transgender was, just because I have a girly face and had long hair. It didn’t bother me then, I’d usually kind of smile about it, but I didn’t know why. I guess I’ve been questioning my gender for a long time, the signs were there, I just didn’t know what they were. The same goes for puberty, the shape of my body changing and the extra hair made me uncomfortable going back to when I was 13 years old. Anyways, I hate talking about this stuff, but I think it’s relevant to this journal, because eating disorders don’t just appear out of no where, they come from other feelings that are suppressed and pushed way down and that we try to hide or deny, until it manifests as an eating disorder, a drug addiction, etc. This is why gender affirming care matters. You can’t force society to accept that concept, but it’s the truth. Okay, end rant.
We just had the silliest group that I’ve ever had. It was supposed to be about gender and sexuality and it was an MC that usually works with children. She seemed kind of awkward and wasn’t really sure what to do. So, she asked us 5 questions about gender and eating disorders. They were pretty broad questions and ones that we’ve heard a gazillion times. Then she said, “Is there anything that anyone else wants to discuss that we didn’t hit on?” Fucking crickets. I looked around the room and no one was saying anything, so I took the initiative and said, “na, I think we’re good,” and she ended the group 30 minutes early. Yay! So now I’m going to write. I’m waiting for the anxiety meds to kick in, because as we get closer to lunch, I just get more and more anxious. I don’t want to eat today, at all. Like, I’ve been restricting like crazy. I’m not even eating my breakfast right now and they seem to be ok with that. No one is encouraging or discouraging me, they’re just giving me supplement, which I haven’t drank at all. I mean, I’m literally eating 50% less in PHP than I was at Willow. I honestly have no idea what their criteria are for moving people over to PHP. Ella was completing every meal, was on phase 3 for 2 months and did multiple outings and challenge foods and they JUST let her come over. I started starving myself 3 weeks ago and they couldn’t get me out of there fast enough. I don’t get it. Now don’t get me wrong, I like being over here. There’s more freedom, no one is going to make you go to lunch or groups. We don’t have to line up like school children. We can use sharp objects at will and even though it’s a bit exhausting, the busy schedule makes the day go pretty quickly. Plus we get to go outside and not be in a cage. That’s kind of amazing. But I can’t help but feel I’m in the wrong fucking place. Particularly because my labs are all jacked up and my body is really sick. I’m not getting better, I’m just restricting more. I probably won’t eat dinner or HS snack on Saturday night, breakfast on Sunday morning or HS snack any other night. There’s no one to hold me accountable and I just don’t want the extra calories (totally an eating disorder behavior, I might add.) If anything, I’ve just gotten better at being anorexic. True that I haven’t gone multiple days without eating at all yet, but it’s coming, probably pretty soon. As I’m able to tolerate hunger and skip more and more meals, I will go to a very low calorie diet of redbull and maybe some cookies or something. It’s bad. If I thought I could get away with it, I’d go to Safeway right now and down 2-3 Redbulls for lunch and then restrict the entire fucking meal. I literally want to go back to a liquid diet and extreme calories counting. My ED brain is just so loud, even louder than it was at Willow because I’m held less accountable here. Lke, literally, what the fuck were they thinking sending me here? I honestly don’t know.
Whatever, hopefully I at least get to see Brandon before they re-cage me. I wonder what my bloodwork is going to look like today. I usually get a message from labcorp, but I didn’t get one yesterday, so I don’t know. If my phosphorus stays fucked I don’t know what they are going to do. Also, supposedly they called in a script for more phosphorus, but Safeway hasn’t notified me that it’s there, so they probably had to order it and it could take days to get in stock. They are usually kind of bad about getting stock. Anyways, I wonder if I can go after lunch to pick up meds. I don’t even know who I need to ask. My team? I really want a Redbull, I’m craving it so hard right now. Oh my god how I missed energy drinks. They are amazing. But literally, I don’t know how to ask to go. I’m phase I, so I typically don’t get passes. I hate lunch, it’s about to start. It’s going to be awful. I just want to fall asleep on this couch and skip the whole fucking thing. I hate eating. I hate my eating disorder. I hate my body. Lots of hate today, I guess. I’m going to show up to lunch late, it just means less time staring at my stupid fucking plate that I’m not going to touch. I’ll eat the salad, if I get one. But that’s it, I don’t want PB&J or cheese quesadillas or whatever. I don’t want to eat at all. I’m so tired of eating and eating and eating. It’s such a fucking hassle. I fucking hate it.
Okay, so I followed the anorexic’s playbook for lunch. Warning: I am not encouraging eating disorders or saying anyone should do this, I’m just saying this is what I’m doing to make meals easier. It starts with being late. Find an excuse, any excuse. It doesn’t need to be super believable, just plausible. “I had a bathroom emergency,” “My dog ate my car keys,” “I thought I heard nursing call me,” etc. This is just a quick retort in case they ask you where you were. You want to be between 5-10 minutes late for meals, and no more than 5 minutes late for snacks. You have to make it look like you’re trying, that’s key. Show up, uncover your dish, take your time taking the lid over to the lid collection table and mosey on back to your chair. Now here is where it gets really interesting. For lunch and dinner I almost always have a salad with balsamic dressing, so this can easily eat up another 5 minutes. I pour the salad dressing over the salad and salads are the one thing that it’s not considered an eating disorder behavior if you cut it a million times. I mean it no one expects you to stuff giant lettuce and spinach leaves in your mouth, so take your fucking time and cut until all the veggies are in tiny, mouth size pieces. This should take a minimum of 5 minutes. Make some conversation in the process and maybe sip your water 2-3 times. Small sips, you’re going to need most of the water toward the end of the meal. Eat your salad, bite by bite. Again, you want to follow the following pattern. Stab, correct the size of your bite, take a bite, chew 20 times or more. Sip (small) of your water. You can easily burn 15 minutes eating the salad. We’re now down to about 10 minutes of meal time left. Easy. You’e got 9/10ths of your water remaining and there’s conversation to be had. Talk, talk, sip. Talk, talk, sip. Talk, talk, laugh, sip. This should get you to supplement time and then it’s all downhill. You can either stare at your supplement, take a small sip and make a face. Continue doing this for 5 minutes and VIOLA! The meal is over and you only ate your leafy greens and almost no calories, but your stomach won’t be rumbling or anything and it looks like you made an effort.
I’ve got good news, for those of you that are keeping track, Brandon and I are going to spend a romantic night together and he’s promised he will get me back here by 7am, so let’s hope he can, because I don’t want to get yelled at. I’m so fucking excited. What do we have planned? He offered to take me to Meow Wolf and I said we can skip the date and just spend some time together and it’s going to be a beautiful thing. I can’t wait. Actually, I have been waiting a really long time, like 3.5 months or something like that and it is going to be worth it. So now the big thing is I have to go home, get ready, pack an overnight bag, bring enough meds for the night and the morning, not forget to take my phos supplement and try to explain to Jim about not being home tonight, “I’m staying with a friend.” Then, the big thing is, I don’t want to do the walk of shame to the building tomorrow, so he has to get me here at like 6:45 AM, before all the villagers arrive, because 25 girls watching you pull up with an overnight bag is probably going to cause quite the stir. OMG! I’m SOOO EXCITED! I had to send Katerina a message and she’s cheering me on. She’s so cool, she is my buddy now and has such an amazing spirit.
Anyhoo, we’ve got dinner in 25 mins, which I plan on not eating, because fuck dinner (except maybe the veggies, we’ll see), then I’ve got to get home and get ready for my big night out. I’m going to wear my new short skirt and my Cherry Coke shirt, lol. I’ll probably put my hair in a pony tail the way I’ve been styling it this week. OMG, I’ve got to pack makeup, too. This is going to be quite the big adventure. And I’m only going to have two-ish hours to get ready, I told him to come get me at 8pm, so I’m going to be a busy girl. And I can’t forget this fucking phos supplement, I don’t want to die, afterall.
This makes up for any bullshit that I’ve had to put up with this week, which really hasn’t been too bad. They really go easy on you here in PHP your first week. Everyone is just kind of chill, all the people that have been here for a while take care of the newcomers and the whole environment is so kind and gentle. You might think that a bunch of anorexic bitches being stuck in a building together there would be a lot of competition or cattiness, but the reality is that we’re all here for a reason, to get better. We all want to find this joy that is supposed to exist and we’re all working towards that goal. That doesn’t mean that everyday we get up and we crush it. We have crummy days, weeks and even months, but we have the support of our peers and our team to help us overcome these challenges and get through the next level of pain that Sunny was talking about a few weeks ago. And rather than competing, we’re really here to cheer each other on and lift each other up. We just had two goodbye ceremonies for people leaving, this is their last day. We went around the room and everyone that’s in PHP right now “took” something from the person (a quality, like their spirit, their joy, their perseverance) and “gave” them something (courage, self-compassion, etc). Lots of tears because we will miss our friends, but it’s also exciting and encouraging to know that these very same people came in here just like me, feeling broken, scared and worried they’d never make it out of the program and a few months later they’ve been given the OKAY to stand on their own. And just seeing their smiling faces and their confidence, I think they’ll do great. And if they do ever have to come back, it’s okay, it’s not failure, it’s getting back on the horse and trying again, because resilience is the single most important quality that a person can have. It’s what separates the winners from the losers, those that can adapt and carry on and those that give up and quit. These two are going to carry on and do a great job. I’m proud of them, even though I just got to meet them this week. I hope one day I’ll be crying as people say their goodbyes to me. I love these girls and guys. They’re wonderful, intelligent and hardworking people and they deserve recovery. Maybe I do, too. I don’t know. The fucking jury is still out, but I haven’t quit yet and don’t plan on it any time soon. That is, as long as I don’t forget to take my Phos tonight so that I don’t have a heart attack. You can’t win if you’re dead and I am fucking winner. Going to dinner now. I’ll post pics of my outfit and updates for this evening.
Okay, I told the cafe that I was going on a date and they asked me where I was going, so I lied and said, “Meow Wolf,” because I didn’t want to say, “a motel.” I’m not a slut, seriously, I’ve just been deprived of human connection for the last 3.5 months and I need attention. Girls need attention, don’t you know that. I didn’t really have dinner. I ate some broccoli and one bite of my PB&J sandwich, but I’ve had almost nothing today. I don’t know how they are letting me get away with this. Ohhhh, and rounds got moved until tomorrow, so there’s that. Guess I’ll have some ‘splaining to do. I don’t know what I’m going to say. I get so nervous during rounds. I know they’re my team, but I haven’t really figured out how to utilize them yet. I’ve got work on that.
Okay, it’s 9:15 and we have a room and the whole night to ourselves. Brandon is about to jump in the shower and then we’re going to hangout, watch some tv, snuggle and relax. This is actually the first time we’ve been all by ourselves. In the past he’s always come over after I put juniper to bed, so I have to admit, it’s nice being just the two of us. Just having the privacy is going to be so nice. At 2w there was no privacy, ever. So this is amazing. He’s so sweet, too.
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