I woke up at 11 PM, then 2 AM, then 4 AM, then at 5:30 AM and for some reason, I’m ok with that. I’m not angry with this morning for the first time in several weeks. I feel tired, but refreshed. Maybe today will be nice. It’s another grey day outside, but I’m feeling more yellow or green today. The battery on this computer is about to die, so just a quick check and then I’m off.
[note to self to scan in written journal pages here]
I guess I just feel kind of positive today. I don’t know why. I had a nice breakfast with Anelise (I think I’m butchering the spelling), Allie, and Raine (although I think she’s having a rough morning, she didn’t say much and didn’t do morning intentions, kind of worried about her). But Anelise is just the most darling little thing you’ve ever seen. I know I’ve said this before, but she is so, so very smart and always has interesting and fun things to say and talk about. We talked about how she and her boyfriend wanted to go to the mountains for her birthday, but couldn’t because of her health. But, next April 4th, she’ll be 21, which will be way more fun anyways. Not that it matters, but she’s also dating a black guy, which I think is super cute. He’s really tall and has locks, kind of like Brandon. It just feels like we have something in common, both being in an interracial relationship. She’s also blonde and she’s a finance major. She loves accounting and I can tell, she’s TYPE A to the T. She was also talking about her rabbit, I think she said he’s a netherlands dwarf or something like that. He’s white with a little bit of black on his face. She said rabbits are smarter than cats and dogs and then told us about how silly he is. Her exact words were, “He is such a high maintenance little bitch”, lol. I just love how bright and precocious she is. Her youth makes her so fun to talk to. I like hearing her use slang and she always says hi to me in the morning and asks how I am. It’s fun.
Allie is cool, too. She’s a little older, blonde hair just below her shoulders and these cool clear, thickish framed glasses. I think her age makes her a little more wise, but also she lacks some of that youthful excitement. She’s 28 (I think) and she feels her age. Her goal is to get out of here before June 1st, which is really fast. But she’s on a mission and doing really well. I think she’s completing most of her meals already, even those she has an NG. A lot of her discussion is centered around how she may be leaving AMA, but her team is still supportive of her. I can’t remember if it’s a concert or vacation she’s trying to catch. Either way, I think she’s got the right mindset. I love that she works with adult special needs clients and she loves her job. She talks about it all the time.
I tried to wear my green skirt and new polo today with the black leggings, but it just wasn’t working, so I shifted to all black, with my radiohead shirt and “the” black hat. I’m going to order another one just like this one (and keep both) so I have a receipt for it and wear it at some point where Danielle can see it. Fuck her and her hat. I did full face makeup today for the first time since the first couple of weeks that I was here, and I’m nervous that it looks stupid. My good concealer is still MIA. It might be in my confiscated, but when I tried to get it last time, it was this big ordeal and Corrine got the wrong one. I didn’t want to hassle her to try and find the right one.
This is a new look for me and obviously with the leggings I worry about an unsightly bulge. \ But I think it’s pretty unnoticeable with my long shirt. I want to get some extra long shirts like some of the girls have to wear with leggings. Danielle hates leggings, so fuck her. I have 2 pair now, 1 white, 1 black. I’m going to wear the white ones this Saturday with my new dress for when Brandon comes. He asked me if I ever wear skirts or dresses. I actually love wearing them, but Betty is really the one around here that wears them. She offered to let me borrow one. Maybe I’ll take her up on it tomorrow. She also likes helping me with my makeup, I’m going to let her do that, too. Hers is always flawless. I just can’t seem to get my eyeliner right and it’s kind of driving me crazy. I hope Betty and I can become good friends after we leave her. I really like her. She’s so cranky, but she’s a really great part of this unit and I think now that everyone knows her, she fits right in with everyone.
I had a really positive moment of self-reflection this morning at breakfast for daily intentions. For the first time since I’ve been, I said the thing I was grateful for was my team and how patient they have been and how they’ve worked with me to find solutions to our sticking points. My meeting yesterday with Courtney and Alina went fairly well. I think they’ve realized that pushing me too hard too fast kind of makes me shut down and then we all lose. If they’ll let me set the pace for the most part, then I’ll do much better. I am already a goal oriented person, but I don’t like it when goals are set for me. I’m quite proficient at setting my own goals. I’ve been doing that the entire time I’ve been here and I’ve met or exceeded all of them, except for my goal to make Phase II. But apparently, per my conversation with Dr. Parsley, I don’t have to be Phase II to step down. I also just wanted Kristen and the other staff members to hear me say something positive about my team. I know Kristen is taking notes, even if only in her head and that she will probably pass this along to the team. I feel like we’re in a good spot for the first time in a while. I do actually feel like we’re a team today. It’s a little scary to say that outloud, but it’s how I feel.
It’s weird how when people disappear from the unit, the energy automatically shifts. It’s been shifting in a youthful, fun way. My favorite patients are Priscilla, Anelise (butchered spelling), Katy, Manon, Audra, Rachel, Rose and Betty. They all have such big personalities. I miss Kirsi and of course Polly. We did lose a bit of the inner child expression when Polly left. They had such a unique personality. I wish I had their courage to be myself like they do. I’d wear my sparkly skirt every day. I’d be wearing it now, actually. Fuck, that would have been really cute with my leggings and all black outfit and would make me less worried about “the bulge” (which i don’t think is that noticeable anyways. I got small leggings and I think I should have bought extra small ones. These are just a tiny bit big, but that helps hide things, too. But, my butt isn’t as cute as it could be. It’s a give and take.) I ramble. I know, I am worried about how I look. But no one else here has to worry about their gender expression, except Katy, who also hates the way their body functions. They also have long hair and wear cute makeup.
Audra had me for Kudos this last week and she got me a radiohead guitar book that has tablature and lyrics for a bunch of their coolest songs. It’s been a long time since I’ve tried to learn a new song that way, but it was such a sweet and thoughtful gift. Audra is a musician and has a minor in music (I think). She plays standup bass, which I think is ultra cool. I wish I was that accomplished and especially with an instrument that cool. She’s a libra and battles with BP2. She has rainbow colored short hair and shaves the sides. It’s cute. She expresses herself really well and honestly, I think. She’s also had a pretty hard life. Both of her parents died and I think she’s been doing this on her own for a while, which I respect so much. She’s from Indiana, but she actually goes to TN quite often and said she used to hang out in Smyrna, Murfreesboro, Lebanon, etc. She knows what MTSU is, lol. I can’t believe someone here actually knows about my home town. I like her a lot. She said I remind her of her sister and says something nice to say every day to make me feel good. She also has been battling with her insurance. One day when she was particularly stressed out, I wrote her a note and just told her how unique she is because she’s a musician and how we see the world in rhythm and pitch. I also said that I know she’s going to survive this, no matter what her insurance ends up doing, because she’s a survivor like me. I think one of the most interesting things about her is that she refuses to fly, so she took a 4 day trip to get her. Day one on a bus (I think down to St. Louis) then 3 days on a train. I’ve always wanted to take a long train ride across the country. It’s not the most comfortable way to travel, but I think it would be an interesting experience. Anyone that works that hard to get here, deserves to be here and deserves recovery. One other interesting fact about her is she’s also battled with drugs and alcohol, like me. She said that she bounces back and forth between the eating disorder and abusing drugs and alcohol. I can relate. With my eating disorder being challenged so hard, I have had occasional thoughts about drugs since being here. No real intent, I don’t think, but the thoughts are there for the first time in quite a while.
Ugh. 10 until 10 AM and snacks are already making me nervous. At least I know that my meal plan won’t change this week. Courtney told me that yesterday. I think she knows, again, that pushing me with that much change, when I’m already so worried about stepping down, will have a net negative impact. I’ll just skip more meals and snacks to make up for the extra calories. I should be noting that in my daily check-in. That is an eating disorder behavior that I haven’t really given much thought to and I should. It’s a real issue. Since we have 20ish minutes until snack, I’m debating playing guitar for a little bit. I don’t want to jinx it, but I might actually feel slightly more calm this morning. Thinking about it makes me anxious though, so maybe that’s the secret, try not to focus on anxiety. Try to focus on what I’m doing. Be present in the moment and don’t let my thoughts consume me. That’s what this journal is for.
It’s nice to have a more positive outlook today. I can assure you that my goal is not to be a negative Nancy all the time. I like positivity. I know the power of positive thinking. I let Danielle and her nihilist behavior affect me way too much for way too long. Another good reason to keep Danielle out of my life. I thought she was lifting me up, but she was actually just dragging me down into her pit of despair. I don’t need to have negative energy around me. She stopped fanning my flame a long time ago and I should have seen the writing on the wall then. I regret that I didn’t take action, but I guess I don’t know how I could have separated myself from her any earlier than I did.
Fuck, I have to pee again. It’s like every ten minutes, I swear. They make us drink so much water here. BRB.
I definitely see the appeal of leggings, they are super comfy and warm. I did find them to be a bit of hassle to put on, they got all twisted and shit. But once I got them oriented correctly, I’d say they’re brilliant. I can’t wait until I have surgery and don’t have to worry about bulges and such. Girl clothes are so much more fun than boy clothes, there are so many more options and they are just more comfortable in general. Fuck, my dad was bitching about guys wearing tight jeans last time he was out here. He’d shit a brick if he saw me in leggings, lol. My lips are extra chapped today, which is so annoying. I’m applying chapstick like every 20 minutes, trying to get the dead skin to fall off. It’s gross. Isn’t that like Rule #2, DO NOT BE GROSS. It totally takes away from my makeup and is ugly. Ugh.
When we get room time after snack, I’m going to try doing some video updates from my room. I’m too shy to do them in front of the group, but I think I want to document more than just a snapshot of the day. I think seeing and hearing me talk could be valuable to this journal. It will help me remember the days more in the future if I choose to go back and read any of this shit, and will make for a more interesting blog. I’m debating setting up the blog and working on that for my remaining time at Willow. I think if the girls see the blog up and running, I can let them post their own pictures, if they want. I can also let them guest post blog entries and share the whole thing with their networks. I’m sure some of them have followers on Snap, IG and TikTok. I don’t know, it just seems like it’d be fun to have everyone here interact. Priscilla already told me she’d subscribe.
Kristen said the cutest thing as we were walking to snack just a few minutes ago. She said I’m giving off “celebrity at the airport vibes”, lol. It’s the hat. It has to be the hat. Which needs to be washed, btw. I’ll throw it in the laundry this week. Also got complimented on my Radiohead shirt by Minon. She’s like the epitome of cool. She’s French and absolutely stunningly beautiful. She’s another smart one and just has a unique history and a unique energy. Of course she’s into fashion and style, too, which is fun. Her makeup is always flawless and her blonde hair extensions are beautiful.
We have to do menus now, it’s like my least favorite part of the week. I hate all the food so much. I do mostly write-ins, which means I eat: grilled cheese, cheese quesadilla, PB&J, and Buttered Noodles. I’m pretty tired of these things, but every time I try to get something more complicated, I end up not eating it at all. I think they’re going to push me much harder in PHP to incorporate more variety and things with more ingredients. I still have the cooking trauma, however, so it’s kind of hard to picture me cooking ever again. We shall see, I suppose. This week, I think I only tried one thing from the menu. The rest were write-ins, except at breakfast. I can usually find something I like at breakfast. They did switch up the menu a little bit on me, but I just wrote in diced walnuts if I didn’t see them. I’m not going to eat an egg or anything like that. I just can’t stand the thought of it. That was stressful, as always. I try to just do it as quickly as possible. I do, however, go through and circle coffee on every page first, then double check it when I fill out the breakfast part, then after I’m done with the whole menu, I go through and check that coffee is circled on every page. Nothing ruins your day faster around here than forgetting to circle coffee on your menu. It’s a lesson I only had to learn once. I was kicking myself that entire day and that’s one rule that no BHT is going to budge on, because it has to do with diet. Not even Aloha Frank would budge on that one I’m afraid.
See sample below. It’s basically going through and circling a certain number of fats, proteins, vegetables, dairy and fruit for each meal. I don’t really eat meat, at least not very often and I’ve found the vegetarian options to be pretty bad most of the time. Hence all the write-ins, which Courtney said she was going to put a stop to, but she hasn’t hassled me much since saying that. Not trying to be a bitch, really. But if she were to force me to eat something actually on the menu at every meal, I’m not going to eat. And I’m not doing any supplement anymore. Ever since that day that Betty said the vanilla supplement smelled soured, I can’t get it out of my head. I do have to drink half a cup with my blueberry muffin during AM snack, so I just down it like a shot and then drink a bunch of water and pinch of a bite of muffin to try and get the flavor and smell out of my mouth and nose as quickly as I possibly can.
Note Millie, the highland cow above my menu. She’s been my pet replacement while being here. One of the girls suggested I get her, I can’t remember if it was Ella or Rachel, but I ordered her that day and she stays by my side everywhere except the cafe, where she is banned. She weighs about the same as the kittens and is close to the same size.I so have to pee again. OMG. it just doesn’t stop, my bladder must be the size of a grape. I am drinking a ton of water, especially today, since my lips are so chapped and I feel dehydrated.
I hate asking them to open Splataaah, so I usually just wait for one of the other girls to and jump in.
I just got grabbed by Dr. Parsley and I get really anxious talking to him. I don’t think he’s a bad guy or psychiatrist, but I always worry about changes being made that I don’t agree with and it makes my life more difficult. We talked about sleep primarily and how it affects mood throughout the week. I do think that’s my primary issue. I know he’s suspected bi-polar disorder since day one, because of the family history. It scares me a little bit, because I don’t know what he’ll want to try and I really, really don’t want that diagnosis. It just carries such a stigma and the treatments for BPD are pretty limited. Maybe I do have Bi-polar disorder. I don’t know. I’m just waiting for him to drop that bomb shell on me. He just gave me tips on getting better sleep. No naps. Don’t stay in bed if I wake up. Get up, do something relaxing in the hallway, then try lying back down. Not gonna lie, no naps is kind of brutal. I like taking naps. I think because my schedule has been so wonky for so long, I’ve come to depend on naps to get through the day. Life nap free doesn’t sound so great. He said taking naps, “reduces sleep pressure”, which I’ve never heard or read about. I might do some research of my own on the subject. I didn’t mention it, but sometimes when I wake up, I do get up and pace. There were at least two mornings that I paced for over two hours. And I’ll be honest, I was just really grumpy on those mornings. It was when things weren’t going so well with the team and I was ultra stressed about leaving. I’ve since changed my attitude. I don’t know what he was getting at and that worries me. That meeting felt like a poker match, which makes me feel more anxious. I’m in such a good mood today and I don’t want this to spoil it.
Oh gawd, he thinks the impulsive spending is me being manic. He probably thinks the same thing about me waking up in the middle of the night. I really don’t think those things are mania. I know what induced mania feels like and it’s not the same. Also, with the shopping, I’m building a new wardrobe from scratch. You have to take that into consideration. I sometimes go a year without buying anything, but in this case, I’m still trying to define my style and figure out what to wear on a day to day basis. Being around the other girls, I’m seeing more of what’s trendy. I hope I don’t dress too young, but I do want to look youthful. Anyways, it’s less about impulsive spending and more about I want to look good, bitch. This is concerning. I am concerned now. I am anxious now. Fuck me. Not in a bad mood, just nervous. I said that I thought he thought I was bi-polar on day ONE and was using a “guarded diagnosis”. This concerns me very much. Am I going to end up on lithium and kill my kidneys and liver?
That’s me and Millie in my room at room time. If I look nervous, that’s because I am. Dr. Parsley scares me, I guess. Kind of a lot. He was asking about my mood and the up and down swings. I know those questions and what they are about. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I also accidentally emailed this whole journal to the print email address here, so there is a possibility that they read it and I think the last portion that I saved and sent did not end on a super happy note. But it’s not like I’m in just a terrific mood with boundless energy today. I’m just in a rather positive mood. And energy, I can assure you that it is not boundless. Actually, quite the opposite, I’m rather sleepy. I really want a red bull or a coffee right now.
Is writing this journal making them think I have boundless energy or something? Now I sound paranoid, which is probably because I am. I just don’t know what Dr. Parsley is thinking and that really worries the hell out of me. Now I’m so nervous, I want to take clonazepam. Interesting that Dr. Parsley is saying don’t fall asleep. I am really tired right now, but my anxiety about lunch and now about our meeting is really overwhelming. Also, I feel like he was asking questions that he already knows the answer to and that kind of upsets me. You only do that when you suspect someone is lying, right? He asked how my meeting with Aline and Courtney went. I know damn well that they meet every day to discuss their cases and come up with a game plan. So to ask me how that went… you already know that. You talked to them and you shared your thoughts on possible diagnosis. Shady. That feels shady to me. I’m probably over thinking it, but it definitely feels really shady. I hate when Drs. don’t share what they are actually thinking. I felt like the last meeting went better because he was incredibly honest and “shot straight” so to speak. This felt more like curve ball questions or an examination, but without telling me that he’s doing an examination. Idk, it just feels weird.
Let’s focus on the positives, reframe, if you will. Juniper is coming in less than an hour and I’ll get to go see her. My relationship with my mother is improving. Our game plan for right now is pretty good. I think the plan is still the same, June 1st. Actually, at this point, if they said they wanted to keep me in Willow longer, I would be concerned. I’m ready to get out of here. My pros and cons list really kind of sealed the deal for me. Let’s do PHP and see what happens. If they ask me to step back up to Willow, I would have to think really hard about it. If they ask me to stay at Willow longer, I would probably say, “no” and try to discharge AMA. Oh, shit, I was supposed to be thinking positively. It is positive to say I want to get home though, IMO.
I can’t wait for my hair to actually get longer. I need to go see Stephanie, assuming Danielle didn’t smear my name with her and she refuses to see me. That would be dumb, but I wouldn’t put it past Danielle. Anyways, positive self-talk… I want her to trim it up, so I can keep growing it out. It feels like it’s taken longer than usual to grow this time, but I guess I was starting at near zero. At least it’s at cute girl length now. Seeing all the girls here with long hair has made me want mine to be really long. Seeing Manon’s extensions kind of makes me want to get extensions. It’s super expensive though. Might be a while before I can afford that. When we talked about extensions before, Stephanie said it would cost somewhere around $2000-2500. I want really good ones that look natural. Actually, I didn’t even know Manon had extensions.
I love Juniper visitation time. It’s only an hour, but it’s really nice. We read “Fox in Socks” and that was enough to make her sleepy, so we just snuggled for an hour. I almost fell asleep, too. And so did my mother. It’s so sweet when she grabs both hands. She’s just my little best friend and I miss her so much. It’s a nice way to start the afternoon. And I think I handled my mom pretty well. She loves to ask inappropriate questions. “Will you be cooking?” “What’s the apartment like?” “So you’ll be doing your therapies there?” Me: “Mom, please don’t talk about food, that’s a no-no subject.” And I realize that if I incorporated her somehow into family therapy, they could answer those questions. But I also feel like that gives her way too much power. She’ll start thinking she has a say in my medical decisions and I just can’t let her touch my life that closely. She’s making all these changes around the house and I know she thinks she’s doing a good job, but I don’t want to come home to a different house. We’re literally pulling my life apart, piece by piece and when I get home, I don’t want all the pieces to be different. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand that. I still love Danielle. I still think about her every fucking day. I still wish she would call me and apologize and tell me everything is ok. I know that’s not realistic, but in an ideal world, she’d come home and everything would go back to normal and she’d love me again. What am I feeling? Sad. Why? Because Mom reminds me every day about how my life is never going to be normal again and how the 2nd most important person in my life has stopped loving me and moved away. I hate it. I want to cry and I would if I could.
I do kind of want my snack, since I didn’t really eat my lunch. It was some sort of pita bread plate with cheese, hummus, cucumber slices and baby carrots. I ate the baby carrots and cucumber slices and drank my water. I
Now I want to play a game with Kristen. We talked about this earlier, she’s been tasked with finding me before every meal and making me go and my goal is to hide from her (and Dr. Parsley) and sleep through PM snack, a strawberry shake. I can feel my stomach telling me to eat more, which is a perfect time to test my strength and my, “I don’t want to eat” mantra. Oh boy, I think i’m back and at least part way on the “fuck recovery” train. I want them to step me down to PHP with me at a calorie deficit and weight loss, just because I think it’s kind of funny. What’s the point of eating if I don’t have a goal? What’s the point of eating if I’m being stepped down, regardless of how I eat while I’m here? Like, I genuinely don’t care. I want to step down, because I’ll be able to restrict a lot easier. I can tell them I’m eating dinner, when I’m actually not. I can skip groups, meals and snacks, just by staying in my apartment. I have literally no intent on completing this program. Danielle was right. It’s just going to be a huge failure. Danielle was right, I’m just going to say whatever I need to say to get the fuck out of here so that I can go back to what I was doing before. I don’t think anorexia made me unhappy. I think my life falling apart in front of me made me unhappy. With the negative energy gone, I don’t think it will be as bad. I have Brandon to keep me company on weekends and Susan and I have a busy schedule leading up to Friday. So, I feel like everything is going to fall into place for me. I just have to do the rest of this shit, so it looks like I complied and the state leaves me and juniper the fuck alone. I just want this divorce over with, the house paid for and to move on with my life. I hope Brandon will eventually give up his poly life and dedicate himself to me. I don’t mind what’s her name that he hangs out with on most weekends. They don’t have sex. But I’d prefer it if he ended it with his other partners. I can take care of his needs and I want him to be part of my family life. But that’s not feasible if he’s always on the go, always trying to make some function or another. I need stability and consistency.
I’m not sure where to hide. I was going to crawl underneath some furniture, but all the furniture has people on it, so that feels a little weird. I don’t want to look weird or creepy or something. AHHHHHH! I don’t know. I think Kristen is going to win this round today. But there’s always tomorrow. I don’t think she’ll be here tomorrow, so I’ll just stay in my room during room time and not go to lunch. I’m glad I restricted most of my lunch today and I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll skip HS snack. FUUUUUCK. Is this the ED talking? My mom kept saying that she’s telling everyone how well I’m doing. I’m not doing well, I’m barely skating by with a D-. The only thing that I’m really doing correctly is not leaving AMA.
It’s another freezing ass cold day in the hallways here. It’s around 40 degrees outside and I think they have the A/C running or something, because it’s only about 65 degrees inside. I’m going to order a fucking thermometer and carry it with me everywhere that I go.
It’s a quiet crowd in here today. The group room is shut down because our MC has to bounce between units and PHP. I’ve literally only seen her for like 30 minutes today. We are over capacity. They have 7 people in 2E, and while they have 11 more beds, they only have 1 nurse and 1 BHT. I guess there are some legal parameters around the ratio of staff to patient that they have to meet, which makes sense. Kind of related, they keep talking about how I can step down and then step back up if I need to, which of course would be awful. But one of my biggest concerns is that they would put me on 2E or even put me upstairs, where I hear it is always colder and more miserable. Although, I do hear they are pretty fun up there. I don’t want to try PHP and fail and have to come back to Willow, that would be shitty. But I don’t want to complete PHP either. I am going to break all the rules, skip all the meals, refuse all the groups, etc.
Susan said she would smuggle me a coffee drink, so I’m going to have her do it next week when they come to visit. Besides, I’ll be discharging in 11 days, then it’s game on Red Bull zero sugar. Game. Fucking. On.
I’m sorry if you’re reading this and it’s bringing you down. Just remember, recovery isn’t linear. Tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll wake up and feel much better about the whole thing again. And then something will bring me down and make me feel bad about the whole thing again. And then I’ll repeat the cycle over and over, until they put me in that apartment and I stop eating altogether and skip groups. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll see my friends there and they will encourage me to carry on and I’ll do great. Who fucking knows? I just know that most of what they’ve talked about in terms of being treats or rewards, sounds absolutely abhorrent to me. Cooking, being responsible for my own meals, group after group after group. I just don’t see myself thriving. I’m barely making it to groups here, now. I’ve figured out ways to skip meals and snacks without drawing much attention. I just don’t want to eat. I do not want to eat. I don’t want my peers to be disappointed, but I really don’t want to eat.
I was hiding under a chair. Kristen was nowhere to be found. Then some lady who I don’t even know (asian looking, blue hair) says, “aren’t you going to go to snack? Looks like they forgot you.” What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I just said, “yes” and pretended like I had fallen asleep and didn’t hear. I don’t want to do art group, so I’m going to go hide by nursing. Jesus. If they come find me for art, I give the fuck up. And I swear there was someone at the double doors fucking waiting on me. What is this shit. Like literally everyone in the building is fucking making me go eat. I don’t want to eat you fuckers. It’s like they all know, if I show up at the table, I’ll probably eat. But if I can avoid the cafe altogether, I don’t even miss the snack.
I’m ducking out of art group and I don’t feel bad. The teacher is a little too hippie for me and plus, I just don’t want to do art today. I’ve been writing, that is my art. It’s the being around a bunch of people though that really bothers me. I don’t want to be part of the peer group today. Rachel is with me. She’s pacing instead. Ok, weird asian blue haired lady is leaving the nursing area. I’m going to curl up in a ball by nursing. Maybe Alana will see me and take pity on me and let me go to my room. I really, really don’t want any part of dinner or HS snack. I’m determined to stay away. Ok, she left the area. The coast is clear. I’m going for a nap. That nurse that misgendered me is down there. She already feels pretty bad for me and I think she’s going to probably be really nice to me out of guilt.
4:58 PM and dinner is looming. Fuck Dr. Parsley and his no nap policy. I will nap and I will do so proudly. I mean, don’t I still have plenty of sleep pressure if I fall asleep at 9 PM on the nose. I just woke up, but I could go back to sleep. And the cleaning crew totally left my room open. I’m thinking, if I sneak back in my room now, Kristen will be totally thrown off guard, because she’s expecting my door to be closed and locked. She might not notice me not being there until she’s in the cafe. And what if she’s already sat down, what are the odds that she’d get back up to come find me. I’d say, with her level of motivation, maybe 5:1. That’s pretty good odds, I’ll take a 20% chance any day of the week for a bet that has no repercussions. It’s all upside really. And if I win, it’s a pretty big win. A missed dinner and ¼ eaten lunch is a pretty huge score for the day in terms of restricting. I love it because I’m just fucking with them at this point.
Kristen is in splataaah. I’m doing it. Going to sneak down to my room, lay on my bed and write with headphones in and play dumb.
I’d like to say, I’ve started a mail blitz revolution here at ERC. SO MANY PACKAGES and most of them are just clothes or other fun shit. You’re welcomed ladies. Glad I could make you stay here at ERC so much more fun. It’s like a fashion show up in this bitch.
Kristen caught me. FUCK! She’s too good at her job. But I love her, so I’m going.
Gross, gross, gross. I’m soooo fucking tired of cheese quesadillas, but anything else I try beyond that, I just won’t eat. Case and point, lunch. Gross. Gross. Gross. It was like some sort of pita bread and hummus. Did I talk about this already? Anyways. I’m over it. It doesn’t matter, lots of people step down to PHP from Phase I. Apparently, the phases are just a lie. It doesn’t matter if you eat or not. Let me out of this place. I want to step down tonight. I’m tired of being here. I’m tired of eating the same thing. I don’t want to eat anything. I’m so over food. I just want to relapse already and go home. I feel like I’m cheating with my diet of three things anyways. If I have to choose a life of cheese quesadillas or death, give me death. Quiet, gentle, sleeping death. Ohh no… so not recovery focused. This path isn’t linear. Let’s call this a low point in the night.
So here’s the plan for the rest of the night. Go to the med window at 6:30 PM to get a good spot. Get night time meds. Go lay down in my room and fall asleep before HS snack. How many snacks do you think I miss before they try and talk to me about it. I wonder if they’re figuring it out. If I’m stepping down regardless, then I’m going to eat what I want and when I want. Unless Kristen chases me down and makes me go to meals. Guess what? She doesn’t work tomorrow. Shawna is sweet, but she’s not going to track me down the way Kristen does. I was actually surprised at how well she’s done over the past few days.
I sent Brandon this photo and asked him if I was giving off “celebrity at the airport vibes?” He said, “ I think you look adorable and stylish.” He gets it right literally every time. He’s the best, I want to keep him. Thanks Brandon ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Just had a nice video call with Jude. Apparently, last night I didn’t talk to her long enough and she got upset, so I talked to her for 10 or 15 minutes. I get so frustrated with my mother. She keeps interrupting me talking to Jude. I’m asking Juniper questions, I don’t need her to respond for Jude. Jude can tell me on her own. It’s really annoying. And then she does the, “guess what I did?” BS. I hate that. It’s annoying. Like, why are you making this fucking conversation about you. I’m talking to Juniper. I don’t want to know what you did at the house. I want to hear Juniper talk to me. And she can’t hold the camera so I can see Jude for some reason. It’s weird. “MOM IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.” ****le sigh**** Grace. Give her grace. I need to figure out a way to communicate these things to her without hurting her feelings.
She also “him’d” me two or three times in that call. That shit is obnoxious. I don’t think she’s even trying. Compound that with the TWO nurses that did that today. One apologized (twice and I could tell she felt really bad), but the other one didn’t even correct herself. I know it’s not intentional and I screw up sometimes with the they/them’s ENBYS but, it still hurts my feelings a little bit. That’s why I like dressing ultra fem and I feel like if I don’t, I get misgendered. It’s so frustrating. Oh well. Next topic.
That’s something I can say I love about Brandon and Susan. You know, Susan has not once misgendered me. She knew me for at least 6 months as [DEADNAME] and yet, she hasn’t messed up one time. I wish Susan was my Mom. She’s so normal. She has normal social skills, she talks about normal stuff. And horses. Ok, I don’t want a different Mom. I just want a Mom that’s self-aware. And Brandon, he treats me like a delicate princess. I even like how he talks to me like I’m a girl. Not condescending or anything, but just likes to give me his man advice. It’s cute. I can honestly say that I am the most myself with him. My voice goes up in pitch and softens. I feel the most feminine with my arms holding on to him and with his hands holding mine. I’m just Clara to him, he sees me as nothing else. It’s been like that since our first date. I adore him. I’m gushing again.
Seeing Juniper more is the #1 reason for getting out of here. Seeing Brandon and having time alone with him is my #2 reason for getting out of here. I can’t wait to be held by him again and to snuggle him all night, under his arm. I get the tingles just thinking about it all up and down my body.
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