This morning was so strange. I woke up at midnight and realized I hadn\u2019t gotten my luggage yet so I could pack, so when I woke up at midnight, I asked the nurse about it, who told me to ask the BHT when she got back at 2AM, so I stayed up for 2 hrs waiting and FINALLY got my luggage. Whew. Packing was very interesting, I had accumulated so much stuff at Willow and wasn\u2019t sure how we were going to get everything over to Conifer. More on that in a minute though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Breakfast was quite lovely, everyone had something nice and encouraging to say for morning intentions. I miss them already, but PHP is so chill comparatively, so I don\u2019t know, maybe this is the best place for me. I\u2019m honestly not sure. I\u2019m riding the wave today. Around 9am Alina came to get me and I got hugs from everyone. Most of them I\u2019ll be seeing soon, hopefully. It was very nice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Christina and I are in Pod a together, so it\u2019s so nice to see familiar faces and feel welcomed already. Polly sat with me during the first snack and both of them of going to help me get around, since I don\u2019t really know what the fuck I\u2019m supposed to be doing. It\u2019s so big over here, but also, the atmosphere is a little more relaxed and the groups more focused on particular subjects, so I think I\u2019ll probably enjoy that. It\u2019s so nice to see Polly and Christina and feel such a warm welcome. They said they\u2019re going to hang out with me this weekend to help, because we\u2019re given so much free time, especially Saturday night and Sunday morning. I\u2019m going to have to find a way to entertain myself. Hmm\u2026 I guess I\u2019ll have time to write, that\u2019s exciting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wow, so the first group was short and sweet, I guess. It\u2019s kind of a blur and it\u2019s so confusing. This reminds me of my first day of college. You\u2019re expected to find your own way around, show up on time for meals, snacks and groups. And there are specialty groups that sometimes serve as an alternative to the regular groups and there are all these different rooms and offices and doors and shit. My head is spinning right now. Polly told me to text them if I\u2019m lost. I AM LOST. OMG! But I think the next group is a combined group, which is kind of cool. I feel like I should be wandering around the building trying to learn it, so I don\u2019t feel so dumb. I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m still so on the fence about this. We\u2019re responsible for everything on our own. There\u2019s no one watching the bathrooms, you go when you go. There\u2019s no one making sure you get your meds on time. The nurse is gone after 2pm and if there is no doctor here, you go to the ER or minute clinic or whatever. My roommate is Trevor for the rest of this week (we get our own rooms, but same apartment) and then next week maybe I can be in a girls apartment. I would feel more comfortable with that for sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m sort of happy I\u2019m here, but I really miss my home already, if that makes sense. Like, the simplicity and rigidity was something that I became very accustomed to and kind of miss already. I haven\u2019t been this free in a long time. I\u2019m planning to restrict all week, which is pretty common when you first get to PHP I hear. I don\u2019t know. Like I\u2019m not even sure I want to be here. I\u2019m not even sure I have an eating disorder. Okay, weird, I know. I\u2019m honestly just not sure how I got over here, especially since I haven\u2019t really had a meal in over a week. I\u2019ve had a few bites here and there, but otherwise, I\u2019ve restricted myself. It is encouraging to have Polly here, they are such a great role model, although they aren\u2019t feeling well today. I\u2019m sitting outside in the open air and even that feels weird. There are no alarms, no warning about elopement, no lines in the hall. I\u2019m just out of my comfort zone. I have 1 clonazepam and I think I\u2019m about to take it. I need to chill the fuck out and just try and go with the flow. It\u2019s all new people, except Christina and Polly. Oh boy. Just\u2026oh boy\u2026 If I didn\u2019t know a few people already I might be running away right now. I\u2019m so freaked out. So many names to learn and spaces to learn. So many new everythings and it\u2019s making me so disoriented.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s a combined group, so get to hangout with Jim and Polly, with Grace as MC. I’m still so nervous, but not like I was feeling Day 1 at Willow. Mostly because the rules aren\u2019t that rigid here and I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m automatically going to get everything wrong and because I already know people here. Yay! My heading is spinning so fast, I\u2019ve lost track of my words. That\u2019s a feeling I can honestly say I haven\u2019t felt in a very long time. It kind of feels like I\u2019m on work release or something. I\u2019m in this middle land where I’m given basic freedoms and rights, but still have to report back everyday and check in with the parole officers. Also, there\u2019s a difference around meal times, so I feel a little weird because of that. Ugh, I feel so confused. Maybe I\u2019m going to be happier. I have to figure out when Juniper can come visit me, too. That\u2019s so important. We\u2019re making a placelist with songs that represent our values. I like hearing everyone\u2019s different musical tastes. I\u2019m comfortable in our little corner with the people I know and love. That\u2019s nice. It\u2019s less intimidating in the combined group with grace leading. It\u2019s been a while since that. I\u2019m about to take my other clonazepam and another Vyvanse. Hey, they put it back in my control, that\u2019s their fault. I was doing just fine with the medication controls we had going before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One neat thing about PHP is there are multiple service dogs in group with us at any given time. They just kind of hang out in the group with us and apparently, one can be petted and the other you must ask, but just having the presence is pretty nice. It feels less like a hospital and more like a group meeting room or something. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to get some weed, is that bad? I miss my weed gummies. I wonder if that\u2019s discouraged or disallowed. I am over 21, so it\u2019s at least legal. Plus, weed at night makes me feel so chill and helps me sleep more soundly through the night. Plus, it makes me laugh a lot. Plus, what else am I going to do on the weekend. I wonder how the Brandon visits will go. Is that even allowed? I have my own room and bathroom, so that\u2019s cool, but I\u2019m not sure about having outside guests and stuff. More things to figure out I suppose. I\u2019m really concerned about this medicine situation. I take Lexapro and Buspar and both of those you have to take at the same time every day. With Buspar, it\u2019s twice a day and I bet I will start feeling super ultra weird if I don\u2019t get it on time. I\u2019m sure Lexapro isn\u2019t the best to miss either. And what if the pharmacy is out of something, ahhhhh, that\u2019s a scary thought. I think Buspar is actually starting to help with anxiety, too. I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m a mountain of crazy thoughts. They are coming faster and harder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know what the deal is with ERC and freezing our asses off in every building we are in, but they sure do fucking nail it. It\u2019s weird. I don\u2019t buy the 72 on the thermostat, it feels more like 62. If I had any arm hairs left, they would all be standing up straight and tall. Also, the cold makes me have to pee so much more. Also, all the water. I\u2019m so fucking hydrated, I\u2019m making the room humid just with my excess water. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So let\u2019s break down the afternoon so far. I\u2019ve had 2 snacks, 1 lunch and haven\u2019t really eaten much for any of them. But it\u2019s day one and I don\u2019t think anyone expects me to do a whole lot today. Courtney wanted me to commit to 25% of all meals and I just can\u2019t promise that right now. We got moved into the apartment. It\u2019s actually pretty nice, I\u2019m rooming with Jim, but that means I have my own bedroom and bathroom<\/strong> and Jim is super chill, so I\u2019ll probably just stick with him, even though Alina offered me different accommodations next week. I can\u2019t really think of a good reason to move. Plus Christina and Polly are right around the corner, so I\u2019ll be able to hang out with them all the time anyways. I can\u2019t wait to get up at 4:30 am and take my shower and listen to Katy Perry and take 2 hours to get dressed, do my hair and get my makeup on, it\u2019s actually really exciting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I had my big outing to Safeway Pharmacy and picked up most of my meds. Most. Grr\u2026 controlled meds are such a fucking pain in the ass. Their system showed that \u201cI\u201dpicked up meds last week, because ERC got meds for me. But ERC can\u2019t send controlled meds with me and they were out of hydroxyzine, so I have 0 anxiety meds right now, except 1 clonazepam that I had before I came here. The pharmacist was a total dick about it, saying ERC was committing fraud by not giving the meds to me. WHAT? An ass\u2026 he was being an ass and I hate that. I was trying to explain to him that I was coming from a hospital and that I hadn\u2019t picked up the medication, so we could figure out a solution and instead of working with me, he just got smart with me and copped an attitude. It was so weird, like why be a dick dude, I\u2019m just trying to pick up my medication. So now it\u2019s up to Dr. Parsley to try and fix it for me and I have to go through Grace to get a message to Dr. Parsley, so it\u2019s all this back and forth bullshit, but I guess I\u2019ll get a text from Safeway if they get it filled. If not, I think he said he can bring over from Willow to here, but I don\u2019t know what that means. Controlled meds are the worst. I get that the pharmacist was just saying that by law, under the current script, he was unable to fill the script. Okay, dude, so help me get the script fixed so that you can fill it. That\u2019s YOUR FUCKING JOB. Call the Dr. and get it corrected. FUCK, NOT THAT HARD. Instead he tried to make me feel stupid, like I had picked up meds already. So fucking weird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Okay, so I\u2019m feeling this vibe over at PHP, it\u2019s very chill. We just played Bananagrams for an hour and hung out. Not sure where Christina and Polly went, but I know Polly is feeling terrible, so maybe they just went to another room to chill. Either way, I\u2019m going to get up and walk outside for a few minutes and get a little bit of sun before dinner. It\u2019s 5:05 PM, so dinner is in 10 minutes and then we have wrap up (I think) and then we get to go home. Which means, organizing and putting away clothes, bathroom things, making my bed and maybe watching the last episode of Euphoria, which is pretty exciting, even with the mixed reviews. I like the third season, some people don\u2019t, but what the fuck do they know. I am sad that it\u2019s the final season though. I\u2019m going to start again with season 1 and make Brandon watch the whole thing with me. I\u2019m pretty sure he\u2019ll love it if we start S1E1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So one not so great thing\u2026 the rules at the apartment are very clear, no one that isn\u2019t a patient is allowed over and no sexual activity whatsoever, which\u2026 hmm\u2026 not sure what we\u2019re going to do about that\u2026? Get a hotel room? Car sex? I don\u2019t know, but I know I want to do it and I can tell Brandon needs it, too. He\u2019s been so patient with me while I\u2019ve been in the hospital. Side note, from the time we get home until 10:00 or 10:30 we can do whatever we want. Obviously I\u2019m going to use some of that time to spend with Juniper. But I want to see Brandon, too. I can probably take the car on the weekends, too. I just have to figure out the parking situation, because apparently these apartments love to tow unauthorized vehicles. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Okay, the social awkwardness has kicked in pretty hard. I went outside expecting Christina to be here, but she\u2019s nowhere to be found. She and Polly just bounced. Maybe they went to the fireplace room or something. I\u2019m not exactly sure where that\u2019s at. I think it might be somewhere on the second floor. Ohhh boy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m sitting in bed at the new apartment. It\u2019s nice, it has a kitchen\/dining area, and a decent little living room with TV! And it\u2019s got a balcony that has a huge sign saying don\u2019t smoke or vape, lol. Np, I quit that shit, finally. I do not want to go back. Vaping is for suckers, IMHO. And cigarettes are just gross, like literally disgusting. So anyways, np with that. However, when I checked in at ERC I had a weed vape cartridge that I thought they would throw away and to my surprise, it was in with my razors, tweezers, and confiscated makeup. So\u2026 woohoo! Anyways, I probably won\u2019t do it much. I think you agree to abstain from weed while in the program. But, one little puff probably wouldn\u2019t show up on a test and since it\u2019s been 2.5 months off weed, one tiny puff is all I need, lol. But, I also don\u2019t want to freak Jim out and definitely don\u2019t want to do it on the balcony where a neighbor could notice and complain. So for now, we\u2019re just doing the one tiny puff. Okay, 2, but really, that\u2019s all. I took my last clonazepam and I\u2019m about to take all my night meds and brush my teeth. It\u2019s weird, it\u2019s 9pm but it doesn\u2019t feel like it all. The change in routine is kind of freaking me out. I\u2019m kind of super anxious around Jim, even though he\u2019s totally cool and like a gentleman. He carried my luggage up. I told Christina that and she gave me a weird look. I didn\u2019t ask, he just grabbed both and my shit was fucking heavy, so kind of impressive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This HS snack business is really hard. I ate a couple of the cookies, but I didn\u2019t drink the milk at all. Like, I feel like it\u2019s easier to ditch HS snack now. Tomorrow I\u2019ll set up a time with Christina and Polly, but Polly was not doing well tonight. They were in a lot of pain and I didn\u2019t want to bother them or impose myself on them. I noticed Jim hasn\u2019t touched his HS snack either, which is kind of surprising. I thought he\u2019d be on that shit, he did so well in residential. I knew I wouldn\u2019t drink the milk, but I could eat a few more cookies I suppose. I want to bring them in my room, but there\u2019s a sign that says, \u201cno food in room.\u201d This probably all seems very boring, but I\u2019m just really surprised at how my will to comply is even less so now. Like, I am much more tempted to take my night meds, listen to a podcast and pass out than to eat all the cookies. It\u2019s too many cookies. And am I supposed to set a timer, sit down and eat them? That just seems strange. Maybe snack and watch TV for a minute. I think that\u2019s what I\u2019ll do. This is me, throwing my recovery a bone. Part of me wants recovery and part of me just doesn\u2019t care. Ugh. FUCK. How was PHP supposed to work for me, I don\u2019t get it? You don\u2019t even have to go to meals when you\u2019re there. They won\u2019t page you or come find you. If you miss, you may get questioned as to why. But they aren\u2019t going to seek you out and make you do it. You have to come on your own free will. Wow, this is like a moral fork in the road and I know what the right thing to do is, but I don\u2019t want to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Other issues for the evening, I don\u2019t have a charger for any of my shit. I left it at Willow, so for tonight I can use what\u2019s left of the battery pack to charge my phone or the tablet. The computer should be fine until tomorrow. I don\u2019t know how much tablet I\u2019ll get. I want to watch the season 3 finale of Euphoria, but I don\u2019t want to fall asleep during it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Just a few more thoughts I\u2019d like to share. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s the new confidence I\u2019ve been working on or what, but I\u2019m starting to experiment with hair styles other than the stupid headbands. I ****THINK**** that I’ve got the beret thing working quite nicely, which is kind of a relief. I really want to style my hair differently than that one fucking look. I think it\u2019s finally getting long enough. I noticed this British sounding woman talking to Christina today and all I care about was how cute her fucking hair was. She had it in this twisty-knotty-bun thing with just the side bangs hanging down. It was so fucking cute. I desperately want to have hair for those types of things. It\u2019s getting longer and I think that\u2019s why the beret is actually working. Anyways, maybe I\u2019ll get excited and post a picture tomorrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel weird. I took clonazepam\u2026 I shouldn\u2019t be anxious and I\u2019m not too much. Just the first night in a new place with a new roommate. Again, Jim is a standup guy, actually I don\u2019t mind having a kind of badass in the house with me. Dude probably knows how to lay down the law if someone fucks around. And he\u2019s completely respectful to me. He and Jake got along great as roommates most of the time at Willow. I\u2019ve never heard either of them complain, really. And they seemed to get along really well. I do wonder what Jim talks about so seriously every morning in the corner. It could be his mother, but with that tone and amount of discretion, I\u2019d swear he\u2019s over their conducting some serious fucking business. Like brokering a sale of something or talking to his lawyer about land negotiations. I\u2019m just saying, if it walks like a duck and shit\u2026 it\u2019s gotta be a quack I\u2019m hearing. Ok, that was cheezy, forgive me, please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the end of the day, it\u2019s quiet in the apartment. I miss the Splataaah hustle at night. It was very soothing to me. Something about getting ready for bed with the girls just made me feel so good at night. No judgement, just pro-tips, lots of giggling and maybe a touch of gossip. Nothing too crazy, just silly stuff mostly. Like how Rose had terrible farting issues the other night. SBD, like ewwwww, shirt over face, stuck in a small hallway. And then someone had that same issue during wrap-up. Rose swears it wasn\u2019t her, but it definitely originated in her vicinity. That\u2019s all I will say. That\u2019s our kind of gossip, silly stuff, 99.99% of the time. Anyways, I miss it. I love the private bathroom, but I miss the company of everyone already. I\u2019m glad I\u2019m in PHP and I hate it. Not having a nurse check on me is hard and not hearing other voices is really hard, too. I know I\u2019ll adapt, but I\u2019m going to miss it for a while. I just really like having roommates, especially other girls. It\u2019s just\u2026 comforting. Maybe I\u2019ll ask about the girl from PHP that said she needs a roommate. That would be a good fit for sure. Then Emma or Cole could room here when they step down in a few weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It will get better. I have to believe that. I find it weird that I got so much comfort in a hospital with strict and even embarrassing rules, where I had literally no privacy and got 15 minutes to shower. Where I had to use a loudest electric razor that cut my neck to make sure I was well shaved around a bunch of cis girls. They were all lovely and I don\u2019t think any of them held anything against me and didn\u2019t mind me being in their space, some even liked me being there. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It\u2019s making me crazy. Why did I want to stay there so badly? I would have stayed two more months probably if they\u2019d let me. I know, tomorrow I\u2019ll spend the entire day in the hospital, just with similar, but less rigid rules. But it\u2019s a long time between now and then. And I\u2019d like to remind you that I don\u2019t do well alone at night. It\u2019s scary. It was comforting to have someone checking on me every few minutes. I didn\u2019t mind it at all. I know, it\u2019s weird. I\u2019m a very private person, but I felt safe for the first time since I can remember. I felt safe and now I feel much less safe. And they all lied to me about these apartments. It\u2019s not just patients here, it\u2019s a full complex with all sorts of people here. We have a deadbolt and they are monitoring to make sure we\u2019re indoors by 10 or 10:30 PM, but it\u2019s still a little scary. And myself, I don\u2019t trust myself at all. I\u2019m too impulsive. I have my belt back, it would be easy right now to do myself in. Ugh, I need to take my brain meds, eat some cookies and go to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear non-existent readers\u2026 I\u2019m very sorry to cut this post so short. I promise, I will work much harder tomorrow as I figure out the new schedule and practice using my time to the best of my ability.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This morning was so strange. I woke up at midnight and realized I hadn\u2019t gotten my luggage yet so I could pack, so when I woke up at midnight, I asked the nurse about it, who told me to ask the BHT when she got back at 2AM, so I stayed up for 2 hrs […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-67","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=67"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":68,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/67\/revisions\/68"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=67"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=67"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=67"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}