Go figure, today is the day that I wake up still tired, my eyes barely staying open and it\u2019s 6:08 am. Weird. Weird feeling for a weird, surreal day. I\u2019m free tomorrow, sort of, and it\u2019s good, right? I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s really happening and I\u2019m nervous and I want to go home. We can call this grand experiment a big failure, that\u2019s what I\u2019d call it. Or maybe not, maybe I got the things that I needed most from my stay here. I don\u2019t know, I just don\u2019t know. And the unknowns are always the most scary. That seems to be what life is right now, a whole lot of unknowns. It\u2019s scary, because the plans I\u2019ve laid are looking the most unknown. And I\u2019m not well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m better than I was two months ago when I checked myself in here. I\u2019m not suicidal anymore, at least not the level I was when I got here. But I don\u2019t trust that this is going to be the case forever. These things come and go. That\u2019s mental illness in a nutshell. What works today may only work for a day, week, month, year, 5 years\u2026 you just don\u2019t know. I know that the stress of life is about to get much harder and that the situation that brought me here has not changed at all. I\u2019m still on my own, doing this by myself. I know medicaid wants to try and take away my nursing based on complete non-sense. They\u2019re such assholes. That could also affect my income, which is bullshit; So yeh, scary. But I still have good things that I can look forward to and things I can do to improve my situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My head continues to spin and I hate this\u2026 the feeling of chaos in my brain. I don\u2019t remember what I dreamed about last night. Danielle was there, but she was not front and center, more like a blip on the screen until the next scene. Maybe that\u2019s what she really was for my life, just a blip until the next scene, chapter, whatever you want to call it. Maybe this is grief acceptance? I don\u2019t know, but I don\u2019t feel any differently. I\u2019m still hurting. I\u2019m still as sad as I was the day she left. I still feel she is missing. I\u2019m still very angry with her. I still miss my friend and my teammate. I\u2019m still upset she abandoned us. But what did she really do for us anyways? She was so critical of me and how I took care of Juniper, yet unwilling to help. Everyone that I know and love told me to get her out of my life, but did they really know. Annie. Annie knew the full story and she tried to get me to leave with Juniper and go to a women\u2019s shelter. She knew, because I told her everything and she was one of the first people to tell me that I needed to get away from Danielle Gauthier, because she was dangerous. Her opinion, but she had some pretty good reasons. She knew the full story. The real story. Not some fantasy land BS that Danielle made up so that she could make me the villain and justify her awful behavior. These are heavy thoughts for 6:22 am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to get up and start getting ready for the day. I want to make it a good day. I want to be involved in every group and meal. I want to make cards for everyone today. I want to be excited about the upcoming changes, whatever they end up being. I want to leave a positive impact on the people here. I think I already have, but today is the day that counts. People remember the last part they see of you the most, so let\u2019s make it count. I\u2019m ready. Let\u2019s do this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Music: Lorde – Melodrama <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Katerina says I should find something more uplifting, but this speaks to me so much right now, it\u2019s hard to change. She also said, \u201cOhhhhhhhh\u2026Clara\u2026. I love the all black.\u201d I think she\u2019s my favorite in the morning, just so very uplifting. It\u2019s been a long time since someone was excited to see me in the morning. Maybe Brandon, but I don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, not to brag, but I am killing it on hair and makeup. I\u2019ve been really taking my time with eyeliner and given that it\u2019s gel, going very, very light and it magically does its thing on its own. It\u2019s amazing what taking an extra few minutes can do. I used to be so intimidated to do makeup in front of the other girls, but my confidence has grown significantly. It\u2019s a good feeling, I feel proud of myself for once, which is something I haven\u2019t felt in quite some time. It\u2019s not just the makeup, it\u2019s the overall feeling of actually not being scared to love myself. That\u2019s powerful. Sarah gave me permission on that card that she gave me. Is that all it takes, really? I just needed to hear someone I admire (and I do admire her, she\u2019s the coolest). <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s going to be an interesting day, we\u2019re understaffed. One BHT per unit, and we got Jessette, who is awesome, but to my knowledge has only trained for one day with Kristen. It should be interesting, that\u2019s for sure. What a great way to spend my last full day here, with the inmates running the prison. It actually won\u2019t be that bad, we love our staff, they\u2019re our friends even with their authority. We treat each other well. They care about us and we care about them. It\u2019s a neat relationship. I guess APN was kind of like that, too. I remember one night I was having a massive panic attack. I don\u2019t remember why, but it was bad and at APN, they wouldn\u2019t give you any benzos. I brought mine with me and they threw them away. I was so mad. Anyways, I went downstairs and just sat with their equivalent of a BHT and worked on a puzzle for a couple of hours. It was nice. I don\u2019t remember her name, but I just needed some company. I think half of my mental health crisis could be solved with funny videos, laughs or just a smile. Maybe a conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am I questioning continuing? That\u2019s the question Courtney asked me and I can\u2019t answer it. I don\u2019t know what to say. I don\u2019t know what recovery means. How can I continue or stop something that I can\u2019t define? I thought that it meant eating normally. I was eating normally, for me at least. But that wasn\u2019t enough. I had to eat more. More quantity, more variety, more, more, more, more. It\u2019s just too overwhelming, I can\u2019t handle it. Too much is too much. I\u2019m not trying to change who I am. Is that really the requirement? How am I supposed to be comfortable in my own skin if I\u2019m not allowed to care about my appearance? I would ask Alina, but she would just say, \u201cI want you to challenge those thoughts\u2026\u201d or something completely unhelpful. I should reframe this thought, I owe it to myself to stay positive today. I feel more positive today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our dinner question tonight is, \u201cIf you could shapeshift, what would you shapeshift into?\u201d I have my answer throughout, but I\u2019m not sure if I can make it work. We\u2019ll see, and will update later. I want to stay away from heavy thoughts today, as much as possible. I\u2019m going to do some Lulu shopping and fill up my cart. I can\u2019t order anything new until I get to the new place, but I can window shop. And I have to find an uplifting album or music to listen to. Maybe Solar Power or some Katy Perry? Katy is my go to for high energy, even though some of her songs are about relationships and breakups. Maybe I should just skip when those come on? Or maybe I should listen to her first album. Or, Taylor Swift, I want to know what I\u2019m missing. Mind you, these are all artists that Danielle Gauthier would make fun of, except Lorde. But even Lorde, she only listens to her first album, Pure Heroine, which is great, but her later stuff dives so much deeper into life, love and even mental health. Oh, I want to listen to that British artist, rapper guy that sings about his mental health. I have to find him again, he\u2019s so good and gives off positive vibes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to use all of this nervous energy this morning for something positive. My choices include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m feeling more drowsy today than usual. I wonder if Lexapro or Buspar are starting to work better. I’m sure they both can make you drowsy when they first start working, since they work on dopamine and serotonin receptors. That\u2019s how these brain meds are, it\u2019s like you feel nothing for days, sometimes weeks, you continue increasing the dose and then one day, things just start to feel better. I wonder, is that what I\u2019m experiencing? I really didn\u2019t want to get out of bed this morning, but not in the depressed kind of way. It was more of, \u201cI\u2019m comfortable and still drowsy and feel like I could sleep in for the first time in months. I\u2019m glad I did, I really do enjoy the mornings here. I\u2019m also looking forward to getting up earlier at the apartment and taking my shower and doing my morning routine at my own pace. This will be especially true if I don\u2019t have to share a room or bathroom with someone. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I would love to have a real roommate, like Betty or whoever. But I really enjoy my morning routine. It\u2019s one of the things I miss most about being home. Ugh, I don\u2019t want to think about going home yet, that makes me super anxious. Let\u2019s focus on one step at a time, big changes are already coming. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, Miss procrastination, I need to pick a project and work on it. Journaling is such a cop out, I do it all day instead of doing the other things that really need work. Buying a custom wordpress theme and stylizing the blog better is one thing I really want to do. Uploading those written pages is another. Google is so weird and unpredictable. It indexes, de-indexes, then indexes for real, then goes under manual review. It\u2019s one of the reasons I got out of SEO and marketing, the predictability and reliability of the major internet neighborhoods sucks. And you can do everything right, be completely compliant and they still just shut you down or de-index, or kick you off of their platform. I do have one secret weapon that I\u2019m debating using. I have a bunch of very old videos on youtube and I can link to websites in the about section and it would probably get me indexed faster and more reliably. But at the same time, I want this to be an all organic project. I want to continue writing lots of unique content and let google decide what it thinks is worthwhile. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m bold enough yet to make a Youtube channel. I might make an Instagram account though. Boring. Sorry. I know, I know, this is probably boring and not why you\u2019re reading this page. I\u2019ll move on shortly. I think it just ties into my todo list and also my eating disorder, as procrastination is a major part of both eating disorders and ADHD. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
ADHD has long been my super power. I can listen to and hold multiple conversations at once, I have a constant stream of ideas, making my brain a creative powerhouse. I can find solutions to nearly any problem you put in front of me, save anorexia, cocaine addiction or preserving my marriage. But otherwise, give me your biggest problem and I\u2019ll figure out a way to solve it using whatever resources are available. I used to say that my job at Suited Connector had little to do with marketing and everything to do with problem solving. I was great at it until I got so massively depressed I couldn\u2019t stand to look at a computer screen for more than a few minutes a day. I could barely get out of bed. Looking back, why was I so depressed? I guess I\u2019ve been that way for years and just never gave it much thought, because I found ways to be functionally depressed. Then I found cocaine and it was the best coping mechanism that I\u2019d ever experienced. I had energy and excitement about everything when I was high. Of course, the problem with that is that you don\u2019t stay high and the lows are so low you want to die, until you figure out a way to get high again. Ewwww. What a horrible way to live. I\u2019m so glad to be done with drugs (except weed, I will definitely smoke weed once I\u2019m done with this anorexia bullshit.) I digress. Cocaine use got so bad, I was waking up at 6am after sleeping 1-2 hours and doing more cocaine just to wake up and function during the day. I was also abusing my ADHD meds at the same time, so super dangerous. But the truth of the addiction was that I wanted it to kill me, similarly to how I wanted anorexia to kill me when I first got here. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t want to die today, I\u2019m relatively content and I love myself enough that today I feel beautiful and authentic. Maybe the anxiety is less? I can\u2019t tell. I have been sitting next to Katerina in the group room, sharing a couch and that\u2019s made me feel less anxious about being in here. She\u2019s the coolest and she lives in Colorado. It would be awesome to hangout with her and her boyfriend sometime. Maybe a double date or something? There\u2019s an age gap, but I don\u2019t really think that matters, I have a young heart and spirit. I don\u2019t dress like my age, I like to stay stylish and trendy and I\u2019m pretty good at it. Weird, we just got kicked out of the group room and now I\u2019m feeling anxious in the hallway, so the reverse of normal. I don\u2019t understand my brain most of the time, I guess that\u2019s what treatment is about, learning your brain and how to manage its different phases, moods, etc. Miram (she\u2019s my regular psychiatrist outside of here) said something so powerful to me, long before I came here. She said, \u201cYou\u2019re more than your relationship with Danielle.\u201d I think she was giving me permission to love myself, too. In fact, the only person I know that denied me permission to love myself was Danielle Gauthier. Annie gave me permission, Josie gave me permission, and to my surprise, my Mom did, too. I guess Murial was doing the same thing all those years ago now. Lindsay Marie Morris and Danielle Gauthier are the only ones that denied me permission and tried to take away every shred of dignity that I had. Hmm\u2026 the ones that were supposed to love me most were not fanning my flame, they were trying to extinguish it. Such bullshit. I think I deserve people in my life that lift me up and that I can lift up. I am allowed to and deserve to be loved. DO YOU HEAR THAT DANIELLE GAUTHIER, I DESERVE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOUR ABUSE AND TO BE LOVED BY OTHERS. You would deny me that, but I\u2019ve taken my power back and you\u2019ll never control me again. Ohhhh\u2026 too heavy these thoughts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve taken step one to writing cards for everyone. I\u2019m going to go down the hall and get names on cards and then write a message to everyone. Or maybe the people that have influenced me the most. Am I being melodramatic? I don\u2019t want to be, I just get so attached to time and space and then romanticize it. I should make staying present one of my values. Isn\u2019t that how you find happiness? Happiness = finding contentment with what you have, where you are and who you\u2019re with in each moment of your life. I\u2019m actually very fortunate, I\u2019m blessed or lucky, or whatever you want to call it. I need to remember that. I have Juniper, she\u2019s the greatest blessing in my life and all the pain that I’ve experienced because of Danielle Gauthier is worth it, I got a daughter that I adore out of it. I\u2019d go through 100000000x the pain for Juniper, she\u2019s worth every single millisecond. She lifts me higher than anyone else ever. When I\u2019m done with treatment, I\u2019ll go home to her and we are going to live a wonderful life. I\u2019ll be with her as long as she wants me to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wonder what my greatest needs are to be happy and content. There are basics: shelter, clothing, nutrition, companionship and belonging. I think having those five things is all I really need. I already have those, so why do I get depressed or feel like a piece is missing? My companionship is evolving to be more open. I\u2019m going to have more people in my life, I\u2019m going to be ALLOWED more people in my life. That\u2019s a happy thought to hang on to. I\u2019ve said that weekends were always the toughest without Danielle around and Brandon is going to give me his weekends. For right now, that\u2019s good. I\u2019m happy with that. We can do stuff together and stuff with Juniper, which is exciting. One of the things that I like about Brandon (and there are quite a few) is that he is stable and knows how to maintain balance in his life, something I\u2019m terrible at, so maybe I can learn from him. He has a lot of friends and he makes time for them. He takes care of the ones that need help if they ask. He\u2019s the opposite of Danielle, he wants to make me a bigger part of his life and help me find new friends. It\u2019s only strange to me because it\u2019s the opposite of the controlling relationships that I\u2019ve been enduring for decades. Is this what a healthy relationship looks like? I genuinely don\u2019t know, but it feels good. It doesn\u2019t feel like there\u2019s a power imbalance and I like that. I can be delicate without being controlled. I need to remember that and never let anyone have a power imbalance over me again. I have to be more aware and prepared to walk away if that starts happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wonder if I\u2019ll ever be able to travel again. It\u2019s so complicated right now because of the passport issue with trans people. Which, I guess it\u2019s not a big deal, I just have to use my deadname and look masculine when I travel. It would feel odd because I\u2019ve been Clara for almost a year now. But if I wear a hat and no makeup, I can still look mostly masculine, I guess. Sport\u2019s bra and baggy shirt to hide the boobs. I guess that goes for traveling interstate as well. I was talking to this guy that works for a trans advocacy group, and he said, just use your birth name and sex on official documents and just think about it like it\u2019s an error. Such a smart idea. If I do this, then I should renew my passport now, in case we have to get out of the country fast. I know, to most people this probably sounds paranoid. But this is how oppression of a group starts. Mocking, spreading of disinformation, portraying them as unstable, unbalanced, mentally ill, etc. Then average people that don\u2019t have a connection to this group can justify treating them with cruelty or ignoring their existence as a whole. I guess I have hesitation with this journal, too. I could easily make myself a target, especially if I start getting regular visitors or my name becomes known. From that perspective, I kind of want to hide. I remember in 5th grade, my teacher had this slogan on the wall, \u201cWhat is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular.\u201d Do the right thing, regardless of the consequences. That\u2019s what I think this journal is about, making someone else that\u2019s going through similar circumstances, be it abuse, transition, anorexia, divorce, struggling with mental illness or having a child with special needs, you\u2019re not alone. And you don\u2019t have to identify with all parts of my life to identify with some of them. I need to be brave and bold. I need to do what’s right, not what\u2019s popular. Make the right choices and not be scared. Standing up to hatred is one of my values. I hate bullies and I won\u2019t be intimidated. I\u2019m done letting fear rule my life, I will be brave and bold and fuck the consequences. I\u2019m on my own now, I have to stand up tall. Authentic me wouldn\u2019t let fear rule her life, so neither will I.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay. I\u2019ve taken a small step to accomplish one of my goals, writing cards for everyone. Yay! One task started and I can work on the cards in my room during roomtime. I feel a lot of positive energy today, even though I\u2019m dreading tomorrow. Make the most of the day, right? Try to appreciate the moment and don\u2019t focus on what\u2019s next and miss what\u2019s happening right now, right? Am I doing this right? I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s so complicated, this happiness thing. I feel like I\u2019m falling apart with every change. Chaos is the worst way for my brain to be. Like it\u2019s spinning and scrambled and smashed against the wall and I\u2019m always trying to put Humpty back together again, but squished egg, not brain. But I feel positive, mostly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019re going outside for group, I hope it\u2019s warm. It can\u2019t be much worse than the hallway. My hands feel like they are going to freeze off today. They\u2019re almost numb and my fingers actually hurt. It\u2019s awful, maybe PHP will be warmer? One can hope and dream of basking in 75 degrees all day long. It\u2019s warm, but not hot yet. I had hoped to at least take my hoodie off and put my sunglasses on, but we\u2019re just not there yet. We looked at the temp right before we came out and it said 72. Ironic, because that\u2019s what all the thermostats on the unit say, too. They lie. It\u2019s much colder inside than it is out here. Today we have a new MC and I forget her name already, but she is using materials straight from the book, which is a little boring, but she\u2019s new, I think, so we have to give her grace and let her do her best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m tired already, I guess the clonazepam is slowing things down a little bit for me, just like it always does right after snack. That time when things get hectic in my mind and when I start to feel challenged to finish or eat snack. It was weird, too, my breakfast didn\u2019t have yogurt, which it always does. So either I forgot to circle it (doubtful), when they transcribed it to the little sheets the BHTs use, it got missed, or some RD fucked with my menu. I also had a tiny bowl of cereal today, which was weird. Some days it\u2019s a huge bowl and others it\u2019s a tiny bowl. Audra had the same cereal, but the large bowl, fruit and yogurt. WTF? I\u2019m sure it was just some stupid error, but it feels like they are fucking with me. I restricted, I want to send a message, I\u2019m not going to complete a meal plan. I\u2019m going to eat until I don\u2019t want to anymore and then stop. Going to PHP, working through emotions around eating, all these things. I don\u2019t think they are actually helping me. Ugh, broken. I feel so fucking broken. I ask this everyday\u2026 Why am I not getting better? What is it about me that makes me so resistant to the people that tell me how to help myself? Why do I ignore the advice of the people that deal with eating disorders every single day? Trust. Trust is my biggest factor and I still don\u2019t feel like my team is really on my side. I don\u2019t feel like Alina has helped me at all. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m ready to make the changes they want me to make. So many reasons and here goes my brain doing loopty-loops. How strange. I feel strange. I want to feel normal. I feel ugly again. Why doesn’t the image make me feel good, it makes me feel ugly, now. Where did my positive energy go? It\u2019s like a video game character that\u2019s fighting through a stage, they start out will all their bars full, but slowly as they work their way through the stage, they encounter things that begin to drain them and if you can beat the mini-boss at the end before your bar gets to zero, you have to start all over. My bar is in the red and I\u2019m going to have to start at Stage One, again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need to offer kind words to myself, that\u2019s one of the things we\u2019re talking about right now. Positive self talk, being more mindful and accepting pain without judgement. I think being judged so harshly for so long by Danielle Gauthier makes it hard to do all these things. I want to contribute to the group, but I feel so drowsy today, so weird, because clonazepam hasn\u2019t done this to me in a week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m so drowsy and I do not want to be outside for this group, but I\u2019m doing it because I committed to it today. We\u2019re talking about values that are most important. My black pants are so hot right now, I can feel my legs searing and burning through and my skin is on fire. I\u2019ve been working on relationships, especially with my mother. I\u2019m dedicated and committed to being Juniper\u2019s Mom and being there for her. I haven\u2019t quit this place yet, although I got really close 3 weeks ago. I\u2019m going to PHP despite thinking it\u2019s going to be a waste of time and I\u2019m going to end up back here. I haven\u2019t given up on myself, although I was ready to a few weeks ago. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll be honest, I was fantasizing earlier about getting my belt back tonight and hanging myself overnight. That\u2019s the closest that I\u2019ve come to doing it since I\u2019ve been here, except that one day where they room searched me and took my belt. Not like it fucking matters. I\u2019m a goner tomorrow and no fucks seem to be given. Jessette didn\u2019t even record that I didn\u2019t finish my lunch, lol. So they are going to think I completed a meal, which is annoying as fuck. No, no I didn\u2019t complete that fucking meal and I didn\u2019t do it on purpose. Now I\u2019m going to have to not eat a single fucking bite for dinner to making a goddamn point. And both PM and HS snack, I have to avoid eating anything, too. Yay! I really just want to skip the fucking cafe, but I want to see and talk to everyone. I\u2019m just too sad and I don\u2019t want to go, I don\u2019t want to go to PHP and continue. I just want to go home and get better at restricting again. I don\u2019t want to do these stupid fucking groups any more. Even if I get to see Polly every day, I don\u2019t want to be there. I don\u2019t. The building is most definitely NOT secure, any fucking body can walk in and wander around. I don\u2019t feel safe there, the group rooms are right by the front fucking door. It is not the same thing. But it doesn\u2019t matter, I\u2019m going. I hate it and I\u2019m going. I\u2019m not ready. And I\u2019m going. I don\u2019t want this. And I\u2019m going. I can\u2019t kill myself, right? I have to hang in here or at least let the ED kill me. I can\u2019t hang myself, right? Everything just feels so dark today. I feel dark and maybe this is depression. Maybe I was depressed this morning and that\u2019s why I didn\u2019t want to get up and get out of bed. Maybe the depression intensity has worsened. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s hard to say. I\u2019m feeling lost. I think I keep repeating that because it\u2019s the most accurate description of what\u2019s going on in my head. My ED voice is louder than ever and I really just want to go home. If I have to leave here, I\u2019d rather just go home and give up. If I\u2019m losing the security of here, then I want to be at home with my girl, my dog, my cats, my boyfriend. I\u2019m tired of fighting and I want to get my restriction back down to 500 calories or less a day. Fuck this place, they don\u2019t know how to fix me, I am broken. I am, nothing will fix me. Maybe suicide is the best option. I could wait for the 15 minute check to go by tonight and then hang myself. I\u2019d be really fucking dead long before they made it back down to me. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s a thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My biggest fear is myself and being on my own again feels so dangerous and risky. I don\u2019t trust myself, I can\u2019t promise I\u2019ll be safe. I won\u2019t have a nurse to talk to or BHT or friends. I\u2019m so depressed. Ugh. True that I only have 10 cons to leaving, but they are 10 really big cons. Like, life changing ones. I\u2019m not going to eat another bite today. Not one fucking bite. I\u2019ll drink my water and my tea, but not a single fucking bite of a cookie, milk or anything else that has calories. I don\u2019t care about recovery. I don\u2019t fucking care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m about to have my last dinner here. Betty totally was walking down the hall with a card with my name on it that everyone had signed. I love you Betty. I hate surprises anyways, but I can fake surprised like nobody\u2019s business. I think I\u2019m so upset about leaving here because I know my place here, I know where I fit. I have confidence in where I fit and now I\u2019m moving to a new atmosphere with new people and I have to start again and learn where I fit all over and that\u2019s intimidating. It\u2019s not a good reason to stop eating though. But, I like restricting, it makes me feel good, like I\u2019ve accomplished something. I\u2019m not even that good at being anorexic, I eat too much and haven\u2019t mastered the tiny slow bites trick AT ALL.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, 6:29 PM and we just finished dinner and it was a really fun last dinner. It included singing by Ella, dancing by Margie and lots and lots of laughing. It was great. They made Jim and I cards signed by everyone and it was really nice. I\u2019m not going to get emotional until tomorrow morning, but I do feel a sense of grief. When you live with these people this long, they\u2019re more than just co-patients, they become like a big family. I have so much respect and love for every single one of them and my heart is breaking, even though I know going is the right thing to do. I made them all little cards with a message and I\u2019m going to slide it under their doors at like 4 AM. That\u2019s the plan anyways. I still have to pack and I need my suitcase and duffle bag. Not really sure how I\u2019m going to fit all the new clothes that I bought in these two bags, but I\u2019ll make it work, somehow. Also, I can\u2019t forget my guitar. Ugh. I\u2019m so emo. Breakfast tomorrow is going to be hard. Tonight, just going to enjoy the company and have fun and try to get some sleep. Coffee in the morning is still the thing I\u2019m most looking forward to. However, as soon as they send me to Safeway to get my meds, I am going down 3 redbulls back to back to back and see what happens. Only good things I hope.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Go figure, today is the day that I wake up still tired, my eyes barely staying open and it\u2019s 6:08 am. Weird. Weird feeling for a weird, surreal day. I\u2019m free tomorrow, sort of, and it\u2019s good, right? I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s really happening and I\u2019m nervous and I want to go […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-63","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=63"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":64,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/63\/revisions\/64"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=63"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=63"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=63"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}