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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nIt\u2019s early, I\u2019m early. I made it out of Splataaah and was done with the med line and it\u2019s only 7:28 am. That means at least 17 minutes to contemplate life. I feel pretty weak today, tbh. I definitely need to eat something this morning. Toast with peanut butter or cereal. Hopefully not raisin bran again, that\u2019s too much for me to handle. Maybe honey nut cheerios. That would be tasty and give me the sugar buzz I need to get this morning started off right. Sarah is wearing the coolest silver skirt, a black sweater and the cutest mary janes with white frilly socks. I want white frilly socks like hers. I wish she lived in Denver, she\u2019s so chill. She\u2019ll be going to PHP in a few weeks I would imagine, I hope I get to see her there. She\u2019s the sweetest. I think I left her card she made me in the cafe, so I\u2019m praying it\u2019s there this morning. We\u2019re supposedly not allowed to leave cards in there anymore, we have to carry them back and forth. Weird rules are weird. Jim is over in the corner making his morning business call. It\u2019s so serious, he looks like a business bro about to make a deal. I remember being good at business, lol. I don\u2019t have the heart for it any more, but I respect that business people are needed. It\u2019s an important skill, just not for me anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Katerina was greeting everyone this morning by name and with her usual enthusiasm, \u201cGooood morning, Clara. Ohhhhhh, I LOVE the Skirt. Is THAT one of the NEW ONES?\u201d She finds a way to make everyone feel special and tells us all, \u201cIt\u2019s going to be a GOOD day.\u201d Betty is trying out a new wig today, a little longer than yesterday\u2019s. Since she\u2019s been here, she\u2019s gotten her teeth fixed, because they were so bad she could barely eat anything. And she\u2019s been trying wigs, no doubt inspired by Belle and her long flowing wigs. She was losing some hair in the back, it seemed like she would curl it with such high heat it would singe. The wigs are working for her, they\u2019re auburn, like her real hair, but full and flowing. And she loves wearing dresses, today she has a bright pattern of purple, oranges, traced with black lines and white in between. It\u2019s quite beautiful, she likes bright colors and they look great on her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wow, I\u2019m going to really miss the rush of the morning with everyone. I don\u2019t know if everyone likes it like I do, but I think it\u2019s so fun. The energy is so positive and filled with compliments for everyone. I know, it\u2019s strange I guess. Maybe not. I think I just enjoy the company of so many people. And the mornings always start out this way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel like the fact that I can\u2019t name one Taylor Swift song somehow makes me invalid as a woman. What am I missing? And I mean, I\u2019ve listened to a few songs, but I haven\u2019t really listened to her full albums. Should I start with her first album and go forward? That\u2019s how I usually like to listen to new artists. Start with their first album and listen to their progression as an artist and listen for key changes to style, based on growth as a person or other influences. I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m so anxious that just thinking about listening to something new is kind of scary. Why is it scary? LOL. Listening to new music is not scary and I should not feel fear around something that is supposed to bring me enjoyment or comfort. But what if I become a Swiftie, what then? Aren\u2019t her concert tickets like $1000 each or something? Fuck. That may be a new habit that I just can\u2019t afford. But all the girls are walking around with their Taylor Swift tour shirts and I\u2019m certain I\u2019m missing something. Maybe Taylor Swift is the kind of girl I want to be like?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My makeup is on point today, but I feel ugly when I look through the camera. My lips feel chapped though, which sucks. I don\u2019t know why, I\u2019m fucking hydrated. This happens, I just have days where I hate seeing myself and I feel so ugly, so manly, despite what I wear or how good my makeup looks. That all being said, I got my eyeliner to look right this morning. I\u2019ve been taking my time with it and doing a better job. I saw how the other girls were doing it and I\u2019ve tried to do it like that. I use a gel pen, so the secret is very, very light touches. I feel weird and anxious already today. Why do I feel so anxious already? It\u2019s WAAAAAAY too early for clonazepam. I need to save it for when anxiety is at its highest and I need to be still, like before the first group. I\u2019m determined to make all meals, snacks and groups today. It\u2019s my last Saturday and I want to spend it with my peers. Plus, Asia is the MC and she is super cool. She\u2019s so beautiful, with perfect milky skin and gorgeous long blonde hair. And she was one of the people that said my makeup was actually on point. She wouldn\u2019t have said it if it wasn\u2019t true, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Priscilla just came inside from the patio. I asked her if it was too cold and she had a concerned look on her face and said she felt weird. She started some new meds recently and I wonder if they are causing dysphoria, which Vraylar did to me. If so, I know how awful that feels. You just can\u2019t get comfortable, so you stand up and move around, which makes you more anxious and so you try and sit down, but you can\u2019t stay still, so you move around. It\u2019s a vicious cycle and the only thing that helps me is benzos, clonazepam or lorazepam. I worry about Priscilla a lot, she\u2019s so sweet and she deserves the chance to be happy. I hope we figure out a way to stay friends after I leave. Even if it\u2019s just texting each other outfits and what not. She\u2019s curled up in my favorite nap spot next to the exam room. It\u2019s the quietest area with a couch and I go there to chill. Priscilla, Belle and Sarah also go there sometimes. I\u2019ll probably put my leggings on after Brandon comes and then take a nap there this afternoon, but only after group. I want to check on Priscilla, but I\u2019m pretty sure she just needs space and quiet right now. If she\u2019s found a comfortable spot I don\u2019t want to interfere. I\u2019m going to ask her for Lulu tips later today though. I need to up my Lulu game and she\u2019s the perfect friend to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One thing I\u2019ve noticed is that I\u2019m not the only girl that gets up and gets dressed, hates what they have on and then goes and changes. Betty does it all the time if she doesn\u2019t like the way something looks. Sarah did it yesterday, she was wearing a cute as fuck dress with her long sleeve zebra underneath, and before I could compliment her, she changed. Rose did it this morning, she was wearing this oversized Paris shirt that hung halfway off her shoulder. It was so cute and trendy. But before breakfast, she changed into her favorite fleece and a normal t-shirt. It\u2019s scary being around so many girls sometimes. If you don\u2019t get compliments on your outfit, you worry that they are all judging you. I do it, too, all the time. I added a sweater to my ensemble this morning because I was afraid the knit top underneath was too short or too revealing, especially with the mini skirt I have on. Just more girl norms and I appreciate this one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ugh. I think maybe I want to play some music today. One thing that will be nice about the apartment and the freedom of PHP is that I\u2019ll be able to play without a full audience. Sometimes I just want to play and sing and not worry about forgetting the lyrics or getting it wrong. My fingers have no calluses now, they\u2019re super soft and delicate, which means I can\u2019t play for very long before they hurt. I think I\u2019m ok with callused finger tips on one hand. I\u2019m a musician after all and I have to be able to express myself that way sometimes, whenever the mood strikes me. I think I have a nice singing voice. It\u2019s not as beautiful as Lorde\u2019s but it\u2019s not terrible either, it\u2019s much smoother than, for instance, the previous patient Violet. She understood music better and played piano really well, but her voice cracked a lot and she missed the pitch all the time. Also, she only played like 6 songs over and over again. I\u2019m trying to avoid that, which is one reason I\u2019ve only played a few times here. Ugh, I\u2019ve got to pee AGAIN. At least someone else asked this time instead of me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to pace, I\u2019ve just got this really strong and nervous energy this morning, it\u2019s the worst that it\u2019s been in 2-3 days at least. It doesn\u2019t feel normal at all and it sucks that I can\u2019t figure out what\u2019s causing it. I just want to get up and move, anywhere, just move, anywhere. I wonder how movement is going to be restricted at PHP, can we go for walks sometimes around the block or something. Ohh. I don\u2019t know, I don\u2019t think I want to be seen outside the building. I still don\u2019t feel safe being outside, especially by myself. Maybe I just need to focus on something else for a little while. I could look for blog themes and find something cute that reflects the tone of the journal. I want something pink with interesting pages. I also have a lot of scanning I need to do, I want to upload my written stuff. I just feel so bad, like my head is humming. Is my Vyvanse dose too high now that I\u2019m taking estrogen? I\u2019ve read anecdotal reports from other trans women with ADHD that talk about how estrogen helped with their ADHD. Maybe my brain is better able to utilize its dopamine now? Dr. Parsley would fall out of his chair if I asked him to lower my dose or help get me off of Vyvanse, lol. That\u2019s extreme though, this anxiety is this bad at home usually. But I also have to remember that I started Lexapro and Buspar which both might change the way my ADHD brain works, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Socially transitioning is the hardest part of being trans, without question. The people that you know and love fall into one of two categories, they either accept and support you or they don\u2019t. There really isn\u2019t a middle ground, even if they are unsupportive, but say they are supportive. They still fall into the first bucket. And it\u2019s demonstrated in many ways. But, the worst part is that by socially transitioning, you have to accept that you will lose friends and family\u2026 it\u2019s just part of the game. It\u2019s also why Annie (outpatient therapist) and everyone else keeps telling me to build a new network. It\u2019s easier said than done though. Brandon is so involved with LGBT stuff, but I don\u2019t want being trans to be my identity. I want my identity to be a person that encompasses my core values of being a good Mom to Juniper, being authentic, being honest, being trustworthy and caring about others. Also, being hella stylish, although that\u2019s not a core value, per se. If I had known the social transition would be this hard, would I have still done it? I don\u2019t know. If I had known Danielle was going to run away I definitely would not have, but I think she would have run away regardless, so I guess I still come out ahead. Ugh. I hate these heavy thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The other thing that I was just painfully unaware of is that traveling is now dangerous for me. I\u2019m not allowed to use the women\u2019s restroom in many states that surround Colorado, like Kansas and Idaho (by far the worst). I could actually be arrested for doing so. But using the men\u2019s room, especially if I\u2019m dressed fem, is also really dangerous. That\u2019s how beatings and rape happen. It\u2019s a lose-lose situation right now, especially with this shit president showing open bigotry and encouraging white nationalism. It\u2019s gross. I was also painfully unaware of how bad it would get under this dipshit. Not that it matters what I thought, Colorado is a blue state now and our votes all went to Kamala, especially in my district which is just outside of downtime Denver. It\u2019s bluer than the bluest blue. Trump just ran a more compelling campaign, sadly. He used the power of Elon\u2019s reach and Joe Rogan\u2019s reach to get elected. So stupid. And unless he croaks from natural causes, it\u2019s going to get worse before it gets any better. Maybe that\u2019s another reason I want to be inside this hospital so much. It\u2019s safe here, I don\u2019t have to worry about going to the store and the clerks giving me stares or running into the wrong group of people while walking the dog. It was different when Danielle was around, I felt so confident. That\u2019s part of my anguish with her abandoning me, she\u2019s brave, I have to admit. I\u2019m not a coward, but my confidence wanes depending on where I\u2019m at and who I\u2019m with. I do feel safe being with Brandon at least. He\u2019s going to take me places, I have to remember that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to crawl out of my skin and I hate it. Ugh. Also, it\u2019s always so fucking cold in here and I\u2019m freezing. Brandon better love this skirt, I\u2019m suffering for him. I wish I could get my good concealer out of confiscated stuff today. I have just a couple of spots that could use it. The milieu is so crowded right now with the group room closed and I feel claustrophobic, not a good combo with the skin crawling bit. I need a safe space like my room to hide in right now. Snack was a disaster. It\u2019s blueberry muffin and boost. I ate half the muffin and they brought out 16 ounces of vanilla boost, like I\u2019m going to drink that, I would puke. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I ran out of the cafe and got clonazepam and I\u2019m hoping it starts working soon. I did sit through group and participated, so I can give myself credit for that at least. I answered honestly and vulnerably. It\u2019s not hard with this group, but we\u2019re insulated, safe. We talked about our inner circle of influence and the different layers that we\u2019re willing to let people see. I was surprised by who I let see me authentically, who they are in my life. Even though they aren\u2019t that close, I trust them more than people like my mom or my oldest friends. It\u2019s strange.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I worry that one of the things I said in cafe hurt someone\u2019s feelings and I didn\u2019t mean to, it was very light hearted, but she seemed a little distraught. I won\u2019t do that again. Sometimes I miss social cues and I think this was one. I got some sideways glances for sure. Oops, I\u2019m so sorry. I don\u2019t mean offense, but I can see how they might have felt called out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Recoverish Podcast is one Priscilla recommended to the group. Maybe I\u2019ll start this tonight, I need something different to listen to at bedtime. I\u2019m bored with Sword and Scale and true crime reminds me too much of Danielle anyways. I want to branch out and see what other kinds of podcasts I enjoy. Anything sciency, especially psychological stuff I really like, as long as the topics are close to topics that I care most about. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I really want to start a tiktok or youtube channel and make short videos about various subjects we talk about here, especially the confessional parts, where I talk about how I\u2019m cheating myself. Anorexia is no laughing matter and I want to talk about it, have group discussion and connect with others that are struggling, but at the same time, putting myself out there is kind of scary. I hate how social media links you automatically to people in your contact list. I literally don\u2019t want any of my professional contacts to see videos talking about my anorexia and transgenderism. I just don\u2019t trust them enough to let them that close. A lot of those people are conservatives anyways, so what they think of me really doesn\u2019t matter at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m feeling more calm now. Like the energy and anxiety are still there, but they are suppressed below the surface and I can at least think without being overrun by intrusive thoughts. Maybe I should eat lunch like normal? I don\u2019t know, I feel like I\u2019ve gone this far with the restriction, so what\u2019s to hold me back from going all the way. Certainly not the levels of care, they are making a fucking point by ignoring my noutrishen behaviors and ED behaviors in the cafe. Like, I\u2019m not even really getting redirected, it\u2019s weird. Everyone knows I\u2019m starving myself and they aren\u2019t saying anything. What I am certain of is that they have some sort of plan and I\u2019m not in the loop. I could tell Alina was very frustrated with me when we did the tour on Friday. I\u2019m not excited, I should be, but I\u2019m not. None of the answers that they have given me have been satisfactory and I still don\u2019t feel like we\u2019re on the same page. I feel like they are still going to push as hard as they can to get my weight over 150 and I will never feel ok with that. Maybe that is my ED talking. Maybe my ED behaviors will start to lessen if I hit that kind of weight. But no, no they won\u2019t. That is going to get me back on terzepeptide or however you spell that shit, because I\u2019m going to want to get rapid weight loss and if I am no longer able to restrict myself sufficiently, I\u2019m going to get help from the drug. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What\u2019s changed? Why am I suddenly against recovery? In principle I\u2019m not against it. I do want happiness in my life, the \u201cjoy\u201d they speak of, but I just don\u2019t think I\u2019m capable of it. All of the progress I was making over the last couple of months was bullshit white knuckling it. And I was barely eating anything, mostly peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheese quesadillas and it was mostly tired to Parsley wanting to take my Vyvanse away. I\u2019m literally at the point where I\u2019m like, fuck it. Take it if you want, I don\u2019t care anymore. Maybe it\u2019s not serving me well anyways. I don\u2019t know. I honestly can\u2019t tell up from down, sideways from backwards. I\u2019m just floating along. The only thing that I can say with any certainty is that PHP isn\u2019t going to work. I\u2019m going to quit or get sent back up or transferred somewhere else. It\u2019s gross. I\u2019m not all that introspective at this point. The biggest part of me just wants to walk away. I know the people in my life will be enablers, I\u2019m certain of it. They don\u2019t understand eating disorders any more than I did when I got here. And it\u2019s not for lack of trying, but they just don\u2019t get it. I\u2019m lost and I don\u2019t know which direction I want to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can\u2019t tell if it\u2019s the clonazepam actually working or what, but I\u2019m really sleepy. They won\u2019t let me skip lunch most likely and that\u2019s ok. I want to sit with my friends, I just don\u2019t want to eat anything. I\u2019ll drink the water and maybe eat the vegetables, I guess. I haven\u2019t even been finishing those lately. I wonder if I\u2019ve lost weight, I\u2019m definitely keeping the calories to a minimum, maybe even less than when I got here. It\u2019s not like I\u2019m walking death at this point. I still look healthy and feel mostly ok. There\u2019s a little bit of dizziness, but mostly I feel just fine. I don\u2019t want to make myself too sick. So I nibble and get some calories in at every meal, just not the meal plan that Courtney has for me. Fuck that. I\u2019m not going to do it. There\u2019s nothing she\u2019s going to say to convince me. Nothing Dr. Parsley can say to convince me. I just don\u2019t trust them at all. Even when Parsley isn\u2019t talking to me in a condescending tone, I just don\u2019t care about what he has to say. Do I even have an eating disorder? I don\u2019t know. Sometimes I just think this is all bullshit made up by doctors to rake in mountains of cash from insurance companies. It\u2019s grotesque if that\u2019s the case. Are any of us really sick? Is anorexia even real? Even if it\u2019s real, can it really be diagnosed? I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m skeptical. And I\u2019m definitely skeptical of the therapy side of things. I\u2019ve slowly lost faith in that over the last few months. I\u2019m in my bed and I just want to nap. I feel like a nap would be more beneficial than a meal. Maybe an energy drink, then a nap. That sounds pretty fucking good right now. When I finally am allowed to walk over and get my meds, I\u2019m drinking 2 redbulls right away. Maybe 3. I\u2019m just going to slam them. Fuck it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ahhh, yes\u2026 it has begun. The slow and steady decline of the day. I can feel it, the energy starts to sink, the vibes start to lessen. The excitement and thrill of the morning dissipates and everyone starts to drag. I just need to get through lunch and then I get to see Brandon. That will be nice. I\u2019m feeling woozy and a little dizzy now. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve had 300 calories today and I bet my weight has dropped this week. If not, it should have. I think my blood sugar might not be that great right now. But it could be clonazepam, too. I don\u2019t know. It could be a lot of things I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The anorexic\u2019s brain is a strange thing. I just had lunch and I was supposed to eat a quesadilla, 3 triangles to be exact. I ate 1 \u00bd and I somehow felt accomplished, not ashamed. \u201cDo you get euphoria from restricting?\u201d asked Courtney on Thursday or Friday, whenever we met. Maybe. I don\u2019t know what I get from it. I feel numb and it gives me a goal to set for myself. I was setting healthy goals and then my team decided those weren\u2019t fast enough, so that set goals for me that I don\u2019t like and don\u2019t agree with. They kept increasing my mealplan, saying they want my weight to trend up, despite the fact that my weight was going up, slowly. I was ok with slowly, controllable. Maybe 1 lb a week or something. But that wasn\u2019t enough for them, it had to be faster. It had to be faster, more food, more calories, more volume. Giant fucking plates of slop that I hate. Thicker milkshakes with more ingredients. More ingredients in my parfait, likely some kind of fucking fat or protein powder. All the while, I\u2019m kept completely in the dark on what these changes actually mean, what my actual weight is. All I know is that my team and I have radically different goals. And they\u2019re placating me, allowing me to think that I have some say, but the reality is they are going to try and continue to push 150 lbs. They think they can walk me into a weight that I\u2019m not comfortable with and that\u2019s fucked up. I\u2019ve seen this before, with Juniper. They try and do stepping stones to get you comfortable with the idea of something you are not comfortable with at all. So, I\u2019m revolting. I\u2019m rejecting their plan. My goal is no longer weight gain at all, but weight loss. I\u2019ve said this before, I think, but I\u2019m not going to agree to any fucking meal plan that isn\u2019t a goal weight below 135. BELOW. It has to be on record that this is their recommendation. Otherwise, I don\u2019t know if I want to continue this at all. I don\u2019t like my team and I don\u2019t trust them. I don\u2019t believe them. I think they talk down to me, whether intentional or not, they do. It\u2019s infuriating really. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And now, I know they\u2019ve come up with some ridiculous plot to get me to PHP. Then what? I\u2019m just going to start eating again because I get more freedom. No. I\u2019m going to sneak around and get energy drinks and load up on those. I\u2019m going to get my adderall from the house. I\u2019m going to skip HS snack every fucking night and I\u2019m going to refuse to cook on the weekend. I\u2019m going to restrict my meals at PHP and I\u2019m going to try and lose all the weight I\u2019ve gained since being here. Recovery, what does it mean anyways? Accepting things that you believe are wrong or counter to your goals. Claiming a body that makes you want to puke when you see it? No! I don\u2019t even know what anorexia means. Does it mean that I\u2019m selective about what I put in my body? Does it mean I\u2019m careful with my calories and that I run a calorie deficit most days. Yes. Does it mean that I\u2019m rail thin and sexy to boys? Yes, yes it does. And those effects are what got me here. Clearly I\u2019m not working well with this team. Why wouldn\u2019t they just let me switch teams? It\u2019s weird. Why wouldn\u2019t they let me just try a different group of people. A new therapist and dietician especially. Alina and Courtney just aren\u2019t cutting it for me. I don\u2019t trust them. I don\u2019t trust any of them. I don\u2019t trust their plan. I feel like they are plotting against me and going to try and somehow trick me. It\u2019s weird. The whole thing is weird. I feel like the only way to get their attention is to starve myself until my bloodwork looks bad enough that they will actually start working with me and taking me seriously. What does, \u201cMost of your work needs to be done in PHP,\u201d even mean. \u201cYou can nourish yourself,\u201d says Courtney. No! I chose not to nourish myself. I\u2019m going to shut down my stomach and digestive system much better this time around. Fuck this. Fuck recovery. I hate recovery. I hate it. I hate everything about this. I am defiant. I am rebelling against this team of phonies that are trying to manipulate and control me and my behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Peers are always saying stuff like, \u201cI\u2019m going to have a good rounds with my team.\u201d Bullshit. They are going to try and talk you into stuff that you are opposed to and if you don\u2019t resist ferociously then they are going to push you into it. It\u2019s never a good rounds. It\u2019s always shady as fuck. The whole thing. The whole thing is shady as fuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a nice visit with Brandon and I\u2019m pretty sure my mini skirt was a smashing success based on the way he was behaving, which I didn\u2019t discourage. Frankly, I enjoyed it, although I\u2019m pretty sure I looked like I had hair coming out of there. I can\u2019t tell if I look ridiculous. Ugh. The whole confidence thing\u2026 it should be at its highest point right now. I just spent an hour with someone that absolutely adores me. I do wonder if there were little spies looking in the room. If so, they got a free show, although we kept it PG-13. But just saying\u2026 Oh boy\u2026 and Katerina in the room next door with her boyfriend. It was cute. She wanted the room with the windows, so I didn\u2019t complain at all. It\u2019s the first time they\u2019ve given me one of the big rooms, so I was pretty happy with that. I don\u2019t know what he does to me, but my whole body is buzzing and tingling now. It\u2019s those neck kisses and down the side of my face. It\u2019s almost too much, but it\u2019s pretty fucking great. I can\u2019t wait to get out of here to see him without anyone watching. Geez. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s movie time, I’m not feeling it. I\u2019m going to head to my sleepy spot by nursing if no one gets there first and listen to music and sleep. It\u2019s going to be glorious, oh and take some hydroxyzine top boot. It should be just enough to get me into a cozy lul, exactly what I\u2019m looking for, let\u2019s check it out. Oh\u2026 I need to get my grey hoodie out of my room so I can hide underneath it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dinner. Who needs it? It was that weird pesto ravioli and it\u2019s just\u2026 not good. Now I guess I\u2019ll hang at the med line party so I can try to get my meds before midnight. I took a glorious nap for the last group since it was movie day and it was nice, but not nearly long enough. I only had to sit through one group today, which was really nice, because the second group I had a visitor, Brandon, obviously. I get such weird vibes sometimes from everyone, but it\u2019s all in my head. Tomorrow, I\u2019m wearing all black in the morning of my last day here and my new life across the street for the next 8-12 weeks. I\u2019m guessing it\u2019s going to be more like 12ish for me. I don\u2019t see myself being done with this place in 2 months. Actually, I really don\u2019t think they\u2019ll keep me there for very long, I\u2019ll end up back here, but on a different unit or I\u2019ll end up at ACUTE and then back here on a different unit. Ugh\u2026 But we shall see. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What am I feeling? Anxious and tired. Why? Because I hate big changes and they are emotionally exhausting, too. And that shit makes my whole body just feel drained. And I just want the day to be over so I can take my sleep meds and go to bed. That\u2019s it. I just want to go to bed. I\u2019m debating calling juniper back, because I had to hang up so quickly because they called a group. I feel so shallow when I give my Rose, Bud, and Thorn sometimes. But my dinner question answer was pretty funny. \u201cWhat would be your superpower and why?\u201d, I said, \u201cshapeshifter, I\u2019d save a fortune on plastic surgery.\u201d I feel like I have to answer the dinner questions ahead of time tomorrow, so I can come up with some really clever answers. I like doing dinner questions, but only if I have really good answers. Ugh. Why do things that I like and love always have to change? Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It makes me want to cry, like a lot. I want to work on my cards for everyone tonight and tomorrow. It won\u2019t be as fancy as what Polly did, but I just want to say some kind and encouraging words to everyone. I feel like I\u2019ve let them all down by not eating the last week, but that\u2019s not about them, that\u2019s about my own journey and I bet it\u2019s about to get wild. It wouldn\u2019t be life if it wasn\u2019t wild. I do want to get home to Juniper and start rebuilding my life, I\u2019m not starting from zero this time, I\u2019m building with a solid foundation and it\u2019s going to be a nice life, with or without this eating disorder business, I\u2019m going to make it a nice life for me and for juniper. We deserve it. I love my kid, she\u2019s a superstar and I miss her every second of every day. I am her Mom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Danielle told me that I was going to take over the role of Mom when I transitioned and I denied it, I\u2019ll always be \u201cDad\u201d to Juniper. But the fact of the matter is that I\u2019ve always fulfilled the role of Mom, even if she calls me Dad. I\u2019m both for her and I\u2019m proud of that. I can nurture and protect and provide. I\u2019m good at the three and I\u2019m strong enough to do all three. I will continue my mission to give Juniper every possible opportunity that I can and work as hard as I can to do that. I love being her Mom (and Dad), and I\u2019m so proud of her and her accomplishments thus far. We are aiming for stars, Juniper, and one day we\u2019ll get there, I promise. We just have to keep trying, keep believing and never, ever, ever, give up. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I woke up nervous this morning and my stomach was rumbling a little bit. I even dreamed of food last night. My body is still adjusting to my restriction diet. Okay, that sounds really bad, I know. Ahhhhhhh\u2026 it\u2019s that fucking tug-of-war in my brain. I want to eat normally today and start back making […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=60"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":62,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60\/revisions\/62"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=60"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=60"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=60"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}