{"id":58,"date":"2026-05-30T02:43:57","date_gmt":"2026-05-30T02:43:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/?p=58"},"modified":"2026-05-30T02:43:57","modified_gmt":"2026-05-30T02:43:57","slug":"friday-may-29-2026","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/?p=58","title":{"rendered":"Friday, May 29, 2026"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Last night I dreamed about coffee.&nbsp; Cup after cup of coffee.&nbsp; And Cathie Dodd, my mother\u2019s friend that died 10 years ago.&nbsp; Cathie kept trying to talk to me, but it came out as gibberish.&nbsp; But I got the sense that she was telling me not to be ashamed.&nbsp; It was a strange dream.&nbsp; But my mother was there along with one of my favorite cousins, Jennifer.&nbsp; It was strange.&nbsp; And forgot until we started talking about it in Splataaah this morning, but there was a fire alarm in the middle of the night.&nbsp; Heath came into my room and woke me up, otherwise I would have slept through the whole thing.&nbsp; It was surreal, dreamlike and I barely remember stumbling down the hall and then nearly falling asleep, leaning against the wall.&nbsp; It was so strange.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The morning went well, so I don\u2019t want to sound all depressing or anything.&nbsp; I got my shower and morning activities done efficiently. I skipped weight, because the nurse was late as fuck getting in there and I wasn\u2019t about to get undressed again just for weight. They\u2019ll get it tomorrow anyways, so who cares.&nbsp; Morning meds &#8211; check.&nbsp; And went to breakfast like normal, but I didn\u2019t eat very much.&nbsp; I just don\u2019t have much appetite right now.&nbsp; Maybe it\u2019s the nervous energy around leaving here on Monday, maybe it\u2019s \u201cher\u201d in my head, speaking very boldly, but the thought of eating has become repulsive again.&nbsp; I had raisin bran for breakfast, it was a huge bowl and I ate less than half.&nbsp; I ate maybe half of my apples and a few bites of yogurt.&nbsp; Weird.&nbsp; I normally enjoy breakfast, but this morning it just felt like too much.&nbsp; I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m doing.&nbsp; Why am I restricting like this?&nbsp; What purpose does it serve me?&nbsp; None.&nbsp; Really, none.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to get sick or stay sick.&nbsp; At this point there is zero chance that I\u2019m going to be on this unit.&nbsp; If anything, they are going to stick me on another unit, probably 2E, which would really suck.&nbsp; It\u2019s freezing over there all the time and I only know one person, or maybe two.&nbsp; Anyways, that\u2019s not likely to happen, I\u2019m going to PHP.&nbsp; But therein lies the dilemma, what\u2019s the point of doing well with meals if it doesn\u2019t matter how much or little I eat.&nbsp; And, I\u2019m giving them reasons to take away Vyvanse and make PHP harder for me.&nbsp; The restricting isn\u2019t about PHP though.&nbsp; It\u2019s really not, I swear.&nbsp; It\u2019s really more about just rejecting the idea of recovery, which is stupid.&nbsp; That doesn\u2019t serve me either.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Well shit, I was going to write something here, but Alina came and grabbed me to go walk around PHP.&nbsp; It was so overwhelming!&nbsp; It\u2019s right across the street from this building and it\u2019s so&nbsp; big and there\u2019s lots of freedom to move about and to check out to go to appointments and things.&nbsp; There were so many boards with schedules and doors to different offices.&nbsp; The Phase I cafe was huge with a buffet looking thing at the end of it.&nbsp; All the phases are divided into different cafes.&nbsp; The only one I got to see was Phase I. &nbsp; And I saw my friend Christina.&nbsp; She gave me a big hug.&nbsp; I know I\u2019ll be welcomed over there when I get there, which is at least a tiny, tiny bit comforting.&nbsp; I\u2019m so overwhelmed, I don\u2019t want to go.&nbsp; I\u2019m committed, but I don\u2019t want to do it.&nbsp; \u201cAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!\u201d&nbsp; In my head, I\u2019m screaming at the top of my lungs.&nbsp; I\u2019m so scared.&nbsp; Change is so scary and I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019m going to handle it.&nbsp; It still feels like I\u2019m headed head on collision into a train.&nbsp; I\u2019m not happy to be leaving, but I accept that this is happening.&nbsp; There\u2019s no holding me back here any longer.&nbsp; I\u2019m so sad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I couldn\u2019t get out of group fast enough this morning.&nbsp; I just don\u2019t like being in the group room at all right now.&nbsp; The groups are hard and hurt my feelings.&nbsp; Maybe that means they are working, I don\u2019t know.&nbsp; But I\u2019m super anxious today, worse than the past few days.&nbsp; I\u2019d say 8\/10 or 9\/10 at least.&nbsp; And I don\u2019t know what to do with all that nervous, anxious energy.&nbsp; It\u2019s weird that I didn\u2019t get up and journal early this morning though.&nbsp; I wasn\u2019t angry when I got out of bed, just kind of groggy, even though I slept through most of the night and my dreams weren\u2019t that bad.&nbsp; I want to have a good day and focus on things that will enhance my life.&nbsp; I think this journal is part of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I know I said I\u2019d rather focus on writing versus stylizing the blog, but I might do a little bit of cleanup on it.&nbsp; I could find a cute and unique theme and add a few more pictures.&nbsp; I also need to scan in the written blog pages and add those.&nbsp; There\u2019s a lot of really interesting content in there.&nbsp; Also, google deindexed my site pending what looks like a manual review.&nbsp; So much content on the web these days is fake, AI slop.&nbsp; I\u2019m not sure how they\u2019re going to grade me, but I can tell anyone who\u2019s read this, it\u2019s real.&nbsp; I wrote every word in google docs and can post the edit history if they really want to see it.&nbsp; I just think it\u2019s interesting, the whole google thing that is.&nbsp; For years I worked as a marketer trying to game the system, be it with SEO or shady advertising, so this is a new challenge for me.&nbsp; Create a site that is 100% unique.&nbsp; Keep it relatively simple and make it mostly about the written content with a few images to support the fact that I\u2019m a real person and use very few plugins or tools.&nbsp; And stay far away from any SEO work.&nbsp; I\u2019m just going to let the content do its thing.&nbsp; If someone out there does end up reading this, awesome, but my goal is just to write.&nbsp; So far I\u2019ve written 217 pages, single space, 11 point font, in google docs.&nbsp; That\u2019s 140K+ words.&nbsp; If I am being manually reviewed, that\u2019s a lot of reading for a human to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wish I could post more pictures of my friends here, but that\u2019s definitely against hospital rules.&nbsp; We\u2019re technically only allowed to take pictures of ourselves, although I\u2019m going to get some images of the unit, like the cafe, the telephone room, Splataaah and the milieu.&nbsp; Just things that will remind me of where I was when I\u2019m gone.&nbsp; Anusha said ERC will be a flash in my memory, but I don\u2019t want to forget everything, it\u2019s been such a strange journey.&nbsp; I want to remember faces and names.&nbsp; I want to remember the strict schedule and how when I first got here the rules seemed so rigid, but as time has gone on the schedule has become so comfortable.&nbsp; I want to remember my single person room where I\u2019ve slept for 75 nights and the pictures I put up on the window sill to keep me company and remind me of Juniper, my \u201cwhy.\u201d&nbsp; I want to remember dinner questions and the games that we play in the cafe.&nbsp; I want to remember my daily intentions and the silly card that has a sun and a moon on it.&nbsp; I want to remember the questions those cards ask and how the evening intentions don\u2019t make as much sense.&nbsp; I want to remember rose, bud, thorn and how the first few days when I was here how I was scared to death to say anything.&nbsp; I want to remember, \u201cstart on the outside, That\u2019s a wrap.\u201d But most importantly I want to remember the support that I\u2019ve gotten as I go through one of the toughest times in my life.&nbsp; I want to remember how Polly would ask me how I was doing every day when they were here.&nbsp; I want to remember the dance party in the hallway with the nurses and Megan, who rarely came out of her room, laughing and smiling.&nbsp; I want to remember how the girls sang and danced in her doorway when she was quarantined.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One thing that I\u2019ve learned is that I want more people in my life.&nbsp; More people means more experiences and that excites me.&nbsp; More people means more conversations and more stories that need to be told.&nbsp; It means remembering that I am loved and I can love.&nbsp; It means that Miriam was right,&nbsp; I am more than my relationship with Danielle Gauthier, my abuser.&nbsp; More people means I\u2019m able to help my friends on days when they need it and I can lean on them on the days that I need it.&nbsp; Annie, my outpatient therapist, was 100% right, I need to build my network.&nbsp; I hope that I can start with some of the people here and build from there.&nbsp; Also, Brandon has a lot of people that he wants to introduce me to and I\u2019m excited about that.&nbsp; (Hmm\u2026 I wonder how he did with his dance competition this week, DDR competition, he\u2019s one of the top 20 in the state!)&nbsp; Betty and I will be friends, I love her.&nbsp; She\u2019s like my big sister that I always wanted and she\u2019s an awesome person, albeit a bit grumpy sometimes, but who isn\u2019t.&nbsp; Oh&nbsp; and I was right, today, no one remembers how cranky she was the other night about meds. All is forgiven and they all chalked it up, \u201cThat\u2019s just Betty.\u201d&nbsp; They love her and I do, too.&nbsp; I love being surrounded by people that love and accept me just as I am.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On the card that Sarah made for me (see photo), she said, \u201cYou deserve and are worthy of love from others and yourself.\u201d&nbsp; That\u2019s such an impactful statement, and it means so much more when it comes from someone else.&nbsp; I can say it to myself over and over, but when someone else acknowledges those things, sees those things in me, it\u2019s so much more believable.&nbsp; Sarah is super cool, too.&nbsp; She\u2019s from Austin and is one of the nicest people here.&nbsp; And has the cutest shoes.&nbsp; Sarah is the type of person I want in my life, trustworthy, authentic, kind, forgiving and loves to wear mary janes as much as me.&nbsp; She drew a picture of me and juniper and in the picture, I\u2019m wearing the frilly dress that I wore last Sunday.&nbsp; It\u2019s darling.&nbsp; And juniper is wearing one to match.&nbsp; She didn\u2019t see, but it made me cry a little bit.&nbsp; She drew a picture because they told us we could only have index card size pictures in the cafe and all my juniper pictures are too big.&nbsp; (Geez, I want to cry right now, but I got damn close to getting my eye makeup right this morning and I don\u2019t want to screw it up.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Yesterday or the day before, I was wearing a dress and Betty told me I was, \u201cPerfect, so uniquely CLAIRE.\u201d&nbsp; Okay, she gets a pass for calling me Claire, but she\u2019s the only one.&nbsp; Everyone else that refuse to pronounce the final A in clarA gets torture.&nbsp; She\u2019s legit a real person and I adore her.&nbsp; She\u2019s so perfectly unique, \u201cBetty.\u201d&nbsp; I hope she ends up in PHP with me, if I end up going.&nbsp; That would be too awesome.&nbsp; And I really want Polly to be in my pod at PHP.&nbsp; Then I can wear my princess skirts and silly clothes and not feel weird. &nbsp; I\u2019ve got to pee again, this will be the fifth time today, fuck!&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What to do when the clonazepam doesn\u2019t work anymore?&nbsp; I\u2019m such a wreck today, especially after that stupid tour.&nbsp; I should be excited, but\u2026&nbsp; I just don\u2019t want to\u2026 but let\u2019s keep that between us, ok?&nbsp; I want to skip group and nap, but apparently in community they brought up that people were skipping or leaving the group\u2026 yeh, that\u2019s me.&nbsp; I\u2019ve been late to every fucking meal, too.&nbsp; I just want to write and not be distracted by whatever the group is.&nbsp; I feel comfortable with music and writing.&nbsp; Anything else makes me fucking anxious.&nbsp; I\u2019m listening to Lorde Melodrama again, on repeat.&nbsp; It\u2019s soothing.&nbsp; It\u2019s her voice and the hopeful sadness.&nbsp; She wants to love this person, but they can\u2019t find each other anymore.&nbsp; She\u2019s too much for them.&nbsp; She knows she has to do life on her own, without her love.&nbsp; That\u2019s just so familiar and when we\u2019re in pain, we bond with others experiencing the same thing.&nbsp; It\u2019s why we do groups here, so we can hear each other\u2019s stories and shared experiences.&nbsp; Ugh\u2026 group\u2026 and I love David, he\u2019s hilarious and he\u2019s so fucking genuine.&nbsp; But his groups feel like going through a meat grinder.&nbsp; I come out mush, with my brains all spliced up and stitched back together.&nbsp; I want to run out, but opposite action and all.&nbsp; So, I\u2019m going to listen to music and try to ignore the group, but just sit here with discomfort.&nbsp; And I\u2019ll write and listen to Lorde and I\u2019ll scream in my head\u2026 AHAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,\u201d if I let it out for real, people might assume that I was dying, because sitting here makes me feel like my body is dying.&nbsp; I can feel the effects of not eating for the past several days. Whenever I stand up, I get a little dizzy and feel kind of sick.&nbsp; It\u2019s fine, I\u2019ll get accustomed to it before too long.&nbsp; It\u2019s just an adjustment.&nbsp; It\u2019s harder to maintain since I don\u2019t have 250 calorie shakes that I can carefully consume to avoid making myself sick or passing out.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know how much I\u2019ve consumed today.&nbsp; We\u2019re talking about guilt today. I even voted for it today, but I don\u2019t want to do it, I want to run away.&nbsp; Rose went to the hallway to take a nap and Katerina is lying down with a blanket completely covering her, head to toe.&nbsp; I need to try and sit through this though.&nbsp; I need to endure the discomfort and try to participate.&nbsp; But I don\u2019t want to, it hurts to participate right now.&nbsp; Others have bailed on the group, too.&nbsp; They may have been pulled by staff, but I think some are just ditching, which\u2026 no judgement.&nbsp; My napping spot by the nurses station is a popular napping spot.&nbsp; I\u2019ve caught Priscilla and Belle both sleeping there in the last few days.&nbsp; It\u2019s a good spot, except it&#8217;s really cold.&nbsp; Otherwise, it\u2019s ultra comfortable.&nbsp; I may head there after the group, until rooms open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Struggles are the same every day, they don\u2019t feel easier, I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m growing or changing.&nbsp; I\u2019m just consuming more and more information, filling my brain from front to back with ideas of what I should be thinking or how I can change my thinking or reasons to change my thinking.&nbsp; But I don\u2019t feel compelled, like at all.&nbsp; Did I mention that I feel indifferent with recovery.&nbsp; I\u2019m not broken.&nbsp; Yeah, right, prove it.&nbsp; I want to avoid all things recovery, especially food.&nbsp; Food feels gross again today.&nbsp; I want nothing to do with it.&nbsp; I can eat, I just chose not to though.&nbsp; I guess that\u2019s why they think PHP is somehow going to do something miraculous for me.&nbsp; Ohh the dread.&nbsp; The oncoming lights of the train headed for my stalled car on the tracks.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How am I feeling?&nbsp; Tired.&nbsp; Why?&nbsp; I think treatment fatigue, dissatisfaction with my treatment plan, worry.&nbsp; I\u2019m supposed to put down my computer, but that means focusing on the group and participating.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to participate, like at all.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to feel these feelings.&nbsp; Willingness&nbsp; to process today, 2\/10 and I don\u2019t think it\u2019s going up today.&nbsp; I wish someone would come and pull me, but it\u2019s not happening.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney waited until the end of the group, of course, to grab me.&nbsp; Conversation went as such:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; So you went on your tour of PHP?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; yeh<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; So what did you think?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me: Overwhelming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; How\u2019s the eating going?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; Could be better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney: Yeh.&nbsp; Do you have any goals around nutrition for the weekend?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; No, not really<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Does the restriction give you a euphoric feeling?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; Yes and numbing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Yeh, that makes sense and you need nutrition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me: \u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Do you need anything from me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; No, not really.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; It seems like you have a lot of thoughts about continuing on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me: Yeh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Well we want to know those thoughts, when you\u2019re ready.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; Yeh, ok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Okay.&nbsp; Well let me know if there\u2019s anything I can do over the weekend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me: ****leave me the fuck alone.&nbsp; Stop trying to force this.&nbsp; Let me set my own pace**** Okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Courtney:&nbsp; Okay, well have a good weekend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Me:&nbsp; Okay, you, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ultra shallow, short answers and not giving her any information really.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want clarification about anything.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to do this any more.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want recovery anymore.&nbsp; I just want to quit and go home.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to skip lunch and go to PM snack to sit with my friends.&nbsp; But I don\u2019t want the pressure of lunch, of feeling like I have to eat anything.&nbsp; I just want to starve myself, again.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want PHP.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want recovery.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want your meal plan.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to eat.&nbsp; I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.&nbsp; The day they started to push me to PHP is the day I gave up.&nbsp; It\u2019s just too much for me.&nbsp; I\u2019m excited to see Polly and Christina, but otherwise, I don\u2019t want to go, at all.&nbsp; I hate it.&nbsp; I hate it so much.&nbsp; It\u2019s too much all at once and I don\u2019t want to do it.&nbsp; I\u2019ve been feeling dizzy and I may collapse before the weekend is over.&nbsp; Then what? Acute, then back to inpatient this time.&nbsp; Will I still have the same stupid fucking team that I hate?&nbsp; I feel so just clusterfucked right now.&nbsp; I feel chaos in my head and the room is spinning and I question what I have been doing for two plus months.&nbsp; Has it made any sort of dent in the eating disorder?&nbsp; I\u2019m just\u2026 indifferent.&nbsp; And I guess I feel a little bit of betrayal by my team.&nbsp; I know they think they\u2019re doing what\u2019s best for me and they have their reasons, but I don\u2019t like their plan and I don\u2019t want to be part of it.&nbsp; And I like restricting.&nbsp; Yes, it gives me euphoria to use ED behaviors to avoid meals.&nbsp; Yes, it gives me euphoria to not complete any fucking meal.&nbsp; Yes, it gives me euphoria to know that I\u2019m probably losing weight now.&nbsp; I want to see Clara in the mirror, not [deadname] and what they are asking me to do is resurrect [deadname].&nbsp; It\u2019s gross and gives me the ick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">She\u2019s right, the ED voice, I want to let her take me.&nbsp; Take my heart, soul and body.&nbsp; Drive me underground into a pit and cover me up to my nose.&nbsp; Let me fucking die.&nbsp; Slowly and surely, just let me go.&nbsp; That&#8217;s what Danielle Gauthier wants.&nbsp; She wants me dead, so she doesn\u2019t have to put up with me anymore.&nbsp; Maybe not physically dead, but dead to her, a memory that she can let fade.&nbsp; I\u2019m just a forgotten thought now and it\u2019s too much.&nbsp; But she, the ED, will take care of that and I won\u2019t have to be concerned with Danielle Gauthier anymore.&nbsp; I\u2019ll go to sleep feeling fine and not wake up.&nbsp; No, Courtney, I don\u2019t want or need nutrition.&nbsp; I would need nutrition is my plan was survival, but it\u2019s not.&nbsp; It\u2019s giving up.&nbsp; It\u2019s saying that this is bigger than me and accepting all the help in the world isn\u2019t going to bring me back from this deep, dark pit of despair.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want it to, I want it to let me go.&nbsp; I want to be accountable to no one, but myself.&nbsp; I want to cry and sit in the well and just be.&nbsp; Grey.&nbsp; Not good. Not bad.&nbsp; Just am.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to leave my home here, it\u2019s where I have people that care.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to start over at PHP.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to step down.&nbsp; It\u2019s too much freedom, too much\u2026 just too much.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to go outside everyday.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to touch grass.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to see the sunshine and hear the birds chirping their melodies.&nbsp; I want to sit at the bottom of the well and let it fill up and drown.&nbsp; Don\u2019t mistake this for active SI, it\u2019s not.&nbsp; It\u2019s just accepting that I won\u2019t be able to crawl out of this hole any longer.&nbsp; I fought and I fought hard.&nbsp; But it was all white knuckling it, not wanting it. It was all holding medications above my head or threatening to increase the meal plan.&nbsp; No.&nbsp; I\u2019m decreasing the meal plan.&nbsp; And I know these are professionals and they have sort of Ace up their sleeve that they think is going to turn around this recovery thing for me, but it\u2019s not.&nbsp; They underestimate me, just everyone else in life always fucking has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m skipping lunch and opting for a nap.&nbsp; Skipping meals seems to freak Courtney out the most, so that\u2019s what I need to do the most today and over the weekend. &nbsp; Let\u2019s see if we can make them squirm at least.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to be part of this process anymore.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to go to groups, I want to sulk in my room and sleep.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to eat.&nbsp; I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.&nbsp; Yes, it\u2019s numbing.&nbsp; Yes, it\u2019s maladaptive.&nbsp; No, I don\u2019t care.&nbsp; I\u2019m indifferent.&nbsp; I want to walk out right now and just forget this whole mess.&nbsp; I want to pretend like I don\u2019t exist her anymore, because come Monday, I want to cry furious tears, over fucking flowing eyeballs.&nbsp; I just want to be able to write and be left the fuck alone.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Also, I want to smoke some weed.&nbsp; Like a lot of it. All of it.&nbsp; I want to smoke so much fucking weed, drink shake, play guitar, fantasize about being skinny and fragile and delicate.&nbsp; Fantisize about getting fucked.&nbsp; Fantasize about being irresistible.&nbsp; I want to sleep dreamless sleep.&nbsp; I want to feel comfortable and calm.&nbsp; I want to be warm.&nbsp; I want to hide.&nbsp; I want to hide away and not come out.&nbsp; I want to skip the rest of David\u2019s groups.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to participate, if I can\u2019t write while I\u2019m in group, I don\u2019t want to participate.&nbsp; I\u2019ll tell him as much.&nbsp; That was so fucking rude. And it\u2019s not like he made people journalling by hand put down their notebooks.&nbsp; What an ass.&nbsp; Fuck you David.&nbsp; You\u2019re weird anyways.&nbsp; Fuck you and your stupid fucking groups.&nbsp; I\u2019m done with groups.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I slept through lunch and process and I\u201dm pretty happy about my choice.&nbsp; Fuck lunch and especially process.&nbsp; A lot of people like process, but I kind of hate it.&nbsp; Too many rules about what you can and can\u2019t talk about makes the whole thing kind of a waste of time.&nbsp; A lot of the time, I just fall asleep in community and process.&nbsp; It\u2019s just what happens.&nbsp; And just being honest, I don\u2019t want to go to David\u2019s group, but at least it\u2019s outside.&nbsp; Fuck, I come back in and it\u2019s freezing ass cold and no one is going to let me in my room, especially because I skipped lunch.&nbsp; The nap, however, was very relaxing and I don\u2019t regret it a single bit.&nbsp; I\u2019ve done a pretty good job starving myself today and plan on continuing to work my way down to basically no food at all, just water.&nbsp; I wish I could just skip every meal, but everyone wants me to come for some reason.&nbsp; It\u2019s silly, but I\u2019m going to do it.&nbsp; Ever the crowd pleaser that I am.&nbsp; Anyways, headed over to my other napping spot outside of nursing. I\u2019m so boring and probably predictable.&nbsp; Fuck it.&nbsp; I\u2019m fine with that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m just feeling a bit emo, that\u2019s all.&nbsp; I\u2019m taking up a seat by the meds window.&nbsp; I just want to be around people.&nbsp; I\u2019m not going to know how to behave without so many people around all the time.&nbsp; It\u2019s weird.&nbsp; And everyone else here is excited and ready to go.&nbsp; I fucking hate going new places.&nbsp; It was nice to see Polly\u2019s hoodie, but no Polly.&nbsp; It\u2019s ok. I\u2019m intimidated.&nbsp; I admit.&nbsp; I can\u2019t find a quiet spot to chill today either, which doesn\u2019t help anything.&nbsp; And I\u2019m dreading dinner so fucking much.&nbsp; To just\u2026 sit and stare at my plate so I don\u2019t make anyone feel weird.&nbsp; Apparently they talked about that during community meeting, too.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I can\u2019t help that Rose is having a similar experience to me, mixed emotions about recovery.&nbsp; She\u2019s still trying and she\u2019s doing much better than I am.&nbsp; I don\u2019t get it, like how they choose when and where we go. Ugh.&nbsp; But yeh, she\u2019s missed a few meals, too, and they moved her to phase I.&nbsp; I almost feel like I\u2019m being punished for falling backwards. It\u2019s weird.&nbsp; I need to get over it.&nbsp; It\u2019s happening.&nbsp; This is fucking happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I feel emotionless right now.&nbsp; Why?&nbsp; I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s weird.&nbsp; Like I just feel like I\u2019m taking up space and oxygen and not serving any fucking purpose.&nbsp; I could probably slit my wrists tonight and bleed all over the carpet and walls and no one would notice or care.&nbsp; Step down will persist.&nbsp; Talk about persistence, these fuckers are persistant.&nbsp; And me, I\u2019m just sucking up valuable oxygen, consuming too much water and crashing out every hour or so.&nbsp; As a trans woman, change is scarier than average, IMHO.&nbsp; I feel like I have to earn acceptance from a whole new group of people and it\u2019s like completely starting over and I hate it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Okay, good news is Brandon is coming to see me tomorrow, so it\u2019s short skirt and sexy, cute shirt and no leggings.&nbsp; I think I\u2019m going to start my tenure at PHP by upping my Lulu game, I\u2019ll hit Priscilla up for suggestions.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know where to send that shit yet, however.&nbsp; It\u2019s weird.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to have to change all my online addresses and shit.&nbsp; Speaking of which, my fucking JoJo pants aren\u2019t arriving until tomorrow, which means I won\u2019t get them, maybe at all.&nbsp; I\u2019m pretty mad about the whole thing. I want to follow the trend with the cool elephant pants. &nbsp; I\u2019m all over the place tonight, maybe it\u2019s time to stop writing.&nbsp; Or maybe I should skip dinner and spend that entire time writing.&nbsp; What if my literal next stroke of genius is during dinner and deny myself the opportunity to write it.&nbsp; In case you hadn\u2019t guessed, this is just my ED speaking in her bargaining voice, \u201cany reason to skip a meal is a good reason,\u201d she whispers.&nbsp; It\u2019s a soft sweet tone and I tend to listen to that voice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was a nice dinner, my last one with Kiki (although I may see her Monday before I leave).&nbsp; We had dinner questions, &nbsp; \u201cWhat\u2019s your DJ name?\u201d and \u201cWhat\u2019s your superlative? \u201c&nbsp; DJ name is easy, Clearly Clara, that\u2019s my name on spotify, you should check out my playlists.&nbsp; For Superlative, it worked out great. I answered 3 times, the first one was, \u201cMost likely to answer dinner questions 4 times\u201d, \u201cMost likely to get a sideways glance\u201d, to which Priscilla responded, \u201cNot me.\u201d&nbsp; Of course not you, Priscilla.&nbsp; We\u2019re friends.&nbsp; But I swear to god, sometimes Ella looks at me like I\u2019m speaking in Russian.&nbsp; No hate, Ella, just sayin.&nbsp; Oh and my last one was just, \u201cWTF.\u201d&nbsp; Lol.&nbsp; I only answered 3 times so they would keep guessing me for all the other answers.&nbsp; Then Kiki went around the table and told us something that she liked about each of us.&nbsp; For me, it was my makeup?&nbsp; WTF?!?&nbsp; I don\u2019t even think my makeup is that great.&nbsp; I\u2019m always in a hurry to put it on, my eyeliner is almost always too thick.&nbsp; My eyeshadow isn\u2019t even.&nbsp; But thanks Kiki, you&#8217;re so real, girl.&nbsp; Then Lana was graduating high school today, so we all wrote down something that we like about her, anonymously.&nbsp; It was just a box full of compliments about her style, her kindness, her energy, her smile and how beautiful she is.&nbsp; Now they are doing a ceremony for her in the milieu.&nbsp; It\u2019s really sweet.&nbsp; Now they\u2019re having a dance party.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Also, kind of a tender moment when Priscilla started crying, I can only assume because her meal plan increase was A LOT.&nbsp; She went from something very small to this giant plate of rice and tofu.&nbsp; I get it, it\u2019s so scary, especially when you haven\u2019t been eating hardly anything.&nbsp; It\u2019s the reason most of my meals are write-ins and kind of bullshit.&nbsp; She was crying and I just told her, \u201cdon\u2019t be so hard on yourself, you\u2019re doing great.\u201d&nbsp; Katerina told her how strong she is and Maddie gave her a smile.&nbsp; Everyone works so hard here and it can feel really defeating when you don\u2019t meet a goal that you have for yourself, but you have to give yourself grace.&nbsp; You have to allow yourself to fail and keep going and you have to keep going.&nbsp; No matter what, you have to keep going.&nbsp; I think it helped, she was able to stop crying.&nbsp; I love Priscilla, if I could have a little sister, I would want it to be her, she\u2019s amazing.&nbsp; I do wish she hadn\u2019t moved seats in the group room until I left though, I liked sitting next to her.&nbsp; But it\u2019s ok, I understand.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I need to call the Bee and tell her goodnight and then get in line for meds.&nbsp; People start lining up really fucking early.&nbsp; The only reason I give a shit is because the buspar is supposed to be taken around the same time every night and if I go to the second med window, I\u2019ll be a few hours late.&nbsp; It just means the medication won\u2019t work as well and since that one is for anxiety, I need it to work.&nbsp; My anxiety is going to be pushed to the limit over the next few days.&nbsp; But first thing is first, I have to call Juniper every single night, it really hurts her feelings when I don\u2019t call.&nbsp; And out in the hallway they are talking about who is going to be here Monday, it makes me so sad.&nbsp; I\u2019m not ready to go.&nbsp; This is my little family and I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do without them.&nbsp; It hurts my feelings that they are talking about next week.&nbsp; For me there won\u2019t be a next week.&nbsp; I hate this.&nbsp; I hate it so much.&nbsp; I hate change and I don\u2019t want to change.&nbsp; I want to stay here with all my friends.&nbsp; I\u2019m so sad.&nbsp; I at least wish Rose was coming over to PHP with me.&nbsp; I think she\u2019ll be there in a week.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For the rest of the night, let\u2019s see:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/36dcea36-bd78-41ab-a0a8-f39daa84ca96\" alt=\"unchecked\">Call Jude<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/10e3276b-b3c3-48f1-9f23-dbb26dd2ae62\" alt=\"unchecked\">Get Meds<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/5dfc080b-1fca-4d87-8cca-b67c39472b41\" alt=\"unchecked\">HS Snack<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/31d5f172-01bf-4d73-a962-6e2215727640\" alt=\"unchecked\">Splataaah Party<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/87579489-1c88-41df-955c-921ae713fe5f\" alt=\"unchecked\">Crash out<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/4011dab6-310d-4586-b0f3-489d867d28dd\" alt=\"unchecked\">Probably cry a little bit.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/2fe72fcf-2fa1-4281-86ba-d02909590ccc\" alt=\"unchecked\">Oh and get some lulu advice from Priscilla<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To elaborate, I\u2019m going to try and restrict all of HS snack, because fuck snack.&nbsp; They\u2019ll give me Nilla wafers or chocolate chip cookies and those are two snacks that I have to really focus on not eating.&nbsp; I\u2019ve always been a sucker for sweets, as you all know very well.&nbsp; But I\u2019m getting better at resisting. &nbsp; I wonder what will happen this weekend if I don\u2019t eat anything or eat so little that it\u2019s dangerous. If I crash and have to go to the hospital, will I even come back here or will I go to another unit?&nbsp; I asked for a team change and they said no, so\u2026 what\u2026 are they going to send me to ED Cares.&nbsp; Yikes.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know anything about that one and I\u2019ll just refuse. &nbsp; It&#8217;s not like going to PHP, I&#8217;m going to jump right in and start eating.&nbsp; I plan to restrict there, too.&nbsp; I\u2019m just in full relapse mode and I don\u2019t even know if I want to go to PHP at all.&nbsp; I might just sign myself out and never come back.&nbsp; What the fuck are the going to do?&nbsp; Send police to my house?&nbsp; I\u2019m here and there voluntarily, no one makes medical decisions for me.&nbsp; Danielle Gauthier was the only person that could have influence over me and she doesn\u2019t care anymore.&nbsp; Good for her and fucking good for me, no one controls me.&nbsp; I just don\u2019t care.&nbsp; I know, I\u2019m a broken fucking record.&nbsp; But recovery just feels impossible for me, no matter who tells me or how much they say, \u201cyou\u2019re not broken,\u201d&nbsp; I feel broken and I think that\u2019s what counts right now, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m having so much fun writing here and this move might also affect my ability to write consistently like I have been doing.&nbsp; I think that\u2019s my new \u201cwhy.\u201d&nbsp; I want to write a book.&nbsp; I want to journal like crazy for this blog and then I want to take the best parts, or make a completely different project and write a book.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m good enough or if anyone is actually going to read anything I write, but who cares.&nbsp; I always thought it was so cool that my brother, Eric, wrote a fantasy novel when he was 19.&nbsp; He was hard headed and wouldn\u2019t make edits that his editors wanted him to make, so they only published it as an eBook.&nbsp; I, on the other hand, will definitely listen to editors, because I have no fucking clue what I\u2019m doing here.&nbsp; I\u2019m just shitting out thoughts as quickly as they hit me.&nbsp; Bonus points, when I eventually get out of here, I can write about Juniper and our life and Brandon and our life and just about being a single Mom of a very special child and survivor of abuse from an unlikely culprit.&nbsp; I want it to be known far and wide that Danielle Gauthier is an abuser, just like her father and just like her mother.&nbsp; She\u2019s a self-proclaimed bigot and I would be very surprised if she wasn\u2019t racist as fuck, too.&nbsp; She\u2019s a bad person and she says as much, over and over again.&nbsp; Oh, and she\u2019s always wanted to be a writer, but she\u2019s too shit scared to put out any work, afraid of rejection, so extra-super-double-bonus points if I get published.&nbsp; Fuck you Danielle Gauthier, you Canadian wanna be.&nbsp; Enjoy your fucking rockstar life.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to enjoy mine, too.&nbsp; And when I\u2019m successful, again, because I\u2019m a fucking winner, you\u2019re going to really be kicking yourself, but you won\u2019t see 1 penny of that shit.&nbsp; You stopped believing in me and threw me away like a piece of trash.&nbsp; So fuck you very much.&nbsp; Oh, and bitch, I\u2019m going to do it skinnier than you, prettier than you and with much, much better tits than you.&nbsp; Cheers, hooker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sorry about that, a little bit of a tangent, I do that sometimes.&nbsp; But no tears today, no crying for gaining control of my life back.&nbsp; No tears for escaping a violent and mentally abusive narcissist that abandoned her child.&nbsp; Nope.&nbsp; Not today, today I\u2019m going to be strong.&nbsp; Today, I\u2019m going to work on these new relationships that I\u2019m making with people that really love me for who I am.&nbsp; I don\u2019t have to go into the closet for them to still love me, Danielle Gauthier.&nbsp; I am Denver and I\u2019m proud of who I am and what I\u2019m becoming and so are the people that I\u2019m now choosing to surround myself with.&nbsp; I will never feel ashamed again.&nbsp; Let\u2019s say that again, bitch, I will never be shamed for who I am again.&nbsp; And I will never let someone that is supposed to love me be abusive and controlling like Danielle Gauthier is to everyone around her.&nbsp; And when she ends up killing her boyfriend in a fit of rage, I will testify at her trial that I barely made it out of this marriage alive and I\u2019m grateful every day that I am now safe.&nbsp; That juniper is now safe.&nbsp; That Colin is now safe.&nbsp; We don\u2019t need you and we\u2019re better off on our own.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Also, I\u2019m going to get my nails done every three weeks and full body wax from Josie, who FIRED DANIELLE GAUTHIER FOR SEXUALLY HARRASSING HER.&nbsp; True story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I called jude, I forgot and got in line for meds, which still hasn\u2019t moved, at all, but my Mom tried calling me and I felt guilty, so I got out of line and I don\u2019t know if I will get my position back.&nbsp; I know that Betty shamelessly stole my chair, so there\u2019s that.&nbsp; And Mom called me son.&nbsp; I wanted to punch her through the phone.&nbsp; Goddamn.&nbsp; Like just don\u2019t talk.&nbsp; Patience.&nbsp; Grace.&nbsp; But I\u2019m not even calling to talk to her and I then she just runs her mouth and won\u2019t let me just have a moment with Jude.&nbsp; I don\u2019t need her to answer for Juniper, Juniper and I understand each other perfectly fine.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m so irritated with her today, but she struck a nerve.&nbsp; It\u2019s the carelessness and casual BS nature of her mistake.&nbsp; I mean, fuck, Danielle hated my guts, but at least she used my name and pronouns right.&nbsp; My mom just can\u2019t seem to get it right.&nbsp; It\u2019s not good enough to pretend to see me as your daughter, you have to see me that way.&nbsp; Otherwise, I don\u2019t really want a relationship with you.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to have to constantly correct you.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to think you might be ashamed of me.&nbsp; God knows you haven\u2019t told anyone in your family (yours, not mine) and it\u2019s because you\u2019d be forced to defend me and you don\u2019t want to have to do that.&nbsp; Ugh.&nbsp; ****Slowdown.&nbsp; Take a few breaths.&nbsp; She\u2019s not perfect, but she\u2019s your mother that has tried very hard to be supportive.&nbsp; She deserves more grace.****&nbsp; She did correct herself, but it\u2019s just brutal when it happens every fucking time I talk to her. EVERY FUCKING TIME.&nbsp; It\u2019s hurtful and makes me not want to talk to her.&nbsp; And, \u201cwell you can just go get back in line.\u201d fucking bullshit.&nbsp; No bitch, when you get out of line, you lose your spot.&nbsp; Are you fucking stupid?&nbsp; Do you know how lines work?&nbsp; Fuck!&nbsp; It\u2019s so infuriating. I won\u2019t get my meds until 11pm tonight now, so i\u2019m going to feel like shit and be anxious as fuck.&nbsp; How do I give grace to someone that doesn\u2019t use common fucking sense? FUCK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m emotional today because I hate this weekend.&nbsp; I already hate it.&nbsp; It\u2019s the worst weekend that I\u2019ve had in months and I want to cry and isolate myself.&nbsp; And I definitely don\u2019t want to talk to my mother on the phone.&nbsp; It\u2019s like nails on a fucking chalkboard, her voice.&nbsp; The shit she says.&nbsp; It just grates my nerves to no end.&nbsp; I\u2019ve never liked talking to her that much.&nbsp; But I feel like I owe it to her and I certainly owe it to Juniper to talk to her every single day.&nbsp; She waits for my phone call all day long.&nbsp; I told Juniper I\u2019d try to call her in the morning, tomorrow, during room time.&nbsp; I need to set a reminder to do that so I don\u2019t forget.&nbsp; I know she\u2019ll be waiting for my call and I love Juniper with unlimited amounts of love.&nbsp; And so help me, if Juniper ever asked me to call her by another name or pronouns, I\u2019d tattoo that shit on my hand, so I wouldn\u2019t forget.&nbsp; This is her life we\u2019re talking about.&nbsp; This is her sanity.&nbsp; It\u2019s carelessness.&nbsp; That\u2019s something Danielle was right about, my Mom is so careless sometimes.&nbsp; But more than that, it\u2019s that she still sees me as \u201cson.\u201d&nbsp; FUCKING GROSS.&nbsp; It makes me want to fucking puke.&nbsp; It\u2019s not just a wrong name, it\u2019s that she doesn\u2019t see me.&nbsp; She\u2019s faking it, which in some ways is worse than just refusing to acknowledge it.&nbsp; I just want to take my meds and go to bed.&nbsp; I\u2019m grumpy and I\u2019m exhausted and my head is spinning.&nbsp; Boundaries.&nbsp; This is why we set and how we enforce boundaries.&nbsp; If she can\u2019t get it right, I am not obligated to stay on the phone with her.&nbsp; I don\u2019t need to be rude, but I need to end the call, because I need to calm down before I interact with her again.&nbsp; I forgive her.&nbsp; I\u2019m not angry, I\u2019m hurt.&nbsp; And I just need to let those emotions settle.&nbsp; I\u2019m sad, it just makes me sad when people I love don\u2019t see me.&nbsp; How is it that a group of strangers can see me and my own fucking mother can\u2019t.&nbsp; It\u2019s sad.&nbsp; It hurts.&nbsp; And now I want to crawl under the covers and hide until \u201cSplataaah.\u201d&nbsp; But it hurts their feelings when I don\u2019t come to cafe, so I\u2019m going to go.&nbsp; It\u2019s just a show of respect for everyone here that has been working so hard and wants me to sit with them and hangout while we all struggle with the battle of our brains.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They let me have my spot back in line.&nbsp; I got my meds and I\u2019m going to go to snack.&nbsp; Actually I need to open the door so I can hear when they go.&nbsp; They\u2019ve been forgetting to come get me, especially the night staff.&nbsp; It\u2019s Demetrius and someone new that I\u2019ve never seen before tonight.&nbsp; Demetrius is alright, he\u2019s from NYC and went to school out there. I forget how he got out here to Denver.&nbsp; He did call me \u201chey man\u201d once, but I can\u2019t let that slide.&nbsp; I mean, I say you guys to groups of girls all the time.&nbsp; And he only did it one time, so it\u2019s forgivable.&nbsp; Cora Sargent who has a podcast called Classroom Psychology (it\u2019s excellent and covers a really wide range of transgender topics from a scientific research perspective) says that she gives her family an unlimited pass on misgendering.&nbsp; I know, I know, I should take the same approach.&nbsp; It\u2019s not intentional or done out of disrespect when my mother does it.&nbsp; That doesn\u2019t mean that it doesn\u2019t hurt though, because it does.&nbsp; But I just have to accept that and be hurt and move on.&nbsp; No use in sitting around and pouting about it.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Fuck and here come the Danielle thoughts.&nbsp; The longing, the missing, the sadness.&nbsp; Why?&nbsp; Why do I get this every day?&nbsp; I\u2019m so angry with her.&nbsp; I\u2019m so disappointed that she didn\u2019t keep her vows, that she ran away, that she abandoned her daughter.&nbsp; I\u2019m so sad that she made up a fiction in her head and convinced herself it was true so that she would have an excuse to run away.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And now, there\u2019s this part of me that doesn\u2019t want to have another relationship with anyone.&nbsp; At least not romantically.&nbsp; I just don\u2019t feel lovable anymore.&nbsp; I just feel like I\u2019m going to end up with my heart broken again, so I want to push away people.&nbsp; I just feel like Brandon may not be the right person for a relationship right now.&nbsp; He\u2019s a great person and I like him a lot.&nbsp; And he loves to tell me he loves me, which I find cute and charming.&nbsp; He asked me if it was too soon to say that and I said no.&nbsp; It\u2019s not too soon for me to hear it.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know if I believe it.&nbsp; He doesn\u2019t really talk to me much during the week.&nbsp; He used to send me good morning texts every morning, but that\u2019s pretty much stopped.&nbsp; And we don\u2019t chat over text very much, but I can kind of excuse that\u2026 some people just don\u2019t text that much.&nbsp; When we get together we talk about lots of things.&nbsp; There\u2019s rarely an awkward silence.&nbsp; And he makes me feel so special when we\u2019re together, I just wish I could have more of him.&nbsp; Where is this relationship going to go?&nbsp; Was Danielle right about it, will I ever be enough for him?&nbsp; I don\u2019t know and these are things we\u2019re going to have to address at some point.&nbsp; But not tonight, tonight I\u2019m going to focus on him being here tomorrow and the time we\u2019ll spend together.&nbsp; Hopefully in the telephone room.&nbsp; I want to get a picture of us in the telephone room, so you can all appreciate why it\u2019s the best room for a BF to come visit you.&nbsp; It\u2019s the only room where snuggles are pretty much ensured.&nbsp; He\u2019s been kissing me a lot more lately, too.&nbsp; It\u2019s so cute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I got my meds before snack and I\u2019m not even 100% sure what all meds I take any more, but I know that most of my night time meds make me really sleep.&nbsp; Let\u2019s try and list them all, shall we?&nbsp; Lamotragine, Progesterone, Seroquil, Buspar, Melatonin, a vitamin supplement, Promethazine, Hydryzine and possibly others.&nbsp; So, needless to say, after about an hour, I\u2019m pretty much just stumbling to my bed.&nbsp; But I have a bedtime routine that I like to keep up, especially when I wear makeup.&nbsp; Plus, as mentioned previously, I like girl Splataah time.&nbsp; It\u2019s usually full of giggles and smiles.&nbsp; We\u2019re all so tired by then, but it\u2019s kind of the last community thing we do every night, so I don\u2019t want to miss it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I restricted most of my Nilla wafers at snack.&nbsp; I used the oldest eating disorder tricks in the book.&nbsp; Since we only get 15 minutes to finish, I do the following:&nbsp; Start by sipping on my water, I try to take a few sips every 30 seconds or so and burn at least 2-3 minutes doing that.&nbsp; Then I take my first nibble of a cookie.&nbsp; I alternate tiny little bites of my cookie and water until at least one minute after the halfway point.&nbsp; Then I start working on my tea.&nbsp; I add just a touch of milk to my apple cinnamon tea.&nbsp; If there\u2019s any water left, I go water, nibble, tea, nibble, etc and repeat that until I\u2019m out of tea and water .&nbsp; then it\u2019s tiny bites every 30 seconds or so.&nbsp; I should be down to the last few minutes after that and those are easy to burn, especially if I mix in conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And with that, I\u2019m bidding you all a good night.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to wash my face, moisturize and brush my teeth.&nbsp; Then i think I\u2019ll do a pod cast tonight.&nbsp; Good night friends, I hope you sleep well and dream good dreams.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Last night I dreamed about coffee.&nbsp; Cup after cup of coffee.&nbsp; And Cathie Dodd, my mother\u2019s friend that died 10 years ago.&nbsp; Cathie kept trying to talk to me, but it came out as gibberish.&nbsp; But I got the sense that she was telling me not to be ashamed.&nbsp; It was a strange dream.&nbsp; But [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-58","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=58"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":59,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58\/revisions\/59"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=58"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=58"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=58"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}