I slept really well last night, I think. I mean I woke up a gazillion times, but I always fell back asleep, until about 5:30 AM. That\u2019s when I realized that there is no escaping it, I have to pee. The amount of liquid this place pumps into you is unreal. Add that to the list of reason to get the fuck out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve been thinking really hard about if I want to go to PHP at all.\u00a0 It\u2019s basically going to be the same program with more groups and you sleep in an apartment.\u00a0 The apartment houses 4 people, with 2 bathrooms.\u00a0 And then a van picks you up every morning, early and you stay until 6:15pm.\u00a0 I mean, I don\u2019t know\u2026 I think this is going to be one giant train wreck and a waste of my time.\u00a0 I feel like being here has been a giant waste of time, if we\u2019re being honest.\u00a0 A huge part of that is my team, I just don\u2019t like them.\u00a0 I told them as much.\u00a0 I think Alina is a really crumby therapist.\u00a0 Her solution for everything is, \u201cHow can we challenge those thoughts?\u201d\u00a0 I probably mentioned that yesterday, but it\u2019s worth noting again, because if I knew how to challenge the fucking thoughts I would be doing it already, I\u2019ve had good therapist and I\u2019ve had bad therapist and Alina is somewhere in the middle, but on the not so great side of that.\u00a0 She\u2019s nice enough and I think she\u2019s genuine, but I don\u2019t have a connection with her and I don\u2019t trust her, so I\u2019ve stopped telling her much of anything.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, this is why I think I\u2019m broken.\u00a0 I feel broken, like my case is just too complicated.\u00a0 I\u2019m not doing what they want me to do and I don\u2019t care.\u00a0 I\u2019m not better.\u00a0 If I walk out the door today, I\u2019m just going to do exactly what I did before, but worse.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to go harder and faster than ever.\u00a0 And PHP, meh.\u00a0 More groups, yuck.\u00a0 More intense, \u201cprogramming,\u201d gross! The last thing I want to do is go to more groups, I just can\u2019t handle the thought of more fucking groups.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s because they challenge my thoughts?\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m just claustrophobic?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, I can\u2019t say for sure.\u00a0 But I know that I don\u2019t want to be here anymore and I don\u2019t want to participate in this nonsense anymore.\u00a0 If I\u2019m going to eat, I want to eat real food, not hospital food and I want to pick and choose when I eat.\u00a0 I want to get Dutch Brothers and Redbull.\u00a0 I might even start vaping again, just a fuck you to my health.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not death I\u2019m seeking, I want to live. I\u2019m just tired of spinning plates. I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve grown or made any real progress. I don\u2019t think my thinking has changed and I feel like I\u2019ve wasted everyone\u2019s time, so there\u2019s guilt that comes along with that. I\u2019m not a good influence and I feel like I\u2019m being punished in the cafe by being stuck in the very back corner as far as humanly possible from everyone else. It\u2019s gross, I hate it. I\u2019m tired of asking for permission for everything and arguing over simple stupid stuff. My SH\/SI are improved, but they\u2019ve been improved before, only to get worse again as stress picks back up. And then there\u2019s the whole thing about staying in the apartments for PHP for a month and trying to go home. How am I supposed to go home and get back to PHP everyday? Danielle took the other vehicle we have, so I\u2019ll have to get the van out of storage and drive it, which sounds absolutely insane or take Ubers\/Lyfts, which actually sounds even more insane. Either way, it\u2019s a lose-lose situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And then there\u2019s body image. Just from 2 days of fasting my stomach looks flatter and I feel better about my image. It\u2019s not like I\u2019m just getting an ass out of all this eating. And I\u2019m tired of eating, everyday, 6 times a day. It\u2019s too much and it\u2019s not sustainable, so I\u2019ve already failed. I\u2019ve already relapsed in my head. I don\u2019t know what they\u2019re going to say to me today, but I\u2019m committed to PHP, I\u2019m not trying to get out of it, which is probably what Dr. Parsley thinks. No, really, I\u2019m not trying to stay in this hospital for one extra day. I\u2019m counting down the hours now until I\u2019m free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t care about Phase II and Phase III, I failed to make either one and I\u2019m totally good with that. I don\u2019t have consistency and there lies the problem. At home, before I came here, I could sustain myself for a week or so, but then I always reverted back to not eating. What\u2019s changed? They\u2019ve failed to motivate me to do anything differently. Sorry to be such a negative Nancy, but I just don\u2019t see how this has been worthwhile at all. Betty is the only person I\u2019ll talk to when I leave here, no one else wants to hang out with me. So fuck it. Fuck it all. That\u2019s what I\u2019m taking into rounds today. But with a smile and a polite tone, no more exploding or taking my frustration out on the team. That does literally nothing. I need to fill out my rounds sheet and make sure I put clever answers on there. DO NOT BE A BITCH. It\u2019s like the number ONE rule here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
6;56 AM and at least Kiki is here this morning. Let\u2019s go out with a bang. I ordered my matching pants and I should get them tomorrow and monday, so yeah for me! Everyone is in a pretty good mood this morning, except Betty. I think she yelled at Rachel last night. The thing about Rachel is that she has to get insulin at a certain time, so we all normally let her cut the line for meds if she\u2019s due. However, Betty just had one med to get, her sleep med and I get the frustration. She was tired and was first in line and didn\u2019t want to wait for Rachel\u2019s shot since it takes 10-15 minutes. However, for something like insulin, the timing is really important and everyone knows that. Besides, we all will get our meds eventually. I saw the drama going down and I made a b-line straight for my room. I should have gone back out and talked to Betty, she\u2019s my friend, but I kind of just wanted to stay out of it. We talked this morning and I said what I thought\u2026 Everyone was tired and grumpy. Everyone wanted to get their meds and go to sleep. Except me and Priscilla, I let everyone go in front of me and I was last, until Priscilla popped out of her room and waited until I left the window to get her meds. I guess she wasn\u2019t feeling social. Ok, I get it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hope I got cereal this morning. The sugar buzz goes great with my coffee, my coffee with vanilla soy, and my americano with vanilla soy. That\u2019s right, I make three drinks out of my ONE cup of black coffee. However, I do always take 2-3 sips of the black, bitter coffee first. It\u2019s delicious. I miss coffee. I wonder if our apartment has a coffee maker? That would just be too cool, so I\u2019m guessing no. But hey, here\u2019s to hoping and something else to maybe, potentially look forward to. Maybe I can put that on my rounds sheet. I feel like I\u2019m missing key information for my rounds sheet. My nutrition goals are pretty much non-existent, which is weird for me, because usually I create my own goals. But my goals are really counter to some of my core values, namely, being a great parent for Juniper and providing for all her needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I almost always walk out of breakfast feeling the positive energy of the morning. Everyone is in a pretty good mood and feels refreshed. We\u2019re almost all excited about our coffee or tea. I was in the back corner with Raine and Sarah and I love them, they totally get my vibe. Neither are overly positive or super judgy. However, I think our table is going to merge with the middle table. Katerina asked Sara if we could merge and she was agreeable. My intention for the day was, \u201cDo my best with bites, sips and breaths.\u201d Grateful for, \u201cKaterina and her positive energy.\u201d She finds something nice to say to nearly everyone. A compliment or a shared thought, stickers for Sarah and encouragement. She sent me a link for these pants that everyone is wearing around here, so I could fit in with them. She\u2019s really cool and I will miss her at PHP. I would love it if we could remain friends after I leave. She said the sweetest thing, \u201cI wish I could get you for kudos, you always say the most interesting things and give interesting answers.\u201d She\u2019s also a part of our Aries club, so maybe it\u2019s just that we share astronomic energy. Is astronomic even a word. Ok, Sarah was my kudos and gave me the sweetest picture and message and I love it. It\u2019s so kind. I\u2019m going to get it laminated and take it with me to every meal. She underlined, \u201cYou are NOT broken.\u201d I want to cry a little bit. It\u2019s so sweet. I wish I could feel this energy all day long. I wish the positive vibes would continue all day and my anxiety would just chill the fuck out today. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sarah is so cute, she\u2019s from Austin, TX and has the coolest hair and a great smile. She\u2019s funny and she wears the cutest shoes and jeans. No one else wears jeans but her and me. And her shoes, two pairs she alternates, one red, one black. Both super cute. She\u2019s legit, not put on and not overly enthusiastic, but not negative either. I feel bad, I was such a bitch about the shower her first morning here. She didn\u2019t hold it against me, which shows so much character. She\u2019s authentic as fuck, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh, fuck here comes Alina. Whew, not for me. I\u2019m not ready for rounds. Three people staring at you awkwardly and drilling you on your feelings, emotions, success, challenges, and nutrition. Ugh. It\u2019s too much. It reminds me of being at the hospital with Juniper and the care conferences with Danielle and me sitting across from 10 doctors, all trying to convince us to do things that we didn\u2019t want to do with Juniper. During the rounds I don\u2019t even have the advantage of a companion. It\u2019s just me and my answers to all of their invasive questions. I know Dr. Parsley thinks I\u2019m trying to get out of PHP and I\u2019m not. I am ready, but I do feel like it\u2019s going to be a train wreck. Not trying to be negative here, just brutal honesty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Music: Lorde – Melodrama. It speaks to me, the whole thing, every song has some feeling that fits me. I\u2019m sitting outside on the patio and it\u2019s really nice outside this morning. Rose is busy making sidewalk art. She\u2019s quite talented. I have to tell her that I\u2019m getting her polar bear picture tattooed. I might get Sarah\u2019s picture tattooed, too. Or her words, I needed to hear them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel so broken. Why am I not getting better, why do I fall for the same old tricks from her, my brain, over and over? Just being honest, I knew I\u2019d finish breakfast, but I won\u2019t finish snack or lunch or dinner or HS snack. I\u2019m just so tired of eating and it\u2019s not serving me in any way, other than my core value of taking care of Juniper. But, I think I can be anorexic and take care of Juniper, I just have to consume enough food to not make myself sick. One therapist said that a lot of patients wind up back here 5 or 6 times before it clicks for them. I guess that made me feel like I don\u2019t stand a chance this time around. I know they didn\u2019t mean it like that. It\u2019s sort of like when you leave rehab and they tell you that you\u2019ll probably relapse, but you\u2019ll bounce back much faster. It was true. I relapsed for two weeks and then quit that shit for good and I\u2019m better for it. But anorexia is different for me. I mean, part of it is about my identity as a girl. I\u2019m already at a disadvantage, because testosterone cursed me with a boyish face and body. I hate to whine about that, but it\u2019s just being honest. I think I\u2019m complicated because I have body dysphoria and dysmorphia at the same time. In case you don\u2019t know, the difference is with dysphoria, your brain is tricking you into seeing things that aren\u2019t real or flaws that aren\u2019t there. With dysmorphia, you see your body as it is and it causes distress. Since I want my body to be more feminine, having a bigger body makes me feel more manly, less feminine. I love how fragile the eating disorder made me. I\u2019m scared that gaining the kind of weight they say I need to gain is going to make me a rectangle and look like a man again. Part of it is paranoia, I guess, but part is reality. I already hate my face and my hair. My face looks too much like a man\u2019s face and I don\u2019t know if I trust FFS to help. I\u2019ve seen mostly poor results. And my hairline looks a little masculine, too. Fortunately I\u2019m not balding, that would be a deal breaker for me. But I\u2019d like to have them move my hairline up .75 inches or so, so I can pull my hair back when it gets long enough. I wish I could make it thicker, too, but I don\u2019t think that\u2019s really possible. I\u2019m stuck with \u201cfine,\u201d straight, blonde hair. Maybe once I can put in a pony tail I\u2019ll feel better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just honestly don\u2019t think my team is equipped to deal with me, I don\u2019t think they know what to do with me. I don\u2019t think Alina understands the complex nature of my dysphoria and dysmorphia. I\u2019m glad I\u2019m going to go to the gender clinic at UC Health in a month or so. They\u2019ll probably have a better idea about how to best treat me, it\u2019s what they do. On my first appointment I will meet with an endocrinologist, psychiatrist and psychologist. A busy appointment for sure. I need to be healthy for that appointment, so we can talk about surgery, my primary reason for going there. That\u2019s something I have to remember, I have a reason to do it for myself, this recovery thing that is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What am I feeling? Misunderstood. Why? Because my brain is already complicated by ADHD or whatever it does that makes it weird or different or eccentric, however you want to phrase it. I don\u2019t think like most people and I know that. I dress funny, I think differently, I talk differently, my thoughts are spacey and sometimes I\u2019m all over the place. Well, if you\u2019ve read much of this journal, you can probably see what I mean. I go from subject to subject and sometimes the transition doesn\u2019t make much sense to outside observers. I go back and forth on whether my neurodivergence is a blessing or a curse. The rapid fire thoughts are just pervasive and intrusive to my everyday life. They make it hard to make friends and have relationships. My social awkwardness doesn\u2019t help with that either. It makes me want to hide. I\u2019m afraid that what I say won\u2019t make sense to anyone. That\u2019s why I keep going back to Danielle brain. I did it this morning. She and I could talk for hours and hours and we may have jumped from one subject to the next, but we always understood each other. At least until she started talking to him. Then all of the sudden, we couldn\u2019t relate to each other anymore. Or maybe it was the hormones, maybe they ruined my brain, she said so at least. She said that a lot actually. A large part of that broken feeling comes from all the put downs, criticisms and lies Danielle Gauthier told me. She was so verbally and emotionally abusive and yet, I wake up every morning wishing she was next to me still. It\u2019s such a fucked up conundrum. Why do I long for a relationship with someone that was just mean to me, sometimes for no reason? I think I answered that, because when we clicked, we were such a solid unit. But she hated me in the end. She hated my body, she made fun of my brain, like I wasn\u2019t smart enough to be her friend. I wasn\u2019t hipster enough, my record collection, much too small. So stupid. Oh, and she hated the sex. She claimed it was different immediately after the first estrogen shot, which is silly because my levels were still cis male levels for months, especially testosterone. And the progesterone, the drug she said I betrayed her by taking\u2026 it\u2019s not like I started working immediately. And then there\u2019s the, \u201cI\u2019m not attracted to women,\u201d odd, because when she came to Seattle she had been only seeing women for some time. She told me she was really a lesbian. It doesn\u2019t make any sense, I just don\u2019t get it. I guess one theory that I have is that she\u2019s ashamed of her sexuality and self-hate, self-bigotry is a thing and it\u2019s a motherfucker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yeah, honey, I\u2019ll come get my things, but I can\u2019t let go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m waiting for it, that green light, I want it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe I should make a Danielle pros and cons list. Maybe seeing it written out will make me feel better about reality. Or at least help me to accept reality. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m ready to do that today though. That\u2019s going to be consuming and I feel anxious just thinking about it. What am I getting by hanging on to this romanticized vision in my head? Distress, sadness, anger, longing. Those are all negative and I\u2019m doing it to myself. Ugh. I hate it, but it\u2019s so hard to shake these stupid fucking thoughts. The memories are deceiving, I romanticize the good parts and push the bad parts to the side. They are still there, affecting me, but I pretend that they didn\u2019t really happen or that they aren\u2019t that big of a deal. Both are untrue. I\u2019m lying to myself, because the truth hurts so badly. She\u2019s a bad person, a really bad person. She can\u2019t help it, her brain is sick and I want to fix her. I desperately want her to just wake up and realize she needs help and get it and come home. I know, all fantasy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wake up every morning and stare at a blank page. I add the day and the date and I think, I don\u2019t really have that much to say today. And then the thoughts just start pouring out of me, like a gatling gun, firing bullets in a rotating order at a rapid pace. But I don\u2019t know if any of it matters, if they actually make any sense. But if I do this for me, like how we wrote that play, then it doesn\u2019t matter if it makes sense. I don\u2019t have to make sense. I don\u2019t have to have order in my thoughts, they can be a never ending spider web. But is that why I get so anxious? Is that the reason I struggle with relationships so badly? I don\u2019t know. Do I wish my brain was more stable, more normal? Sometimes and sometimes I like being weird. Priscilla said it was a good thing, so did that model girl APN, drug rehab. She called me the \u201cweirdest person there\u201d as a complement.\u201d It is until someone sees you as a \u201cweirdo\u201d which is different, but people sometimes conflate the two. I also feel like relating to people can be more challenging, because I just don\u2019t understand what they\u2019re saying or that they don’t understand me and my responses. It leads to sideways glances or even being cut out of the conversation. And then there\u2019s the interrupting thing that I do, which I really hate. It\u2019s usually just me being excited because I have a thought to contribute that I think makes sense, so I talk out of order, because I\u2019m scared I\u2019ll forget it before I can say it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The community group is the worst group that we do here. It\u2019s much less about mental health (although it does have parts of it that are based on mental health) and usually just turns into a bitch fest and gets everyone worked up about shit that we can control or change while we\u2019re here. For instance, the package policy, we could have bitched to Lily about how unfair it is and she would have said she understands and that she\u2019d bring it up at the next meeting and then nothing would have been done. It\u2019s always shit like that and it doesn\u2019t actually resolve anything, but then everyone comes out of the meeting all riled up and complaining. It can completely change the energy of the whole unit and for what, literally nothing. NOTHING. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wait, it\u2019s David\u2019s group. Is it community? I don\u2019t know. Procrastination. It was procrastination. He\u2019s been trying to get us to do that stupid group for a month. We finally just got it over with. It made me hella anxious and I hated it. I sat through it, but I hated everything about it. Reading about it, thinking about it, talking about it. It sucked. Fuck procrastination as a concept and an inaction. The anxiety has kicked in full force. I\u2019ve taken the drugs to slow it down. My body feels anxious all over. I wonder if leaving this place and being able to move around more than an L-shaped hallway will help with anxiety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I met with my team and it went about as expected. Courtney chastised me to go to every meal. Fuck that. Okay, I will. But not because she wants me to, because I want to talk to my friends. I\u2019m going to miss them, I like being here, even though I\u2019m on lockdown. It just feels comfortable and if I could keep it like this forever, I\u2019d do it. I\u2019m not looking forward to all the freedom. Some, yes. But not all of it. The thing I didn\u2019t tell my team is that I\u2019m already in full relapse, that I\u2019m going to try and skip going to PHP, that I\u2019m going to skip every meal and snack that I can. That I\u2019ve already quit and I don\u2019t care anymore. How this is already a trainwreck. How pushing me to PHP isn\u2019t going to get me to accept a neutral body image or be ok with gaining a bunch of weight. No, this isn\u2019t going to work. I know. I know. Too negative, but I just don\u2019t know how this could possibly be the right move and I don\u2019t want to go, even with all the pros outweighing the cons. It\u2019s not logical, but that\u2019s ED brain for you. She\u2019s a bitch and doesn\u2019t make fucking sense. I guess that\u2019s a reason for recovery, but fuck recovery. Fuck me. It doesn\u2019t make sense and I don\u2019t know how it ever will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m also a little nervous about the apartment situation. It\u2019s four people in an apartment, 2 per room. 2 bathrooms. So how will I be handled? Will I be othered? I\u2019m going to assume that I\u2019ll have my own room and bathroom. Ok, dope about the bathroom situation. Dr. Parsley wanted to pull my pros out of me. No, dude, those are mine. You don\u2019t get the details. Keep my answers shallow and vague. I don\u2019t trust them at all. It\u2019s very nerve wracking being quizzed about these types of things, they aren\u2019t all things I want them to know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I keep having visions of Danielle Gauthier and I doing stuff we always did together. Going to Safeway, driving in the car, going to NAPA, driving to dog training, going to Target, getting groceries, getting coffee, getting energy drinks. The list is just so long. I\u2019m about to cry again. I miss her so much. Danielle Gauthier, I miss you so much. You fucking bitch, you\u2019re making me cry again and I hate you for it. It\u2019s every fucking day. I want my normal back so badly and I hate myself for that. I want my marriage back. I want my friend. Why did my friend leave me? She promised. YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME. You betrayed me for a shiny object. I miss you every single day. You were my why. I don\u2019t want to live forever without you. I\u2019m so sad. So desperately sad. I miss you so much. I miss your eyes, your voice, your touch, your brain, your thoughts. You kisses, I miss your fucking kisses. Your snuggles. I miss them so much. Stop making me cry. When does this stupid hurt stop? When? How long do I have to wait? Why would you do this to us, to our family? I fantasize about you coming to visit me, to tell me you\u2019re coming home, to work out how we can make it work. I hate the distance. I hate the space. I really love you still, you\u2019re the only adult human I\u2019ve ever loved. I want to sing our stupid songs together and go on adventures with you. Why? Why would you do this? What do you get that you weren\u2019t getting? I gave you everything you ever wanted and more. You had everything you wanted. Why would you rip it apart? I just want to quit, quit everything. Quit breathing. Quit remembering you. I want to hold your hand. I miss holding your hand. I want to try again, one more time. Just one more and I\u2019ll make it work. We can do anything together. We can do this. Fuck eating. I\u2019m done eating. I just can\u2019t go on anymore. I have no reason. I miss you so much. I\u2019ll take 1000 bad days for a good one with you, it\u2019s worth it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I disgust myself. What the fuck? I want to let go of this hurt, but it just keeps finding its way back into my head. How can I live without her? She was everything to me. Our marriage was everything to me. It was special, it was different. Fuck eating. I\u2019ll never take another bite. Fuck it. I hate myself. I hate myself. I am broken beyond repair. I\u2019ve been crushed by the weight of mental health and grief from loss. I\u2019m crumbling from the inside out, starting with my brain going to my last bone in my toe. It\u2019s disgusting. I\u2019m disgusting\u2026 My whole body is missing her. She was my home. It was the only home I\u2019ve ever had and I want it back. I need it back. I\u2019ll never be happy again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am I supposed to feel sad that I just had cucumbers for lunch? I ate all the cucumber slices they gave me and I\u2019m relatively satisfied. I have no real nutrition goals anymore other than eating as little as possible. Try to count calories as best as I can estimate. Ignore all hunger pains and feel fucking numb. Make me numb and take away my pain. I think with all the crying earlier, my willingness to process just went from 4\/10 to a 1\/10. I need to distract myself for the rest of the day. Maybe I\u2019ll watch the shitty cop show. Really all I want to do is hear Lorde\u2019s beautiful voice on Melodrama. It\u2019s just as close as I can get to describing my feelings of grief, loss and being broken. Being othered. Being forgotten. Being betrayed. Being lied to. It\u2019s as close as I can get to knowing what I am feeling is normal and that we (Lorde and I) we\u2019ve been through it, together we\u2019ll come out the other side of this. I just wish she, or anyone really, would tell me when. How much must I endure, how long must I sit with the discomfort. And how the fuck do I diffuse these thoughts, these fantasies. I want to cry some more, but I think I\u2019ll just wait. What\u2019s the fucking point?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s enough to make me stop eating completely again, which is what I am planning at this point. Fuck food. Fuck getting better. Kill me. Kill me now. Come at me bitch. She hates me anyways and isn\u2019t speaking to me, so fuck it. I quit, I give up. I don\u2019t want to play any more, I just want to go back to my house and starve myself to death. I was close before, I\u2019m not going to let anyone stop me this time. I\u2019m just giving up, completely. I am broken. I am and I have nothing left to offer this world. She\u2019s taken everything I care about already. Fuck it. FUCK IT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was able to restrict > half of dinner. Anorexia 101 – EAT SLOW. Duh. Take tiny, tiny bites and chew each bite 20+ times. Drink water in between each bite. ****le sigh**** I don\u2019t know if I really even know why I\u2019m doing this. I do know the only thing Courtney said was make sure I go to meals, which probably means I have to attend a certain amount of meals for them to step me down to PHP. I don\u2019t want to go. I\u2019m so sad. I love Katerina and Priscilla and all the girls here, and Cole and Trevor, too. I\u2019m comfortable here. I know, it\u2019s weird. It\u2019s a hospital, but really the restrictions aren\u2019t that bad once you get used to them. The staff checking the toilet after you go never gets any less weird. But otherwise, I kind of like it here. I like the nursing presence. I like the 24\/7 on call Drs., both Psych and Medical. I sometimes like the groups. But my favorite parts of the day are Splataaah when we get up in the morning and when we get ready for bed. It\u2019s like this little social event. I told them (Katerina and Priscilla) I was leaving Monday and they both said they\u2019d miss me. It was so sweet and made me feel really good. That whole sense of belonging thing that I\u2019ve been talking about. But I have their contact info, I just have to figure out how to stay in touch. It\u2019s all social media, all the time now. That\u2019s how most of the girls connect. I\u2019d also like to keep in contact with Rose and of course Betty. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But yeh, the truth is that I don\u2019t want to leave and if I do leave, they won\u2019t put me back on this unit most likely, which completely defeats the purpose of coming back. I\u2019ll miss my friends and the community that we have here. We all have our struggles and we have our tough days, but the vibe here is so amazing. It\u2019s really supportive and uplifting. But I\u2019m pretty sure I could skip every meal all weekend and they\u2019d still make me go to PHP. I\u2019m sad. I\u2019m distressed, actually. Home. I feel at home here, even though it\u2019s a hospital. I remember when Rachel had to go to the ER for something relatively minor and she came back and said, \u201cI got home at 11:30pm\u201d or something like that and from that moment forward, that\u2019s how I see it, too. It\u2019s home. The apartments will be fun, I\u2019m sure and I\u2019ll make new friends, eventually. And I have a 50\/50 shot of being in a \u201cpod\u201d with Polly or Rebecca, so I\u2019ll know someone, regardless of where I go. Not going to lie, if they were to put me in Polly\u2019s apartment, we would have a fucking blast. Same for when Priscilla and Katerina make it to PHP. I would love to be in an apartment with either of them, they are the coolest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Literally, I think I could fast with nothing but water all weekend and there\u2019s no way they are letting me stay here. They would probably move me to a different unit before they let me stay here any longer. And I did commit to Dr. Parsley that I would go willingly. To be fair, I made the pros and cons list and it has lots of pros. Some of them really positive and others like smoking some fucking weed. I miss weed and I intend to get stoned ASAP. I don\u2019t know about drug tests in PHP, but I know I\u2019m an adult and it\u2019s legal for me to buy gummies and pre-rolls, so\u2026 I\u2019m going to feel it out. If it\u2019s doable, I\u2019m going to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I kind of want to cry right now, actually. I just really don\u2019t want or need another big change in my life right now, it could send me over the edge. I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know if the SH\/SI numbers are going to hold at 0,0 with all the changes. And I could do terribly over there. I don\u2019t know. I know I don\u2019t have much motivation to get better right now. I really want to restrict all my meals. If I didn\u2019t like the people I\u2019m sitting with so fucking much I would have skipped all my meals today. They\u2019re all so sweet and genuine. I know, I\u2019m gushing again. I just love our little community here. Anusha said, \u201cOnce you finish here, ERC is just going to be a flash of a memory and you\u2019ll forget all about it.\u201d Maybe she\u2019s right, but I kind of hope not, these people are my friends. And this is the most authentic that I\u2019ve been able to show up anywhere, including home and be appreciated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My intention is to call juniper and tell her good night and then get in the med line. That shit is getting serious as of late. With the fight last night, everyone is on edge, I\u2019m sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We had HS snack. I probably ate the equivalent of \u00be of a cookie, some tea and some water. Cookies are one of the hardest things for me to restrict. I love sweets, so part of the restriction for me is about self-control. I feel like if I give into my urge to eat them really quickly and not think about it, I\u2019ll lose all control over my eating. I guess this is something to talk about with Alina and Courtney in PHP, assuming I\u2019m still going. I\u2019m going fast all day tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday with nothing but liquids. I’m also going to try and skip as many meals as I can tomorrow. Maybe not, I want to sit and talk with my friends. It is harder to restrict when there is peer pressure and I want to be a good example, but I don\u2019t want to eat. I don\u2019t want to eat. I don\u2019t want to eat. I want to get back down to 124 lbs. I like that size.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I found a new way to style my hair with a beret that doesn\u2019t look weird. I\u2019m going to try it again tomorrow after I wash and blow dry it and I might use the flat iron to give it more body or whatever. That\u2019s kind of exciting, I really want to do anything besides a headband. Anything. But I don\u2019t want to wear a wig, even though Belle makes them look so cool. Ok, maybe I\u2019d wear a colorful one, like Katy Perry style. Pink or blue or something bold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Night time spa is my favorite time of night here. I think I said the same thing about the morning splataaah, too. But night time is a bit more chill, there\u2019s less rush, because I\u2019m not worried about a shower, makeup or hair. I just wash my face, brush my teeth and moisturize. \u201cYou\u2019ve got to moisturize girl,\u201d per Priscilla. She\u2019s so right, it\u2019s crucial. Danielle Gauthier used to love to make fun of my moisturizing, but suck it biotch, I have some sexy ass legs and my arms and hands aren\u2019t half bad either. Anyways, spa\u2026 it\u2019s pretty laid back in there, we all chit-chat and get ready for bed. Splataaah was the thing that made me most nervous when I first got here, before people got to know me. I felt like I was invading a private space, but I\u2019ve gotten very comfortable with being in there, I belong in there. I get so many great tips and tricks. I just love the vibe. Sometimes Ella will play music for us and even show off her sick dance moves. Fuck, I\u2019m going to miss being with this group of girls, they\u2019re really a great group. I\u2019m glad I\u2019ve stayed as long as I have here and gotten to know so many people. I\u2019m glad I stopped being weird about new admits and started seeing them all as a new opportunity to make friends. And the less standoffish that I\u2019ve become, the more the group has overall accepted me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I worry about being alone in an apartment room and about being with new people. It\u2019s intimidating, but if I take the same approach as I\u2019ve taken to new admits, then it\u2019s just a new opportunity to meet new friends and get to know them. And, bonus points, I\u2019ve learned so much about girl dynamics that I didn\u2019t know when I got here. The things these girls have been learning since kindergarten, I just didn\u2019t know. But I\u2019m a fast learner and I\u2019ve picked up so many different cues and social norms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
8:58 PM and it\u2019s lights out I guess for now.\u00a0 It\u2019s storming outside with real thunder and lightning, something that is pretty rare here. The rain will be good.\u00a0 I\u2019m so sad going to bed tonight. But sleep will help and tomorrow is a big day. I’m going to tour the PHP building.\u00a0 And I want to write everyone a little card of encouragement.\u00a0 They are so sweet.\u00a0 I know I keep saying it, but I genuinely care about each and every person\u2019s story here.\u00a0 The things that bind us together and the things that are different, but the struggle for recovery is the same.\u00a0 This is the hardest thing I\u2019ve ever done for myself and the battle hasn\u2019t even been won yet.\u00a0 Okay, bed time.\u00a0 Night everyone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I slept really well last night, I think. I mean I woke up a gazillion times, but I always fell back asleep, until about 5:30 AM. That\u2019s when I realized that there is no escaping it, I have to pee. The amount of liquid this place pumps into you is unreal. Add that to the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-55","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=55"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":57,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/55\/revisions\/57"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=55"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=55"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=55"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}