I think last night was the best sleep that I\u2019ve had since I\u2019ve been here. I dreamed, but I don\u2019t remember what it was about. The weird thing is I forgot to take night meds, so I woke up at 1am, because I had to pee. I went to the med window and asked if it was too late to take meds. Her first reaction was, \u201cWAAAAY toooo Laaaatttteeee,\u201d followed by, \u201cI don\u2019t know, let me look,\u201d followed by, \u201cI can give you everything, but the sleep meds.\u201d Great. Sign me up. My secret weapon is progesterone, one of its main side effects is making you feel drunk and sleepy. I guess it\u2019s because taking it orally means your liver has to break it down and process, which results in the \u201cdrunk\u201d feeling, followed by really relaxing sleep. Needless to say, I started an episode of \u201cThe Following\u201d (the cheesy Kevin Bacon cop show), and was out within 15 minutes and slept until FIVE THIRTY. Amazing. I think that\u2019s happened maybe once in the last year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m calling it, it\u2019s going to be a good day. Kiki is here by herself, but with Kristen and Ella gone, Kiki is now the best BHT we have, plus her playlist in the Splataaah is always the best. And she opened early, so I wasn\u2019t super late getting out of the shower, I think it was like 6:47am when I stepped out. And given that the med line has been hell after doing makeup and hair in the morning, I decided to say fuck it and just brush my hair and GTFO, so I was second in line for meds, ANOTHER MIRACLE. That means I get 30 minutes to write and chill. Besides, with Kiki being the only one here, Splataaah is closing at 7:30 anyways, so I got out of the way. The mirrors were busy AF this morning and I just wanted to be a shadow and fade out of view. That\u2019s my goal today, be present in the background and not draw attention. It just feels like I\u2019ve been too attention seeking or something. Not intentionally or anything, just kind of how it worked out. It\u2019s the whole feeling weird thing, it\u2019s got my brain spinning. Maybe less interaction will make me feel less out of place. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s worth a try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Music today is Lorde Melodrama. It\u2019s a more complex album, IMO, with a mixture of synth, piano, guitars, bass, but relies on classic progressions. Green Light and Liability are my favorites. \u201cYou\u2019re a little much for me, you’re a liability,\u201d feels so close to home. \u201cI\u2019m a toy, till I don’t work any more, then they get bored of me,\u201d I\u2019m a little much. I\u2019m going to disappear into the sun. You\u2019re going to watch. Yes, that\u2019s me. I\u2019ve literally heard, \u201cyou\u2019re a bit much,\u201d over and over. It\u2019s crushing to hear from the voice that promised they love me. I\u2019m sure that\u2019s a big part of my insecurity with new friends. I\u2019m a liability. I\u2019m intense. I\u2019m eccentric and it\u2019s a lot sometimes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
[insert paper journal here]<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why do I feel so ugly. I\u2019m bored with my hair. I\u2019m bored with my face. I\u2019m bored with eating. I\u2019m bored with my body. I just want to feel normal. What is normal? For me, it\u2019s a certain amount of predictability, which is I hate change so fucking much. It\u2019s why just people shifting chairs in the group room is so fucking jolting. I don\u2019t like when the menu changes at a restaurant and while getting a new car is fun, I miss driving my old car for at least the first few months. If I\u2019m in the habit of talking to someone daily and it suddenly stops, my heart sinks to the bottom of the bottomless well. I prefer the predictable. The easy way. The familiar. It\u2019s not like I don\u2019t take risks, I do. I like adventure, as long as I know who I\u2019m going on an adventure with and we\u2019re working together in a predictable way. I\u2019m not dull and it\u2019s not the same as monotony. I don\u2019t need a routine to be happy, although I do find I\u2019m more productive when I have one. Hmm, I\u2019m having trouble seeing the difference and what makes me feel chaos versus calm. Actually, I get bored quite easily and I guess I seek new things often, but that\u2019s probably more for the dopamine hit, I do love that. That can be something as simple as moving to a different room, sitting on the other side of the couch (if I\u2019m by myself), learning a new song, listening to a new band, mowing the grass in a different pattern, trying to find a new route to a familiar place. Those are all changes I like. So what is it about here that makes me seek the comfort of predictability? My own insecurity? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m a 4\/10 for processing emotions today and I just feel like crying. I have all morning, even though I\u2019m well rested and didn\u2019t have nightmares (at least that I remember). But the difficult thoughts are pressing on my chest like a thousand pound weight that\u2019s holding me down, keeping me from picking myself back up. It\u2019s just past the point of unbearable and I\u2019m antsy. I want to move around, pace. Maybe it\u2019s the lack of music. Maybe it was the music that set this chain of thoughts in motion, like dominoes falling, one by one I hear the voice or see the thought and I don\u2019t want to sit with them. I want to shove them away. Maybe I need a change. Maddie has my seat at the end of the hall. Grr. I feel like no one sat there for months, then I started sitting there and it became the most popular isolation spot in the milieu. It\u2019s rarely ever vacant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I set all these goals for myself every morning and even believe myself when I set them. They\u2019re not hard goals to achieve. Tolerate the discomfort, sit through the meals and groups. Opposite action. Urge surfing. I don\u2019t follow through, however, which just makes me feel disappointed in myself. What is wrong with me? Today I could say, \u201cYou\u2019re not broken,\u201d a million times and I\u2019d still feel like pieces of me have been chipped away. Maybe I\u2019ll do a little editing myself and post some of these to the blog. Starting with day one. I need a new outlet for a while, just a temporary one. Could be the blog. Could be some guitar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
[SCAN in WRITTEN JOURNAL POST]<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have a dirty little secret. Juniper came to visit (that\u2019s not the secret) and I had my mother smuggle me a golden eagle from dutch brothers. SHHHHH. Don\u2019t narc on me. But here\u2019s where it gets interesting, I had snack directly after and it was a strawberry shake. I barely drank \u00bc of it. Oops. It sort of fits my MO for the last two weeks, especially the last week. I\u2019ve just been skipping meals and snacks as much as I can. I like the people at my table, so I\u2019ve been trying to at least go. But I don\u2019t want to eat. I went over this with Courtney and the reasons behind it. I\u2019ve been processing big emotions around Danielle, as you may have read over the past couple of days. Lots and lots and lots of big stupid fucking emotions. A lot of anger and sadness. A lot of tears and isolation. A lot of taking naps instead of participating. I\u2019d like to go into my room and hide under the covers. I\u2019m listening to music (Lorde still) to try and enhance my mood, but it\u2019s not enhancing my appetite. Danielle still holds a spell over me and I hate that this is the case, but meals were our thing. I don\u2019t want to eat without her. I don\u2019t want her to move on and I don\u2019t want to move on. I just want to sit down and watch a show or a movie, chit chat over the dialogue and eat delicious stuff with her. Outside of that, I don\u2019t want food. Courtney says, \u201cthink of it as self care.\u201d But Courtney, I don\u2019t want to care for myself. I want my body to shut down. I want to give up. I want to fail. Why? I don\u2019t know. To punish myself for fucking up my marriage? Is it even my fault? If I had just suppressed these feelings and emotions around gender, would Danielle be sitting at the house right now, waiting for me to get home? Probably not, she\u2019s had one foot out the door for two years. But it doesn\u2019t make it hurt less. I feel like a whiney bitch to keep talking about this. I know. I know. And I want to start crying again. But then, there\u2019s another part of me that wants to feel numb. Stop feeling the big emotions and the eating disorder contributes to that numbing feeling. It gives me something else to focus on that is not her. <\/em>It gives me confidence in my body and a goal that is achievable. Numb. Numb is easier than sad, angry, heartbroken, ripped to shreds, stomped on and abused. Numb trumps all these feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And if I can\u2019t be numb, give me that quick dopamine hit. Retail therapy is real and it does work. Not just putting things in the cart and pressing purchase, which is pretty fucking fun. But it\u2019s the whole process of getting the package, making a new outfit. Mix and match with different styles and sizes. How do I want to express myself today? Do I want to be cute? Pretty? Sophisticated? Simple? Invisible? I\u2019ve got clothes for all occasions. Today, I want to be the prettiest girl on the unit. Tomorrow I want to hide behind baggy pants and a hoodie. Next week, belle of the ball. I love being here, because it gives me space to do all those things and be free from judgement. Rather, I get support and encouragement. Never have I felt I\u2019ve had such a space just to be me. It\u2019s a really good feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But then\u2026 it\u2019s over and I\u2019m back to the thoughts that got me here to begin with and I want my eating disorder to take over everything. I want to obsess over my body. I want to see the scale’s magic number start to drop again. I want to feel that feeling of success. I want to punish myself. I want to punish Danielle. I want to forget about food being nutrition and think of it as a means of control. I want to relapse and I don\u2019t want anyone to see. I want my body to shrink back down, I want size 0. I want to be fragile and delicate. I want a perfect flat stomach that I can adorn with jewelry and art that is cute. I want to show off to Brandon, who can\u2019t keep his hands to himself. I want the butterflies from him. And when he\u2019s not there\u2026 nothing. I want to feel nothing. When Juniper is at school or with Susan, I want to feel nothing. I want my fingers and toes to feel cold. I want my stomach to stop churning. I want my body to slow down its functions, again. I want this eating disorder to grab hold of me and never let go. I love this eating disorder and it loves me. It\u2019s better than any drug I\u2019ve ever tried. I get higher than any high cocaine or heroin could give me. And it\u2019s a sustained reaction that costs me no dollars. It\u2019s beautiful this relationship that my eating disorder and I have. I love fantasizing about it. About pulling my shirt in the full size mirror and seeing my belly, perfect and flat. My small perky boobs, my perfectly shaped ass. I love everything about this eating disorder and I don\u2019t want to let go. I don\u2019t want to change. I\u2019m embracing my restriction. \u201cGo to meals,\u201d says Courtney. Only if they catch me and make me. Only if I get to sit with my friends and only because I want to support them. I\u2019m learning to sit through the meal and take as few bites as possible. I\u2019m embracing this relapse and promoting it to myself. I\u2019m calling out to my eating disorder and asking her, \u201cdon\u2019t run away, don\u2019t be shy, I won\u2019t be mean to you anymore. I\u2019ll love you like you deserve to be loved. We\u2019re going all the way this time. We\u2019re starting and we\u2019re never going to stop. \u201cIt starts with going to meals and snack,\u201d says Courtney. I would challenge this thought, Courtney, and say it ends with going to meals and snacks. And we don\u2019t want it to end, do we Eating Disorder? We want you to thrive and grow in strength. We want you to have the ultimate conditions to thrive and push away any of those nasty thoughts of recovery. We want recovery to run and hide from us. From our unified front against recovery. It\u2019s a partner that I have that won\u2019t run away from me and will always love me. I can take you to new heights, you beautiful wonder eating disorder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like my team is delusional, pretending like me skipping meals and snacks or refusing to eat even simple meals is somehow ok and makes sense. It\u2019s funny. You fools. I\u2019m in full on relapse and I\u2019m going to push the envelope as hard and fast as I can. I\u2019m virtually skipping all meals but breakfast. I\u2019m doing my best to restrict to 500 calories a day here. That\u2019s where we see the best results. That\u2019s where we drop a pound today. And this time, me and eating disorder are going to 100 pounds, rail thin. She\u2019s going to take me to new heights. And no one is going to stop us this time. There\u2019s no one to challenge me. There\u2019s no one to shame me. Fuck recovery. Fuck getting fat. Fuck looking like Courtney or my therapist. I don\u2019t want to have a body like that. That\u2019s not my value. My value is authenticity and my authentic self is a smaller version of me. I want to be the smallest version of me. And I want to start before I go to PHP and really master the art of dropping weight as rapidly and as efficiently as possible. I want to melt away my stomach, my thighs, my tits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since being at the hospital, I\u2019ve learned so many great new tricks. It\u2019s like boot camp for skinny girls. There\u2019s exercise, laxatives, calorie counting, purging, binging and, my personal favorite, restricting. Combine them all and it\u2019s a recipe for success. Fantastic, beautiful, wonderful success. There\u2019s no one that can stop us this time. We\u2019re going all the way. I\u2019m excited to put this recovery bullshit behind me and dance with my love, my eating disorder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI am a toy that people enjoy until all of the tricks don\u2019t work anymore. Then they get bored of me. They say you\u2019re a little much for me. You\u2019re a liability. Then they pull back. Make other plans\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n No more back and forth, we\u2019re forging straight ahead. We\u2019re going for the gold metal this time around. No more failure. No more team talk. It\u2019s just me and her. She\u2019s going to guide us to the finish line. We\u2019ll hold hands and stand proudly on the podium, raise them into the air and smile at the applause and cheers from our cheering section in our head. We\u2019re going to make it to the end this time, because we\u2019re doing this together. We\u2019ve got what it takes to get there and we\u2019ll never let the naysayers tell us what to do again. And the start line shot has already been fired, we\u2019re on the track and we\u2019re sprinting the first lap today. If not today, when? If not us, who? I can hear the roar of the crowd, the combination of applauding hands, cheers, whistles and hoorahs. I can feel the thunder of the bleachers stomped upon my thousands of stomping feet in sync, it\u2019s deafening. The energy lights a fire under us and we pick up strength and it makes us move faster and more efficiently. Oh, we’re beautiful, the two of us. We\u2019re the type of team that gets sponsorship. It\u2019s not nutrition, it\u2019s poison that they want us to eat and their words are poison to our ears. We won\u2019t have it, not anymore. I missed you, ED. You were my best friend and you kept me company on my loneliest nights. You gave me hope. You gave me control. You gave me accomplishment. But now we\u2019re one again. You\u2019re me and I am you and we\u2019re going to win this time. We don\u2019t need anyone else, we can do this all by ourselves. We don\u2019t need you Mom. We don\u2019t need you Dr. Parsley. We don\u2019t need you Danielle. You\u2019re all just poison. POISON. Why would I willingly take you? Why would I willingly accept your death? That\u2019s what they want, to kill my best friend, my Eating Disorder. NO! I\u2019m not going to let that happen, not now, not ever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I was a fool, my love, and I\u2019m so sorry. They promised me the very things that you were already giving me. They promised me joy. They promised me control. They promised me freedom. But you were already all those things to me and so many more. I was tricked. Bamboozled. It was all lies and I hate that I even let them talk to me. I hate that I shut out your beautiful siren\u2019s song that was leading me toward the beautiful light. I want to feel your warmth again. I want to remember how you made this possible. I want to forget about the pains that hunger causes. We can make those pains go away, if only we work together and focus. I\u2019ve got the ambition, baby, I\u2019ve got the supercharged motivated thoughts and I\u2019m silencing anything that doesn\u2019t move us toward our goal. We\u2019ll never be fooled again. We won\u2019t be fooled again. You\u2019re beautiful, you\u2019re my love, you\u2019re my light and we won\u2019t ever let them come between us again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re the only friend I need and you\u2019re the friend that will never let me down. I love you and I\u2019ll never fail you again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The cafe was fucking disgusting tonight. The stench of seared animal flesh, starches and fats. Gravies and potatoes and corn and fish. It made me want to puke. I couldn\u2019t even finish my salad. I didn\u2019t want to either, I just wanted to run out and through the double doors to get as far away as fast as I could. It was horrifying. Recovery. Meh. Fuck you recovery, you just want to turn me into a blob, like jabba the hutt. Happy with my belly and slime, eating anything in sight. Fuck you recovery. Fuck you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Danielle Gauthier,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you remember, less than a year ago, we had a plan. We wanted to run away to France. You loved your family and you wanted to save us. You tried to save us. You loved us and you thought so highly of us that you wanted to carry us across the ocean on your name alone and give a new place to call home. You tried. You did the research, lots and lots of research and finally, you came up with a name. A great-grandmother, if I remember correctly and she was going to be our ticket to a red passport and a safe haven. A safe place for Jude, you and me. We were going to realize a dream together. But alas, the plan fell through. You weren\u2019t French enough to purchase the golden ticket and instead of sticking around to find the path, you started flirting with some dipshit on your phone and hiding it from me. Then you started criticizing me and coming up with any and every reason you could to despise me. You made up stories in your head and invented scenarios that didn\u2019t really happen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re a fraud. You\u2019re a coward. You\u2019re a cheater and liar. You have no real values. You can\u2019t love anyone, but yourself. I doubt that you ever did. Shame on you. Shame on you for abandoning your family. Shame on you for caring more about getting your cat than seeing your daughter. Shame on you for being a coward. Shame on you for being wooed by some dipshit that just wanted to fuck you. Good on you. He\u2019ll fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and get bored of you and grow tired of skin folds and stretch marks and your floppy vagina. He\u2019ll get tired of your lies and you\u2019ll get bored with him. Maybe he does become a success, I guess it could happen. Lightning kills hundreds of people a year, so a communist could somehow stumble onto a business that works, I guess. And when he does, he\u2019ll drop you, faster than you bailed on your family. He\u2019ll find someone younger, prettier, smarter, less crazy. Because you are fucking nuts right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Karma is going to catch up to you. She\u2019s coming fast and furious and you\u2019ll receive 100 fold the pain you inflicted on those that love you. Your kidneys are dying. Your liver is dying. You\u2019re experiencing delusions like your Dad just before the tumor got him. You\u2019re aggressive. You\u2019re abusive. You\u2019re violent. You\u2019re insane. And you abandoned your family. You fell for it, just like a dumb little girl. Shame on you. I pity you. Put your faith in this loser dipshit and see where it takes you. A shitty apartment in Nashville. Good. It\u2019s where your redneck, white trash ass always belonged. You\u2019re a fucking born loser and you\u2019ll die a nothing. You\u2019ve only ever caused pain and destruction and it\u2019s not going to stop. Good. Keep it up and keep the fuck away from me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Love Always,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Clara<\/p>\n\n\n\n How do I feel? Relieved. Why? I\u2019m relieved because I’m no longer playing along with recovery. I\u2019m no longer participating. I\u2019m just nodding and smiling. Danielle was right. Say what I need to say to leave this place. Nod and smile, look shy, maybe cry some. I\u2019ll get whatever I want. They\u2019ll hold no more power over me. I\u2019m done with the propaganda. I\u2019m done with the pain. I don\u2019t want to feel anything any more. Give me the beautiful fucking numbing effect of my eating disorder, that sweet, sweet, true love of mine. I don\u2019t need Danielle. I don\u2019t need anyone. I have my ED and she sings to me her sweet, loving song. She comforts me when I\u2019m alone. She tells me, \u201cit\u2019s ok, you don\u2019t need anyone.\u201d And you know, contrary to the letters we\u2019ve read and the stories that are told, I think she\u2019s fucking right. I think she speaks the truth. I think as long as I never abandon her, she\u2019ll never abandon me, right to the end. \u201cWe all die alone?\u201d No, I\u2019ll die with her holding my hand and when we walk into the light, the beautiful glowing light, she\u2019ll guide me and take away my fear. She\u2019ll keep her promises, she doesn\u2019t lie. She\u2019s not a phoney, she\u2019s as authentic as they come and she\u2019s never been misleading in her purpose. We know what we want and we know how to get there. We know. You don\u2019t, but we do. I don\u2019t need your companionship, your friendship, your bullshit, we don\u2019t need you. Take everything you\u2019ve been tell me and go fuck yourself with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n How do I feel? Indifferent. Why? Betty just asked me if coming here and staying in treatment for 2+ months was worth it. \u201cNo,\u201d obviously not, was my first reply. But I can\u2019t say that\u2019s 100% true. My mental health has improved. My SI is virtually zero, my anxiety is getting better. I\u2019ve met some really great people, regardless of if I remain friends with them or not. But my eating disorder is stronger than ever. I want to embrace it and do it better this time. I want to take what I\u2019ve learned here and apply it to my ED. This time there\u2019s no one to hold me accountable, so fuck you all. I don\u2019t want to eat. I don\u2019t want recovery. I don\u2019t want to get better. I don\u2019t want phase II. I don\u2019t want PHP. I don\u2019t want to see anyone. I want to hide in my room and fall asleep. I\u2019m going to watch shitty TV and fall asleep. If I go to snack, I\u2019m not eating one bit or taking one sip. I\u2019ll eat breakfast tomorrow, but that\u2019s all I\u2019m going to eat for the day. I\u2019m done. I\u2019m done eating and I\u2019m done caring. Let it kill me. Or don\u2019t. I\u2019m not going to give a shit anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n