With every word and every breath<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nThese words were never about you. You want to have your narcissistic ego stroked so badly, you don\u2019t know what pushback means. You\u2019re not a punk. You\u2019re not even a rock kid. Maybe I wear too much makeup, too often. But at least I\u2019m doing it for myself. At least I have the courage to express myself beyond a band t-shirt and hipster talk. You\u2019re boring, dull and you\u2019ve stopped growing and reverted back to a 26 year old that wasn\u2019t even really you. You were sick, remember? Remember, you had to be medicated to regain your 22 year old sanity. \u201cRemembering who you are\u2026\u201d Bullshit. You\u2019ve reverted back to a hateful person that wreaked havoc on your life and cost you the career that you really wanted. You\u2019ve been blacked out, because you\u2019ve become what both Tom and LJG hate. You wouldn\u2019t be allowed to hangout with either one. Your girlfriend status doesn\u2019t make you special. And while we\u2019re talking about your boyfriend, when\u2019s he going to quit that gubment job? Marry a communist business owner, LMFAO. Good luck. Didn\u2019t he tell you his last GF broke up with him because he wouldn\u2019t spend enough on her. You little princess, enjoy driving your Honda. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speaking of boyfriends, I have a great one. His values include taking care of his friends, volunteering for the homeless, video game tournaments, and working out. He spends his day off volunteering, EVERY SINGLE WEEK. He loves me AND treats me well. He adores me. He doesn\u2019t care if I wear makeup or not. He doesn\u2019t care if I listen to Katy Perry or Shipping News. I\u2019m not defined by my band t-shirts, but rather my character. He\u2019s not an ABUSIVE FUCK, like you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
You\u2019re exactly what you hated about your Mom and your Dad. You\u2019re medicating your mental illness with alcohol now, just like Daddy. You\u2019re verbally abusive and physically abusive, just like Daddy. You sick fuck, you sexually harrased Josie. It happened. Denying it a million times doesn\u2019t make it not true. You\u2019re so broken, you don\u2019t even realize that you\u2019re a disgusting criminal, borderline rapist. Running away won\u2019t make your brain work better, only getting real help will. But your sycophants have let you convince them that nothing was EVER your fault, because you\u2019re a narcissist. Cluster B behaviors, Danielle. You\u2019re exhibiting all of them. It\u2019s ok, it will catch up to you sooner than later. Karma is a bitch she\u2019s coming for you. You\u2019re so terrified of death, but your kidneys and liver are DYING and they will kill you, maybe soon. You\u2019ll be drained and filled with chemicals and put in a casket, in a vault, where your body will mold and rot away slowly. You\u2019ll never rejoin the earth, because your sisters won\u2019t let that happen, they\u2019re too practical. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not angry, I\u2019m too disappointed in \u201cthe real you\u201d to be angry. Who misled who? Everything you promised to me and Juniper was a lie. Everything you promised to be was a lie. All of your supposed values were fake. Your identity crisis has made you even more bitter than you were before. You have no character. You\u2019re a coward. You\u2019re a fake. You\u2019re a liar. Yes, YOU, you\u2019re a LIAR. You\u2019re a thief. You\u2019re untrustworthy. You stole my journal and copied it, something you swore you\u2019d never do. You\u2019re unhinged. Out of control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m relieved. I no longer have to worry about being berated, shamed and hit. I no longer have to worry about your threats, you have no power over me now. You will never shame me again. You\u2019ll never hold power over me again. You\u2019ve got a new victim now. Congratulations. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re gone. And guess what, I FORGIVE YOU. I forgive the abuse, I forgive the lies, I forgive the betrayal. I forgive your non-sense story telling. I forgive narcissism. I forgive you for being a terrible mother. I forgive your alcoholism. I forgive you unchecked mental illness. I forgive you for breaking my ribs, blacking my eyes, biting my lip, calling me a faggot. I forgive you for it all. I\u2019m free from you now and I forgive you. You wanted your freedom, I\u2019ll never be there again, to pick you up. You\u2019re free and that\u2019s what makes you happy, right? Congrats, you\u2019re free. Free from your responsibilities that you signed up for. Free from being adored and cherished. Free from the person that shared your passions. Free. You\u2019re FUCKING FREE. Good on you. Guess what? I\u2019m free, too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I\u2019m a writer now, apparently and I\u2019m publishing my work. Apparently I know my values and I know who I am now. I\u2019m more than my relationship with you. I\u2019m proud of who I\u2019ve become and I\u2019ve found people that cherish and adore me. I\u2019m on my way up and you\u2019re about to drown in your own well and you\u2019re going to take everyone in your grasp down with you. That\u2019s what you do, you steal the energy of others, suck it dry and move on. My energy is being rebuilt and you\u2019ll never steal it from me again. I\u2019m free. Thank you. Thank you for running away. Thank you for declining to get help that you need. Thank you for leaving my life permanently. I\u2019m glad we\u2019ll never speak again. I\u2019m glad I\u2019ll never have to see your hate filled and cruel eyes again. I\u2019ll never have to cry because of you again. I\u2019ll never be told I can\u2019t sleep in my own bed. I\u2019ll love my daughter every day until I die, and I\u2019m going to live a long life. My kidneys aren\u2019t failing me. Death is coming for you, your body is falling apart. The outside is just a small representation of the inside. The saggy breast, the stretch marks, the scars. They\u2019re just a micro expression of how torn up your guts are. And when your health fails, you\u2019ll die alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m starting a new chapter, that\u2019s what my therapist calls it. In reality, I\u2019m writing a new book and you\u2019re not even a minor character. You\u2019re a tombstone that read, \u201cI ran, I lied, I died. Alone.\u201d And my life is about to be beautiful, filled with joy. Filled with connections with kind hearted people that care. Filled with people that aren\u2019t weighed down by their guilt or their failed accomplishments. And I\u2019m doing it to the soundtrack of Katy Perry, just as a final fuck you. I chose the soundtrack of my life, not you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now someone get me some clonazepam, that was a lot to feel and process. But the rest of my day is going to be splendid. I am beautiful, I am real and I am finding joy in all aspects of my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And now that we\u2019ve gotten those emotions out of the way, I want to make the rest of the day about feeling good, making progress and loving myself enough to do what I need to do to be healthy. That\u2019s the thing about abuse, it weighs you down and takes away your self-esteem, your feeling of self-worth. And once you escape it, you\u2019re essentially starting from the negatives and building from there. I choose to build my self-worth by accepting that I\u2019m not perfect and I don\u2019t always make perfect decisions, but I make my decision based on values instead of beliefs. Beliefs can be distorted and be influenced by cognitive dissonance, but values are what they are . Once you know your values, your decisions become easier and as you process the emotions surrounding those decisions, you start to feel worthy. That\u2019s the very thing that an abuser wants to take from you, your worthyness. If you don\u2019t feel worthy, then you deny yourself love. And if you deny yourself love, you seek it from your abuser, who dangles it like a carrot to control you for whatever purpose they choose. I think for Danielle, she felt threatened by my femininity. So she dangled the carrot so that I\u2019d behave in ways that were contrary to my authentic self. The ways that fit her mold of what a woman should be. Guess what, short hair and soiled clothes that she wears don\u2019t make her a badass bitch. Maybe a lazy and unoriginal one, but definitely not a badass. Being aggressive, scary even, doesn\u2019t make her a badass bitch either. It makes her an abusive one. Putting down others’ intellect to make herself feel big doesn\u2019t make her anymore smart, but it does make her a narcissist and an abuser. I\u2019m not ashamed of being who I am, I\u2019m proud that I stood up to be who I wanted to be, instead of her puppet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m proud of who I am. I am a woman. I have courage and strength, but I\u2019m delicate, too. You can be both, you don\u2019t have to choose. Yes, I have an eating disorder. Yes, I have mental health issues that I\u2019ll contend with for the rest of my life. But I don\u2019t let those things define me. They\u2019re just a single line in a long and beautifully written song. Yes, I survived abuse by an unhinged abuser, but that\u2019s only a bridge to the next verse of my song. And I\u2019m going to let my song play and be heard by anyone who wants to hear it. I\u2019m not scared, because I no longer have fear. I am accepted. I am loved. I am authentic. I am a good Mom. I am empathic. I am willing. I am here and I am fighting to live and I don\u2019t run away because of my fears. I embrace them with all the energy that I have and I grow and become a better human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know who said it, but the day we stop learning is the day we start dying and I continue to grow and learn. I\u2019m still young in my heart and it\u2019s reflected in my presentation, from head to toe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And now, given that it\u2019s Kristen\u2019s last day with us at ERC, I\u2019m wondering if she\u2019ll have time to hunt me down before lunch. I want to restrict my meals today and depending on what I ordered it may be easier or harder. The easiest way to restrict myself is to hide in my room and refuse to go to the cafe. Jack made the executive decision to split up our Aries table last night, I could have kicked him in the shin. Now I\u2019m in the back corner, facing the wall again. It\u2019s like the 2nd worst seat in the cafe. And they separated our important Aries spokeswoman, Priscilla, to another table with Rose. I didn\u2019t even get to have Rose at my table. WTF? What a let down. It\u2019s my last full week here and I want to sit with my favorite people and I really liked what we had going for us. Don\u2019t get me wrong, Maddie is great, Maggie is super cool and Anneluese (is that any closer) is definitely one of my favorites. Maybe I\u2019m too much for Priscilla anyways, at least that\u2019s where my anxious brain goes. She moved in the group room to a different seat and it threw me off my balance. I hate when people start moving around in the group room. I just get comfortable, start feeling safe and suddenly there is a shift in energy and I feel a void and wonder if it\u2019s something I\u2019ve done. Am I no longer interesting? Did I give off the wrong vibe? Is it just me being insecure? All very real and plausible possibilities in my anxious and overactive brain. Maybe I need a nap. Maybe after lunch I\u2019ll curl up outside of the nursing room and take a nice nap, just like I did yesterday. I like napping after lunch. I\u2019ll take some hydroxyzine and watch the rest of Euphoria and drift off to sleep. I don\u2019t have nightmares during my naps, only during my night time sleep. One more solid reason to nap more and sleep less at night. It\u2019s Nurse Bailey today, so I don\u2019t expect any special privilege or to be treated with particular kindness, but that\u2019s ok. If I do that, then I should be good going to PM snack and dinner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to play and sing today, but the group room is locked up and there\u2019s no one to hear me play. Actually, I\u2019m fine with the last part, but the group room being closed is a fucking problem. And the strangest thing with Monica\u2026 the 2nd time she was here on our unit, I asked her if we could have group outside and she was kind of snotty about the whole thing and just flat out said, \u201cNo. I can\u2019t do groups outside,\u201d followed by a list of weird excuses that were all complete bullshit. Every day she\u2019s been here since, she\u2019s had a group outside and they go great. I don\u2019t know what changed except maybe she didn\u2019t want to be outside those days and now she does. It\u2019s weird. I don\u2019t like being lied to, but I\u201dm not sure I can call this a lie, really. Maybe just some confusion. So strange, but that\u2019s how it is some days. Rules that don\u2019t make sense are the norm and others ignored. And then reversed because someone feels those rules no longer make sense. It\u2019s all very confusing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a weird fucking day. I just feel\u2026 odd. My anxiety has the best of me and I\u2019m tired. I got to see Juniper, which was really nice, of course. I get to see her again tomorrow, too, which is awesome. Tomorrow…****le sigh**** It\u2019s going to be a busy day of course, because of the holiday. I\u2019m pretty sure half of ERC has quit. And I just feel weird. Like the anxiety has just really ramped up today and I don\u2019t know why. I\u2019m stressed out. Maybe it\u2019s all the staff that\u2019s quit. Maybe it\u2019s people leaving, people moving, people stepping down. Maybe it\u2019s just talking to my mother and all this medicaid BS that we\u2019re having to deal with. I\u2019m just so fucking stressed. I’ve been restricting every meal and snack. Eating half or less of everything. I just, I want to feel something. I want to feel the hunger pains? I don\u2019t know. And this anxiety, I\u2019m climbing up the walls. It\u2019s the fucking Danielle dreams over and over again. She just won\u2019t leave me be. I just want to be left alone. It\u2019s this feeling of loneliness today, like I\u2019m not part of the picture. Like no one wants to talk to me or sit with me. I just feel isolated, so I\u2019m staying isolated. It\u2019s just this day, this fucking day. It feels odd, everything seems off. I just want to feel normal today and I don\u2019t. I feel stressed and stretched out, like a picture painted on a balloon that gets distorted when the balloon gets too big, just before it bursts. I feel like I\u2019m about to burst. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s starting this blog. Blogs are something I\u2019m good at. I\u2019ve got hundreds of pages of real, raw, human written content. I wonder if I\u2019ll have any readers. I wonder if Priscilla will come through with the editing. I guess I don\u2019t care. I should just post it all. Back date it and start posting, throw google analytics on there and see what the search engines think about my rambling mess of a novel. Ugh. I want to sleep. I wish I could take 2 more clonazepam and drink a glass of bourbon.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Danielle, I miss drinking bourbon with you. I miss cooking with you. I miss sharing a home with you. I miss being married to you. I miss you and I fucking hate it. I don\u2019t want to waste another second thinking about you, but when I\u2019m not thinking about Juniper, it\u2019s all I fucking do. I wonder how you are, if you\u2019re happy. If you need anything. I want so badly to hold you and hug you. I want to hear that everything is ok. I wish everything was just ok. I\u2019m so mad at you. You make me cry every fuckign day. I miss you while I\u2019m awake and when I sleep. You haunt my dreams, you torment me. You\u2019re making me cry right now. Right this fucking second, tears are pouring out of my eyeballs and my nose is all running. What the fuck? You\u2019re the love of my life, I\u2019m not just some bf that you toss to the side. We have a fucking child. We\u2019re a team and you fucking ditched us. You ditched us for some bullshit facade of rock and roll life and I hate you for it. You hurt us. You abandoned us and I need you. I need you to be in my life and you\u2019re gone. I\u2019m scared to email you. I\u2019m definitely too scared to call you, but all i fucking want is to hear you voice. I just want to hear you say it will all be ok. I want my normal back. I want to eat tacos with you and talk about music and basketball. I want to make plans with you that we never intend to carry out. I want to continue building OUR garden. It\u2019s OURS. What am I to do with it now? I want to hear every wild thought that passes through your head. All I want is for you to come home. It\u2019s our home and without you it’s just a hollow house. I\u2019m hollow without you. Why did you do this? Why would you abandon us? We\u2019re your family. Stop making me cry. Stop hurting me. When is it going to stop hurting? When will I stop feeling like my guts have been torn from my insides and twisted and smashed and slashed? I didn\u2019t forget you for 15 fucking years and then we married. You think we can just move on? You really think this is going to work? How could it? I\u2019ll never have a normal life again. I\u2019ll never be satisfied and I\u2019ll never have a place I can call home. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. I want you to get better and wake up and realize that you still have a family and you made promises to us. Big, BIG promises and you\u2019re betraying your own values by betraying us. This is not you. You wouldn\u2019t do this. Where are you? Where is the girl that I love and promised my life to? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck food. Fuck eating. You\u2019re at least 75% of the reason this started and you haunt me, every fucking night. So today, fuck food. I\u2019m not going to eat. I am going to die because of this illness and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I\u2019m going to spend the next week fasting, except for water and breakfast. I\u2019m done with snacks and I\u2019m done with lunch and dinner. I just want breakfast and coffee. Fuck eating. Fuck food. I don\u2019t want to eat. I don\u2019t want to eat. I don\u2019t want to eat. My mantra that got me through the weeks you spent away. It\u2019s going to be my mantra again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ironically, now the entire unit is standing around chatting and watching funny videos. I\u2019m really lonely today. I miss my family. I miss my relationship. I miss texting my best friend every little thing throughout the day. I miss her texting me to find out what I\u2019m doing or how I am. You fucking bitch, you\u2019re making me cry again. It just won\u2019t stop. You just won\u2019t stop. I\u2019m a real fucking person with real feelings, not something you can just decide one day to stop loving. I\u2019m not a pound puppy that you can drop back off at the pound when you decide I\u2019m too much work. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck eating. I told you, if we ever split up, I\u2019m dead. Not suicide, just loss of will to live. I haven\u2019t moved on and not for lack of trying. But there\u2019s this piece missing. The conversations, the back and forth, the hours of chit chat about nothing and everything and everything being nothing and so on\u2026 It\u2019s absolutely cruel what you did. Cutting off communication, why? Why can\u2019t we just talk like normal. Why can\u2019t things just be normal? You said we\u2019d be friends. You said you will always love me. Stop making me cry. Stop it. Stop hurting me. You\u2019re still hurting me. I\u2019m giving up right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck food. Fuck eating. Let it kill me. Let my heart collapse while I sleep. Stop the flow of energy to my brain and maybe the thoughts will finally stop. I can\u2019t do this anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is one of those days, one of the difficult struggle days. This is one of those days where my thoughts are just too much. Where my brain is just working too hard. Where everything is moving too fast and I just need sleep. I just need to rest and sleep a dreamless sleep and wake up tomorrow and try again. Because if I had to make the choice today, I\u2019d quit and give up. But I don\u2019t entirely want to give up, but I don\u2019t want to carry on either. This is the problem, indecision. Make a choice, stick with it and don\u2019t back down. Yesterday I felt so normal and today I feel so odd. I feel like my brain is spinning like a roulette wheel and I\u2019m waiting for it to fucking stop. Please just fucking stop. Stop thinking, stop seeing, stop hearing, stop, stop, stop. Slow the fuck down and stop. Please. I\u2019m dizzy and tired and I just want it to stop.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today feels kind of odd. I had another Danielle dream last night, albeit not as intense as the glass smashing one. I feel strangely shy today and my outfit and makeup scream for attention. I kind of want to wash my face and change into something less bright, especially since my mother is coming today, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=46"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":47,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46\/revisions\/47"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=46"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=46"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=46"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}