Devastating. My brand new baby pink shirt and I somehow got MASCARA on it. Tide pen to the rescue. Yeh, sort of, but not 100%. I don’t think it\u2019s noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. I know it\u2019s there. How depressing. Depression level, 11\/10. Grrr. I had to change. We\u2019ll use music for mood enhancement. And today it is Katy Perry. I want to dance and sing, if only in my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My dreams sucked last night, again. This time it was my father\u2019s father, my brother, and Dad and we were eating dinner at what we now call a very retro table and kitchen. Spaghetti with hamburgers that I had to cut up myself. Yes, the combination is strange and I\u2019m not sure of the reason. And I couldn\u2019t stop eating. They were all impressed with how much I was eating. Plate after plate and I just couldn\u2019t get full. It was such a weird fucking dream. I feel like my dreams are taunting me. At least it wasn\u2019t Danielle this time. Thank fucking god, it wasn\u2019t Danielle. Just more dead grandparent shaming. So, I\u2019m writing the following letter to my dead grandparents:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dear Dead Grandpas and Grandmas:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m still alive. You\u2019re not. It\u2019s 2026 and lots of things have changed in the 15 years since you died, probably because most, if not all, of your generation is dead. For instance, we had a black president that did a pretty good job. Turns out that being racist is not ok and we are getting better (although it\u2019s not perfect) at judging people by the content of their character and not by some clan, tribe, skin color or whatever. We don\u2019t live in clans anymore. That shit is so First century. As it turns out, race, gender, age, sexuality and anything else that you used to shame, have nothing to do with what type of person they are. And this is working out so well for me. Keep reading.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Science has taught us a lot and as it turns out, most of those old ways of thinking were wrong and based completely on bullshit fantasy land shit. Values have moved towards everyone being equal. We\u2019re not there yet, but we want it. My generation and the ones that followed me are more accepting. Again, this is working out well for me. More on that in a minute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So recently you\u2019ve been visiting me in my dreams and it hasn\u2019t been a friendly hello. You\u2019ve been trying to shame me in your weird dream-like way. It\u2019s creepy and it\u2019s making me feel bad, so I\u2019d like it if you\u2019d knock off. Stay in your ghost land and out of my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As it turns out, sometimes our gender and our body don\u2019t exactly match. So far the science is saying it\u2019s probably due to hormone surges during pregnancy that occur after the body is formed (penis or vagina) but before our brains are done growing. It\u2019s real. It\u2019s happening. Actually, it\u2019s been happening for thousands of years. The difference is that modern medicine has a way to support me and allow me to live authentically. Even though it\u2019s somewhat controversial, it\u2019s being accepted, slowly but surely. The main group of people pushing back are white nationalists and no one should align with their values, because they\u2019re fucking nuts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So anyways, I\u2019ve picked a new name, Clara. I\u2019m going through puberty for the second time, this time the correct puberty and I intend to live my life as this person, because this is who I am. If you don\u2019t like it, that’s fine. But keep your opinions to yourself and stay out of my dreams. I have enough going on right now, I don\u2019t need to be shamed and what you\u2019re doing isn\u2019t actually helping in any way. I\u2019m proud of who I am and who I\u2019ve become. I\u2019m not angry all the time any more, I have a whole range of feelings and emotions that I never even knew existed. The world is brighter and when I look in the mirror, I see the person that I\u2019ve felt like inside my whole life. My values have changed, too. Instead of success that I used to view as a title and the size of my paycheck, my values are empathy, love and compassion for my fellow human beings. All human beings, for exactly as they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I love you all and miss you all, but since you\u2019ve died, the world has become a more compassionate place and we\u2019re all better for it. Respectfully, don\u2019t harass me anymore, please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Love Always,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Clara<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The day continues. Breakfast was absolutely lovely. Tablemates today include Priscilla, Katerina (butchered spelling, so sorry), Maggie and Kylee. It\u2019s a delightful table of Aries + one Leo (we think). Conversation topics included: Hellen Keller, Community, Ablism, this writing, Priscilla\u2019s Mom\u2019s seeing Nirvana play in her dorm right after they released Bleached, and so much more. I was so caught up in conversation, I almost didn\u2019t finish my breakfast. Well, that and the fact that bagels that aren\u2019t incredibly fresh take so damn long to chew. Not my fault really. Rose didn\u2019t have her phone, so we asked her to just make up the Morning Cup of Joe and famous birthdays included her long lost twin, my long lost twin and Maggie\u2019s long lost twin. So apparently, it\u2019s all of our birthdays as well. SO EXCITING! I always wanted birthday twins. Since we\u2019re technically out an MC today, Katerina(I swear I\u2019m going to look up the proper spelling of your name and fix it) made a motion for more room time today. I quickly seconded the motion, took a voice vote and ayes clearly outnumbered the nays. The motion passed. Priscilla responded with, \u201cI love democracy.\u201d lol. It was just one of those cute moments during the day where the group felt very unified, even if this was a non-binding resolution to simply make our voices heard. Sunny and Sara laughed, but Sunny is probably pretty pliable to make something like that actually happen. This isn\u2019t a pipe dream, last holiday weekend when we didn\u2019t have an MC they actually did leave rooms open for most of the day. I really wish that was standard for weekends here. It would break up the, \u201cEveryday is the same\u201d feeling that we joke about, but is absolutely real. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It sucks when you see your friends struggling and Rose has had a rough few weeks. Yesterday they searched her room and took a bunch of stuff out. I don\u2019t know what and it\u2019s none of my business, so I didn\u2019t ask. But, being the target of a roomsearch myself, I know how the invasion into privacy feels. They just took my belt and some headbands and had a reason to do so. It looked like they took a bin of stuff and I know that had to feel terrible. Rose was supposed to go on pass today and get her nails done, but she was absent from quite a few meals this last week, so they took that away from her and I\u2019m sure it\u2019s a massive disappointment. When I told her I was here if she needed anything, we just had the ground hog\u2019s day talk and this was supposed to be her outing that was going to break up the monotony and claustrophobia that being stuck on the unit causes. I just worry, she was doing so well and then this week seemed really tough. That\u2019s how recovery goes. \u201cNot linear,\u201d they say. We all know it\u2019s true, but it doesn\u2019t make the lows any easier. It still feels like a failure or like we\u2019re letting someone down. Ourselves, our peers, our team, the nurses, the BHTs, or our family, etc. At least that\u2019s my take on it. My true mantra is, \u201cyou only fail when you give up,\u201d but a failure still feels like a failure. Failure brings out big emotions and some days we\u2019re less resilient than others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I really wanted to do a makeup trial today and get help for tomorrow. I\u2019ll ask someone today if they\u2019ll help me tomorrow morning. I want hair ideas too. The headband is cute and all, but isn\u2019t there something, anything else I can do? I just want to look cute for Brandon\u2019s visit tomorrow. He asked if I like wearing dresses, so I\u2019m planning on wearing the cutest dress and I want the makeup and hair to match. I\u2019m excited. I wish he was coming today, but he\u2019s off hiking in the mountains this weekend, so I\u2019m just grateful that he\u2019s coming Sunday. Our visits have been really good as it has given us a chance to get to know each other, probably what I should have done months ago, but there was the whole weird Danielle jealousy thing that I was dealing with. She was actively going to her boyfriend\u2019s house and playing house with him, but I wasn\u2019t allowed to date. I could write a whole book on the things Danielle said and did in the months leading up to me being here. It\u2019s a tragedy with tons of irony and some laughs mixed in. I don\u2019t think I want to go there today. Maybe later. We\u2019ll see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s always interesting when we don\u2019t have enough staff here. Today it\u2019s Sara and Sunny, which is cool, they\u2019re both nice enough. It should be a chill day, I hope. It\u2019s a long weekend, which for the normal working world is a good thing, but for us here at the hospital, it means services are delayed, no therapist, no dietician and no mail until Tuesday. Three days may not sound like a lot, but it can feel like forever if you\u2019re waiting on a package. I need toothpaste, I need my Kudos gift for Belle (I know what I want to get her, but have to order it.) I\u2019ll have to make due with what I have for the weekend I guess. But hey, let\u2019s look at the brightside, reframing and all\u2026 I\u2019m going to set up the blog today, so I have to set up the server, pick a theme, and find plugins that I want to use. It\u2019s been a minute since I\u2019ve set up a WP blog, but I\u2019ve done this 1000 times. The hardest part is the server setup, it\u2019s a lot of linux command prompt shit that I\u2019ll have to lookup. I still prefer to set up my own server vs. using managed options. I could reach out to Rico for help. He\u2019s my Danish coder friend who does server management for my former boss, but that could lead to questions that I don\u2019t want to answer. I\u2019ve ghosted those guys and I’m not sure I want to reappear, especially right now. Priscilla is going to help me edit and post and hopefully guest post. I was going to ask Katy if she wants to guest post, too. Maybe see what Priscilla thinks, we\u2019re keeping this lo-key for the time being. I\u2019m projecting 80 hours of work to get everything up and looking nice. Also, since I can\u2019t take pictures of people here, it\u2019s against the rules, I need to figure out imagery to add to the site. Blogs that are all text are usually more utility blogs, for informational purposes. I want this to be more of a story of my journey and think some imagery is going to be necessary to make it flow. Also, still on the fence on <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m just not sure if I want to out myself like that quite yet. It could be dangerous. I mean, what if people actually decide to read this. Other problems to solve include the domain name which I think has to be the title of my writing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Also, as I think about posting this, I really kind of get anxious. I mean, some of it is just ranting, some of it really negative and some of it probably just sounds like rambling and doesn\u2019t really serve a purpose. I\u2019m so ADHD and I think it shows in my writing, because sometimes my thoughts can be all over the place and I\u2019m not sure it makes sense to a normal person that\u2019s reading it. With that said, I\u2019m actually very proud of this content, including the negative thoughts. Life isn\u2019t kittens in baskets with bowties. It\u2019s up and it\u2019s down, back and forth, good and bad. Authenticity counts and I think that\u2019s what separates great artists from mediocre or poor ones. Grit is relatable. I have grit by the truckload, but I think I also feature a bowtied kitten or two sometimes, too. Happiness or success can be relatable, too, right? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember one of the conversations I had with Connie when she was here was how clicky it was, especially my first couple of weeks here. She told me how when she first got here, it wasn\u2019t like that at all. It was something developed with a few of the patients that had been here 3-4 weeks before I got here. Most of them ended up leaving AMA. Connie left shortly after to go back to Boston, where she had a fancy job at a major insurance company. She got her master\u2019s from Cornell and was super smart. I admired her a lot, but at that point I was having trouble connecting with people here. As the names of patients have changed, so has the inclusivity, IMO. There is this really beautiful feeling of unity among everyone here now. I love that and I love feeling like I\u2019m right in the middle of the chain binding us all together. It\u2019s unique, I haven\u2019t really ever been around this before. I feel very comfortable and so supported. A few days ago when I missed all those meals, Betty said I was missed and I think others shared that sentiment. I had so much self-doubt and I was wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
10:15 and it\u2019s snack time. This is the time of day when anxiety starts to snowball. I want to try and sit in the discomfort today. Maybe I can harness that energy instead of fleeing from it. It\u2019s game time, [insert some stupid sports analogy here]. Why are sports analogies always football, baseball or basketball? Why not women\u2019s figure skating or gymnastics? Fuck the patriarchy. What if this nervous, anxious energy is the part of my brain where all my creativity comes from and I\u2019ve been silencing that part of the brain, everyday. \u201cSit in the discomfort.\u201d Embrace it. Feel it and let it dissipate. It\u2019s the motto of therapists, dieticians,MCs and BHTs alike. Even the psychiatrists and therapists say this. But then, the therapists give you coping skills and psychiatrists give you drugs to bring your discomfort down to a, \u201cManageable level.\u201d And who determines what that level is? My threshold for anxiety is virtually zero right now and the only relief I get is when I\u2019m sleeping and I\u2019m not \u201cawake\u201d in my dreams or I forget them as soon as I wake up. I\u2019m on 4 medications to manage anxiety, hydroxyzine, lexapro, clonazepam and buspar and I swear I\u2019m still 8\/10 before lunch. And group is so hard when anxiety gets higher than 8. The energy is mostly positive in group, but I as a group, we all grow more restless with each meal and snack. And maybe it\u2019s that energy that I\u2019m picking up on? I very much believe that tiny, micro expressions and body language that signal to everyone else that anxiety is higher. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our group ice breaker was, \u201cName a famous scientist,\u201d and I went with Marie Curry and her work with radiation. If I remember correctly, she conducted the gold foil experiment alongside her husband. She died from radiation related cancer I think. I\u2019m pulling this out of my 11th grade education, so I make no claims to accuracy. Sunny says Einstein solved eating disorders with the falling man experiment. A person in a vacuum that\u2019s falling doesn\u2019t feel their own weight (until they hit the ground). Going up 11.2 km\/sec2 you feel crushing pain and experience the pain long enough to no longer feel the pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
E = MC2<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Eat = more consistently squared<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel sick. It was a good analogy, but it\u2019s heavy and hard to swallow. I\u2019m supposed to experience the pain long enough that I\u2019ll not experience the pain any longer. I guess I\u2019m not at or through the acceptance part of the analogy yet, because I find it hard to believe that I can exist without pain or the eating disorder. Belief is a motherfucker. For a lesson about sitting with the pain long enough to reach the weightlessness of outer space, that sure was fucking painful and my brilliant idea to not take the clonazepam before hand\u2026 I don\u2019t know\u2026 I am feeling beaten down. Why? Because I can\u2019t escape the facts and the facts are that the \u201cjoys\u201d that the eating disorder gives me aren\u2019t counterbalanced by the weight of death, which is much heavier. But then I go back to the fact that I know the eating disorder wants to kill me and there are days when I feel totally okay with that. Somedays I even ask for it. I didn\u2019t have to come here to learn or accept that part of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there are days like today where I wake up feeling mostly rested, shower and get dressed. And from the moment I see my peers, I\u2019m happy to be alive to see them. I\u2019m happy to be alive to talk to Juniper and even my Mom. I\u2019m excited about coffee and the conversation that comes with it. I\u2019m excited to sit at the Aries table. I feel like I\u2019ve found my people. I feel appreciated and wanted. People other than Danielle are interested in me. Girls that aren\u2019t afraid to challenge my thoughts and aren\u2019t intimidated by me. I love that. I feel at home and everything happening feels so normal. These are good days and perhaps I\u2019ll struggle less today. I feel hope and hope is a motherfucker, too, because it gives you the internal reasons to persevere. It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve had hope. A really long time. This feeling of normalcy, I don\u2019t want it to go away. I want to catch it with my eyes, ears, nose, tongue, fingers and stuff it in a bottle and put it high upon a shelf, so it\u2019s safe from being stolen, but I can use it whenever I want. Why am I feeling this way? Because there are people here that understand me and that\u2019s something I convinced myself couldn\u2019t exist outside of my relationship with Danielle. Even though I know that at the end of it all, she never really understood me and she wasn\u2019t interested in getting to know me. She\u2019s poser and authenticity means nothing to her, it\u2019s not her value. Well, it is mine. I\u2019m claiming it for the first time ever. I proclaim that my values include being my authentic self, regardless of the consequences, because everyone deserves the chance to express themselves as their brain sees and feels they should be, so long as they don\u2019t harm others in doing so. And being that this is one of my core values, I will no longer accept anyone in my life that doesn\u2019t share this value and express themselves authentically, because I want to be surrounded by positive influences that not only accepts my authenticity, but celebrates it with me. We should cherish ourselves and each other. I feel cherished, because I have friends that accept and relish in my authenticity. They bring out the most authentic me and we celebrate that. We admire each other\u2019s courage and strength and thereby form a connection which is the foundation of the support that I\u2019ve longed for and needed. This feels good. It feels real. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve taken too much bad advice from Danielle, who in the end thought I was dumb, a waif, a cunt, a bitch, a slut, a whore, vain and superficial, all because I wanted to express myself as a girl differently than she expresses herself. Her advice was bad and I never should have taken it to heart. Yesterday in therapy, I was on the cusp of crying, because I thought about my lost connection with Danielle. I wish I had cried, because that pain was real. But what is even more real is how I feel now. I\u2019m not alone in this world. There are other people that understand and appreciate me and I don\u2019t have to feel shame or guilt anymore. That\u2019s a burden worth shaking off of my shoulders. Those feelings weren\u2019t my values, they only kept me from being authentic. Danielle\u2019s harsh criticisms didn\u2019t fan my flame, they tried to extinguish it and came really close to doing just that. But Danielle is a phoney that feels threatened by authenticity. Maybe she is smart, but she\u2019s not smart enough to recognize the things that make me unique are my most authentic qualities. I am NOT broken and I never was. My heart aches for Danielle, but not because I miss her, but because I know that the real authentic Danielle is a cold narcissistic bigot that offers this world nothing but her hatred of others. She always told me she was a bad person. That may have been the most authentic thing she ever told me about herself. The rest was just a mask and watching that mask fall off is a disgusting reveal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
12:49, I barely made it halfway through lunch and got up and left. I\u2019m way too sensitive, but Sara kind of snapped at me and it really hurt my feelings for some reason. We were talking about extra room time. I realize that she\u2019s just enforcing the rules and I wasn\u2019t mad at her for saying after dinner, she would open rooms back up. That\u2019s what we always do, but I was just telling her last time we had a holiday weekend like this and we didn\u2019t have a real MC, they let us have a little extra downtime. I think it was Easter weekend. I wasn\u2019t trying to be a bitch, but she got really defensive and snapped at me. Now is one of those moments where I can feel the cry in my chest and behind my eyes, but I\u2019m not crying. I want to, because I want that release and that flood of neurotransmitters and hormones. I want to feel better about the situation. I got up and excused myself from the table after I ate my green bean salad, one square of my grilled cheese, and drank my water. I just didn\u2019t want to sit within sight of Sara\u2019s gaze for the rest of lunch. I\u2019m sorry if I let Maggie and Katerina down. But this wasn\u2019t just normal discomfort, my feelings were actually hurt. Sara asked me if I was ok after we were out of the cafe. I know she didn\u2019t mean anything by it. I can be realistic and honest and say, she was just reacting in her natural way. But that didn\u2019t make it any less hurtful. She snapped like I said and did something wrong, even though I know I didn\u2019t. I won\u2019t let this spoil my day. I took some hydroxyzine and I may curl up next to nursing for the next group or maybe I’ll do the opposite action and go to group. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The extra room time feels warranted today because our first group ran over and I just didn\u2019t feel like I got a chance to rest. My brain feels over stimulated and my body feels tired and weak. I feel less energized than I did before lunch and a little nap would do me good. Sorry Dr. Parsley, but I need some rest during the day. I\u2019ve been using this routine of being up at night and then having downtime during the day for a while and it works. Maybe not as well as just getting a good night’s rest, but it works. Also, I want to hide. I don\u2019t want to face the group since I got up and left. Danielle would call me a pussy or some other horrible name, but my feelings are valid and my emotions are real. I don\u2019t feel bad. I\u2019m ok not completing lunch. I plan on going to snacks and dinner. I need some music to put me in a better headspace, so I can rejoin the community for the rest of the day. I\u2019m thinking Lorde and maybe listen to one of her albums instead of the \u201cIt\u2019s Lorde\u201d playlist. Maybe a start and a finish will help me feel a range of emotions and feel a sense of closure, for lack of a better word, around how I\u2019m feeling right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is my safe space, right outside the nurses exam room. Over the last week, when I felt down or weak or sad, this is where I would come sit. I don\u2019t even want to check in with the nurse, I only trust Nurse Brandon right now. Nurses Bailey, Marie and Alana all seem to be on some weird wavelength that just doesn\u2019t feel good to me. I blame Nurse Bailey for this. Again, probably just me being too sensitive, but it\u2019s how I feel. I\u2019m disappointed and let down. Trust is such a huge part of this whole eating disorder thing and not just for me. It\u2019s something I\u2019ve heard a lot of us say, over and over again. And Nurse Bailey broke my trust. Intent vs. impact, I know she didn\u2019t mean to, just like I know Sara wasn\u2019t trying to be hateful to me. But the impact is the same, regardless. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maggie just came up to me, \u201cClara, what\u2019s the code for the cabinet?\u201d Well, since you asked, it\u2019s 1824. I\u2019d suggest jotting it down and hiding it in your room somewhere. It\u2019s not that I intend to get into the cabinet when there\u2019s no staff present, I still make them open it for me. I mean, they left the stupid keycard sitting on the desk and this is the 2nd time in two months that it\u2019s gone missing. Last time it reappeared from out of nowhere on the floor, outside of the sharps cabinet. I found it. I guarantee I won\u2019t be finding it this time, even if I find it. Geez, not going to make myself look guilty. But even staff have to admit that it\u2019s convenient that I know it. I mean, fuck, yesterday they were already cutting down Splataaaah time by 15 minutes and the card was gone. If they had to message around to all the right people to get the code, that shit would have taken 25 minutes and we have bodies that need to smell and look beautiful. There\u2019s no time to waste in the morning. We have places to be, bitches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It sounds like Sunny is talking about a movie for group. I think that\u2019s a solid enough reason to skip out on group and hang out next to nursing. Maybe I\u2019ll watch that Kevin Bacon show. It\u2019s getting pretty good, for the sort of cheesy, ex-FBI-agent-with-a-drinking-problem-and-lack-of-self control-gone-rogue-but-must-be-present-to-find-the-genius-seriel-killer-slash-cult-leader. Yes, it wreaks of network TV. And is the role waaaaaaaaay to shallow for award winning Kevin fucking Bacon? Yes, it is. Besides, he plays a better bad guy than a fallen super hero seeking redemption. But, none-the-less, I\u2019m in too deep now and that’s all I\u2019ve got. And as far as missing group goes, we always start movies in there and then everyone just kind of quietly gets up and starts doing their own thing, mostly in the hallway or if they can get their room opened, in their room. I\u2019m not exactly ducking out on everyone, because they\u2019ll all duck out 10 minutes into the movie. Maybe it\u2019s the G rated movies that we all find kind of annoying. I mean, I like watching G rated stuff with Juniper sometimes, but I don\u2019t typically watch Hannah Montana love stories for funzies. I\u2019m not even complaining, I\u2019m just stating a fact. I want some depth if I\u2019m going to commit my eyes and ears to the screen for an hour and fifteen minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay., they did open rooms for a few extra minutes, after the last group. I guess that\u2019s what Sara was trying to say. She just said it in a way that made me feel small and insignificant or like I had said something wrong. After the years of hearing Danielle talk down to me, maybe that\u2019s part of the reason I\u2019m extra sensitive when people use a harsh tone with me. It\u2019s me, not them, I need to grow thicker skin. I can work on that, add it to the list of imperfections that could make me feel broken, but in light of my recent revelation are part of who I am. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have the ever so slightest bit of guilt around my ED behaviors today. I guess I\u2019m restricting, calorie counting or some other dumb ED behavior. But it kind of feels like justice for being talked to in such a harsh way. I think patience and understanding are two of the main components when working with the mentally ill. We have compounding issues leading to our ED and even just raising your voice or saying something with a condescending tone has a real effect. We are, after all, real people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Something worth mentioning and that I\u2019m rather proud of is my much improved front kick which I\u2019ve developed in the Splataaah in toilet stalls. It wasn\u2019t something I planned on learning, but I do give my 11 months of taekwondo complete credit. Learning it again was like riding a bike. Why the front kick you ask? Are perverts looking beneath the stalls, trying to catch a glimpse of the no-no square or panties on the floor? No! Eww! It\u2019s because these toilets have a flush button that is on the wall and when you push it with your hand, sometimes it squirts water at you. Also, unwashed and unsanitary hands have no doubt touched the button and there\u2019s no telling what a bacteria culture might grow, should it be swabbed and plated or whatever. I think it\u2019s part of ERC culture and almost a rite of passage to develop a solid front kick to flush the toilet, after it\u2019s properly checked of course. I was hesitant at first, I mean it\u2019s been decades since I\u2019ve really tried to kick anything. And I wear shoes that mostly slip on, so there is the very real concern that a shoe could wind up in an unflushed toilet. But facts are facts, the buttons shoot toilet water down and sometimes directly at you when you push them. I know it\u2019s clean toilet water and probably nothing to be afraid of, but it is toilet water and I\u2019m not a plumber, so I think that\u2019s gross. I think I first noticed Rose doing the toilet flush kick on my first day here. And I was left wondering, why not just use your hand and give it a push. But then, upon my first use of stall #4 it all came to light, there\u2019s something not quite right about these toilet flushing mechanisms. Rose was right. These toilets must be flushed with a kick and a kee-yaaa. Only, I don’t really do the kee-yaa part, because that would be weird and everyone in the bathroom would wonder what the hell is wrong with me. \u201cIt\u2019s my training. I was a yellow belt 4 stripe almost ready to test for my green belt. They emphasized the importance of belting out a loud \u2018kee-yaaaa\u2019 whenever you do a punch or a kick.\u201d But I fear that, alas, no one would appreciate my formal training from when I was 8 and I doubt it would catch on with the rest of the group. It would make me an \u201cother,\u201d and that\u2019s simply something I don\u2019t want to do. So if you find yourself at ERC and ready to make a flush, don\u2019t feel bad using your feet, but don\u2019t bother with the kee-yaaa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m the only one here wearing sunglasses, which does have me greatly worried about the unprotected status of everyone else\u2019s retinas. Don\u2019t they know, per Danielle\u2019s dumb ass, this could cause a much unwanted separation. I mean, Danielle said it, so it\u2019s probably bullshit, but it is a great excuse to bust out the Gucci glasses. And with recent trend of dressing up every day, I finally don\u2019t feel like a fucking asshole for wearing ultra mod pink Gucci\u2019s when I\u2019m catching some rays on the patio. I don\u2019t mean to brag, but these things are fucking bangers and look so fucking good on my face. I could be wearing a Burger King work shirt and one of those cardboard crowns that they give and these glasses would still make me look cool, like I know something about fashion and Burger King that nobody else knows. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just wish my hair was longer. I\u2019m going to grow it down past my shoulders for the first time ever. I think the longest I\u2019ve had it was to my shoulders and even then, it wasn\u2019t cut right. I also want to commit to you all, here and now, that I\u2019m going to spend a little more time out in the sun this summer. My hair bleaches out to white if I just let the sun do its job; And even if I don\u2019t stay outside enough to get a tan, I get these really amazing natural highlights. That\u2019s what I\u2019m thinking about right now, natural fucking hair highlights. That and finally wearing that dress tomorrow. Brandon better show up. I have no reason to think he won\u2019t, he\u2019s been here every weekend and only came one time when they wouldn\u2019t let him come up. I was as guilty for not getting him on the list as he was for showing up 20 minutes late. But the fact that he was here still meant a lot to me. It\u2019s the thought that really matters. And tomorrow he should make it on time. Also, they might give us a little extra time tomorrow, because it\u2019s a holiday weekend and we\u2019ll probably be short staffed again. And sometimes they forget about us in the telephone room, which is, in fact, the best room to find yourself in, should your boyfriend come for a visit. I do have a list of concerns:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Conclusion, I\u2019ll just ask for help. I know Betty will help. It\u2019d be neat if Belle or Priscilla helped with my eye makeup, it\u2019s such an important part, maybe the most important part. It\u2019s going to be fine. I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m so excited about this visit. I guess it\u2019s just because it\u2019s the last visit before we get to actually see each other outside of the hospital in over 2 months and I\u2019m wearing something special that I bought just for him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s 7:03 and the day is coming to a close. All the stress that builds until dinner time is finally over and it\u2019s just one snack left. The snack that I\u2019m going to pretend I\u2019m asleep for and try to skip. It\u2019s just cookies and milk, but I\u2019m trying to shave off as many calories from the day as I can without drawing too much attention. Yes, that\u2019s the eating disorder, but it\u2019s also me, the human, that doesn\u2019t want to gain weight. I\u2019m not comfortable with it. Not even another .5 lb. My team knows that. They know I\u2019m going to fight kicking and screaming to any meal plan increase. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s so magical about PHP that they think they can suddenly get me to change my mind and start eating more and suddenly think weight restoration is a good idea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yes, I want to be healthy and I want recovery, but no I don\u2019t want the changes that come with it. It\u2019s so weird because I\u2019ve been through drug rehab and all that bullshit about having to go through all those layers to be pain free\u2026 non-existent. I went to rehab because I was tired of waking up and figuring when and how I was going to get cocaine for the day. Then I had to figure out how to do it and not get caught or bitched at. I had to try and keep a job where it was really fucking obvious that I was blitz out of my mind. And that shit was expensive as fuck. $9000\/month for over a year. And it wasn\u2019t even a good blow. Shit was cut all to hell and probably had fentanyl in it. The only thing that really feels familiar is that I was willing to let the drugs kill me, just like I was willing to let the ED kill me. Similarly, I don\u2019t want to die from drugs or an ED. But that doesn\u2019t mean that I have acceptance. And with drugs it was so simple. Go to rehab, 29 days later I checked myself out AMA and went home. I had one relapse 6 months later that lasted 2 weeks and cost about $2500, just before Christmas. Then I told on myself. I call Danielle and told her what was going on. She came and got me. She didn\u2019t yell, she didn\u2019t fuss, she just told me she loved me and was glad I came to her. I haven\u2019t touched the shit since and I haven\u2019t even really been tempted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this eating disorder gives me something so much better than a 15 minute high. It gives me the confidence that I really wanted. It makes me feel the way I want to feel all the time. This eating disorder is so much harder to quit than drugs. Danielle said I\u2019d fail at this. That I\u2019d say whatever I had to say to get out of here and then I\u2019d go right back to what I was doing. I\u2019m still here, I asked them to let me stay longer. And now I\u2019m committed to going to PHP. I don\u2019t want to, I want to quit and go home. But I\u2019m going. I just hope the lightbulb goes off sometime soon because I\u2019m getting tired of lying to myself and saying I want recovery when really all I want is to stop eating, retrain my brain to ignore hunger again and start losing the weight that I\u2019ve gained while I\u2019ve been here. I\u2019m waiting for that, \u201cEureka!\u201d moment that has yet to materialize. When do I get my moment? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not tonight. Tonight I\u2019m refusing HS snack. Sorry to disappoint my Aries kindred. I really like being in there with them at our table. It\u2019s a special group, they really are my people. But if I go, I\u2019m going to eat my snack and I don\u2019t want to eat the snack, so I don\u2019t want to go. Ohhhh. Such a conundrum. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I ate some cookies, I took a few sips of milk, but I was mostly able to restrain myself to about \u00be of one cookie and 2 sips of milk. I drank all my water and all my tea to take up as much of the 15 minutes as I could and once time had elapsed, I stopped munching, save 2 very small bites. It\u2019s really the fluids, the tea in particular that allowed me to slow down my eating and restrict. I like to have control over how much I eat. It gives me a sense of power and accomplishment. I feel kind of bad if that influences anyone else, but I just wanted to cut my calories today and given that it\u2019s a long weekend, I won\u2019t have to answer for it until Tuesday. So I would count today as a success. I ate all of my breakfast, because I like breakfast, even though bagels aren\u2019t my favorite. I ate my broccoli and one square of grilled cheese for lunch. See above, I got upset with Sara and probably for the wrong reason, but it was a real feeling and I left the cafe because I couldn\u2019t handle it. I attended dinner and completed it, it was just a PB&J which is pretty easy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tonight we had girls night in Splataaah with eye masks courtesy of Ella which was so fun. I feel so included. Priscilla said it made me look so cute. Why are you so nice to me Priscilla? I have such a girl crush on you. Not romantic, totally platonic, but just fascinated with you and your brain. You\u2019re so much fun to be around. I hope we get to sit together at meals all the rest of this week. I just love hearing what you have to say. Your hot takes on literally everything. And I know I\u2019ve said it already, but I LOVE when you challenge my thoughts. You\u2019ve never made me feel weird or awkward and you let me be young and fun with you. I hope we can be friends after we\u2019re out of here. You just seem like someone that I could find myself texting with or sharing my window shopping sprees. You\u2019ve got such a great style, cute makeup and an adorable smile. And you\u2019re soooo charming. You\u2019ll make a fantastic ambassador, no doubt. For your age, you\u2019re already so worldly and cultured. You appreciate the old and the new which makes you unique for someone your age. I adore you. Thanks for making me feel so included. You\u2019re a unique special person with a wonderful brain. It works overtime. I\u2019m gushing, but I feel like you\u2019re my people. It\u2019s hard to find my people.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Devastating. My brand new baby pink shirt and I somehow got MASCARA on it. Tide pen to the rescue. Yeh, sort of, but not 100%. I don’t think it\u2019s noticeable to anyone else, but it is to me. I know it\u2019s there. How depressing. Depression level, 11\/10. Grrr. I had to change. We\u2019ll use music […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-42","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=42"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":43,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/42\/revisions\/43"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=42"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=42"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=42"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}