It\u2019s 4:26AM and I\u2019m up. According to Dr. Parsley, I\u2019m supposed to get the fuck out of bed and do something relaxing. Except, there isn\u2019t really anything relaxing to do. I don\u2019t like puzzles. I can\u2019t play guitar or piano. I can watch my tablet, but I don\u2019t really have any shows that I like. So my options are either writing or pacing. I kind of like the idea of pacing, out of spite. I like the exercise, especially when I get a couple of hours of brisk walking in the morning. I can feel my muscles working, it makes me hungry (and I don\u2019t eat anything), so I know I\u2019m burning calories. And since it\u2019s early morning, no one else is up, so it\u2019s not encouraging anyone else to do it with me. I feel really bad if I influence someone else to implode. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not that I want to implode today or anything. I actually feel pretty good and I think today will be a nice day. I am just frustrated with this sleep situation. I didn\u2019t nap yesterday, really. I don\u2019t think I ever actually fell asleep. I do intend to skip lunch and dinner and any snacks that I can today and deal with the fallout Thursday. Since Alina is gone, it will just be Dr. Parsley and Courtney, or if I get really lucky, Nancy and Courtney. I\u2019m just going to smile and nod and say everything is fine. And I might push for a discharge next Tuesday, if Dr. Parsley is there. I\u2019m ready to get out of here. I\u2019m ready to have some freedom and choose what I want to do for myself. I\u2019m tired of hospital life. I\u2019m tired of structure and discipline. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to get out of here and I actively plan on relapsing. I\u2019ll start with meals and snacks that I\u2019m supposed to prepare for myself and then start skipping out for lunch, if I can. Then, breakfast. I\u2019m just not happy with this whole recovery plan. I\u2019m not angry, I\u2019m not moody. I\u2019m just bored with the idea. I miss the control my ED gave me. I miss being able to go 5 days without having to eat. There\u2019s a lot of power in that. And I was saving so much fucking money. Also, I want my slim figure back. I know they say I\u2019m not trending up, but I feel like I am. I want to get back down to 125 at least. \u201cYou\u2019re more than a number on a scale.\u201d True. But I also like that number on the scale to be 125. It feels good. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut you can have such a wonderful life.\u201d My wonderful life left with Danielle and it\u2019s not coming back. I have no joy. I have nothing to look forward to each day. I\u2019m just a rock, sinking to the bottom of the pool. And even if life was super exciting, I\u2019d still want to be rail skinny. \u201cFuck the American beauty standard.\u201d Yeh, fuck it if you can\u2019t pull it off. But I was pulling it off quite nicely. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So yeh, let\u2019s move that discharge date up to the 26th and get the fuck out of here. Let me go. Not just to the apartments, let me go home. Stop worrying about me. Stop caring about me. Just stop. I\u2019m leaving here just as I came in, by myself. I haven\u2019t gained even one real friend that cares about me here. I\u2019m just too weird. I\u2019m just too much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to wake up at 4:30 AM, take my meds, and dance and sing and get ready for the day. I miss that. I miss taking meds early. I miss having somewhere to spend all that energy that I had. I miss my life. So please, discharge me on the 26th. That was the right plan, what the fuck do I know. I\u2019m just the patient with the eating disorder. You were right and I was wrong. Get me the fuck out of here and on my own. I do not want to do this anymore. I\u2019m done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s ironic, I guess, that I hate waking up early here, since I do it automatically. At home there\u2019s just so much to do in the morning. There\u2019s cleaning, there\u2019s Bee\u2019s bath. There\u2019s animals to be cared for. There\u2019s a shower to take. There\u2019s make up and hair. There\u2019s picking out an outfit to wear. But here, there\u2019s nothing. I\u2019m just bored. And I hate being bored. Boredom is where all the nasty Mr. Negative thoughts start to brew. It\u2019s where all my worst ideas stem from. I mean just read that last page. It\u2019s nothing but self hatred and negativity. I don\u2019t want to be negative, I want to be positive. But I can\u2019t. Not when I wake up in the morning and have nothing to do. No where to go. No where to be. Nothing to look forward to. Just ground hog day. The same thing. That reminds me, I miss Abigail. She was the one person here, after Polly left, that got me. She was encouraging in all the right ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Katy wears this bracelet that says \u201cfuck anorexia.\u201d I wish I felt like that, but I just don\u2019t. I feel more like Raine about this whole thing. I don\u2019t care. It wants to kill me and I want to let it. Why can\u2019t I find the enthusiasm that Katy has? Why don\u2019t I feel that way? I know my core value is love for Juniper and taking care of her. I know my values. None of them include dying. But this eating disorder shit has a lock on my brain. I guess, at least part of this is that I\u2019ve never really suffered serious health consequences from the disorder. No one has sent me to ACUTE. I can still function completely normally. I\u2019m not passing out. It\u2019s not hard to walk. I don\u2019t need a wheel chair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The nurse came in last night and she was really sweet. She asked me my numbers. \u201c0,3\u201d I don\u2019t even know if that\u2019s real or not. What are safety numbers anyways? \u201cThat\u2019s an improvement:, ” she said. I mean, I guess it\u2019s an improvement from a couple of nights ago. But literally all day yesterday, I said my numbers were 0,0. I\u2019m trying to get out of here. Maybe no one believes anything I say any more. That\u2019s frustrating. Maybe. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why can\u2019t I just go with the flow of things? Why do I have to challenge everything? I wish I had that drive or whatever it is. Maybe it\u2019s courage. Courage is doing what has to be done, regardless of the consequences, or something like that. And in a way, fighting anorexia takes a lot of courage. You\u2019re not going to have the body you want any more. You\u2019re no longer going to have the control that you had. You must, in a lot of ways, surrender and do what has to be done, regardless of the consequences. Now, you can rationalize and say, \u201cHey, the consequences are all good. \u201c \u201cYou\u2019ll feel like yourself again,\u201d that\u2019s something I\u2019ve heard Ella K. say a dozen times. You\u2019ll feel good, like yourself again. I don\u2019t remember what I felt like. I think the last time I was mentally healthy was before puberty started, probably around age 12. And even then, everything in my life was fucked up. I was living with grandparents, my mother was losing her mind, my Dad was off working, like always. And I was just left to my own devices, trying to figure shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And even when things started to \u201cnormalize\u201d, like my Mom buying a condo for us to live in and getting a slightly better job, so she had a little more money, it still sucked. And then puberty kicked in for me and my body started feeling weird and changing in ways that felt wrong. I just became angry. All the time, I was just fucking angry. I stayed angry for a lot of years. All of high school. All of college. My first marriage. My first divorce. Then, Danielle came back into my life. And I wasn\u2019t angry any more. I was happy. I loved her and I loved waking up with her every day. Yes, I was gender questioning. Yes, I was stressed because our kid was very sick. Yes, I was working 90 h-ours a week. Yes, we discovered cocaine and I got a horrible drug addiction. All those things are true. But what remained consistent for me was that I loved Danielle. That didn\u2019t waver for me. I felt invincible in a lot of ways. I thought that love was stronger than any other force on this planet. And I thought our shared love of Juniper was stronger than any force on this planet. I was wrong. Our love was shallow. One of the main reasons she left was because I didn\u2019t want to work 90 hours a week any more. I didn\u2019t care about a $200,000 salary. Now mind you, we were still bringing over $200,000 with our combined income. It\u2019s not like we were poor. And there\u2019s more to that story, too. But I won\u2019t go into that now. Anyways, that was one of her stated primary reasons for leaving\u2026 to go live with her BF, who earns $60,000 a year and has 3 record shops that barely break even. He works a government job that he hates and lives in a shitty little apartment. None of it makes sense. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The only way it makes sense is if you take into account her mental illness. If she were still on lithium, none of this would have happened, I\u2019m certain of it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m not strong enough to process this shit today. \u201cHow willing are you to engage with big emotions today?\u201d Not willing. How willing am I to go to groups today? Not so much. How willing are you to complete the meal plan that you hate today? I plan on ducking out of as many meals as I can. I plan on skipping snacks and I plan on asking to step down on Tuesday. The longer I\u2019m here, the more time it gives them to realize that, \u201cyes, she is batshit crazy and no, she\u2019s not in recovery. She\u2019s broken, just like she said.\u201d Is that the eating disorder talking to me? Probably. I mean, I\u2019m ready to cut off my family again. I\u2019m ready to recluse back into my house, by myself. I\u2019ve lost my will to fight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember one of the first people that I met here at ERC was a lady named Connie. I thought Connie was the coolest. I think she thought I was a little weird. I\u2019m used to that, whatever, I still thought she was cool. But she was only here for a few weeks before she went home to Boston. She just said, \u201cI\u2019ve gotten everything that I can from this place.\u201d I didn\u2019t understand it at the time. She was still phase I, she was still restricting. She didn\u2019t want to reach the target weight they gave her. I would say her attitude was only slightly better than mine. And we were in agreement, our eating disorder gave us a sense of accomplishment. She liked the fact that, as she put it, \u201cput in the work. Didn\u2019t eat those extra calories. Spent the time exercising,\u201d etc. I did agree with her about the sense of accomplishment and it\u2019s been parroted a few dozen times since being in residential treatment. I find myself believing what she said more and more and what \u201cthey\u201d say less and less. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We do a digital daily check in every day and the first question is, \u201cHow are you feeling today?\u201d A few days ago, I said, \u201cI think I\u2019ve outgrown Willow,\u201d which Alina and Courtney quizzed me about. And the short answer is, I think I\u2019ve gotten all I\u2019m going to get from being inpatient or residential here. They are right, I can nourish myself. I don\u2019t need someone to watch me go to the bathroom. I can use razors appropriately. They don\u2019t care about my self harm. They don\u2019t care about my SI. They don\u2019t seem to think me skipping meals and refusing to eat others is a big deal. So, I\u2019ve outgrown Willow. It\u2019s time to move on and accept life again. I want to go home, get my income independence back and start taking care of my home again. I want to send my Mom packing and keep her at arm\u2019s length. And I want to take care of my kid. I want to see what my relationship with Brandon looks like once I\u2019m free from here. I want to see if I can get more of his attention than just on the weekends. I want to be myself and not be judged by 17 other girls. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to order too many clothes. Dresses and skirts that are too short. Outfits that are too cute. Boots that look a little slutty. Fuck it. It\u2019s my choice to make. I want to fill two closets with new outfits. So many outfits, most of them still have the tags on them. I don\u2019t want someone looking over my shoulder at me. I want boxes upon boxes of shoes and hats and bags of all shapes, colors and sizes. With names that cost money and make other girls jealous. I\u2019m fine with them being jealous. I want to drive my BMW faster and more recklessly than I should (as long as it\u2019s just me and Juniper isn\u2019t in the car with me.) I want to drive fast and furiously. I want to drink red bull. Lots and lots and lots of redbull and some coffee, too. I want to listen to music turned all the way up in the morning. Juniper and I like it. Susan does, too. I like MY music in the morning. Katy Perry, mostly, but Lorde and the like, too. I want to sing at the top of my lungs and not worry about others hearing me. I want to dance around the house while I do my chores. I miss chores, is that weird? I miss doing laundry for Juniper. I miss vacuuming and dusting and organizing. I miss feeding my cats and my dog. I miss cleaning the litter box? Ok, maybe not that. But I\u2019ll do it, because I miss my cats. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to wake each morning and get ready. And now there\u2019s this whole writing thing that I\u2019ve been doing. I want to write each day. When I wake up. After I take Jude to school. While Jude does her therapies. And when we get back home in the afternoon. I want to write and write and write and write. I do have things to say. I do have thoughts to share. Now will anyone care? I have no idea and I don\u2019t care if they do or if they don\u2019t. I\u2019m doing this for me. I have thoughts. Lots and lots and lots of thoughts in my head that have been swimming and swirling around for years. Thoughts that I kept locked away and that contributed to my sadness, anger, depression and anxiety. It\u2019s time to let them out. \u201cBe free, thoughts. Fly onto the page and be forever immortalized.\u201d And if no one ever reads a single word, so what. Who cares? I\u2019m not doing this for them. I\u2019m not doing this for you. I\u2019m writing this for me, because with all these thoughts finally expressed in writing, I don\u2019t have to feel trapped by them anymore. And since I\u2019m not married and I\u2019m not particularly bound by religious belief or anything but my own moral code, I can write whatever I want. Danielle, if you\u2019re reading this, good for you. Read it. Or don\u2019t. I don\u2019t care anymore. No more secret thoughts. Just a free flow of silly things that my mind conjures up and my fingers tap out. Danielle can\u2019t use this against me any longer. I no longer have to be afraid. It\u2019s out there and I don\u2019t feel ashamed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to write about my life and Juniper\u2019s. I\u2019m going to write about the cats and their silliness. How they wake me up in the middle of the night, trying to suffocate me in bed. I\u2019m going to write about fucking. I\u2019m going to write about cleaning. I\u2019m going to write about my mood and emotions. I\u2019m going to write about anorexia. I\u2019m going to write about my diet. I\u2019m going to write about exercise. I\u2019m going to write about mental illness and mental wellness. I\u2019m going to write about anything I goddamn choose. I will feel no shame, not any longer and I will write and write and write and write. There is no limit and there are no boundaries. As of 2026, nobody gives a fuck anyways. And I\u2019m writing for me, no one else. If you choose to read this, that\u2019s your fucking problem. I didn\u2019t tell you to, you chose to do it yourself. No one is making you, so don\u2019t get pissed off at me if you don\u2019t like what you read.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s only 5:43 AM and I see and hear some movement around the unit. I\u2019ll get up at 6:00 and make the bed and pick out my clothes for the day. I\u2019m wearing my capris and fancy white shirt. Or the black one. I haven\u2019t decided. The black one is more modest, the white one more bold and I\u2019m just not quite sure how I feel about today yet. Is it a grey day or a yellow one, or is it lavender or blue. I don\u2019t know yet. The sky looks mostly clear this morning, so maybe the rain is done for today. Maybe it gets warmer than 60 degrees outside today. That\u2019s the rub I suppose. Capris are already going to leave my legs a little chilly so I need to be mindful and dress appropriately. The milieu is going to be cold, regardless of what I wear, so really this is just a style decision. There is one issue that I don\u2019t know how to overcome. Socks and my lack there of. I don\u2019t really have any appropriate ones for the capris, so I have to go sockless. Maybe it\u2019s green Adidas and no socks. Or my slips that have become so worn and stretch that they fall off my feet, or my feet have shrunk. I don\u2019t know which. They say hormones can do that, make you shrink in height and make your feet smaller. All anecdotal, of course, there\u2019s not much research on the subject. At least that I\u2019ve found. It\u2019s mostly found on Reddit and the like from others doing HRT. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Today is shot day, which is always a good day. It does give me a sense of well being. I do kind of miss the higher dose. Since being here, they have been double dosing my estradiol. The NP said it was causing my platelet count to be too high. Blood clots are a thing and a serious blood clot could get them to kick me off HRT, which would be devastating. But, the nurses caught it a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, the pharmacy sent over a vial that was 20mg\/ml and only included a small note at the bottom, \u201cSorry, we were out of 10mg\/ml,\u201d but didn\u2019t change the dosing on the label. So, the nurses were just following the orders on the computer. I don\u2019t really blame them, I probably wouldn\u2019t have checked the vial dosage either. But, two weeks ago, two of the newer nurses actually did their job and double checked everything and caught the error. I had to bring the error to the NP\u2019s attention (i have no idea what her name is) and investigated the problem and corrected the order in the computer. So now it\u2019s back to the proper dose. Somewhere around 4mg intramuscular per week. I do worry that with the drop in dosage, my testosterone could spike. If it does, then I\u2019ll be going on Spironalactone or however you say it. I think my GP would be willing to prescribe it if T comes back too high. He seemed pretty laxed about it, although he didn\u2019t recommend it. Now, the endocrinologist that I\u2019m seeing on July 17th (Jude\u2019s birthday) is going to have a different opinion, I\u2019m sure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh, Jude\u2019s birthday. That\u2019s some thought processing that I need to do. Geez. I\u2019m not ready for that one today. Let\u2019s hold off. WIllingness to process, 0\/10. And it\u2019s 5:58 AM anyways, so I\u2019m going to stop this gibber-jabbering and make my bed, layout my clothes. I\u2019m going conservative with the capris. Put on my headphones and start thinking about getting ready for the day. Maybe even get excited about the day for a little while. I do like my coffee in the morning. Even if it\u2019s only ONE cup. Another reason to ask to discharge next Tuesday, on the 26th. I want real coffee and I want lots of it and I want to drink it all day long. Stay positive. Stay focused. Self advocate. These are goals for the day and I\u2019ll say as much during morning intentions, if I don\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
6:23 AM I\u2019ve been pacing for 20 mins. I realized that if you walk in a zig-zag pattern instead of in a straight line, you get 30% more steps in, so you can spend less time pacing and get the same benefit. Nursing just showed up to start their count. BHTs should be rolling down the hallways any moment now. It\u2019s a shame that they don\u2019t come down at 6:20 AM, since we\u2019re supposed to shower, weigh, pee, get dressed in 15 minutes. It\u2019s impossible, especially for me since I have to shave and I like to be very thorough. That\u2019s like the one thing that matters to me. No one wants to be the bearded lady. I miss my real razors. Give me my apartment, i\u2019ll be shaving twice a day again. Electric razors can only shave so close. I use the quadruple blade $5 shave club razors that are $8 per 4 pack. One blade lasts 3-4 days usually. Do the math. It\u2019s an investment worth making. And besides, those are the blades I use to self harm. I use straight razor blades, like the ones used for industrial purposes. They are ultra sharp, require very little pressure and do maximum damage. But, per nursing here, self harm doesn\u2019t matter. At least, per Nurse Bailey. I shouldn\u2019t let her speak for all the nursing staff, they don\u2019t all suck. Just her. She sucks. Hopefully they put her on 3E-W next week when she returns. She\u2019s just a bitch. RULE NUMBER ONE: DO NOT BE A BITCH. Duh, Nurse Bailey. Guess she didn’t get the memo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh god, is wearing stylish new gear every day being a bitch? It\u2019s always concerning when no one says anything about what I\u2019m wearing. Except Kiki, but getting compliments from Kiki is kind of like getting compliments from your Mom. They\u2019re obligated. She\u2019s also just really nice. I like Kiki mornings and you can always tell she\u2019s here, in Splataah, because the music selection is perfect for showering and getting ready in the morning. It\u2019s dancey, it\u2019s energetic, it\u2019s fun. That\u2019s Kiki in a nutshell. She just gives off positive vibes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speaking of vibes, I get such a weird vibe from the nurses when they give me the estradiol shot. \u201cThere ya go\u201d almost sounds like, \u201cwelcome to womanhood\u201d to me. But I could be wrong, what the fuck do I know? I don\u2019t know that nurse\u2019s name, but she was getting weights this morning and said, \u201cMorning Clara, do you need anything today?\u201d I never know how to respond to that. \u201cShit girl, it\u2019s 6:30 am, I\u2019ve been for two hours, but I haven\u2019t had any coffee yet and I\u2019ve just been exposed to other humans for the first time in 9 hours. Let\u2019s just see how the day progresses, ok?\u201d, is what I want to say. But I think I said something like, \u201cI don\u2019t think so.\u201d And she replied, \u201cWill you let me know if you do?\u201d Umm\u2026 sure. When I’m crashing out and need clonazepam in a couple of hours, I\u2019ll keep you in the loop. What else is she going to do for me exactly? I don\u2019t know, since the Nurse Bailey experience, I haven\u2019t really talked to any of the nurses, at least not on purpose. That sweet nurse last night I talked to, but only brief answers to her questions. And besides, what is a nurse going to do for me? Give me a hot pack? A cold one? Stick my face in ice water. Ask me if I\u2019ve taken my PRNs? I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t want to be a burden and I don\u2019t want attention. I really don’t want to talk about my mental health at all anymore. I\u2019ve got the \u201ctreatment burnout\u201d bad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, my goal for today is to \u201cself advocate\u201d to get the fuck out of here. I think Dr. Parsley just got another week approved by insurance, so now I\u2019m going to turn around and ask him to let me go sooner than the 1st. I can take my own meds. I can shower and poop without a monitor. No, I won\u2019t eat what you want me to. Yes, I will eat enough to sustain me. No, I won\u2019t \u201clearn to cook.\u201d Yes, I will sneak out of group and back to my apartment, if I can. No, I won\u2019t be actively working on recovery. Yes, I will get my nails done. No, I won\u2019t form any close bonds with anyone else here. Yes, I will go get waxed before I have Brandon over. No, Josie is not going to be happy I\u2019ve been shaving. Yes, I\u2019m willing to deal with that. I think you get the picture. I want out. I\u2019m going to aim for the moon while I\u2019m gazing at stars? Can you actually do that? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My stress level is like a 5\/10 right now, which isn\u2019t too shabby for me in the morning. I really feel pretty good. The estradiol contributes to that for sure. And it\u2019s pretty rapid action. We\u2019re talking 15 minutes and I\u2019m feeling pretty euphoric. I feel cute. I feel fun. I\u2019m digging my capris. Fuck what anyone thinks. I might go back into Splataaah and do makeup. Maybe not. I\u2019ve grown accustomed to seeing myself without makeup on and I think I\u2019m just as cute naturally. But, I know Brandon really likes the makeup and the extra girly stuff. I\u2019ll do it for him. Maybe Saturday when I wear my dress. Never mind, Splataaah is closed. But we still have 8 minutes until they call for breakfast. I am so fucking ready to not have to be called to breakfast. Dogs get called to meals. Cats get called to meals. Humans should pick and choose when they want to eat. I\u2019ve outgrown WIllow. See.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Positive mindset. Alina is out of town starting today, so I get to see Amanda instead. I really like her. On my first or second day here she did a battery of surveys on me and we just started talking. I kind of let it slip out that I may have been a little bit of slut when Danielle took off to Nashville. I guess I was so used to being slut shamed, I expected some sort of lecture. She looks up at me and says, \u201cit happens.\u201d LOL. And we both smiled. And everything turned out fine. I got tested for all the nasties and everything came back negative. So anyways, I like Amanda. She\u2019s actually really popular on the unit. She used to do process and I didn\u2019t mind it nearly as much then. I don\u2019t like whoever they have doing it now. But Amanda is cool, so having a session with her should be good. I actually think she\u2019s a much better therapist than Alina. She likes to challenge thoughts in a much more provoking way. Her challenges make me think. Plus, even though the fence is mended, I still don\u2019t have a ton of trust with Alina. I told her that her pulling me out of my room that day embarrassed me and made me feel terrible. And she got defensive about it at first, kind of invalidating what I was saying, which proved my point exactly. She said that I was wishy-washy about coming out of the room and I should have been more assertive. DUDE, I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. It\u2019s not like I\u2019m full of assertive energy when I want to crawl into a hole and hide. Oh boy. That\u2019s negative. Let\u2019s reframe. We\u2019ve begun to repair the relationship of therapist and patient, but we still have work to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Apparently I ordered bacon for breakfast. I don\u2019t remember doing that, but it\u2019s all good. Bacon once in a while is ok, I suppose. And surprisingly, it was cooked the way I like it, so I ate it. Just a thought. I do feel like I\u2019m greasy just from eating it though. My value today (and every day until I leave) is perseverance. Polly did that and I like it, so I\u2019m doing it too. My smart skills are 100% meals & snacks, Journal and possibly setup a blog, and work on my kudos for my kudos person. Skills I\u2019m journaling, listening to music (maybe something new) and \u201cleaves on a stream.\u201d I use the last one in combination with my writing, if something big comes up that I need to process. I\u2019d rather keep it light. For support, I\u2019m asking for laughter, games and checkins. Hopefully Allie and I get a game of clue going. I\u2019ll be Colonel Mustard so she can have Professor Plum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s the Lexapro, the Buspar or just my brain balancing its chemicals correctly on its own, but I do feel significantly less anxious today than I have in some time. I don\u2019t expect that to hold true all day long, considering anxiety always seems to have a snowball effect as the day wears on, but I\u2019ll take the \u201ccalm brain\u201d morning. It\u2019s nice. Stress level since breakfast, 3\/10. Stress level after being in group and talking about daily intentions and possible group ideas for the day, 6\/10. Why is that? But I feel the tension in my chest and my head. Why do groups make me feel so anxious now? Why did I feel so good and confident going into group, only to have that eviscerated the moment Chris the MC started talking. It\u2019s weird because I like Chris. He likes being here, he\u2019s really nice and he almost always has good ideas for groups. But my chest is tightening just thinking about actually going to groups. I had to bail on the group room immediately after sharing and after Chris finished talking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to have a good conversation with someone today. I\u2019m thinking Betty, maybe. I want to ask her to be my friend after we leave here. We\u2019re both a little crazy and like being stylish. She\u2019s got a great sense of style. She\u2019s wearing this long, bright and flowered covered dress, a pink jean jacket that I had to help her put on and cowboy boots. I\u2019ve set it before and I\u2019ll say it again, when she was young, I know she was a knockout. She has these beautiful lips and very symmetric eyes and nose. And her style is always bright and cheerful. I use solid colors and she uses bright patterns. She does the same thing that I do, too. She\u2019ll take her shower and get dressed, then decide she doesn\u2019t like what she has on and go change in her room. I kind of wanted to do that this morning with these capris. They just fit kind of differently, because they aren\u2019t stretchy at all. But they\u2019re not any more uncomfortable than jeans with a belt on. Anyways, I\u2019m going to ask her for help with makeup on Saturday, before Brandon comes. Her makeup is always flawless and I can tell she wants to mom\/big sister me. I should let her. She\u2019s perfect for that role, especially since she could be both my Mom or my big sister and it makes her feel really good to help people. She\u2019s always pushing someone\u2019s wheelchair or trying to help calm someone down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gosh, my anxiety just shot up from out of nowhere. It was a 3\/10 and now it\u2019s like 8\/10 and I don\u2019t know what the fuck happened other than sitting in group. I guess subconsciously Chris\u2019s group ideas triggered some thoughts about Danielle or other negative thoughts. Maybe even slightly consciously. Boundaries and such makes me think about Mom and Danielle. For willingness to process today, I put 2\/10 and that\u2019s being generous. I need to work on real world stuff today, like calling Diane and making sure she\u2019s not mad at me. Oh boy, that makes my stomach hurt and it feels like I\u2019m being punched in the throat. Weird, considering that she\u2019s on my team and just trying to help me as much as possible. It\u2019s my procrastination that is the problem here. Actually, I\u2019d call it avoidance more so than procrastination. I just want to avoid the divorce altogether. I don\u2019t want it to be real. I want to slip into another universe where everything is like it was before Danielle stopped loving me. I suppose this is why my anxiety stays so high. Because I\u2019m holding on to thoughts like this. It\u2019s really counterproductive, not only to recovery, but to my mental health in general. I\u2019ve got to diffuse these thoughts. Of course, no one explained how to do that really. Just let them go? How can I let go of thoughts that are so core to my beliefs, to promises I made? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What am I feeling? I think I have mixed emotions today and I\u2019m not exactly sure what they are. Let\u2019s try labeling them first. Overwhelmed. Why? Because I\u2019ve got real world shit that I need to work on, such as talking to Diane and I need to email Ginni. Also, I’m exhausted. Why? Well in part because of the lack of sleep. But I think the bigger part is just being away from home and thinking about all the things I\u2019m going to have to do to get my life in order once I leave here. I\u2019ve got 5 weeks to get my thoughts together, but it\u2019s going to be a lot of work. I feel drained, for lack of a better word. Why? My introvert wants to go hide under the covers in my room and not come out for the rest of the day. ***I wonder if they locked my room*** Stressed. Why? Because I know Chris\u2019s groups will bring up a lot of emotions that are hard to process. I love Chris as MC, he\u2019s kind and smart. He\u2019s encouraging and he really loves being here with us. But his groups are some of the hardest, because they really cut to the core of our feelings and our eating disorder, or the reasons for our eating disorder. That makes his groups hard. Cold. Why? Well, I was outside and it\u2019s fucking cold out there today. No, reframe (right, Priscilla?). It\u2019s brisk. But I\u2019m wearing shortish pants, so my legs are cold. We all came in early anyways. Now pee break 1\/30 that I\u2019ll take today. You\u2019ve got to hustle into Splataaah when the opportunities arise. Anxious. Why? AM snack is just around the corner. It will be a blueberry muffin, plus vanilla boost (yes, miriam, It does taste like ass). I can\u2019t believe some people actually prefer vanilla boost. I mean, they both suck. It tastes like flavored medicine or something. And the vanilla has this spoiled smell about it. I\u2019ve talked about that before, Betty put it in my head and it hasn\u2019t left. But I\u2019m going to drink it. Rooms are locked, so there\u2019s no hiding today. There must have been a meeting about keeping doors locked during the day. I\u2019m sure I was part of that discussion, since I will gladly ditch a meal if I can hide in my room. I\u2019ve even pretended I was sleeping when they came to get me. Kristen wasn\u2019t buying it. I\u2019d hoped with Shawna and Kiki here I could get away with it today, but looks like a no go. I feel conflicted. Why? Did you read what I wrote this morning? My ED thoughts are strong and they are convincing. In fact, I\u2019m still not sure they are wrong and I swear they\u2019re telling me I don\u2019t even have an eating disorder. They\u2019re telling me to relapse and giving me all the classic reasons why. I\u2019m supposed to hold true to my values, that\u2019s my shield to ED thoughts, but it just doesn\u2019t seem like enough right now. Anxious. Why? Staying an extra week here gives Dr. Parsley another week to observe my behavior and keep me here longer. At this point, I really want out. We talked about it this morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it\u2019s not like my thoughts and emotions end there. They just sit and ruminate like a merry go round. I go from one fear to another and my brain just starts spinning faster and faster throughout the day. I just want to get off the ride, I\u2019m feeling sick from all the spinning. I want to benzo sleep, where my brain just slows down to a crawl and I don\u2019t have vivid dreams or circular thoughts. And now this whole no nap thing\u2026 geesh. Naps were like my escape for the day. Now I\u2019m not sure what to do with the 2-3 o\u2019clock hours, when things start getting really intense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Avoid\u2026Avoid\u2026Avoid\u2026 I\u2019ve got to call Diane and write that email to Ginni. And Aerocare, I need to call aerocare so that they send all the supplies needed for this month. Adulting\u2026 responsibility. I responded to her email and left her a message and apologized for taking so long to get back to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rose was having a good time bouncing her ball up and down the hall and now she\u2019s getting scolded. I feel bad for her. I\u2019ve been doing the same thing throughout the day, I just haven\u2019t been caught, yet. I want to pace, too. I want to throw the ball against a wall and catch it. I want to scale the bars that line the patio\/outside area. I want to run through the walls, like the Kool-Aid guy would do when I was a child. I want to bust out of here, like sneak out. It\u2019s a challenge, there are alarms everywhere and the elevators need a badge to operate. But I\u2019m pretty sure the fire escape\/stairs will alarm, but will let you through. It could be one of those doors that will open if you push on it for long enough, the alarm starts going off the moment you apply force. If that\u2019s the case, it\u2019d be almost impossible to sneak out during the day. That means a night time escape. That could be a bit challenging, too. My only hope would be if one BHT is in Splataaah and the other is doing rounds at the end of the hall. I\u2019m sure the nurses and BHTs will come running at the first alarm, so I\u2019d have to move quickly. If there\u2019s a delay on the fire escape door, I\u2019m screwed. Which does give me another idea for another option. What if I pull the fire alarm and while everyone is going to the fire meetup point, I go through the cafe double doors. The alarm will sound, but everyone will be so occupied with that annoying ass fire alarm, they might not notice as quickly. But then, I\u2019d have to find another fire escape, since the elevators are off limits without a badge. My third and final idea (for now) is to somehow steal a badge. This would be the trickiest to pull off, they hold on to those badges like jailers held keys at alcatraz, i assume. Maybe not. I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m lacking another analogy. Anyways, they either wear them around their neck or attached to their body in some other way and I\u2019ve never actually seen anyone lay one down on the desk or anything. That means, I\u2019d have to extra sneak and need a pair of scissors to cut it off from around their neck. That might not go so well. Hmm\u2026 other options. There are RFID capture devices that I could order and assemble with parts from Amazon most likely. But I\u2019d need them to come in a casing of some sort and I\u2019d have to have an excuse for what is, obviously have to lie about that. Ugh. I don\u2019t feel good about these escape plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to dance. Kiki\u2019s shirt today says, \u201cCe soir, on va danser\u201d, \u201ctonight, we go dancing.\u201d I want to go dancing with Kiki, I bet she\u2019s fun. Clara has never actually been dancing, but I\u2019d only go if I was with either a big group of girls or friends in general or with Brandon. That\u2019s the life, unfortunately. As a woman, you already have to be so on guard from men trying to trick you, get you drunk, spiking you drink, force you into their car, etc. As a trans woman, you have all those problems, plus psychopaths that just hate trans people or even worse, if they clock you as cis first, then realize you\u2019re trans, they don\u2019t like that. I mean, it\u2019s Denver, so probably not as much of an issue here, but still have to be on guard. And while I\u2019m Willow, dancing is pretty off limits. If you get caught, you will most likely be redirected. And who wants to dance around our rooms that are like big closets. And by myself and what if someone sees me through the blinds. I\u2019m already the weird one, I don\u2019t want to be the weird one that dances by herself in her room. Fitting in is part of Maslow\u2019s hierarchy of needs. No one knows this better than a marketer. We use that one a lot, to sell shit people don\u2019t need, to those that can\u2019t afford it. Ick. I\u2019m glad I\u2019m not a marketer anymore. Anyways, if I\u2019m caught dancing by myself and I already feel like I\u2019d be ostracized. I don\u2019t know that for certain, but I\u2019m not willing to risk it. I already feel like I\u2019m ostracized from some discussions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Apparently, yesterday during lunch, everyone completed without supplement, except me. But I wasn\u2019t there, so I don\u2019t count. But the fucked up thing is it was the hummus and pita and cheese and I don\u2019t know how I would have completed that. I was totally grossed out by it. I guess I could have supplemented instead. But I really don\u2019t want to do that. Anyways, Juniper got here early, so I had a pretty good excuse to bail without completing my meal. Saved by the Bee. I would have felt terrible if I was the only person in there that didn\u2019t complete. I already feel really silly sitting at the Phase I table. I\u2019ve been here over 2 months and I can\u2019t even make Phase II, I feel dumb. What am I afraid of? What am I holding on to so tightly? Snack is coming. It\u2019s too early for hydroxyzine and I don\u2019t want to use my clonazepam yet. Anxiety 7\/10 at the moment. Just thinking about lining up for snack makes it go to 9\/10. I might be able to hide from Kiki and Shawna, I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t know on top of it they are. Shawna seems like all business and Kiki likes us and would find me because she wants to, \u201chelp.\u201d Another option is going to nursing and feigning distress, but they\u2019re already on alert about me, I think. Of course, no one bothered to ask my safety numbers this morning. I mean, \u201c0,0\u201d is my response, even though it\u2019s probably closer to 4,6. Not that I have a solid plan anymore. Not that I want to think about it enough to come up with a plan either. But the urge is there, even though I\u2019m feeling less depressed and my anxiety is like pulsing strobe light that speeds up and slows down today, instead of a spotlight. Kiki is calling, \u201csnack time!\u201d I\u2019ve got to bite the bullet and get in line. Could I sound more trite? Let\u2019s reframe! I have the opportunity to revise that last sentence into something less cliche and more compelling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
AM snack was a disaster. The milkshake was really extra thick today, with chunks of cream in it and I went as slow as possible and left \u2155 of it on purpose. I\u2019m wrecked. And now group feels yucky. I just don\u2019t want to go. I don\u2019t want to think. I don\u2019t want to learn any skills. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Geez, Rose was sleeping in my chair at the end of the hall, then she came walking down the hall with a therapist or someone like that, she\u2019s been crying and her nose is bleeding. I feel so bad for her. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on, but it must be terrible. Did she not finish snack either? Now I feel even more guilty. She was curled up at the end of the hall and I don\u2019t know what\u2019s happening. I\u2019m worried. Rose is my friend, she\u2019s really kind to me. I care. I worry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m avoiding group by hiding down by the nurses station. Fuck, just thinking about going down there makes me feel awful. My head hurts, my heart pounds, my stomach gets upset and I even tremble a little bit. I\u2019m not going to do groups today unless Chris comes and finds me and even then, I\u2019m going to tell him I can\u2019t come today. But I do respect Chris enough that I will give him an explanation. He deserves that. I feel bad, because it looks bad to the rest of the group, too. But I just don\u2019t have it in me. I took the clonazepam already, but that\u2019s mostly so when lunch rolls around I can make it to lunch. Although, I\u2019m going to do my best to hide in my room before lunch and hope they don\u2019t check. I keep waiting for someone from my team to come grab me. I want to bring up stepping down next week instead of the 1st of June. At least in the cafe, they have me at the old Phase II table, so I\u2019m back in the corner with Raine, Allie, Maddy, Audra and me. I like that group. I think my attitude is a combination of Raine and Audra\u2019s. Raine absolutely doesn\u2019t want to be here and doesn\u2019t want recovery. Audra had to fight with her insurance to be here, but she\u2019s skeptical of treatment. It just feels familiar and at least I\u2019m at a table that I don\u2019t feel is judging me. We may be the low achievers, but we\u2019re low achievers together. ****FUCK\u2026 I need my chapstick and it\u2019s in my bag, down by the group room. If Chris sees me, he\u2019s going to come and try and bring me into group**** Also, the rest of the group will see me. At least down here, I\u2019m kind of invisible. They can all assume I got pulled for therapy or a meeting with someone on my team. If they don\u2019t know me well, they may assume it\u2019s my rounds today. The down side to sitting down here is the nurses are in and out and one of them is going to try and talk to me at some point, I just know it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At least I\u2019m not curled up in a ball on the floor. At least I\u2019m not crying my eyes out, all puffy and red with snot dripping down my face. It\u2019s the little victories. I feel pretty numb right now to be perfectly honest. Indifferent. Grey. Not good. Not bad. I just am. I exist. I guess that\u2019s okay. Negativity is going to get me nowhere, so let\u2019s refresh our brain on what we want and how we expect to achieve our goal. Our Goal: Get out of Willow and have the independence to stay in bed all day, should I choose. Have the freedom to spend time with Brandon. Have the freedom to go visit Juniper. Pick which meals I want to eat or skip. Drink coffee. Bathroom privacy. See my kittens and dog. How We Get There: I need to speak with my team and advocate for myself. There is the potential that they don\u2019t want to let me go early now because they are seeing a pattern of behavior, but I don\u2019t think that will be the case. It\u2019s weird, because I have completely done a 180 in terms of wanting to leave Willow, I know. They are going to be on a fact finding mission to find out why and it\u2019s my job to convince them that it\u2019s because I believe I\u2019m ready for PHP. I don\u2019t need the extra week, I want to step down ASAP.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Truthfully, groups cause too much emotional distress. I’m tired of the meals here, I\u2019m tired of eating six times a day, I\u2019m tired of being chased down and essentially coerced into going to the cafe and eating. Eating causes emotional distress. I don\u2019t want to gain ANY weight, I want to lose about 5 lbs. I want the freedom to exercise as much as I want and I want to have my boyfriend over any time I choose. Truth is a bitch. But according to Audra, so am I (in a good way). I\u2019m tired of blood draws and questions by staff. I\u2019m tired of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I\u2019m tired of being tired and being forced to drudge onward toward a goal that I\u2019m told I want, but I\u2019m not so sure is for me. Is that too negative? Let\u2019s reframe. I\u2019m ready for some independence and a chance to prove myself as a free and functioning human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m confused. If phase II & III aren\u2019t even necessary to step down, what\u2019s the fucking point to begin with? To separate us out into groups, so we feel like we\u2019re not trying hard enough. I\u2019m at the table with the low achievers. I\u2019m the only one without an ng tube. I\u2019m also the only one that is actively skipping meals and restricting (at least at this last snack.) Did they group us low achievers together on purpose? It\u2019s weird. They say the table placement is random, but I\u2019m not so sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need a pick me up, like a coffee or a line of cocaine. Just kidding about the cocaine, mostly. But I would like some weed and something boring to watch so I can fall asleep on the couch with Bee. Goal: be allowed to nap, as long as I don\u2019t have any responsibilities. How to get there: I\u2019ve got to get the fuck out of Willow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Shawna is opening doors. Better pounce. I\u2019m headed straight to my room and under the fucking covers. I\u2019ll sit still, like a gaboon viper underneath a pile of leaves and if anyone, and I do mean anyone, tries to force me out, I\u2019ll strike with ultra precision and inject them with my deadly venom. It will be the last mistake they ever make. There are a few things about gaboon vipers that are worth noting. One, they are brilliantly decorated in all sorts of colors, a spectrum that goes from pink to black. They aren\u2019t particularly aggressive unless you get too close and they feel endangered, you are their actual prey, or you accidentally step on them. Most of the people that get killed by gaboon vipers fall into that last category. They\u2019re hiking around in the west african grasslands and they make the mistake of not watching where they are walking, aren\u2019t wearing the appropriate type of boots or the viper is just too well camouflaged to be seen and they step on them. In a split second, the gaboon viper can strike the entire length of its body and inject several mls of venom, even though it only takes a microgram of their venom to do serious and likely fatal damage. Unlike other types of vipers, rattlesnakes for instance, gaboon vipers can\u2019t be handled safely without a snake hook, because of their ability to strike the entire distance of their body, you can\u2019t just grab the tail end. And because they have hinged fangs, so if you grab them behind their head, they can simply rotate their fangs and strike you anyways. Within the first minute of the strike, the victim will start to lose sensation in their extremities. The neurotoxin goes to the central nervous system and begins to shut it down. It makes its way to the brainstem, which controls our basal functions, like breathing, which will become very labored. Eventually, within 15 minutes or so, the victim’s body will be in complete paralysis and will start to shut down. By 25-30 minutes, the victim will succumb to the bite and die. Antivenom is rare and very expensive. It\u2019s virtually impossible to get in the United States, should you be a keeper that gets struck. Now what was the point of typing all that random snake information out? I\u2019m beautiful, I\u2019m fast and I\u2019m deadly, and I like to stay hidden and strike if you get too close, so don\u2019t fuck with me, ok?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I made it too my room, I\u2019m under the covers and I\u2019m trying to warm my feet up, because they are fucking freezing. I\u2019m not supposed to nap, but I don\u2019t really want to stay awake. There\u2019s nothing for me here. Someone saw me going to my room, I\u2019m sure. I don\u2019t remember who, but I do know from my attendance in community that they hate it when you don\u2019t come to group. I used to be a hater, but truthfully, I\u2019ve turned over a new leaf. Leave people alone, this is their journey and that journey may or may not include attending all groups. I think that was one of my smart goals for the day, attending all groups and meals. But goals can shift throughout the day as various things start to happen. For me, it\u2019s the anxiety that builds up over the day. For others, it could be something else. Although, I know from process that anxiety is a major contributor for many of us here. I hope the group I skipped wasn\u2019t process, that seems to get the most attention of all the group skipping. I think it was just a Chris group. Besides, I\u2019m 2\/10 on willingness to process today. I don\u2019t even want to talk about my feelings with context. I don\u2019t even want to be in the same room as other people. I don\u2019t even feel comfortable sitting on that couch with Ella. I\u2019m not trying to make her uncomfortable. I miss sharing the couch with Polly. Katy and Manon really stole my fucking seat and that sucks, but I\u2019m not going to be a bitch about it. I guess that\u2019s letting myself get run over to an extent, but I\u2019ll reframe and say, it\u2019s me offering a newer patient a place to sit where she\u2019s comfortable, even at my own expense. In this case, I don\u2019t see it as people pleasing. It\u2019s just being kind. I want to be kind. Kindness is a value I cherish. And Manon and Katy are pretty cool, so it\u2019s easy to be kind to them, even though those bitches stole my fucking couch. Whatever, let\u2019s move on. And by move on, I mean, I\u2019m going to roll over and take a nice nap and try to hide before lunch and if possible, I\u2019m going to skip lunch, because I don\u2019t want to eat. Just step me down to PHP Doc, I\u2019m so fucking ready.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s hard to believe that in under a week, I\u2019ve written the equivalent of a 300-400 page novel. Not that anyone would want to read this. But in the event that someone does eventually stubble upon my ramblings and finds them amusing, they\u2019re in for a long read. At least I would consider 300-400 pages to be a rather long read. And I\u2019m not stopping here, I intend to keep this up. Maybe I\u2019ll start sending a few pages to editors or publishers and see if there\u2019s any interest. Maybe they\u2019ll all tell me this sucks and I should find another hobby, which is totally fucking fine. I don\u2019t care if I never get a single fan. This, I can honestly say, I\u2019m doing for me. This is my only outlet for my anxiety, besides movement. And I\u2019m finding it to be quite fun. It\u2019s crazy to think that in the course of a day, my mind thinks about enough things to write about 20 percent of a novel. That\u2019s how fast my thoughts come and just the pure volume of them. It may be shit writing, but there\u2019s so much quantity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh my eyes are feeling heavy. I\u2019m glad it\u2019s room time. Dear Kiki and Shawna, please let me rest peacefully over lunch. I\u2019ll wake up after and go to process after lunch (I think it\u2019s process after lunch). Ohhh boooy. My eyes are heavy and I feel like sleep is inevitable. If I dream, I\u2019ll be sure to share that when I wake up. My dreams have been crazy the last few weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just ate lunch with Courtney. It was just a cheese and bean quesadilla. It wasn\u2019t something I wanted to eat. Actually, I forgot about lunch with Courtney and had every intention of sleeping through lunch, just like I plan on going down to the nurses station and sleeping through group. Priscilla is out here chilling with me now, because there\u2019s no one else in the hallway. I guess she\u2019s going to start eating group lunch on Monday. That\u2019s really great. There\u2019s nothing that Courtney said that made me feel comforted about PHP. HS snack they\u2019ll send home with us and I\u2019m just going to throw mine away. I have no intention of eating HS snack. I don\u2019t want to eat. I\u2019ll be stuffed from the shit they make me eat all day, so why would I want to eat right before bedtime? In fact, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve had HS snack in a week in residential. There\u2019s just no intent there. I also don\u2019t plan on going to group from the apartment, as much as possible. I plan on just not showing up, not getting up, not getting ready and not participating. I\u2019m going to get some weed gummies and get stoned and just pretend like this isn\u2019t fucking happening. I\u2019m just not on board with recovery. Courtney asked how I felt about the lunch we just had. \u201cHorrible bitch, I don\u2019t want this shit. I don\u2019t want to eat it. If I had a chance to not eat it, I would take it. I\u2019ve been trying to hide as much as possible and if your ass hadn\u2019t woken me up, I was going to sleep through lunch and be very happy about that decision.\u201d I\u2019m just not in it. I just don\u2019t care. And I told Courtney that I don\u2019t like her and that part was true. I don\u2019t like the tone she uses around me and how placating she is. I\u2019m not excited about PHP, but I\u2019m not excited about recovery in general. I\u2019m overwhelmed by the group of people and as stupid as it sounds, about my seat being stolen. I don\u2019t have a place in the group room any more. They didn\u2019t mean to fuck that up for me, but they successfully did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m doing this PHP business because they are forcing me. Otherwise, I\u2019d just go home. I sound like a broken record. There\u2019s nothing in this life for me. Here comes the crowd back from lunch. Time to move my ass back down to the nursing area and curl up in a ball and go the fuck to sleep. I don\u2019t mean to be a negative Nancy, really I don\u2019t. But I don\u2019t want to process and I don\u2019t want to go to group. Fuck feeling feelings. Just. Not. Into. It.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s 4:26AM and I\u2019m up. According to Dr. Parsley, I\u2019m supposed to get the fuck out of bed and do something relaxing. Except, there isn\u2019t really anything relaxing to do. I don\u2019t like puzzles. I can\u2019t play guitar or piano. I can watch my tablet, but I don\u2019t really have any shows that I like. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36\/revisions\/37"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}