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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nThis is a new look for me and obviously with the leggings I worry about an unsightly bulge. \\ But I think it\u2019s pretty unnoticeable with my long shirt. I want to get some extra long shirts like some of the girls have to wear with leggings. Danielle hates leggings, so fuck her. I have 2 pair now, 1 white, 1 black. I\u2019m going to wear the white ones this Saturday with my new dress for when Brandon comes. He asked me if I ever wear skirts or dresses. I actually love wearing them, but Betty is really the one around here that wears them. She offered to let me borrow one. Maybe I\u2019ll take her up on it tomorrow. She also likes helping me with my makeup, I\u2019m going to let her do that, too. Hers is always flawless. I just can\u2019t seem to get my eyeliner right and it\u2019s kind of driving me crazy. I hope Betty and I can become good friends after we leave her. I really like her. She\u2019s so cranky, but she\u2019s a really great part of this unit and I think now that everyone knows her, she fits right in with everyone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a really positive moment of self-reflection this morning at breakfast for daily intentions. For the first time since I\u2019ve been, I said the thing I was grateful for was my team and how patient they have been and how they\u2019ve worked with me to find solutions to our sticking points. My meeting yesterday with Courtney and Alina went fairly well. I think they\u2019ve realized that pushing me too hard too fast kind of makes me shut down and then we all lose. If they\u2019ll let me set the pace for the most part, then I\u2019ll do much better. I am already a goal oriented person, but I don\u2019t like it when goals are set for me. I\u2019m quite proficient at setting my own goals. I\u2019ve been doing that the entire time I\u2019ve been here and I\u2019ve met or exceeded all of them, except for my goal to make Phase II. But apparently, per my conversation with Dr. Parsley, I don\u2019t have to be Phase II to step down. I also just wanted Kristen and the other staff members to hear me say something positive about my team. I know Kristen is taking notes, even if only in her head and that she will probably pass this along to the team. I feel like we\u2019re in a good spot for the first time in a while. I do actually feel like we\u2019re a team today. It\u2019s a little scary to say that outloud, but it\u2019s how I feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s weird how when people disappear from the unit, the energy automatically shifts. It\u2019s been shifting in a youthful, fun way. My favorite patients are Priscilla, Anelise (butchered spelling), Katy, Manon, Audra, Rachel, Rose and Betty. They all have such big personalities. I miss Kirsi and of course Polly. We did lose a bit of the inner child expression when Polly left. They had such a unique personality. I wish I had their courage to be myself like they do. I\u2019d wear my sparkly skirt every day. I\u2019d be wearing it now, actually. Fuck, that would have been really cute with my leggings and all black outfit and would make me less worried about \u201cthe bulge\u201d (which i don\u2019t think is that noticeable anyways. I got small leggings and I think I should have bought extra small ones. These are just a tiny bit big, but that helps hide things, too. But, my butt isn\u2019t as cute as it could be. It\u2019s a give and take.) I ramble. I know, I am worried about how I look. But no one else here has to worry about their gender expression, except Katy, who also hates the way their body functions. They also have long hair and wear cute makeup. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Audra had me for Kudos this last week and she got me a radiohead guitar book that has tablature and lyrics for a bunch of their coolest songs. It\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve tried to learn a new song that way, but it was such a sweet and thoughtful gift. Audra is a musician and has a minor in music (I think). She plays standup bass, which I think is ultra cool. I wish I was that accomplished and especially with an instrument that cool. She\u2019s a libra and battles with BP2. She has rainbow colored short hair and shaves the sides. It\u2019s cute. She expresses herself really well and honestly, I think. She\u2019s also had a pretty hard life. Both of her parents died and I think she\u2019s been doing this on her own for a while, which I respect so much. She\u2019s from Indiana, but she actually goes to TN quite often and said she used to hang out in Smyrna, Murfreesboro, Lebanon, etc. She knows what MTSU is, lol. I can\u2019t believe someone here actually knows about my home town. I like her a lot. She said I remind her of her sister and says something nice to say every day to make me feel good. She also has been battling with her insurance. One day when she was particularly stressed out, I wrote her a note and just told her how unique she is because she\u2019s a musician and how we see the world in rhythm and pitch. I also said that I know she\u2019s going to survive this, no matter what her insurance ends up doing, because she\u2019s a survivor like me. I think one of the most interesting things about her is that she refuses to fly, so she took a 4 day trip to get her. Day one on a bus (I think down to St. Louis) then 3 days on a train. I\u2019ve always wanted to take a long train ride across the country. It\u2019s not the most comfortable way to travel, but I think it would be an interesting experience. Anyone that works that hard to get here, deserves to be here and deserves recovery. One other interesting fact about her is she\u2019s also battled with drugs and alcohol, like me. She said that she bounces back and forth between the eating disorder and abusing drugs and alcohol. I can relate. With my eating disorder being challenged so hard, I have had occasional thoughts about drugs since being here. No real intent, I don\u2019t think, but the thoughts are there for the first time in quite a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ugh. 10 until 10 AM and snacks are already making me nervous. At least I know that my meal plan won\u2019t change this week. Courtney told me that yesterday. I think she knows, again, that pushing me with that much change, when I\u2019m already so worried about stepping down, will have a net negative impact. I\u2019ll just skip more meals and snacks to make up for the extra calories. I should be noting that in my daily check-in. That is an eating disorder behavior that I haven\u2019t really given much thought to and I should. It\u2019s a real issue. Since we have 20ish minutes until snack, I\u2019m debating playing guitar for a little bit. I don\u2019t want to jinx it, but I might actually feel slightly more calm this morning. Thinking about it makes me anxious though, so maybe that\u2019s the secret, try not to focus on anxiety. Try to focus on what I\u2019m doing. Be present in the moment and don\u2019t let my thoughts consume me. That\u2019s what this journal is for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s nice to have a more positive outlook today. I can assure you that my goal is not to be a negative Nancy all the time. I like positivity. I know the power of positive thinking. I let Danielle and her nihilist behavior affect me way too much for way too long. Another good reason to keep Danielle out of my life. I thought she was lifting me up, but she was actually just dragging me down into her pit of despair. I don\u2019t need to have negative energy around me. She stopped fanning my flame a long time ago and I should have seen the writing on the wall then. I regret that I didn\u2019t take action, but I guess I don\u2019t know how I could have separated myself from her any earlier than I did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck, I have to pee again. It\u2019s like every ten minutes, I swear. They make us drink so much water here. BRB. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I definitely see the appeal of leggings, they are super comfy and warm. I did find them to be a bit of hassle to put on, they got all twisted and shit. But once I got them oriented correctly, I\u2019d say they\u2019re brilliant. I can\u2019t wait until I have surgery and don\u2019t have to worry about bulges and such. Girl clothes are so much more fun than boy clothes, there are so many more options and they are just more comfortable in general. Fuck, my dad was bitching about guys wearing tight jeans last time he was out here. He\u2019d shit a brick if he saw me in leggings, lol. My lips are extra chapped today, which is so annoying. I\u2019m applying chapstick like every 20 minutes, trying to get the dead skin to fall off. It\u2019s gross. Isn\u2019t that like Rule #2, DO NOT BE GROSS. It totally takes away from my makeup and is ugly. Ugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we get room time after snack, I\u2019m going to try doing some video updates from my room. I\u2019m too shy to do them in front of the group, but I think I want to document more than just a snapshot of the day. I think seeing and hearing me talk could be valuable to this journal. It will help me remember the days more in the future if I choose to go back and read any of this shit, and will make for a more interesting blog. I\u2019m debating setting up the blog and working on that for my remaining time at Willow. I think if the girls see the blog up and running, I can let them post their own pictures, if they want. I can also let them guest post blog entries and share the whole thing with their networks. I\u2019m sure some of them have followers on Snap, IG and TikTok. I don\u2019t know, it just seems like it\u2019d be fun to have everyone here interact. Priscilla already told me she\u2019d subscribe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kristen said the cutest thing as we were walking to snack just a few minutes ago. She said I\u2019m giving off \u201ccelebrity at the airport vibes\u201d, lol. It\u2019s the hat. It has to be the hat. Which needs to be washed, btw. I\u2019ll throw it in the laundry this week. Also got complimented on my Radiohead shirt by Minon. She\u2019s like the epitome of cool. She\u2019s French and absolutely stunningly beautiful. She\u2019s another smart one and just has a unique history and a unique energy. Of course she\u2019s into fashion and style, too, which is fun. Her makeup is always flawless and her blonde hair extensions are beautiful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
We have to do menus now, it\u2019s like my least favorite part of the week. I hate all the food so much. I do mostly write-ins, which means I eat: grilled cheese, cheese quesadilla, PB&J, and Buttered Noodles. I\u2019m pretty tired of these things, but every time I try to get something more complicated, I end up not eating it at all. I think they\u2019re going to push me much harder in PHP to incorporate more variety and things with more ingredients. I still have the cooking trauma, however, so it\u2019s kind of hard to picture me cooking ever again. We shall see, I suppose. This week, I think I only tried one thing from the menu. The rest were write-ins, except at breakfast. I can usually find something I like at breakfast. They did switch up the menu a little bit on me, but I just wrote in diced walnuts if I didn\u2019t see them. I\u2019m not going to eat an egg or anything like that. I just can\u2019t stand the thought of it. That was stressful, as always. I try to just do it as quickly as possible. I do, however, go through and circle coffee on every page first, then double check it when I fill out the breakfast part, then after I\u2019m done with the whole menu, I go through and check that coffee is circled on every page. Nothing ruins your day faster around here than forgetting to circle coffee on your menu. It\u2019s a lesson I only had to learn once. I was kicking myself that entire day and that\u2019s one rule that no BHT is going to budge on, because it has to do with diet. Not even Aloha Frank would budge on that one I\u2019m afraid. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
See sample below. It\u2019s basically going through and circling a certain number of fats, proteins, vegetables, dairy and fruit for each meal. I don\u2019t really eat meat, at least not very often and I\u2019ve found the vegetarian options to be pretty bad most of the time. Hence all the write-ins, which Courtney said she was going to put a stop to, but she hasn\u2019t hassled me much since saying that. Not trying to be a bitch, really. But if she were to force me to eat something actually on the menu at every meal, I\u2019m not going to eat. And I\u2019m not doing any supplement anymore. Ever since that day that Betty said the vanilla supplement smelled soured, I can\u2019t get it out of my head. I do have to drink half a cup with my blueberry muffin during AM snack, so I just down it like a shot and then drink a bunch of water and pinch of a bite of muffin to try and get the flavor and smell out of my mouth and nose as quickly as I possibly can. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Note Millie, the highland cow above my menu. She\u2019s been my pet replacement while being here. One of the girls suggested I get her, I can\u2019t remember if it was Ella or Rachel, but I ordered her that day and she stays by my side everywhere except the cafe, where she is banned. She weighs about the same as the kittens and is close to the same size.I so have to pee again. OMG. it just doesn\u2019t stop, my bladder must be the size of a grape. I am drinking a ton of water, especially today, since my lips are so chapped and I feel dehydrated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I hate asking them to open Splataaah, so I usually just wait for one of the other girls to and jump in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I just got grabbed by Dr. Parsley and I get really anxious talking to him. I don\u2019t think he\u2019s a bad guy or psychiatrist, but I always worry about changes being made that I don\u2019t agree with and it makes my life more difficult. We talked about sleep primarily and how it affects mood throughout the week. I do think that\u2019s my primary issue. I know he\u2019s suspected bi-polar disorder since day one, because of the family history. It scares me a little bit, because I don\u2019t know what he\u2019ll want to try and I really, really don\u2019t want that diagnosis. It just carries such a stigma and the treatments for BPD are pretty limited. Maybe I do have Bi-polar disorder. I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m just waiting for him to drop that bomb shell on me. He just gave me tips on getting better sleep. No naps. Don\u2019t stay in bed if I wake up. Get up, do something relaxing in the hallway, then try lying back down. Not gonna lie, no naps is kind of brutal. I like taking naps. I think because my schedule has been so wonky for so long, I\u2019ve come to depend on naps to get through the day. Life nap free doesn\u2019t sound so great. He said taking naps, \u201creduces sleep pressure\u201d, which I\u2019ve never heard or read about. I might do some research of my own on the subject. I didn\u2019t mention it, but sometimes when I wake up, I do get up and pace. There were at least two mornings that I paced for over two hours. And I\u2019ll be honest, I was just really grumpy on those mornings. It was when things weren\u2019t going so well with the team and I was ultra stressed about leaving. I\u2019ve since changed my attitude. I don\u2019t know what he was getting at and that worries me. That meeting felt like a poker match, which makes me feel more anxious. I\u2019m in such a good mood today and I don\u2019t want this to spoil it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh gawd, he thinks the impulsive spending is me being manic. He probably thinks the same thing about me waking up in the middle of the night. I really don\u2019t think those things are mania. I know what induced mania feels like and it\u2019s not the same. Also, with the shopping, I\u2019m building a new wardrobe from scratch. You have to take that into consideration. I sometimes go a year without buying anything, but in this case, I\u2019m still trying to define my style and figure out what to wear on a day to day basis. Being around the other girls, I\u2019m seeing more of what\u2019s trendy. I hope I don\u2019t dress too young, but I do want to look youthful. Anyways, it\u2019s less about impulsive spending and more about I want to look good, bitch. This is concerning. I am concerned now. I am anxious now. Fuck me. Not in a bad mood, just nervous. I said that I thought he thought I was bi-polar on day ONE and was using a \u201cguarded diagnosis\u201d. This concerns me very much. Am I going to end up on lithium and kill my kidneys and liver?<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s me and Millie in my room at room time. If I look nervous, that\u2019s because I am. Dr. Parsley scares me, I guess. Kind of a lot. He was asking about my mood and the up and down swings. I know those questions and what they are about. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I also accidentally emailed this whole journal to the print email address here, so there is a possibility that they read it and I think the last portion that I saved and sent did not end on a super happy note. But it\u2019s not like I\u2019m in just a terrific mood with boundless energy today. I\u2019m just in a rather positive mood. And energy, I can assure you that it is not boundless. Actually, quite the opposite, I\u2019m rather sleepy. I really want a red bull or a coffee right now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Is writing this journal making them think I have boundless energy or something? Now I sound paranoid, which is probably because I am. I just don\u2019t know what Dr. Parsley is thinking and that really worries the hell out of me. Now I\u2019m so nervous, I want to take clonazepam. Interesting that Dr. Parsley is saying don\u2019t fall asleep. I am really tired right now, but my anxiety about lunch and now about our meeting is really overwhelming. Also, I feel like he was asking questions that he already knows the answer to and that kind of upsets me. You only do that when you suspect someone is lying, right? He asked how my meeting with Aline and Courtney went. I know damn well that they meet every day to discuss their cases and come up with a game plan. So to ask me how that went\u2026 you already know that. You talked to them and you shared your thoughts on possible diagnosis. Shady. That feels shady to me. I\u2019m probably over thinking it, but it definitely feels really shady. I hate when Drs. don\u2019t share what they are actually thinking. I felt like the last meeting went better because he was incredibly honest and \u201cshot straight\u201d so to speak. This felt more like curve ball questions or an examination, but without telling me that he\u2019s doing an examination. Idk, it just feels weird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s focus on the positives, reframe, if you will. Juniper is coming in less than an hour and I\u2019ll get to go see her. My relationship with my mother is improving. Our game plan for right now is pretty good. I think the plan is still the same, June 1st. Actually, at this point, if they said they wanted to keep me in Willow longer, I would be concerned. I\u2019m ready to get out of here. My pros and cons list really kind of sealed the deal for me. Let\u2019s do PHP and see what happens. If they ask me to step back up to Willow, I would have to think really hard about it. If they ask me to stay at Willow longer, I would probably say, \u201cno\u201d and try to discharge AMA. Oh, shit, I was supposed to be thinking positively. It is positive to say I want to get home though, IMO.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can\u2019t wait for my hair to actually get longer. I need to go see Stephanie, assuming Danielle didn\u2019t smear my name with her and she refuses to see me. That would be dumb, but I wouldn\u2019t put it past Danielle. Anyways, positive self-talk\u2026 I want her to trim it up, so I can keep growing it out. It feels like it\u2019s taken longer than usual to grow this time, but I guess I was starting at near zero. At least it\u2019s at cute girl length now. Seeing all the girls here with long hair has made me want mine to be really long. Seeing Manon\u2019s extensions kind of makes me want to get extensions. It\u2019s super expensive though. Might be a while before I can afford that. When we talked about extensions before, Stephanie said it would cost somewhere around $2000-2500. I want really good ones that look natural. Actually, I didn\u2019t even know Manon had extensions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I love Juniper visitation time. It\u2019s only an hour, but it\u2019s really nice. We read \u201cFox in Socks\u201d and that was enough to make her sleepy, so we just snuggled for an hour. I almost fell asleep, too. And so did my mother. It\u2019s so sweet when she grabs both hands. She\u2019s just my little best friend and I miss her so much. It\u2019s a nice way to start the afternoon. And I think I handled my mom pretty well. She loves to ask inappropriate questions. \u201cWill you be cooking?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s the apartment like?\u201d \u201cSo you\u2019ll be doing your therapies there?\u201d Me: \u201cMom, please don\u2019t talk about food, that\u2019s a no-no subject.\u201d And I realize that if I incorporated her somehow into family therapy, they could answer those questions. But I also feel like that gives her way too much power. She\u2019ll start thinking she has a say in my medical decisions and I just can\u2019t let her touch my life that closely. She\u2019s making all these changes around the house and I know she thinks she\u2019s doing a good job, but I don\u2019t want to come home to a different house. We\u2019re literally pulling my life apart, piece by piece and when I get home, I don\u2019t want all the pieces to be different. I don\u2019t know why she doesn\u2019t understand that. I still love Danielle. I still think about her every fucking day. I still wish she would call me and apologize and tell me everything is ok. I know that\u2019s not realistic, but in an ideal world, she\u2019d come home and everything would go back to normal and she\u2019d love me again. What am I feeling? Sad. Why? Because Mom reminds me every day about how my life is never going to be normal again and how the 2nd most important person in my life has stopped loving me and moved away. I hate it. I want to cry and I would if I could.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I do kind of want my snack, since I didn\u2019t really eat my lunch. It was some sort of pita bread plate with cheese, hummus, cucumber slices and baby carrots. I ate the baby carrots and cucumber slices and drank my water. I<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now I want to play a game with Kristen. We talked about this earlier, she\u2019s been tasked with finding me before every meal and making me go and my goal is to hide from her (and Dr. Parsley) and sleep through PM snack, a strawberry shake. I can feel my stomach telling me to eat more, which is a perfect time to test my strength and my, \u201cI don\u2019t want to eat\u201d mantra. Oh boy, I think i\u2019m back and at least part way on the \u201cfuck recovery\u201d train. I want them to step me down to PHP with me at a calorie deficit and weight loss, just because I think it\u2019s kind of funny. What\u2019s the point of eating if I don\u2019t have a goal? What\u2019s the point of eating if I\u2019m being stepped down, regardless of how I eat while I\u2019m here? Like, I genuinely don\u2019t care. I want to step down, because I\u2019ll be able to restrict a lot easier. I can tell them I\u2019m eating dinner, when I\u2019m actually not. I can skip groups, meals and snacks, just by staying in my apartment. I have literally no intent on completing this program. Danielle was right. It\u2019s just going to be a huge failure. Danielle was right, I\u2019m just going to say whatever I need to say to get the fuck out of here so that I can go back to what I was doing before. I don\u2019t think anorexia made me unhappy. I think my life falling apart in front of me made me unhappy. With the negative energy gone, I don\u2019t think it will be as bad. I have Brandon to keep me company on weekends and Susan and I have a busy schedule leading up to Friday. So, I feel like everything is going to fall into place for me. I just have to do the rest of this shit, so it looks like I complied and the state leaves me and juniper the fuck alone. I just want this divorce over with, the house paid for and to move on with my life. I hope Brandon will eventually give up his poly life and dedicate himself to me. I don\u2019t mind what\u2019s her name that he hangs out with on most weekends. They don\u2019t have sex. But I\u2019d prefer it if he ended it with his other partners. I can take care of his needs and I want him to be part of my family life. But that\u2019s not feasible if he\u2019s always on the go, always trying to make some function or another. I need stability and consistency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m not sure where to hide. I was going to crawl underneath some furniture, but all the furniture has people on it, so that feels a little weird. I don\u2019t want to look weird or creepy or something. AHHHHHH! I don\u2019t know. I think Kristen is going to win this round today. But there\u2019s always tomorrow. I don\u2019t think she\u2019ll be here tomorrow, so I\u2019ll just stay in my room during room time and not go to lunch. I\u2019m glad I restricted most of my lunch today and I can pretty much guarantee that I\u2019ll skip HS snack. FUUUUUCK. Is this the ED talking? My mom kept saying that she\u2019s telling everyone how well I\u2019m doing. I\u2019m not doing well, I\u2019m barely skating by with a D-. The only thing that I\u2019m really doing correctly is not leaving AMA. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s another freezing ass cold day in the hallways here. It\u2019s around 40 degrees outside and I think they have the A\/C running or something, because it\u2019s only about 65 degrees inside. I\u2019m going to order a fucking thermometer and carry it with me everywhere that I go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a quiet crowd in here today. The group room is shut down because our MC has to bounce between units and PHP. I\u2019ve literally only seen her for like 30 minutes today. We are over capacity. They have 7 people in 2E, and while they have 11 more beds, they only have 1 nurse and 1 BHT. I guess there are some legal parameters around the ratio of staff to patient that they have to meet, which makes sense. Kind of related, they keep talking about how I can step down and then step back up if I need to, which of course would be awful. But one of my biggest concerns is that they would put me on 2E or even put me upstairs, where I hear it is always colder and more miserable. Although, I do hear they are pretty fun up there. I don\u2019t want to try PHP and fail and have to come back to Willow, that would be shitty. But I don\u2019t want to complete PHP either. I am going to break all the rules, skip all the meals, refuse all the groups, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Susan said she would smuggle me a coffee drink, so I\u2019m going to have her do it next week when they come to visit. Besides, I\u2019ll be discharging in 11 days, then it\u2019s game on Red Bull zero sugar. Game. Fucking. On.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m sorry if you\u2019re reading this and it\u2019s bringing you down. Just remember, recovery isn\u2019t linear. Tomorrow, I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll wake up and feel much better about the whole thing again. And then something will bring me down and make me feel bad about the whole thing again. And then I\u2019ll repeat the cycle over and over, until they put me in that apartment and I stop eating altogether and skip groups. Or maybe I won\u2019t. Maybe I\u2019ll see my friends there and they will encourage me to carry on and I\u2019ll do great. Who fucking knows? I just know that most of what they\u2019ve talked about in terms of being treats or rewards, sounds absolutely abhorrent to me. Cooking, being responsible for my own meals, group after group after group. I just don\u2019t see myself thriving. I\u2019m barely making it to groups here, now. I\u2019ve figured out ways to skip meals and snacks without drawing much attention. I just don\u2019t want to eat. I do not want to eat. I don\u2019t want my peers to be disappointed, but I really don\u2019t want to eat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was hiding under a chair. Kristen was nowhere to be found. Then some lady who I don\u2019t even know (asian looking, blue hair) says, \u201caren\u2019t you going to go to snack? Looks like they forgot you.\u201d What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I just said, \u201cyes\u201d and pretended like I had fallen asleep and didn\u2019t hear. I don\u2019t want to do art group, so I\u2019m going to go hide by nursing. Jesus. If they come find me for art, I give the fuck up. And I swear there was someone at the double doors fucking waiting on me. What is this shit. Like literally everyone in the building is fucking making me go eat. I don\u2019t want to eat you fuckers. It\u2019s like they all know, if I show up at the table, I\u2019ll probably eat. But if I can avoid the cafe altogether, I don\u2019t even miss the snack. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m ducking out of art group and I don\u2019t feel bad. The teacher is a little too hippie for me and plus, I just don\u2019t want to do art today. I\u2019ve been writing, that is my art. It\u2019s the being around a bunch of people though that really bothers me. I don\u2019t want to be part of the peer group today. Rachel is with me. She\u2019s pacing instead. Ok, weird asian blue haired lady is leaving the nursing area. I\u2019m going to curl up in a ball by nursing. Maybe Alana will see me and take pity on me and let me go to my room. I really, really don\u2019t want any part of dinner or HS snack. I\u2019m determined to stay away. Ok, she left the area. The coast is clear. I\u2019m going for a nap. That nurse that misgendered me is down there. She already feels pretty bad for me and I think she\u2019s going to probably be really nice to me out of guilt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 4:58 PM and dinner is looming. Fuck Dr. Parsley and his no nap policy. I will nap and I will do so proudly. I mean, don\u2019t I still have plenty of sleep pressure if I fall asleep at 9 PM on the nose. I just woke up, but I could go back to sleep. And the cleaning crew totally left my room open. I\u2019m thinking, if I sneak back in my room now, Kristen will be totally thrown off guard, because she\u2019s expecting my door to be closed and locked. She might not notice me not being there until she\u2019s in the cafe. And what if she\u2019s already sat down, what are the odds that she\u2019d get back up to come find me. I\u2019d say, with her level of motivation, maybe 5:1. That\u2019s pretty good odds, I\u2019ll take a 20% chance any day of the week for a bet that has no repercussions. It\u2019s all upside really. And if I win, it\u2019s a pretty big win. A missed dinner and \u00bc eaten lunch is a pretty huge score for the day in terms of restricting. I love it because I\u2019m just fucking with them at this point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kristen is in splataaah. I\u2019m doing it. Going to sneak down to my room, lay on my bed and write with headphones in and play dumb.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019d like to say, I\u2019ve started a mail blitz revolution here at ERC. SO MANY PACKAGES and most of them are just clothes or other fun shit. You\u2019re welcomed ladies. Glad I could make you stay here at ERC so much more fun. It\u2019s like a fashion show up in this bitch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Kristen caught me. FUCK! She\u2019s too good at her job. But I love her, so I\u2019m going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gross, gross, gross. I\u2019m soooo fucking tired of cheese quesadillas, but anything else I try beyond that, I just won\u2019t eat. Case and point, lunch. Gross. Gross. Gross. It was like some sort of pita bread and hummus. Did I talk about this already? Anyways. I\u2019m over it. It doesn\u2019t matter, lots of people step down to PHP from Phase I. Apparently, the phases are just a lie. It doesn\u2019t matter if you eat or not. Let me out of this place. I want to step down tonight. I\u2019m tired of being here. I\u2019m tired of eating the same thing. I don\u2019t want to eat anything. I\u2019m so over food. I just want to relapse already and go home. I feel like I\u2019m cheating with my diet of three things anyways. If I have to choose a life of cheese quesadillas or death, give me death. Quiet, gentle, sleeping death. Ohh no\u2026 so not recovery focused. This path isn\u2019t linear. Let\u2019s call this a low point in the night. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So here\u2019s the plan for the rest of the night. Go to the med window at 6:30 PM to get a good spot. Get night time meds. Go lay down in my room and fall asleep before HS snack. How many snacks do you think I miss before they try and talk to me about it. I wonder if they\u2019re figuring it out. If I\u2019m stepping down regardless, then I\u2019m going to eat what I want and when I want. Unless Kristen chases me down and makes me go to meals. Guess what? She doesn\u2019t work tomorrow. Shawna is sweet, but she\u2019s not going to track me down the way Kristen does. I was actually surprised at how well she\u2019s done over the past few days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I sent Brandon this photo and asked him if I was giving off \u201ccelebrity at the airport vibes?\u201d He said, \u201c I think you look adorable and stylish.\u201d He gets it right literally every time. He\u2019s the best, I want to keep him. Thanks Brandon \u2764\ufe0f\u2764\ufe0f\u2764\ufe0f\u2764\ufe0f\u2764\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just had a nice video call with Jude. Apparently, last night I didn\u2019t talk to her long enough and she got upset, so I talked to her for 10 or 15 minutes. I get so frustrated with my mother. She keeps interrupting me talking to Jude. I\u2019m asking Juniper questions, I don\u2019t need her to respond for Jude. Jude can tell me on her own. It\u2019s really annoying. And then she does the, \u201cguess what I did?\u201d BS. I hate that. It\u2019s annoying. Like, why are you making this fucking conversation about you. I\u2019m talking to Juniper. I don\u2019t want to know what you did at the house. I want to hear Juniper talk to me. And she can\u2019t hold the camera so I can see Jude for some reason. It\u2019s weird. \u201cMOM IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.\u201d ****le sigh**** Grace. Give her grace. I need to figure out a way to communicate these things to her without hurting her feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She also \u201chim\u2019d\u201d me two or three times in that call. That shit is obnoxious. I don\u2019t think she\u2019s even trying. Compound that with the TWO nurses that did that today. One apologized (twice and I could tell she felt really bad), but the other one didn\u2019t even correct herself. I know it\u2019s not intentional and I screw up sometimes with the they\/them’s ENBYS but, it still hurts my feelings a little bit. That\u2019s why I like dressing ultra fem and I feel like if I don\u2019t, I get misgendered. It\u2019s so frustrating. Oh well. Next topic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s something I can say I love about Brandon and Susan. You know, Susan has not once misgendered me. She knew me for at least 6 months as [DEADNAME] and yet, she hasn\u2019t messed up one time. I wish Susan was my Mom. She\u2019s so normal. She has normal social skills, she talks about normal stuff. And horses. Ok, I don\u2019t want a different Mom. I just want a Mom that\u2019s self-aware. And Brandon, he treats me like a delicate princess. I even like how he talks to me like I\u2019m a girl. Not condescending or anything, but just likes to give me his man advice. It\u2019s cute. I can honestly say that I am the most myself with him. My voice goes up in pitch and softens. I feel the most feminine with my arms holding on to him and with his hands holding mine. I\u2019m just Clara to him, he sees me as nothing else. It\u2019s been like that since our first date. I adore him. I\u2019m gushing again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Seeing Juniper more is the #1 reason for getting out of here. Seeing Brandon and having time alone with him is my #2 reason for getting out of here. I can\u2019t wait to be held by him again and to snuggle him all night, under his arm. I get the tingles just thinking about it all up and down my body.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I woke up at 11 PM, then 2 AM, then 4 AM, then at 5:30 AM and for some reason, I\u2019m ok with that. I\u2019m not angry with this morning for the first time in several weeks. I feel tired, but refreshed. Maybe today will be nice. It\u2019s another grey day outside, but I\u2019m feeling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-30","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=30"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30\/revisions\/35"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=30"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=30"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=30"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/okclara.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/05\/image-1-1024x768.jpeg\")
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