It\u2019s a dark, dreary, rainy morning and I\u2019ll be honest, I\u2019ve got a bad attitude. I\u2019m trying to work on that though, I\u2019ve got \u2018In Rainbows\u2019 blasting in my ear buds. It just feels like a radiohead kind of day. I\u2019m preparing myself for the inquiry that\u2019s going to come because of this weekend\u2019s decisions to skip meals, snacks, etc. Here\u2019s the way I see it, and I\u2019m probably wrong here, but, my discharge date is what it is. Well, maybe. I\u2019ll either be sent home on the 26th or the 1st. I don\u2019t really care which one and frankly, I\u2019m ready to get out of here. But if that\u2019s the date and everything I\u2019m doing is just because, \u201cI\u2019m upset about my discharge date\u201d, then fuck it. That\u2019s the bad attitude, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My sleep has sucked for over a week now, waking up at midnight and occasionally drifting in and out of sleep. But my thoughts when I do wake are usually full of anger or sadness that trigger severe anxiety. I didn\u2019t pace around this morning though, I just doom scrolled TikTok. I can see the addiction, even though most of what I watched were dumbass videos in my feed programmed by the algorithm, which is probably just trying to figure out what I like. Well, I can tell you what I don\u2019t like. These shit videos that say like and comment to see the conclusion of the video. It\u2019s the new clickbait. If I still gave a shit about marketing, I\u2019d be all over that shit. It\u2019s so easily replicable. And the ads are not that clever, probably fiverr actors and the whole production cost $1000, so with a $100 product and $1000 in ad spend, you could probably triple your money pretty quickly. And it\u2019s all dropship operations with chinese made shit. Anyways. I don\u2019t care about that any more. I can firmly say that marketing falls outside of my values at this point. I guess I have learned something from being here. I don\u2019t give a fuck about recovery, but I hate marketing. Fucking snake oil. I\u2019m embarrassed I was ever part of that industry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kind of funny, however. I found Janet\u2019s TikTok, \u201cJanet Does Makeup\u201d. Ok, J, first off, you need a better name. You\u2019re too generic and too broad. Second, aren\u2019t you a bit old to be showing off that beautiful face of yours? Janet was my boss for 3 years or so and I love her. But, i don\u2019t know, seeing her whore out on social media is just kind of nauseating. That shit was fine when we were 20 and trying to hustle. But you\u2019re too old. You need to be putting makeup on a younger face with bigger tits. I\u2019m just saying. They don\u2019t want to see us Janet. We\u2019re not interesting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I woke up with a grumble in my stomach. Funny how when I was in the weeds with anorexia I didn\u2019t have to worry about that. I literally only ate to make sure I stayed conscious and could get Juniper around. So, now I sit on the cusp on collapse and I\u2019m bargaining with myself. Is that where I want to be? I think maybe so. I\u2019m just feeling so let down by this process. The lack of ability for me to set my own goals and follow through with them is disappointing. I guess if I can\u2019t have control over my eating disorder, I just thought maybe I could have control over the recovery process. They let me down, \u201cmy team\u201d, and I don\u2019t think there\u2019s any coming back from that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, back to what I was saying earlier, I honestly just don\u2019t give a fuck. If I fall apart, if I eat, if I don\u2019t, I don\u2019t care. The only person that would be able to convince me to keep going is gone. I\u2019m not doing it for me. Sorry not sorry, or something. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cRemember the Whys\u201d is on a note card in front of Rachel at every meal. I don\u2019t really have any whys these days. I\u2019m not excited about anything and don\u2019t really want to live. So, yeh. That\u2019s how my day is starting. Why? Juniper. Yeh and I don\u2019t plan on going anywhere any time soon. I was surviving just fine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How am I feeling? Distrustful and weary. Why? This process has left me with the same feeling I had when we were at Children\u2019s Hospital. That there is an agenda that doesn\u2019t include what I want. I had to move down to the end of the hall, I couldn\u2019t help but feel like Jake was looking over my shoulder. Not that he was being a dick, but I think I\u2019ve been writing so much that every one is wondering, what the fuck is she writing about. He probably couldn\u2019t help but glance over. I don\u2019t blame him. Jake is alright, but this isn\u2019t exactly my shining moment and I\u2019m not sure I want him to read this morning\u2019s negative bullshit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nobody slept last night, that\u2019s the word on the street. But they all still have such positive attitudes. What\u2019s wrong with me? More conclusive evidence that I\u2019m just fucking broken and can\u2019t be fixed. We play this game called \u201cEssence\u201d in the cafe sometimes. I may have written about it before, I don\u2019t remember. But one of the questions the guesser will ask while trying to figure out the picked person is, \u201cIf you were a car, what kind of car would you be?\u201d Up until this point, I would hope that someone at least said something German, but a 2 door M3 Coupe. Today, I\u2019m just a rusted out, \u201878 Chevy Nova. I\u2019m held together by duck tape and super glue and just to get me started you have to hand prime the carburetor. I have four doors, but only the rear passenger side opens and that requires a crowbar. I shouldn\u2019t even be on the road, I\u2019m a liability. Did those things even have seat belts? I give off an obscene amount of emissions. I alone am responsible for global warming. I\u2019m so rusty they wouldn\u2019t even give me an antique license plate. They just laughed and gave me the number for the junk yard. Not for parts mind you. Just to be squished into a heap of metal and eventually thrown into a furnace somewhere. So that\u2019s my plea to anyone reading this. Throw me into the furnace. Spare me the evaluation, you\u2019ll just be disappointed. I know I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My makeup looks like shit and I don\u2019t care. My hair is probably messed up because I changed hoodies in my room. Seriously. Kill me. But today it\u2019s all sunshine and rainbows as far as anyone else is to know. I\u2019m done being honest with anyone, including myself. 0,0 are my safety numbers. Get me out of here sooner than later. No loud thoughts today and my value is hope. No vulnerabilities to speak of. Sunshine and rainbows. Can I stay safe here at ERC? Of course! What skills will you use, probably none. Will I let the nurse know if that changes? Why the fuck would I do that? No. I tried doing that and the bitch told me to fuck off, so fuck nursing and fuck the staff. Safe as a baby bundled up in her car seat. Four straps, equalized distribution of force. Crush resistant. Nothing to worry about over here. Just mind your business and keep moving. Fuck you. And that\u2019s the nurse that I like, lol. Bailey is a bit of a cunt. She didn\u2019t even deserve a cordial, \u201cGood Morning\u201d, because I could see her eyes roll when she got my weight this morning. Fuck Bailey. Go over to 2E you cunt. Wow, I\u2019m in a mood. I make myself cringe when I read this. I don\u2019t want to be around anyone today. I want to crawl into a hole and rot. I\u2019m in the wrong fucking building. They should have sent me to the human scrap heap across the way. They could pull me apart for spare bits and junk the rest in one of those yellow bins. Hazardous waste. That\u2019s what I am today. I\u2019m a hazard for myself and anyone I come into contact with and I should be headed to the incinerator. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe I\u2019ll stop hormones and just go back to the old me. At least I had white male privilege. I doubt if anyone would even notice what I weighed, if I was depressed, if I was anything. And I get better pay, better opportunities, people don\u2019t interrupt when I talk. Like, literally, what the actual fuck was I thinking. That\u2019s like having Park Place and Board Walk with hotels and trading them for those shitty purple ones that no one even remembers the name of. I\u2019m playing to lose, not win. I could save my head, grow a beard, or not, it doesn\u2019t matter. I could actually pull my skin off and no one would notice. I could stop crying and just go back to being angry all the time. People fear anger. Fear gets respect. Do you know what tears get you? A miserable fucking divorce. I can\u2019t think of one fucking thing that I like about myself today. I\u2019m just a freak of nature and I\u2019m tired of being that. What the fuck was I thinking? Stupid Danielle and her gentle nudges. Maybe this was her plan all along. Turn me into some meek freakshow with tits so she could run away with lover boy, back to Nashville. It\u2019s where she belongs, she and all of her hatred. And I belong in the scrap heap with Chuck, Matt and the rest of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My stomach hurts, my head hurts, I\u2019m dizzy. I\u2019m going to eat a breakfast I don\u2019t want and wait at the end of the hall in that chair that can see all the way down to the double doors. I\u2019ll wait to be summoned. And then I\u2019m going to say whatever they want to hear. Or I won\u2019t. I don\u2019t know. Maybe I\u2019ll be honest, \u201cI don\u2019t care any more. Change the meal plan all you want. I\u2019m not going to eat it unless I\u2019m hungry or it looks appetizing. My goal is no longer recovery, it\u2019s getting the fuck out of here. \u2018Suuuurrrrreee, I\u2019ll do PHP\u2019\u201d, I\u2019ll say. That part is a lie. I\u2019m not doing PHP. I don\u2019t want to do the work. They are right, I\u2019ve outgrown Willow. It has nothing else to offer me. \u201cYeah girl, it\u2019s 0,0\u201d Sunshine and RAINBOWS today.\u201d I\u2019ll go home and continue on, because that\u2019s what I have to do. I don\u2019t have a choice. And I do enjoy my time with little Bee. I miss her so much. She\u2019s my everything, so I\u2019m not going to kill myself, not intentionally. I\u2019m not going to hang myself or slit my wrists. But I\u2019m not going to do anything to save my life either. I\u2019m going to eat what I want. Vape if I want. Smoke weed if I want. I\u2019m going back to freedom. Danielle was right, this didn\u2019t work. I failed. I\u2019m ok with that. Recovery and I just don\u2019t share the same goals. Please, discharge me. Let me go. I don\u2019t want to fight any more. I don\u2019t want to be part of this community any more. And I definitely don\u2019t want any friends. I just want to go back to my little hobbit hole and do what I need to do to get by. I\u2019m not talking to anyone else. I\u2019m just smiling and nodding from this point forward. I\u2019m not sharing my feelings and I\u2019m done being vulnerable. I\u2019m done giving compliments and I\u2019m done fitting in or not fitting in, because it doesn\u2019t matter. These people don\u2019t matter, just like I don\u2019t matter. Discharge me tonight if you want. I want to go home. I don\u2019t want to care any more. I have learned that it\u2019s all just bullshit anyways. That they aren\u2019t really there if you need them. That I haven\u2019t grown or changed at all. That I don\u2019t like groups anymore. That I miss my sugar free redbull. That I miss my perfectly flat belly. That recovery is just fucking lying to yourself until you believe that you are happy with your own imperfections. It\u2019s all a big fucking lie. I hate this shit. I do. I really fucking hate it and I\u2019m done. Sorry ladies, I\u2019m fucking over it. Danielle used to say that all the time, \u201cI\u2019m over it\u201d and it hurt every time she said it. Well, you were right Danielle and I get it now. I\u2019m fucking over it. I\u2019m tired of groundhog day. I\u2019m ready for freedom of choice again. I\u2019m done with dinner questions. I\u2019m done being supportive. I\u2019m done being done. Fuck everyone and everything. \u201cHi Kiki, you lovely sweet lady, FUCK YOU TOO.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, 8:33 am and I have to admit it, breakfast improved my mood quite a lot. It started with Manon not getting her coffee because she apparently forgot to circle it. Kylee, who was sitting across from her, gave Manon her coffee. Just a little act of kindness, but I know it made her day. It kind of made mine. About halfway through the meal, I saw Kristen, \u201cThe Enforcer\u201d, looking at Kylee\u2019s place and then Manon\u2019s and her eyes going back and forth. She totally saw what happened and didn\u2019t say anything. I think Kristen is a favorite around here. Even though she enforces the rules, she also knows when to let the little things slide. Example: I was on the way to breakfast putting on chapstick and I think I heard her say, \u201cyou better put it away.\u201d I have to assume she was talking to me, since chapstick is banned outside of splataaah. But it\u2019s a dumb rule and Kristen knows it. Other rules though, she will definitely enforce. Staying out of our rooms, unless it\u2019s room time, she\u2019s really big on enforcing. Table talk rules are another one that she will enforce. But it\u2019s okay, she\u2019s actually really nice and smiles all the time. I think she really enjoys her job and enjoys being on our unit. That\u2019s really cool, someone that finds purpose in what they do. She\u2019s also very smart and cultured. She spent a year (I think) teaching English in Thailand after finishing her degree in Sign Language Interpreter or some shit like that. She claims that she forgot most of her sign language while she was teaching English, so she never pursued a job in that. I guess maybe sign language is like any language we learn later in life, use or lose it. I can barely even say, \u201cI speak french like a 2 year old\u201d any more. Sad. And I know what I said about Kiki earlier. I didn\u2019t mean it. She\u2019s so sweet and she says the nicest things to me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just feel like I\u2019ve been a big part of their team meeting in the mornings and so everyone is on guard about me, but I\u2019m not exactly sure what that means. It\u2019s frustrating not knowing what\u2019s being said about me and how that\u2019s affecting their perception of me. Do they think I\u2019m faking it or something now? I don\u2019t know. But it does make me hesitant to be open and honest. And there is pretty much a 0% chance of me talking to nursing or anyone else about what\u2019s going on, especially SH\/SI. I\u2019m just going to ride the fucking wave today and try to get out of here sooner than later. Honestly, let\u2019s discharge this week, if that\u2019s what my team wants. I\u2019m done \u201cadvocating\u201d for myself. And I\u2019ll at least try PHP, because I feel like once I get over there and see my friends, I\u2019ll feel more motivated to continue. I\u2019m just stuck right now. I think Dr. Parsley was right, I\u2019ve been ready for a while. I shouldn\u2019t have kept putting it off, I should just roll with the punches. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My values today have changed since breakfast. I want to be honest with myself and my team and my goals. I want to see how we can work together to set goals that we can agree on and go from there. I need to be more open to their thoughts, but at the same time, continue advocating for myself. I guess the biggest part of my frustration is feeling unheard. I appreciate what Dr. Parsley was saying about weight goals. I hear that the literature supports getting to a weight that is an average of where you weight has been. And I hear him saying that he would potentially look for more data, so that they could make a better recommendation. From his point of view, he\u2019s stuck, too. He can\u2019t make a medical recommendation that isn\u2019t supported by the research. Okay. Fair. I would challenge that by saying nearly all of the data he\u2019s probably looked at is based on cis gender people. Courtney said she hadn\u2019t read much on trans women because the studies hadn\u2019t been done. I know from Psychology Classroom that this simply isn\u2019t true. At the time of recording her podcast on transgender women and eating disorders, she said there were over 200 peer reviewed papers, so actually an obscene amount of data. I would feel more comfortable with their suggestions knowing that they actually read this literature, looked at outcomes and still came up with the same conclusion. But since that\u2019s not going to happen, how can their decision and goals be trusted? I\u2019m going to advocate for a target weight of 135, not 140. Once we reach that goal, then we can reassess, but I need to know that\u2019s the goal we\u2019re trying to reach. At that point, then we can make a decision on what to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, let\u2019s talk positives about stepping down to PHP. Here\u2019s my list so far:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, just for the sake of argument, let\u2019s make a cons list:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess those are my main cons. Lots of upside to getting out of here though. I have to remember that when I start to feel down. Like, seriously guys, I\u2019m not upset that I\u2019m leaving anymore. I\u2019m over it. June 1 or May 26 or tomorrow, I\u2019m okay stepping down. I was holding on to something that wasn\u2019t real by prolonging my stay here. My value today is honesty. Honesty with myself first. I\u2019m scared. I know that my mental health isn\u2019t great, it hasn\u2019t been since I was 14-15 years old. However, I don\u2019t feel as depressed. I think the lexapro might be helping that some. If I stick with PHP, I\u2019ll still have access to Dr. Parsley for another 8 weeks. Our conversation the other day gave me more respect for him. He didn\u2019t talk down to me or dumb down the conversation. That doesn\u2019t mean I agree with the weight goal, but at least he was respectful and I didn\u2019t feel like he was just reading from a playbook. He didn\u2019t use the Dr. tone. I\u2019m not sure how I\u2019m going to deal with the rest of \u201cmy team\u201d though. I really dislike Courtney and Alina (if that\u2019s her fucking name). I know I shouldn\u2019t be this black and white about things, that\u2019s not the right way to approach things. But I think they are spineless and I don\u2019t feel like they are on my side. Especially Alina. I do begrudge her for pulling me out of my room in front of everyone that day. She didn\u2019t trust me. I don\u2019t know how I can trust her. I\u2019m going to be cordial. I\u2019m not going to apologize. I\u2019m going to answer in as few words as possible any question she may ask. I will do my best to be honest with her, I just won\u2019t go into a lot of detail. With Courtney I think it becomes a little more challenging. I need her to get on board with my weight goal, even if there is a caveat that we can reassess behavior once I reach 135 lbs. That\u2019s the major sticking point I have with her. I don\u2019t feel comfortable increasing my meal plan any more, because I don\u2019t want to start rapidly gaining weight. I worry that I\u2019ll start and then it just won\u2019t stop. I think they know that\u2019s what will happen and they\u2019re counting on it. All over this place there are signs and sticky notes that say, \u201cyou\u2019re more than a number on a scale\u201d and \u201cYou\u2019re more than an image in a mirror.\u201d What they don\u2019t account for is the fact that me having a block body is going to make me more clockable as a transwoman. It\u2019s something that I don\u2019t think cis people can truly understand or empathize with, because it\u2019s something that they will never go through. It\u2019s not their fault, it\u2019s just not something they can understand. My passing or not being stared at is very dependent on how I look. I was born into the wrong body and those male traits that I hate so much become so much more noticeable if I\u2019m not small. So, yeh. I\u2019m not willing to go over 135. That\u2019s a good weight for me. Also, I just thought of this, but part of my weight prior to the eating disorder was muscle mass. I have lost muscle so naturally, I\u2019m going to be on the lighter side of things. And they might not use BMI as a measurement, but many doctors and scientists do and at 135, I\u2019m around 22 BMI which is on the low end of normal, which is exactly where i should fall. I don\u2019t know how to come to terms with my body in any other way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel like this stuff is all boring and I want to journal about some sort of other self-reflection or introspective shit. I want to have that breakthrough moment where it all clicks for me and I\u2019m body neutral or something like that. I keep waiting and it just keeps not happening. And my thoughts ruminate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am I willing to engage with strong emotions today? \u201cMeh\u201d was my answer. I did that yesterday and it took me down a dark road. I sat in the pain, just like I\u2019m supposed to do. But I don\u2019t feel better, even today. Well maybe a little, I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s hard to say. I still miss Danielle. I still miss our family. I still have so much self-hatred. I still wish I had a time machine and I could do things differently. What would I do differently? I don\u2019t know. Maybe I\u2019d never take the Petstore job and never meet Danielle. All the love songs say the pain is worth the joy of falling in love, but I just don\u2019t see it that way. Danielle did save my life after the split with Lindsay though, I can say that. I was actively thinking of ways to end my life at that point until she started texting me back. See, here I go again, feeling these feelings. The grief, the loss. My person. I didn\u2019t want to give up my person. I wanted to stay with her forever, she just gave up on me. Maybe that\u2019s what hurts the most. The first promise she made to me was, \u201cI\u2019ll never stop trying.\u201d And yet, she did. I didn\u2019t stop trying, but she did. She gave herself to someone else, her mind first, then her body. She made up reasons to stop trusting me. They were bullshit. I don’t want to go down this dark road today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a rainy day in Denver and even though I\u2019m at the end of the hall where there are no windows, I can still feel the gray. And I guess that\u2019s just how I feel, grey. The rain is good and I actually like grey days, so I don\u2019t see this as an absolute negative. It\u2019s more neutral or necessary. We must have grey and rainy days. We must sometimes be grey ourselves. For me, that means not having strong emotions one way or another today. Maybe a skip day from all the feelings. Maybe today is just a day. A normal, average day. Maybe I\u2019m neither enthused or repulsed by recovery today. Recovery just is, just as am I. I don\u2019t always have to be joy and sunshine or spitfire and exhaust. Maybe I should stop searching for the supposed joy and just exist and see what happens. Is this my breakthrough moment? Am I finally seeing the light or something? I don\u2019t know. I say that a lot. I don\u2019t know, because the answers are so blurry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s start here, with this mantra: \u201cI exist in a neutral space, neither good nor bad.\u201d Today just is, it\u2019s neither good nor bad. I don\u2019t have to label every day in black and white, because life isn\u2019t black and white. Grey exists in all various shades and it\u2019s ok to be grey. I choose today to exist in a neutral shade of grey, neither sinking into the earth or lifting up to the heavens. I am. Today will have uplifting moments that make me smile and laugh and will have downward spiraling moments that make me uncomfortable. It will also have neutral moments, where I just exist. I will survive the three, regardless. Today I exist in grey. Today I exist in a neutral space, neither good nor bad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have 11 minutes before snack time. I need to give Eleana her kudos. That means buying an amazon certificate, printing it out and writing her a note that hopefully has some meaning. I haven\u2019t spoken to her, so I can\u2019t say what I like about her. I can only say what I see. She\u2019s here and she\u2019s trying and she can\u2019t fail unless she quits. That\u2019s true for all of us here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At least my snack was normal today. Back to the regular ol\u2019 strawberry shake. I think they got the message. God only knows what they\u2019ll say to me when I get pulled later. I think my response is going to be, \u201cWe have time to work on this in PHP, right?\u201d Posed as a question instead of a command. It\u2019s less aggressive and gives them the illusion that it\u2019s their decision. That\u2019s what people in authority over your life want, right? Is that thought too negative? Let\u2019s reframe. Letting them make the final decision is the best way to ensure I\u2019m getting the most out of my care. There. Was that so hard? I can be positive. I can have recovery oriented thoughts. Proof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I\u2019m even going to go to group today. Look at me. So many recovery oriented thoughts. Dr. Parsley gave me a stare down as he pulled Raine from group. Tongue lashing on its way. Is that too negative? Let\u2019s reframe. Dr. Parsley and\/or the other members of \u201cmy team\u201d are going to provide feedback regarding my weekend, the PHP stepdown plan, my meal plan and my weight restoration goals. Oh boy, that was a mouthful. The anxiety snowball is rolling, but I want to use this journal and my other coping skills to try and manage it. Let\u2019s start with some music. I started \u201cIn Rainbows\u201d this morning, but paused on \u201cThe Reckoner\u201d, so I\u2019m going to pick up where I left off. Rooms will be open in a few minutes, so I\u2019m going to use that quiet time to regroup before my lunch challenge, whatever that might be. And I\u2019m going to continue working on my \u201cPros\u201d list of reasons to leave Willow and rejoin the functioning adult world. I\u2019m going to try and diffuse any negative thoughts, FUCK YOU MR. NEGATIVE. I\u2019m going to give myself some compassion for not being perfect and not just jumping in line and doing as I\u2019m told. I\u2019m going to write a letter to my entire team expressing my new found excitement to step down, so that there is no room for interpretation, I am sticking to the goal. I\u2019m ready for the next challenge. Boom, reframed, BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had a productive meeting with Alina and Courtney. I guess. They didn\u2019t push any meal plan changes on me, we didn\u2019t discuss weight and we discussed some of the most basic PHP goals, along with the safety elements that I\u2019m most concerned about. I asked for one month in the apartments here before trying to transition home and they seemed to agree with that. I think we\u2019re all on the same page that the transition home is going to be the biggest challenge for me. We also discussed, just as Dr. Parsley and I discussed that if it\u2019s too much being in the apartments, then the opportunity to step back up will be there. I don\u2019t know how much I believe that, knowing what I know about hospitals and how they like to run, but I want to trust them. Further, Courtney apologized for the unexpected changes to my meal plan over the weekend. She swears she didn\u2019t make any unannounced changes and I\u2019m stuck having to believe her. I think that hopefully we\u2019re all on the same page with the meal plan. I don\u2019t want to increase my meal plan right now. I don\u2019t care if my weight is trending. I don\u2019t want to trend up. I\u2019m not comfortable with trending up. I want to keep it the same. I\u2019m not a statistic, I am an individual and if it is as they are saying my choice at the end of the day, then I choose to maintain my weight, which is healthy. I don\u2019t need to weigh 150 lbs. to recover. I\u2019ll do the other work, I focus on the emotions and feelings that lead to the eating disorder to begin with. I\u2019ll sit with the pain. I\u2019ll do most of the groups and stuff. I can do the work, but I won\u2019t support big weight gains. That part I am firm about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I also can\u2019t promise that I\u2019m going to go to every meal or snack for the next 13 days or whatever. I\u2019m going to pick and choose what I eat. I\u2019m going to PHP regardless, so I no longer have any expectation for myself to keep challenging myself. There\u2019s no point in stressing out over going to meals and snacks that make me feel like shit, if the end result is the same. I\u2019m going to PHP and I\u2019m going to go with a positive attitude. I\u2019m looking forward to seeing my friends there and I\u2019m looking forward to moving on from the hospital setting. I\u2019m happy with June 1st as a stepdown date. I\u2019ll accept an earlier date if insurance gives pushback. I don\u2019t care. I\u2019m indifferent to the date at this point. I am so disappointed in Nurse Bailey yesterday and how I was treated, as some sort of burden. I need a friend to talk to and she told me to fuck off. I no longer feel that supported here anyways, I guess. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When it comes to what I eat and when I eat, I\u2019m probably going to be skipping any meal or snack I\u2019m supposed to provide for myself. I still don’t want to eat. That hasn\u2019t changed. I do want to get out of here, but I don\u2019t want to eat. I will likely be skipping dinners and snacks. I do not foresee myself doing any cooking or ordering in either. A lot of that has to do with trauma around Danielle. I just don\u2019t see a way to push past that. I don\u2019t want to cook. That was our thing and I don\u2019t want to do it any more. And I don\u2019t want to order in because so many of those foods are just poor food choices. Food doesn\u2019t excite me any more. It repulses me. There\u2019s just too much emotion tied to eating. That\u2019s why, in my opinion, I can drink supplements much easier than eating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In fact, if no one comes to get me for lunch right now, I\u2019m skipping that shit and taking a nap. I don\u2019t want to eat. I\u2019m not concerned about meals. I have no incentive to eat, that incentive was my own goal setting and that has been removed. I\u2019m actually very good at setting my own goals, I don\u2019t need to have those goals set for me. Maybe they are seeing that now? It kind of sounds like they are. Uh oh, I hear Kiki giving the lunch announcement. I\u2019m going to act like I didn\u2019t hear it and hope no one pops in my room. Kristen is MIA for some reason. I think they move her back and forth between us and 2E since they only have one BHT and one nurse. That gives their BHT a break or something maybe. I really want to just take a nap instead. I\u2019ll go to the next group, process with Amanda (hopefully). That\u2019s a productive group if we do what we\u2019re actually supposed to do and it doesn\u2019t just turn into some kind of a bitch fest. Not that I don\u2019t appreciate the ability to let it out regarding how we\u2019re treated here and problems and what not. But, process is supposed to be about those hard to talk about topics that might typically be off limits during other groups and certainly at meals. It\u2019s our one chance to say the tough things that many of us are thinking, but we\u2019re not supposed to say outloud. It\u2019s not as good as the APN process, because nothing was off limits there, but it\u2019s still better than our average group. I do get a lot out of that one. I don\u2019t \u201clike it\u201d per se, because it does take a toll emotionally. I guess any difficult emotion takes a toll, so where better to do that than with my peers. And I get so much insight from Priscilla and from Anelise. Kristen the enforcer just came to kick me out of my room. More on this later I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. THERE HAS BEEN A FIRE EMERGENCY REPORTED IN THE BUILDING. DO NOT USE THE ELEVATORS. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That was a fun lunch interruption.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck it\u2019s cold in this building. I\u2019m wearing my heaviest hoodie and hanging in the hallway while everyone gathers for process. I just don’t want to process today. I don\u2019t want to share 2-3 emotions with context. I just want to hide away. I want to sleep. I want to be cozy in my bed and close my eyes. If I go to process I will almost certainly fall asleep. I\u2019m pretty annoyed about the sitting situation, too. Katy took my seat, I took Polly\u2019s seat, Manon to my seat, I moved over to Ella\u2019s couch and Ella doesn\u2019t want to be rude, but she doesn\u2019t like sitting with me for some reason that she hasn\u2019t stated. I try not to take it too personally, maybe I\u2019m annoying. I\u2019m very fidgety and bounce my legs a lot and stuff. I just don\u2019t like sitting alone and I earned that couch seat and Katy kind of jacked my seat and I\u2019m kind of emo about the whole thing. Then I was fine with Katy as a couch mate, but Manon wants to sit with her roommate and that makes sense, but then that doesn\u2019t leave me anywhere to sit because of the Ella situation and that makes me sad. And it also makes me not want to go to group. I feel left out and frustrated. I earned that couch seat. I earned it.I would take Abigail\u2019s seat until she gets back or I leave, but I think Maddy likes that seat and I don\u2019t want to push Maddy further out. It\u2019s hard for her to go to group, so I want her to be comfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just don\u2019t think I can process today. And I don\u2019t feel like I have anything constructive to add to process. But mostly, I just don\u2019t want to be around everyone. I want to take a nap instead. I\u2019ve just had so many strong emotions for the last week. I don\u2019t feel like I can contribute any more. I\u2019m exhausted. Maybe this is one of my other big fears for PHP. It was briefly mentioned that there are even more groups in PHP and I\u2019m already struggling to be in a group these days. Mostly because these groups hit pretty hard. They\u2019re really targeted. Process is especially tough because someone almost always has a topic similar to something I\u2019m already feeling. Then all the feedback and all the thoughts around the feedback really kick me in the cunt. I just don\u2019t know what to do with myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Good news, my cherry coke shirt has arrived in the building. Not my leggings, not yet. But hopefully two of my new shirts. I need a shirt to wear with my green skirt too. I\u2019m going to wear it without leggings if I can get my legs smooth enough. Not that it matters. We\u2019re allowed to be hairy here. But, I will say, Brandon asked me about wearing skirts. So I was considering wearing my cutesy dress next Saturday, if he plans on coming. I might even do full makeup. But I\u2019ll need a commitment from him before mid afternoon that he\u2019s going to be here. I don\u2019t wanna doll up just for the girls on the unit. That\u2019s a lie, I do want to doll up, but I don\u2019t want anyone to think I\u2019m trying to be fancy or something. They take that shit really seriously, I feel like and they are going to judge my makeup hard. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wow, I\u2019m looking into the group room and it\u2019s literally everyone in there except me. I\u2019m an asshole, I guess. I just can\u2019t do process and I don\u2019t like the girl doing process today. I don\u2019t remember her name, but she did it last week. I think they stole Amanda from us. I need to hear music. I need to cope with my anxiety. And besides, what\u2019s my motivation for going to group, I\u2019m not trying to get to phase 2 anymore. And definitely not phase III, so who fucking cares. Maybe the girls, but my team is over it. I\u2019m stepping down. We have a schedule and nothing is going to stop that. If I skip lunch or dinner or snacks. If I skip groups. I\u2019m repeating myself. I need a good editor. Or maybe this writing is just trash, I\u2019m not sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Besides, I\u2019m using the coping skills that I said I was going to use today, journaling and music. I\u2019m still listening to \u201cIn Rainbows\u201d on repeat today. I\u2019m getting flashes of things I did with Danielle, both back when we were young and during our marriage. I miss our marriage so much. I miss our trips to Tagawa and planting the garden. I miss everything so much. Why can\u2019t she just come home and be normal again? Here I am about to cry again. The death of a marriage is worst than the death of a human in a way. When someone dies, especially of natural causes or in a car crash or something, they\u2019re gone from the earth. You bury them. You know they\u2019re in the ground. But with the death of a marriage it\u2019s so much worse. They\u2019re still alive to the people they chose to keep in their life, but they are dead to you. She is dead to me. I\u2019m not allowed to send her a message to see how she\u2019s coping. I\u2019m not allowed to tell her how I\u2019m doing. I\u2019m not allowed to be friends. We won\u2019t get together, even occasionally. We\u2019re apart. Alive, but apart. It\u2019s so sad. I feel sad and I miss her, even if she was bad to me. I miss her. I don\u2019t want to process this today. I don\u2019t want to engage with difficult emotions. I want to escape them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I need something to cheer me up. Do I need some friendly conversation or a game? I need a hug. I really just need a hug. I miss Kirsi, she left today and she was a reliable source of hugs. She and Polly, they were my gotos for hugs. I don\u2019t think I have anyone here for hugs now. We\u2019re just not on that level. Maybe that\u2019s part of outgrowing Willow. The people that I trusted and that trusted me have moved on and that\u2019s how I know it\u2019s time for me to go, too. I am grey today. I am neither good nor bad. Negative or positive. I just am. I must remain neutral today. Neutrality, the act of committing to nothing other than existing in the space I exist. That\u2019s where I am, a floating bag of molecules with no home and no feels. I am simply neutral. No strong opinions, good or bad. I just am. That\u2019s how I survive the rest of the WIllow venture. I\u2019m going to take some more hydroxyzine. I want more clonazepam, but that\u2019s probably unlikely. Bailey isn\u2019t going to help me out. The other nurse might, if I expressed my panic to her and try the hydroxyzine first. \u201cDear Nurse: I am neutral, neither good nor bad. To remain neutral, I need more benzodiazepines.\u201d Or some weed gummies. I\u2019d settle for weed gummies. I want to go home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I feel like the whole group room is staring at me, the outlier that didn\u2019t go to process. It\u2019s too crowded in there, the group room.. I\u2019m already panicked. I want to lie down. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to forget everything I\u2019ve learned. I want to run through the doors. I want to climb up the walls. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to run down the hall, shouting like a madwoman. I want to jump on the furniture and kick this puzzle next to me. I want to crush glass. I want to smoke a cigarette. I want to vape. I want to roll a blunt and smoke that. Kristen just locked my room. I\u2019m stuck out here for the remainder of the day. Chances of getting to skip dinner just dropped dramatically. And I can\u2019t go to dinner, but not eat. That\u2019s a bad look. Not showing up though. That just looks like I\u2019m having a rough day. Kristen is so good at her job, damnit. I can\u2019t sleep on this couch. I\u2019m going to go lie down in the corner by nursing. I want to give up. Neutrality, the act of convincing yourself that you\u2019re indifferent to all the things that matter most to you. Be neutral, Clara, be neutral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I get the rules and the structure here, it\u2019s one thing I actually like and feel like I\u2019ll be missing when I go to PHP. I know they\u2019ll try to give me structure, but I plan on flunking out, maybe. Anyways, the one thing I haven\u2019t figured out is why they keep it so fucking cold in here all the fucking time. The thermostat says it\u2019s 72, but there\u2019s no way. It\u2019s more like 65 and I\u2019m layered up as much as I can be, but my nipples are starting to hurt and once they start to hurt it’s like the point of no return. My whole boob just hurts and to get it to stop hurting I need something like a small heater, the sun or a blow dryer to get them warmed back up. No one gives you a warning about these things before you grow them. I mean, fuck, I\u2019ve bumped them into walls and counters and door ways and it\u2019s so painful. Don\u2019t laugh, that shit hurts. If you\u2019ve had them most of your life, I\u2019m sure you\u2019re used to it, but for me, having them for only 9 months or something, I\u2019m still learning the best way to protect them. Once I have surgery, at least I won\u2019t have to worry about the between the legs thing quite as much, but that\u2019s a way off. I\u2019m sure having a vagina comes with it\u2019s own disadvantages that no one is going to share with me until after the fact, too. I look forward to the experience, I suppose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had to ask Bailey for meds and it\u2019s like it\u2019s such a fucking chore for her. Well, guess what, your other nurse is on break or something, so you have to do her job. God knows I won\u2019t check in with you. I wouldn’t want to burden you with my mental illness problems. You, the psych nurse, are doing this to make a difference or maybe just for a paycheck. I\u2019m leaning towards a paycheck in your case. Wow. I guess I’m still processing that reaction from yesterday. It was such a fucking ridiculous reaction. Such a bitchy thing to say to someone that was reaching out for help. I don\u2019t always have all the right words Bailey, but I know I\u2019m in trouble and I know I need support and you\u2019re telling me to piss off. Oh and the nurse you sent me to, she\u2019s a condescending cunt. She literally just made me feel like an idiot with superficial bullshit lines of questioning. If you\u2019re not trained in doing checkins or whatever, maybe don\u2019t offer them shits. She literally just made me feel worse. And now I\u2019m still ruminating on that shit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHi Monica.\u201d She waved as she Kiki walked by. I want to hide and skip snack. I just don\u2019t want to eat today. I want to skip dinner. I might just hide in the corner or something, maybe behind the group room or something. If I pretend I\u2019m asleep they can\u2019t MAKE me go. I know, I know, I\u2019m supposed to be recovery focused, but I\u2019m feeling those urges. To restrict. To cut calories. To drop weight. I didn\u2019t exercise this morning, but not because I didn\u2019t feel the compulsion. It was mostly because I slept like shit, again, and didn\u2019t have the energy. Depressing as fuck. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Group is out, no more hiding. They moved the wheel chairs that were in the corner by the exam room. They were perfect for wedging myself in and curling up into little ball. Maybe I will go behind the group room and lay down flat. The question is, are the fancies done pulling patients for the day or not. It\u2019s 2:19 PM, so we\u2019re getting close to quitting time. I know Alina leaves at 3pm and I can assume the other follow suit, but who knows. Also, I don\u2019t want to miss mail time. Fuck, I want to go to my room. Why\u2019d she have to lock it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sleep. Journal. Eat. Sleep. Journal. Eat. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. I\u2019m going to skip dinner and HS snack tonight. I just don\u2019t want the calories and I don\u2019t want the group exposure\u2026 and it\u2019s not like I can just not eat in the cafe. If I go in there, I\u2019ll be expected to finish my meal. Me getting a supplement at this point is just kind of silly. But I do make a statement if I no show for a meal or snack. So that\u2019s the plan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What am I feeling? Indifferent. Why? Because my actions at this point have literally no bearing on anything. If I eat, if I don\u2019t, if I show up, if I don\u2019t, if I go to group, If I don\u2019t\u2026 it doesn\u2019t matter, the result is the fucking same. If I try and hang myself, if I slit my wrists, if I crush a cyanide capsule between my teeth or put a gun to my head, the treatment plan is the same. I\u2019m not getting any special privileges, like going out on pass, but I don\u2019t really want to go out. I don\u2019t like being outside of here. I\u2019m not losing anything. I don\u2019t have a goal. Well, I do, it just isn\u2019t their goal. I actually want to lose weight while I\u2019m still inpatient. Not having a goal is how I wound up on the 7 year college plan. It also led to at least 4 years of hell after school where I just tried to survive. I don\u2019t have a plan. I\u2019m going to live in the apartments here for at least another month. I\u2019m going to skip as many meals and snacks as possible. I\u2019m going to find a way to exercise as much as possible. I\u2019m going to try and drop calories. Oh no, am I being negative. Let\u2019s reframe. I don\u2019t want to see fat me when I look in the mirror, so I\u2019m going to do something about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why the fuck is it so cold in here? It\u2019s like 40 something degrees outside today and I swear their thermostats don\u2019t work or something. I know what 72 degrees feels like and this ain\u2019t it. My nipples are hard as rocks and hurt like fucking hell through a bra, a shirt and this thick ass hoodie. This shit is torture. Part of the reason I want to be in my room is because it stays slightly warmer in there and I have access to blankets and additional clothes. Why do they want us to freeze our asses off? I should pace for a couple of hours just to fucking warm my body up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019re having the last group right now and I\u2019m hanging out by the nursing station where no one can see me. Why go to group? There\u2019s no upside. It\u2019s just more stress and zero upside. I don\u2019t want to think about hard thoughts and hearing others cry is just too heart breaking. No, I\u2019m out here, recovering in my own way. I\u2019m writing down my thoughts. All the fucking thoughts that pervert my mind. Mr. Negative & Miss Sweets doing their battle of good and evil. Let\u2019m do what they do, I\u2019m just a tourist taking snaps and posting them to this page. I do want my packages though. I should have at least 3 today. So I\u2019ll chill down here by nursing and wait until I see Kiki carrying the massive box of packages down for distribution. Then I\u2019ll make my move and try to use that as an excuse to get into my room where I\u2019ll hide until after dinner. Hopefully it\u2019s Brandon in meds again tonight, then we can get our meds at 6:45 PM instead of 7:15. After everyone takes off for the cafe, I\u2019ll wait 20 minutes, then come sit by the med room so I\u2019ll be first to get my meds and watch Euphoria. Get my meds, change into my PJs and fake sleep or really sleep, whichever, until after HS snack, wash my face, brush my teeth and go the fuck to bed. Another ground hog day done. Wake up and do it again. Yeaaaah! Tomorrow is Tuesday. You know what happens on Tuesday? The same fucking shit that happened today + everybody gets labs drawn. I\u2019m hoping my bloodwork comes back whacked the fuck out. I don\u2019t think I restricted enough for that to happen, but I can always hope. I want them to step me down at a lower weight with fucked up blood, just as a fuck you. FUCK. SO NEGATIVE. Let\u2019s reframe. I want them to look like fucking idiots that don\u2019t know what they\u2019re doing. I\u2019m tired of this shit. VIOLA! Look at that. A little reframe and everything feels much lighter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My hands are ice cubes and so are my feet, despite wearing socks today. There is no saving my appendages from the cold hallway. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve restricted enough for it to affect my bloodflow. I\u2019d be super surprised. Okay. Nuff yappin. I\u2019m taking another nap until mail time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mail time success, I got all three packages without delay. In fact, everyone got their packages without delay and it took staff only minutes to hand out to giant crates of packages and watch each one get opened. I got so much cool shit. 2 pairs of leggings, a really cute polo-esque shirt and a cherry coke t-shirt that reminds of the Dr. Priscilla shirt Audra Esker used to wear in high school. We can have a talk about Audra Esker some time, but that time is not now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What we will talk about right now is how Kristen was on my fucking ass today about going to snacks and meals. I tried to hide at every meal and she came and found me every single fucking time. She actually came back from the cafe for lunch to come and get me. Then at dinner time, I thought I was being sneaky- there\u2019s this spot kind of behind the group room that\u2019s all tile\/stone and the carpet is grey and if you lay down really flat, it\u2019s almost impossible to see me on the mirror or the cameras. Kristen walked straight over, \u201cClara (she says my name right, OMG!), it\u2019s time for dinner\u201d and smiled. I can\u2019t help but really like Kristen. We all do. She\u2019s really good at her job, she\u2019s ultra professional. But at the same time, she doesn\u2019t really act like she\u2019s an authority figure. It\u2019s weird. I think we all just respect her, so she never really has to speak harshly or be rude. But she does draw a line in the sand and won\u2019t let you cross it. It\u2019s interesting. But it\u2019s rare that she\u2019s not smiling and making some kind of friendly conversation, especially in the cafe, at the most stressful times. She won\u2019t let there be awkward silence. And you can tell, she really cares about each and every person here. It\u2019s not put on or fake, it\u2019s legit. I think she has a really big heart. That\u2019s not to say that she didn\u2019t drive me crazy today, tracking me down for meals. I wanted to skip lunch and dinner, but what am I going to say when she comes and finds me, even after everyone is already in the cafe? I can\u2019t be mad at her, she\u2019s doing her job. I\u2019m sure there is a note in my chart or something telling them to come find me. I\u2019m going to ask her if I get a chance. But she\u2019s really derailing my weight loss plans. She won\u2019t be here for HS snack, however, so I plan on ducking out of that one. It\u2019s Mahalo Frank and Shawna (I think). Mahalo Frank is just so chill, I doubt he\u2019ll be on my ass. Shawna is really nice, too. And she\u2019ll try and get me to come, but if I act like I\u2019m asleep, she won\u2019t MAKE me come. \u201cClara, you coming to snack?\u201d, she\u2019ll say. Me: \u201cNo\u201d and she\u2019ll go about her business. I just feel like I\u2019ve eaten way too much today already. I feel gross. It feels gross. I feel gross. But if I go, I have to eat whatever is in front of me, unless it\u2019s something challenging. If it\u2019s challenging, I can refuse. And I\u2019m done with the supplement shit. In fact, if I get a muffin + Supp. tomorrow, I\u2019m not drinking the supplement. Fuck that shit. It tastes like ass. Plus, that\u2019s an easy way to shave a few hundred calories off that snack. Those muffins are already calorie dense enough. I need to call Juniper now, before she gets too sleepy and goes to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They always make us do these affirmation type things every week and one of the questions is, name something you\u2019re proud of this week. I am really proud of how I have been trying to treat Mom with more respect, patience and kindness. I\u2019m giving her more grace, even when she messes up. I\u2019m communicating my feelings better. And I\u2019m holding my boundaries much better. The big example of that I can give last week (or maybe on the weekend), she asked how my day was and I said, \u201cit\u2019s complete shit, it sucked\u201d, because it was and it did. It\u2019s one of those situations where I just needed to be heard. And she did her bullshit, \u201cWell maybe tomorrow will be better.\u201d No, STFU. That was my first reaction. I told her I hate it when she does that. She responded with some shit about how she’s a positive person. I told her she was full of shit and I had to go. But when I started thinking about it, I really felt frustrated because when you tell someone your day sucks, you just want to be heard. By responding with, \u201ctomorrow will be better\u201d, you\u2019re completely invalidating what that person was trying to say. Who gives a shit if tomorrow will be better. Maybe it will, maybe it won\u2019t, but today\u2026the day we\u2019re talking about sucked. A few minutes later, when I figured all of this out in my head, I told her exactly that, \u201cWhen you respond to \u2018my day sucked\u2019 with \u2018tomorrow will be better\u2019\u201d it makes me feel completely invalidated. She actually heard me for once. Instead of arguing or saying, \u201cSorry, but\u2026\u201d she heard me. It clicked for her and she actually apologized and said she would try to not do it again. That is the first fucking time in my adult life that I think she actually got it. I told her no big deal, and we moved on. That\u2019s how this shit is supposed to work. Instead of getting so frustrated and angry, I need to be measured in my responses and explain my actual feelings. If I do that, hopefully she can understand why it\u2019s upsetting. I know that she\u2019s not doing it on purpose, but both the \u201cmaybe tomorrow will be better\u201d and \u201cI can\u2019t help it if I\u2019m a positive person\u201d are invalidating statements. I don\u2019t know. I just thought it was neat, almost a breakthrough moment in our communication and I was really proud of both her and myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think that\u2019s enough jibber-jabber for today. This laptop is dying and I need to go get in line for meds, if I want to get them early enough to sneak back in bed before snack. Plus, I\u2019ve got Euphoria to watch. Shit is getting good. Really fucking good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hate weird stares. Did I just get a weird stare? I\u2019m too paranoid, I guess. I don\u2019t know. I feel like I am. I\u2019m watching this banger of an episode of Euphoria. It builds and builds and builds and at the end, someone is going to die. Rue, Jules, Cassie, Maddie, Nate? Someone has to die this season, because there\u2019s just too much happening for a every mother fucker to not die.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s a dark, dreary, rainy morning and I\u2019ll be honest, I\u2019ve got a bad attitude. I\u2019m trying to work on that though, I\u2019ve got \u2018In Rainbows\u2019 blasting in my ear buds. It just feels like a radiohead kind of day. I\u2019m preparing myself for the inquiry that\u2019s going to come because of this weekend\u2019s decisions […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=28"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions\/29"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=28"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=28"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=28"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}