Oh boy, where to start. Last night was a disaster. I just had so many complex emotions and so much anger, frustration and fear. Why was I feeling that way? Well, obviously, I\u2019ve talked above about my feelings towards leaving the safety of the hospital setting. But last night I just felt hopeless. This entire time I\u2019ve been here, I\u2019ve had SI, but last night I actually had a plan and I guess I had intent. I designed a way to hang myself with my belt from the door. I mean, my plan is to go home, relapse and starve myself to death. I told the clinical director that was my plan. But last night, I just thought, \u201cwhy wait, why not just end it now.\u201d That way, no one from home has to find me dead. It will just be like I was here and then I wasn\u2019t. I don\u2019t know ,it just seems like that would be an easier pill to swallow. But, as you can see, I\u2019m not dead. I\u2019m still breathing, no one has had their life ruined as of yet. I used the support I\u2019m given here and went to nursing and the nurse (she\u2019s super sweet and I trust her) was able to get me to admit I had a plan and I was going to carry it out. I hesitated to tell her my plan at first, but they were going to conduct a room search no matter what, so I just told her I was going to use my belt and I demonstrated how it would work. Apparently, my engineering skills were on point, because it would have worked. I would be dead. I planned on doing it right before everyone came back from dinner. It would have been a horrible scene for all the patients here and no doubt it would have been really traumatizing. Especially for the people that care about me here. And there are quite a few that I think genuinely care. Betty, Rachel, Rose, even Raine would have all been really upset. Kirsi, too. She\u2019s a bit distant, but it\u2019s just her own struggles that make her that way. She cares. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So anyways, I told the nurse what was going on in my head and we talked about it for quite a while. Then she was able to get me a 2nd dose of clonazepam. That brought my anxiety level down to a manageable amount and I was able to go to sleep. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I skipped most of the meals yesterday and I restricted at breakfast this morning. I still don\u2019t know what\u2019s going to happen. I know that the clinical director was unable to get a team change for me. I know the clinical manager is a fucking liar, big suprise. So, now my option was, discharge and go home last night or have a meeting with Dr. Parsley and see what we can figure out. I owe my team an apology. I was emotional and not the coolest to them yesterday. I mean, I do have real grievances with them, but I should have kept my emotions in check and had a conversation like an adult. Instead, I pretty much threw a temper tantrum and it literally got me nowhere. I should know better than that after all the time I spent in the hospital with Juniper and what we learned about dealing with hospitals. Assertive, not aggressive, gets way more accomplished. So I guess my goal for today\u2019s meeting is to be assertive and talk about what\u2019s really going on in my head. About my fears about stepping down. About my plans for relapse (that I\u2019ve already started). I just have to lay it all out and see what they say. I\u2019m so uncomfortable and I hope I can undo some of the damage that I did yesterday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m also just very anxious. I don\u2019t know when this meeting is going to come about and I kind of want to hide until it does. That\u2019s the thing, my anxiety is still really high, it hasn\u2019t improved. The lexapro doesn\u2019t seem to be doing anything for anxiety. I wanted to get my medications under control before leaving supervised care. Last night is a specific example of why. My thinking can be very erratic and impulsive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve also been self harming, but in the least harmful way possible. I\u2019ve been pulling out the hair in my arms. Aside from pacing, which is SOOO bad, and journaling, which requires a little bit of concentration, the hair thing brings me anxiety relief. I need relief. Clonazepam works, but Dr. Parsley even said it’s supposed to be for when thoughts get out of control and I need a parachute to save me from a crash landing. It just feels like I\u2019m free falling and have had so many crash landings. I know that I\u2019ve been taking it a lot, but the clonazepam was helping me get through meals. That sandwich that I couldn\u2019t eat on Wednesday should have been no problem. If I had taken the drug before lunch like I have been doing, I would have been able to eat, I think, at least. I\u2019m grateful for the nurse last night. I think she probably saved my life. She really does care, I could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes. She also knew all the right steps to take to help keep me safe. I\u2019m grateful for being here last night. I feel so defeated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So now what? That\u2019s the million dollar question. It almost feels like the hospital is looking for an excuse to get rid of me and that sucks. Oh and there\u2019s this thing with my insurance. They keep denying claims, saying I don\u2019t have coverage, when I actually do. Insurance is so fucked up and I know that the business office has at least a little bit to do with the decision making process. Maybe they need my bed, too. I don\u2019t know. But I know I\u2019m not ready to go home. That\u2019s one big step that I just don\u2019t think I can handle. My Mom, as cool as she\u2019s been, doesn\u2019t understand mental health. And it\u2019s not like my team can talk with her and she\u2019ll have a lightbulb moment. She just doesn\u2019t understand mental health, at all. She thinks that praying will solve depression and bi-polar disorder. I do believe in a God and I don\u2019t understand him, but I think he\u2019s here and everywhere. I just don\u2019t think he works the way she thinks he does. I\u2019ve seen miracles and I do believe I\u2019m blessed by him. I just don\u2019t think he makes mental health issues go away. At this point, I feel so broken and like nothing is going to work. I think Danielle was right. I\u2019m just not able to be repaired. I feel like I\u2019m not sick enough to be here, but going home is just setting me up for failure. It\u2019s such a disgusting place to sit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was starting to self harm again, pulling at my arm hair, so I talked with the nurse (same one as last night.) I\u2019m fucking freezing today, too. It sucks to feel so uncomfortable in my head and my body all at the same time. I don\u2019t know if it has anything to do with restricting yesterday, but I guess it could. It could also just be that they keep this building fucking cold as fuck. The thermostat says 71. I don\u2019t really believe it, it feels more like 68 degrees here. I didn\u2019t wear socks today with my mary janes, and I\u2019m regretting it, because it\u2019s my hands and feet that get cold first. Anyways, we decided as a team that taking clonazepam now was probably a good idea, so I took it. I only get 1 a day, so it\u2019s kind of nerve wracking knowing that I don\u2019t have it in my back pocket for later in the day. But I also don\u2019t want to pull at my hair all day long. It\u2019s really the first time that I\u2019ve found a way to self harm since being here. But it provides some weird sense of relief. Like, it\u2019s something to focus on instead of the pain and fear that I\u2019m really feeling. Or that sense of no control over what\u2019s happening to me. Those are the thoughts that are weighing me down the most.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I restricted breakfast. I ate the muffin and the peanut butter, but skipped the yogurt and apple juice. To be fair, their apple juice is not very good. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s some sort of low sugar apple juice or what, but it\u2019s gross. I like yogurt and have it almost every morning, but I\u2019ve started my relapse and it will continue until I know what my future looks like. I drank my coffee. It was delicious. I do miss drinking coffee and energy drinks. I guess if I go home, I can start drinking energy drinks again. I\u2019d like to say I\u2019ll limit it to 1 a day or something, but it\u2019s going to be 4-5 a day, just like before. And I\u2019m going to smoke lots of weed, especially at night, because it makes me sleepy and makes me relax (most of the time, if I don\u2019t over do it.) I\u2019m going to skip as many meals as I can get away with skipping. So, if PHP makes us do 2 meals, 2 snacks. I\u2019m skipping 1 meal, 1 snack at home. I\u2019m just not going to do it. I\u2019ve never eaten this much and I don\u2019t intend on doing it now. And if I can restrict here, under PHP it should be a breeze. They are setting me up for failure, 100%. This is why I feel like they don\u2019t really care. I feel like Dr. Parsley just wants to get me off his plate and out the door. He thinks that if I go into some sort of PHP program, I\u2019ll be ok. I won\u2019t. I\u2019ll probably quit after a few days. I just can\u2019t picture myself getting over here 7 days a week for 8 weeks or whatever. It will just be too much. And on top of that, other than the van, we only have one vehicle. And it\u2019s in storage and probably needs some work. I don\u2019t have the energy or brain power to handle even the most simple of tasks. I feel terrible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh and they did this weird thing at breakfast where they segregated us. I sat with Maddy and Rachel, which is fine. I like them both. I wasn\u2019t sure how I felt about Maddy at first, but I actually really like her. She has really high anxiety, just like me. She\u2019s struggling and has a step down date of early June. She\u2019s on an NG tube for fuck\u2019s sake. It feels like churn and burn for residential treatment. Again, it feels more like a business decision than a medical one. I know, from experience, that doctors do follow clinical management\u2019s discretion on what treatments, how long, when to discharge, etc. It\u2019s a game they play with management. They have to seriously advocate for a patient if they want them to have a non-standard treatment protocol or extend treatment. In some cases, their hands are truly tied and they don\u2019t have a choice. But in my case, I think Dr. Parsley and my team folded too fast. A week earlier they said that I needed to be here and that going home wasn\u2019t a likely possibility. Yesterday, they were ready to sign the order. Hospital care in this country is such a fucking scam. I\u2019m not jumping on the medicare for all train, because I think that would degrade the level of care we receive and limit funding for new treatments. Most places hate taking medicare\/medicaid now, because apparently, sometimes the payments can take years and they always negotiate a rock bottom price. What happens when a hospital is not properly funded? They can\u2019t attract talent. It will be the death nail for smaller, specialized treatment facilities and I think those places play a vital role in health care. APN, for example, was exactly the right place for me to get treatment. I was there with my peers and a lot of their struggles were similar to mine. If I hadn\u2019t gone there and had to go to a typical hospital, I don\u2019t think it would have worked. It was the freedom that they gave us, along with the type of clientele that they attracted that made the experience so worthwhile. And yes, it was set up like a resort, but that doesn\u2019t mean that the work was any less challenging. It was hard work. And they were VERY strict about not missing groups. Like, they said missing 1-2 groups could make insurance decline to cover treatment and get you kicked out. I took that part very seriously. I think the only time that I missed a group was when I was having tooth pain that was so severe that I couldn\u2019t get out of bed. Anywho\u2026 it was what I needed. And yes, I left early and didn\u2019t do their PHP. While I do have some regrets, being so far away from Juniper and Danielle really sucked. I only got to see them once (I think) the entire time I was there. It was a long visit, but it just wasn\u2019t enough. Jude needs to see and hear me every day. She needs to hear that I love her and that I\u2019m proud of her. It\u2019s key to making sure she feels safe while I\u2019m gone. Double so since Danielle is out of the picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know what to do with myself. These down times are really challenging. No group, no meal and I don\u2019t really chat a lot with people outside of group or meals. It\u2019s not like my thoughts ever really stop, I guess that\u2019s why I\u2019m so anxious all the time. I just have a lot of thoughts. Before I started writing, I guess I didn\u2019t realize this was the case. One of my barriers to song writing is that I never felt like I had anything to see. Writing this journal in particular has changed my impression. I have too much to say, I just have trouble organizing my thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While we wait for this meeting, let\u2019s talk about breakfast and our conversation. I sat with Maddy and Rachel in some sort of weird isolation setup that they did. Everyone else says they think the arrangement is random, but I\u2019ve always felt like they group certain people together. Putting me and Maddy next to Rachel was supposed to encourage us to complete our meal plan. Putting phase II and III together makes sense, because they nearly always complete 100%. I wish Priscilla was at my table, though. She says the most interesting things and I genuinely want to hear what she has to say. She\u2019s one of the brightest people here and her brain is magnificent. Anyways, Maddy, Rachel and I talked about our outside therapist. Maddy is meeting with hers today virtually because of something that happened yesterday. I\u2019m not sure what that is, but something really triggered her and she struggled to make it to meals and snacks and to complete them without leaving. No judgement, I know what that anxiety feels like. I know how those challenging thoughts can lead to restricting. It\u2019s a chance to take control of a situation that feels out of control. She said she had been with her therapist for 4 years. That\u2019s amazing. If I can ever pay Annie off, hopefully I\u2019ll be with her for even longer. I miss her, she got me and she was so protective over me. That also came up, too. How a good therapist is there for you at the right times, even with their firm boundaries. Annie knew I was being severely abused and so she would respond to me, even when it was crossing a line. She also made sure I had resources and a safety plan in place for times when she wasn\u2019t available. The more I think about the women\u2019s shelter thing, the more I think she was right. I should have fled with Juniper, if only temporarily, gotten the restraining order and made sure the narrative was correct. Annie was trying to keep me safe. I think she was the first person to tell me that Danielle is a dangerous person. At the time, I didn\u2019t really understand what that meant, but it makes more sense now. She was dangerous physically, clear from the times she beat the shit out of me. She was dangerous mentally, because she was emotionally abusive and that was a massive trigger for SI. She was dangerous in concept, because she creates a false narrative in her head and tries to use that to turn people against me. She saw it long before I did and she wanted to keep me safe. I owe her a lot, because I would still be fixated on gaining her approval somehow now, if it hadn\u2019t been for her. I trust her and I trust her judgement, she was right about everything that she said. I miss Annie. I hope I get to see her again once I\u2019m done with this shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck snack. I drank my shake as slow as fucking possible. I declined the supplement which was 16 fucking ounces. Like, WTF? No, I\u2019m not going to drink your shake and I\u2019m definitely not drinking 16 oz of boost. Gross. That would actually make me puke. Plus, I don\u2019t even think that aligns with the policy. Policy as I understood it is that if you\u2019re snack is liquid, you have until the end of supplement time to finish. Not that I was about to finish my snack anyways. I don\u2019t know what Courtney has added to my snacks. I don\u2019t trust her, duh! And she could be adding ingredients that make it contain more fats, sugars or proteins and I might not be able to recognize the change. So I drank about half. That will have to do for now. I\u2019m not completely restricting, but I\u2019m not going to eat more than I feel comfortable eating. And until this dreaded meeting, which I\u2019m beginning to wonder if it will even happen, I am going to work on my relapse. I\u2019m going to train my brain and belly to ignore hunger signals. I\u2019m going to cut my caloric intake. I refuse to drink any supplement at this point. It\u2019s gross and I\u2019m tired of it. I\u2019m tired of feeling like everyone has a say except me. At the end of the day, that\u2019s what I\u2019m feeling, I guess. Unsafe and out of control. No wonder the eating disorder is winning the week. No wonder I feel like retreating. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The big meeting is looming for after lunch sometime. I\u2019ve taken all the proper precautions. A nice nap, my benzo, my antihistamine. Mentally, I\u2019m not prepared all that well. I just want to get it over with and be done. I owe the guy an apology, so we\u2019ll start with that. I\u2019m sure he\u2019s seen way worse, but I still messed up. I don\u2019t want to get kicked out and leave. My meeting was totally counterproductive to my goals, which are to get better. Nothing less than that will be considered a success. Now, how we accomplish that goal is really going to be the tricky part. I think that I have to get across to Dr. Parsley my fears about PHP and the challenges that it\u2019s going to pose stepping down to that program. It\u2019s multifaceted and while some of the fears are certainly founded, some could be me catastrophizing. I do tend to do that. And some could just be afraid of change. I feel like there\u2019s so much fear in my life right now. A lot of it is just unknown. But some of the fear is real. I do believe that at this point there is nothing Danielle isn\u2019t willing to do to try and fuck me over, inclduing making things up, using police, and even physical violence. She\u2019s definitely capable of all these things. I\u2019ve talked a lot about how things in the relationship have come into focus since we\u2019ve been apart. One of those things is realizing that she is an accomplished and very convincing liar. She had me believing her lies for years, including the fight. Including that the decision to take progesterone somehow betrayed her. Now I know it\u2019s all bullshit and was just a way to control me. It\u2019s based on her fantasy land and had literally nothing to do with me. I digress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Other fears about PHP include lack of supervision. I already want to relapse. Wait, no, I am already relapsing. I\u2019m skipping meals and snacks and I\u2019m holding on to ED thoughts that I should be diffusing. That\u2019s real. That is happening. I am finding times and ways to over exercise. And the thing is, I don\u2019t plan on stopping any of these behaviors right now. In fact, I feel it coming, stronger and faster than ever. I haven’t forgotten how to ignore hunger pains. I haven\u2019t forgotten how to obsess over exercise. I don\u2019t need a watch to count my steps. I haven\u2019t forgotten the lies I can tell myself to justify behaviors. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh cool, a fire alarm. Those seem to happen all the time here. Here we go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My oh so productive meeting with Dr. Parsley went as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me: I don\u2019t want to be discharged in ten days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Him: I think that\u2019s appropriate<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me. I won\u2019t be able to commute from home to PHP.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Him: You can have the apartment for \u201ca few weeks\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Me: I don\u2019t want to weigh 150 lbs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Him: Courtney and I think that\u2019s appropriate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And yet somehow, he got me to nod yes to everything. So I\u2019ve been thinking about it and I\u2019ve decided to renege on all of my agreements. Discharge me whenever you want. I\u2019m already in relapse mode. I\u2019m going to eat what I want, when I want. I\u2019m going to try and avoid going to meals when possible. I\u2019m going to make an effort to lose weight during my remaining time here. Fuck them and fuck their goals. Kiss my ass Dr. P. You\u2019re a nice guy, but I don\u2019t want to recover. I see no benefit to that, so I\u2019m going to actively try and get back down to 125lbs to start. I don\u2019t give a fuck what you think. I revoked all my ROIs (supposedly), so they shouldn\u2019t be able to give records to anyone. I\u2019ll get my psych meds through Miriam or UC Health (finally got my appointment for the trans clinic.) And I\u2019ll hide any record of me actually being here. What they don\u2019t know, they don\u2019t know. Fuck eating disorders, I don\u2019t have one. I don\u2019t want to be a lard ass. Fuck neutral body image, I don\u2019t have a neutral body image, but when I got down to 125, I had a really positive body image. This entire stay has been a huge fucking waste of my time and I\u2019m fucking done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So here\u2019s how this will go. I\u2019m going to go hard over this weekend restricting every meal I can r and exercising as much as fucking possible. If I wake up at 2am, I\u2019m going to pace from 2am to 6:30am. I\u2019m going to eat only very few things, like green stuff, except at breakfast. I\u2019ll eat my cereal. But I\u2019m not finishing the meal. I\u2019m going to complete 0% for the next 10 days. Fuck them and their treatment plan. And regardless of where they send me after this, I\u2019m going to actually just go home. I\u2019m going to no show for PHP. Fuck PHP. Fuclk this whole fucking program. I don\u2019t want recovery. I want to be skinny and hot. Fuck my body. I don\u2019t give a shit if it kills me. I know my values, and my values are looking cute as fuck in a pair of jeans and not having a gut and huge ass. At the end of the day, he didn\u2019t really give me anything. He wants my target weight to be 140. Fuck that. 135 is what I said. That\u2019s all I\u2019m willing to do, but since I can\u2019t see my fucking weight, I won\u2019t even know when I get there. So fuck it all. We\u2019ll see how they like it when I reverse trend this shit. \u201cHey Courtney, looks like my weight is finally trending!\u201d Fuck you, you fat bitch. Fuck you and your 150 lbs. The harder you push me, the more I\u2019m going to resist. You can take all your fucking scientific findings and shove them the fuck up your ass. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now I\u2019ve got to play the game of, \u201cwill the BHT let me open my packages tonight?\u201d I\u2019ve got like 3 of them, sitting right there, just ripe for the opening. And really, I don\u2019t like opening shit in front of other girls. So I\u2019d rather just open them when it\u2019s all quiet and there\u2019s no one else around. But, it\u2019s Dinette tonight and I don\u2019t know if she\u2019ll allow it. Maybe I just want to discharge and go home. I don\u2019t know. Like, is it even worth playing this game anymore? I\u2019m not going to get better, Danielle was so fucking right. I\u2019m going to leave early and give up, because they aren\u2019t going to stop pushing me until my ass looks like Jennifer Lopez\u2019s ass. I\u2019m going to write them a letter I guess and we can discuss it on Monday. I just feel like I gave away too much in the negotiation. Really, I hold all the cards, they have nothing on me. They can\u2019t communicate with my mother or anyone else. The only person that could have persuaded me to do what they want was Danielle and she\u2019s long fucking gone. So FUCK\u2019M.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Oh boy, where to start. Last night was a disaster. I just had so many complex emotions and so much anger, frustration and fear. Why was I feeling that way? Well, obviously, I\u2019ve talked above about my feelings towards leaving the safety of the hospital setting. But last night I just felt hopeless. This entire […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=22"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":23,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22\/revisions\/23"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=22"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=22"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=22"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}