It\u2019s already starting off weird. We can feel it, Maddy, Kirsi and me. And something tells me we\u2019re not the only ones. Everything just seems out of place. It started this AM with Kiki being 10 minutes late. But really, before that, because NONE of us have been sleeping through the night. It\u2019s that feeling of impending doom, like a storm is coming, but it\u2019s not showing up on the radar. But the animals are stirring, they aren\u2019t eating, they are restless. I can\u2019t put my finger on it, but I do have my suspicions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Monday\u2019s 2 week step down notice has \u201cbusiness office\u201d written all over it. Anthem has been denying claims and giving themselves huge discounts, while refusing to pay ERC for some reason. I\u2019ve been getting the emails for several weeks and I wondered when it would catch up to me. It doesn\u2019t feel like a medical decision at all. I\u2019m not trending up in weight, which is one of the treatment plan goals and probably why Courtney has been so pushy about increasing my meal plan. She also only asked that I have 3 consistent days of completing my meal plan. Guess what. Not this week. I\u2019ve yet to see the fallout from that, but I skipped dinner last night. I plan on restricting anything that doesn\u2019t look appetizing. Let\u2019s play. If insurance and ERC want to play a game, I\u2019m all in, because this discharge has nothing to do with my health and everything to do with money. Fucking greedy fucking bastards. Oh, and the denial reasons are weird, like something with being billed twice for the same date, which is bizarre. I appealed one decision and haven\u2019t heard back. This is just shady insurance being shady. This is why the system in America is broken. It\u2019s all about trying to cheat, haggle, and steal. I\u2019m sure I have a dollar value assigned by the insurance company and I\u2019m exceeding my value. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And this is when things were really starting to fall into place. I was working the steps and actively trying to get better. But letting the business office dictate my health really makes me want to request a 72 hour discharge. Let\u2019s play chicken. I plan on giving my letter to my therapist, if I can get it printed in time. I\u2019m so much better with written word than I am with speaking my mind. I\u2019m not even saying it\u2019s a well written letter, it\u2019s emotionally charged. But I think showing some emotion to my team and expressing how concerned I am will hopefully be helpful. I intentionally made it sound treatment resistant, because, frankly, I am still treatment resistant. It\u2019s not just a matter of what I want and while Danielle is a factor, the fact is, the step down plan feels like a business office decision and it should be a medical decision. I know I\u2019m strange, because most people are so ready to get out of here. I\u2019ve heard so many people say they are ready to go. Well, I\u2019m not. I\u2019m comfortable here, but I\u2019m also very concerned about going home and trying to do PHP from home. We only have one vehicle now and Juniper is more important than my PHP. She has therapy and school and she cannot miss those appointments. Also, just the stress of being back at life without any halfway point is going to really task my brain. There\u2019s just so much happening at home, there just isn\u2019t any way to stay recovery focused at home right now. I know this. I miss Juniper desperately and she is my motivation to go home. But I have to go home well. I cannot be sick when I leave here. This is my chance. I feel like I get one shot at getting better. And the stakes could not be higher. If I fail at this, they could take Juniper from me and that cannot happen. Not only would I relapse, but I would no longer have a reason to live. Juniper has kept me safe for six years and she will keep me safe for the rest of my life. She\u2019s the reason I get up in the morning, she\u2019s the reason I\u2019m fighting for my life right now. Without her, my purpose on this earth is done. Without her, I don\u2019t want to find another reason to go on living. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, we have this BHT named Kiki and she is so chill and cool. She does a good job, but she talks to us like we\u2019re all friends. We went outside and she told us all about where she was from and how she got here. She\u2019s from a small town in North Carolina and when she was pregnant in 2017, her town had violent crime rates comparable with Chicago. And there was no real reason that she can name. So, she said after she had her baby (I think Carly is what she named her), she packed up her things, blocked everyone on her phone and headed west. I guess another reason for leaving was because hard drugs were literally killing a huge amount of her friends. I can relate, that\u2019s one reason I got out of Murfreesboro. There was nothing there for me but death and destruction. If I had stayed, even if I had gone to work at Vanderbilt, I would have been absolutely miserable and I would definitely have gotten deeper into drugs. I was still pretty young when I left, I don\u2019t think I had very good insurance (it was pre-obama care), and I certainly wouldn\u2019t have asked for help from my family or friends. I would have spiraled downhill. I had to get out. Kiki had to get out, too. She packed up her U-Haul and didn\u2019t tell anyone where she was going. She had toxic friends and family that she didn\u2019t want to expose her daughter to and that makes so much sense. I think I knew deep down that the thing holding me back was the toxic or at least limiting relationship with my family. And I wasn\u2019t wrong. So many of them struggle with drugs and alcohol. Nobody is really successful except my brother Eric, and I\u2019m pretty sure he\u2019s back on opioids now. I hope not, but the evidence doesn\u2019t look good. I guess you can run, but you can\u2019t hide from such a terrible addiction. I\u2019ve read about friends that went down the opioid path thanks to bad Drs. overprescribing oxycontin. It\u2019s the same story a thousand times over. Cousins, aunts and uncles all continue to struggle with that awful drug and what it turns them into. It\u2019s depressing to think about. And then there is the religious aspect. I was oppressed and shamed into being something I was not. There is no way that I could go back home and be myself. I hate that, but I wouldn\u2019t be accepted by family, especially the over religious family, like Debbie. Not only is she a fucking racist, she\u2019s a bigot, too. All in the name of Jesus. He washed the feet of prostitutes, but in his name, DOWN WITH THE FAGGOTS. I don\u2019t get it. But I do believe that if our culture permitted public stoning, her racist ass would be first in line to cast the first stone. What a sad state to live in and no wonder I\u2019m traumatized. No wonder I didn\u2019t want to tell anyone about who I am. I do know my mother, who now accepts me, would give in to peer pressure and end up using conversion therapy or something equally as awful. Maybe an exorcism? I don\u2019t know, but I do not ever plan on going back. I\u2019ll probably be absent from my Dad\u2019s funeral, because his brothers would be mortified to see me. As a kid, even having long hair got me judged by my uncles. I wish I could say they aren\u2019t bad people, it\u2019s just how they were raised, or the culture they grew up in, but the reality is, they make a choice every day to stick with these beliefs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, yeh, I\u2019ll stay here with Juniper and we can live free from the insanity that is the bible belt. Fuck all their hate and fuck being part of a family who doesn\u2019t accept or love me as I am. Fuck a family that wants me to put on a suit and tie and pretend to be a tough guy. That\u2019s never who I was and I refuse to go back. Oh, and Danielle, enjoy your bigoted crust punk life in Murfreesboro. I know those aren\u2019t your values. Or are they? Maybe it\u2019s you that tricked me into marrying someone that I thought was loving and accepting of all different types of people. You\u2019re not. You\u2019re a bigot. You are abusive and you are a liar. You are the one that wears the mask now. It took courage for me to be myself. You’re a coward that hides behind the mask of an ally, when you actually harbor hatred against me, the person that you claimed to love. Your values and beliefs are clear now. You like to say you know who I am now, well guess what I see you, now, and everyone else is going to see you, too. You\u2019re going to be exposed and I will be vindicated. And along with you, your supposedly liberal friends are going to be exposed, too. You\u2019re all bad people. You were right, you\u2019re a bad person and so are the people you associate with. Deep down, you\u2019re just a bunch of bigoted, hateful ass rednecks. That\u2019s all you\u2019ll ever be. You\u2019re just like your mother and father. Filled with anger, hate and entitlement. Why do bad things keep happening to you? Because karma is real and it catches up to you as often as you betray your supposed values. At least I\u2019m learning to be real and refusing to live in fear and oppression. Guess what? I don\u2019t miss you. I don\u2019t need you. I don\u2019t want you. You were a lie and fell for it for 8 years, but I am free now. I am free from your destruction, you sickness. I am free from the violence and the abuse. You will carry on and your true colors will show through again. You\u2019ll keep up the facade for a while, but eventually, you\u2019ll shine through as your real self. And when you do, your life will crash around you again. It\u2019s nobody\u2019s fault but your own. Maybe one day you\u2019ll accept that. Until then, expect the worst, because karma is coming for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Group was hard today. It was supposed to be about stigma, which was a good discussion. We heard a lot from Ella K., Priscilla, Analise and Betty. I tried to chime in some, too. And I definitely related to a lot of what we talked about regarding stigma. But then the conversation took a bit of a twist as Betty talked about her sexual assault by her boss. I thought it was going to trigger the other girls, but in a strange twist Priscilla and Analise opened up about what they had been through and how they found themselves here. Priscilla is so fucking insightful. She\u2019s one of the smartest people here. But what I heard on repeat is that, we\u2019re often accused of being vain, that race\/ethnicity can have a reverse stigma (\u201cYou\u2019re hispanic, so there\u2019s no way you could really have an eating disorder\u201d), that it\u2019s vanity, that it\u2019s a choice, that we\u2019re to blame. In reality, what we all seem to have in common is that we have been hurt in one way or another, that even if we\u2019re not type A, we want to calm the chaos in our life by being able to control something. This feels so familiar. Priscilla said her life seemed chaotic, because she\u2019s not Type A, but her ED gave her the illusion of control of something. That\u2019s how I felt, too, the last few months before I found myself at ERC. My life was crashing down around me. I was all alone, I trusted no one (also very common among us) and the ED was the one thing that I could grasp on to that gave me a sense of order. Wow. I\u2019m not alone. And regardless of the trauma, big or small, ongoing or short lived, we all seek to make it feel like we\u2019re the ones controlling our eating and not the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another take away that I haven\u2019t thought about before is that there is a difference between disordered eating and having an eating disorder. My mom asked me a couple of weeks ago how long I think I\u2019ve had an eating disorder and I don\u2019t think I could really answer. But Priscilla distinguishing between the two really put things in perspective for me. I\u2019ve had disordered eating since I was very, very young. Well before my teenage years. I would starve myself of breakfast and lunch for one reason or another. In some cases, like lunch for example, I hated school lunches, thought they were gross and just refused to eat because of that. But if I think and dig down very deep, maybe I\u2019ve always wanted a sense of control, going back to 3rd grade when I remember my life feeling chaotic for the first time. The body image aspect comes into play off and on for years. When I was 15, I remember staring at my shadow and liking how my image looked slender and feminine with my long hair. The mirror wasn\u2019t in play, but I would obsess over how my shadow looked. I had disordered eating then for sure. I\u2019d take a few bites of dinner and then leave the table. My parents were really big on, eat until you\u2019re full, because their depression era parents would make them eat every bite on the plate or potentially go without during the next meal as a lesson. I don\u2019t blame them for how they taught me to eat, but at the same time, I think it contributed to my disordered eating. I learned to starve myself starting around kindergarten and it just never stopped. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Danielle accused me of being vain for looking in the mirror so much and body image was very much part of my eating disorder. However, it is a stigma that it\u2019s vanity or that I somehow wanted or asked to be anorexic. I wasn\u2019t vain, I was beaten down. My self esteem was at near 0 because of the abuse from Danielle, abuse and trauma from my neighbors and oppressed negative religious experiences as a child. I was body checking not out of vanity, but out of self preservation, trying to hold onto anything good that I could find about myself. Danielle shamed me for asking for help. Like somehow asking for help meant that I wanted attention. Priscilla brought up validation. I wasn\u2019t looking for attention, but I was seeking some sort of validation that I was hurting. That the trauma that I\u2019m going through is real. My eating disorder gives me a way to show up in the world as sick from emotional pain. I think it\u2019s why our eating disorder brains want and need to stay sick. As long as our pain is sitting below the surface, we need our eating disorder to be acknowledged that we\u2019re hurting. Then we can go back to the thought diffusion talk that Monica gave us a few days ago. As long as we refuse to sit with the pain and then diffuse the thoughts, we cannot get better. But sitting with the pain is really hard and I think that\u2019s something that most of us have in common. We would rather use the eating disorder to numb the pain than to sit with the pain or have the wound opened, so that it can eventually heal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I still feel the pain and grief of my loss of relationship and I haven\u2019t quite figured out how to sit with it and diffuse the thoughts, yet. I\u2019m trying, but it\u2019s very hard. Everyday, I have moments where the things Danielle said and did still hurt, so I stay sick. Everyday, I have moments where I still feel the shame of being trans because of my upbringing. So I stay sick. I do see now that if I want to get better, I\u2019m going to have to face these things and diffuse the thoughts. If I want to get better and no longer need the eating disorder to show up, I\u2019m going to have to accept the pain is real and allow myself to heal. I guess that\u2019s why I still feel broken and why I am holding on to this eating disorder so hard. Radical acceptance is one of the hardest skills to master. And sometimes, even if you\u2019re willing to accept certain things, you can\u2019t because you don\u2019t know they are there. Example, me not knowing what a trauma bond was until one therapist finally pointed it out to me. Other examples, not knowing that I was being emotionally abused until multiple therapists could name the behavior that was abuse and then I witnessed it in real time. The criticizing and constant berating, that was abuse. But now I have to sit with the pain that the abuse caused, if I want to get better. Alina wants me to challenge those thoughts in the sense that they weren\u2019t accurate or fair critics. That because Danielle has created this alternate reality for herself, the thoughts and criticisms weren\u2019t valid. What I haven\u2019t been allowed to do is acknowledge that those things were painful and true or not, they hurt. I hurt. And my eating disorder allows me to show up wounded. Deep down, I\u2019m a baby bird with a broken wing hobbling around. I want the world to see me hobble, so I restrict. This is maladaptive, but before I can use coping skills to manage this hurt, I have to be willing to sit with the hurt and allow myself to feel just how deep these wounds go. That\u2019s the trick, right? And while the eating disorder is the outward display of this pain, my brain simultaneously wants to bury these horrible thoughts as deep and dark as it can. They\u2019re still there, but accessing them is difficult. So I stay sick. I don\u2019t want to stay sick, but I haven\u2019t found a way to sit with the pain and diffuse the thoughts. I feel broken because the hurt is there, regardless of if I can consciously bring it to the surface to sit or not. I stay sick, but not because I choose sickness. I choose recovery, I just have to find the way and that path is not easy to find.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1:16 PM and I don\u2019t know what the fuck just happened. I haven\u2019t had fear like that since first coming here. Every time I would go to pick up the sandwich I would pull back. I don\u2019t know why. It was simple ingredients and just simple food. I ate this sandwich multiple times, but I pulled it apart and ate with my fork. Taking a bit of all the ingredients was scary. I did a really poor job. I\u2019m embarrassed, what the fuck is going on today. I feel this immense pressure to somehow push forward.. I could barely take a bite. WTF? I don\u2019t get it. Even eating the loose piece of lettuce was hard. The only difference today was that I didn\u2019t take clonazepam before lunch, so my anxiety was a 10\/10 and the food was complicated. I\u2019ve been eating simple stuff, like grilled cheese or cheese quesadilla. This was complicated. I also feel tricked and like my team is working against me. I don\u2019t trust what\u2019s in the food, I feel like they are trying to pack weight on me without my consent. They made a schedule to boot me out of here without my consent. I haven\u2019t had to supplement in weeks and it just seemed like so much. What the fuck is wrong with me. I had these big breakthroughs before lunch, but my anxiety got the best of me. How am I feeling? Terrified. Why? I can\u2019t meet my goals. Also, they want me to leave in less than 2 weeks now. Like 10 days or something. I\u2019m so scared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s 3:15 pm and the clonazepam has had time to work. I\u2019m at least someone calm now, but I feel defeated. Alina has not pulled me today and it\u2019s not likely she will, since it\u2019s already after 3. She doesn\u2019t work long days. Fucking coward. I don\u2019t trust that bitch any more than I trust fucking HItler. Also, where the fuck was Courtney, we were supposed to each lunch together today and she was a no show. Also, fuck this program. You\u2019re only a failure when you give up and I\u2019m 1mm from giving up, asking to discharge and just going home. Fuck PHP, fuck getting better and fuck this entire team. They have failed me and I have failed them. So it\u2019s a mutual, \u201cFUCK YOU\u201d for everyone, imo. I just can\u2019t get over how much that meeting yesterday looked like the meeting when they were going to tell me that I was going to be discharged. FUCK THEM. They are fucking lying cowards. We\u2019re supposed to have some sort of level of trust here and I have none. NONE. I don\u2019t believe their motives and I don\u2019t believe their words. They hide behind their titles and protected records that I can\u2019t see. If this wasn\u2019t a business decision, I would actually be fucking amazed. In fact, tomorrow, I am going to ask to be discharged immediately. I\u2019m as good as dead. I will walk out these doors and start starving my body again. I don\u2019t need to eat. I\u2019ve proven it. Fuck this shit. It\u2019s all a big fat fucking lie. It\u2019s money and greed and I don\u2019t want to play along any more. Discharge me. I\u2019m going home, sending my Mom home and I\u2019m going to die. Fuck it. Fuck them and fuck this stupid fucking eating disorder. Fuck Danielle and fuck everyone, except Juniper. Send me home. Just let me fucking die. I\u2019m giving up. I failed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Where the fuck is Alina. That fucking shady ass bitch. Fuck her. She can\u2019t even show up once this week? I get ambushed and that fucking bitch can\u2019t even show up one time to fucking talk to me. Fuck her. Fuck my team. Fuck this place. They\u2019re letting me sleep through the last group. Good. I don\u2019t want to participate in some fucking hippie ass bs therapy that doesn\u2019t fucking work anyways. This feels like it\u2019s been a giant fucking stupid waste of time. Danielle was right. I\u2019m a fucking failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Safety. Safety is the other thing that we all seek. Priscilla and Analise both said it, too. We\u2019re looking for some sort of safety and our eating disorder gives us that. They are taking that away from me. So fuck them. I\u2019m going home to die. I\u2019m going home and I\u2019m going to do this anorexia shit so much more efficiently than before. 40,000 steps a day. 250 calories a day. Watch me. I\u2019m going to nail relapse way harder than I nailed this shit to begin with. Send my ass home. Let me fucking die, you fucking cocksuckers. Take my safety away and I have nothing. If you won\u2019t give me safety then I won\u2019t play any more. Fuck dinner, fuck food. Fuck progress, fuck values, fuck winning. Fuck it all. Fuck this whole fucking experience. It\u2019s all been one big fucking lie. I don\u2019t want to play any more. I don\u2019t give 2 flying fucks what my team thinks. I don\u2019t want to go to phase 2 or phase 0 or phase anything. Fuck this whole fucking place. And especially, especially, fuck my team. They are fucking morons. I only feel bad about my peers, because I\u2019m freaking the fuck out and I know they see that shit and it affects them. I feel bad about that. And the staff, I love them. They are some really kind hearted people that really care and do their very best. But i don\u2019t feel a fucking thing for \u201cmy team\u201d. They are a sorry excuse for a medical team. They got bullied by the business office to make a medical decision that they shouldn’t have made. Fucking cowards. Every single one of them. Fuck Nancy for not listening to me. Fuck Courtney for poisoning my food. Fuck Alina for not showing up. I should have switched to a different team when I had a chance. I don\u2019t trust Alina. I think she\u2019s full of shit. I haven\u2019t trusted her since she pulled me out of my room that afternoon. And Courtney is a fucking snake in the grass. Her fake smile and condescending fucking tone, it\u2019s all fucking bullshit. Fuck you Courtney. You\u2019re a massive fucking failure and you\u2019re terrible at your fucking job. And the fact that the nurse (sorry, I forgot your name) emailed my team yesterday and said I was freaking out and not one person has stopped by to check on me\u2026 you fucking suck. You fucking suck and fuck you. Discharge me. Send me home. Let me fucking die. If you don\u2019t care, neither do I. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m going to do anorexia so fucking good this time, 20lbs a week. I\u2019m going to 100 lbs in lightning fucking speed. I\u2019m going to get back on zepbound and double dose that shit. I\u2019m going to a water only diet in two weeks flat. Danielle was right. I\u2019m a failure and I deserve to die. Fuck life. Fuck caring. I hate this fucking shit. I hate my body, I sure as fuck hate food. I hate eating it. I hate seeing it. I hate smelling it. I hate every fucking goddamn thing about food. Food is fucking disgusting. I\u2019m done with fucking food. I\u2019m done with all of it. I hate treatment. I hate recovery. I hate it all. Fuck PHP. I\u2019m not fucking doing PHP. Fuck you for trying to make me do PHP. I\u2019m done. Fuck it all. Fuck me. And especially, especially, fuck you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I went to dinner. I did not eat. I feel out of control and like the world is chaos. But this time it isn\u2019t Danielle, it\u2019s the fucking healthcare system in our country. It\u2019s the shitty ass shady fuckers at Anthem, denying claims that should be getting approved. It\u2019s Anthem, fucking over the hospital. It\u2019s bullshit. They kill people. They kill people and rake in billions in profits by using tactics that should be illegal. Yet there is no real regulation of that shitty fucking industry. And I\u2019m not into socialized medicine, I think it\u2019s a scam. But our system is broken, too. I fucking hate it. It\u2019s built around finding bullshit reasons to deny claims and making people and hospitals alike fight like hell for coverage and money. The reasons they give for denials are complete fucking bullshit, but they are allowed to do it. It\u2019s such shit. Such fucking shit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I called Jude to tell her I love her and goodnight. That\u2019s the only good thing that\u2019s happened today. Tomorrow is going to fucking suck. I lost my letter that I wrote and I don\u2019t want to do rounds. I want to just discharge and go home. I want to give up. I\u2019m a quitter and I want to quit. I want to prove them all right. Fuck proving them wrong. Everyone wants to prove them wrong, I want to make their lives better and prove them right. I am giving up. Fuck these fucking greedy fucking assholes. But what kills me is that the hospitalists play along. They act like what they are doing is normal, like it\u2019s justified for some bullshit fucking reason. You\u2019re not fooling me, bitch. You got told to make a plan and you did it like the little fucking sheep fucker that you are. You\u2019re a bad person for doing that. You\u2019re untrustworthy. Fuck you. Fuck you all. Have I mentioned FUCK YOU! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I filled out the rounds sheet for tomorrow with the following answers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Name: Clara<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Values you\u2019ve been working on this week: None<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Successes this week: None<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Challenges this week: None<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Goals for<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Individual Therapy: Relapse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Family Therapy: Relapse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Psych\/Med: Relapse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Group: Relapse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Relapse, but do it better this time and actually succeed at my end goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Share one or two things you would like to discuss with your team this week during rounds:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck PHP, Fuck Recovery, Discharge Me, Send Me Home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urger to Restrict: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urge to Binge: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urge to Purge: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urge to Exercise: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Body Image Distress: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Are medications effective? No<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Medical Issues: No<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anxiety: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Irritability: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sadness: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Obsessive Thinking; 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urge to use drugs or Alcohol: 2<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How many hours of sleep are you getting: None<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rate level of suicidal thinking: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Urge to self harm: 10<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have you acted on the urges:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Discharge me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Seriously, discharge me, this place is bullshit. Fuck you. Fuck you for tricking me into thinking you gave a shit and fuck you for making me think I had a chance to get better. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck You. You fucking suck. I hate this place and wish I had never come;. I want to die. I am going to starve myself to death and this time, it\u2019s going to work. Fuck YOU. FUCK YOU.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck you for making me feel safe. Fuck you for not listening to me. Fuck you for forcing your stupid half-wit plan down my fucking throat. Fuck your meals. Fuck your snacks. Fuck your groups. Fuck your therapist. Fuck COURTNEY EXTRA FUCKING HARD. Fuck you all. You\u2019re pieces of fucking shit. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck. you. FuCCCCCK. YOOOOOOU. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is what giving up looks like. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME CARE. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How am I fucking feeling? Like shit. Why? Because you ambushed me with some shit plan that the business office told you to come up with and force down my throat. How am I feeling? Hopeless. Why? Because there\u2019s no hope. Because I can\u2019t get better. Because insurance dictates what doctors do and doctors are cowards that won\u2019t stand up to hospital administrators. FUCK YOU. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I haven\u2019t been this fucking angry since I had Juniper in the hospital and they tried to do this shit to her. You greedy fucking shits. FUCK YOU COURTNEY. YOU FUCKING SUCK. I FUCKING HATE YOU. You\u2019re a WORM. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR JOB. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How am I feeling? Betrayed. Why? BECAUSE YOU PIECES OF SHIT BETRAYED ME.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t trust anyone and especially you sick fucking puppets. FUCK YOU. YOU FUCKING COWARDS.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And where the actual fuck was alina today. It\u2019s like she just ghosted me. She\u2019s a fucking coward, too. Fuck you. You fucking cunt. Oh and by the way, you\u2019re a shit fucking therapist. Absolute shit. We haven\u2019t worked through a single goddamned fucking thing. I have gotten NOTHING from our sessions. I\u2019m still a traumatized, abused fucking spouse and you\u2019ve done literally NOTHING to help. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I lost all faith in you the afternoon you kicked me out of my room when I was in fucking distress. Fuck you. You fucking whore. FUCK YOU. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tell the business office that I haven\u2019t met ANY of the fucking goals for discharge. NOT FUCKING ONE. FUCk PHP. I\u2019m not doing PHP. FUCK YOU. Discharge me. I just want to go home and forget this nightmare of fucking lies and bullshit. You\u2019re fakes. You\u2019re phonies. Pat yourself on the back all you want, YOU fucking fail. You\u2019re giving up, so I am too. Fuck you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s already starting off weird. We can feel it, Maddy, Kirsi and me. And something tells me we\u2019re not the only ones. Everything just seems out of place. It started this AM with Kiki being 10 minutes late. But really, before that, because NONE of us have been sleeping through the night. It\u2019s that feeling […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions\/19"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}