It\u2019s 5:29 and I\u2019ve been up since midnight, I think. I don\u2019t think they gave me seroquel last night. There\u2019s no way I only got three hours of sleep if I took my sleep meds. I tried to go back to sleep until 4am and then I gave up. I did some online shopping\/browsing. Lots of cute tops, but I haven\u2019t bought any yet. I gotta let the stuff I got this week make it\u2019s way here before I order more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
How am I feeling? Fucking confused. Why? Because WHY IN THE MOTHER FUCK DID I WAKE UP AT MIDNIGHT? Now I\u2019m going to be tired all day and I worry the anxiety is going to really kick in hard. Also, my stomach hurts and they won\u2019t give me any promethazine for some reason. It\u2019s definitely been twelve hours, I think. I really don\u2019t know. I\u2019m not responsible enough to keep up with my own meds, that\u2019s why I\u2019m in the fucking hospital. I think this step down bullshit is hitting me much harder than I realized. I guess if they let me stay in the apartments here, it might be manageable, but if I have to go home, especially every night, I\u2019ll never make it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Katy Perry inspires me to wake, sing and dance. It\u2019s a KP morning. I don\u2019t want to sit and write right now, I want to dance down the hallway. It feels like I\u2019m being strangled and held down. It\u2019s also very conflicting, because every fucking IOP, therapist etc. has told me to exercise more. Miriam seemed really concerned about the amount of exercise I wasn\u2019t getting. I\u2019m not even doing a ton of pacing. Just 10-50 minutes at a time. It\u2019s really more about counting tiles and memorizing the patterns in the carpet tiles. It gives me something to occupy my brain, which is running wild. How am I feeling? Exhausted, but anxious as fuck. And I keep passing Polly\u2019s room, but their name tag is gone. Serious question though, how is John Mayer still a thing and how do I remove him from the KP playlist. His song sucks. It just does, it\u2019s boring and the melody gives me a headache. The country crossover song, that I don\u2019t the name of and no idea who the artist is, it\u2019s alright. I\u2019m not a fan of country music, no secret there. Growing up in Nashville made me hate it. I think it was the country music takeover of KDF, I\u2019m still angry about that. April 1, 199X, but it sucked. It doesn\u2019t matter I guess, radio all sucks because it\u2019s all Clear Channel and that company sucks and plays the same 10 songs on repeat for each genre.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I didn\u2019t ask to wake up this early and I\u2019m not a morning person. In fact, I prefer staying up late. And if I do have to wake up this early, I don\u2019t want to sit and work or journal. I want to take my meds, drink my caffeine and take my shower and get ready. I do miss my mornings and getting up and dressed and putting on makeup. I really like doing my makeup. I don\u2019t like doing it here. If I put on more than just a touch, I think that\u2019s faux pas or something. None of the girls do full face makeup, except Betty. Oh, Betty. And she wants to help me. And it\u2019s sweet, but, \u201cDear Betty, it wouldn\u2019t look like shit if I wasn\u2019t putting it on in front of every girl in the unit. I feel like I need to hurry and get it on and move out of the way. There are five mirrors and 20 girls. You tell me how that\u2019s supposed to go. I have moved my shower to 6:30 am instead of 7am. For some reason it actually works out better. I get done in Splataaah and there\u2019s no one at the med window. It\u2019s weird. And then as we get close to 7:45am and breakfast, there\u2019s another mad rush. Plus, this way I\u2019m not pissing anyone off. Raine, talking to you girlie. She was so annoyed that I beat her to the med window every morning. Problem solved, you kids knock yourselves out. The only problem with 6:30 showers is that we\u2019re supposed to pee in a cup, change into a gown, get weighed, and get in the shower and be done by 6:45, which is impossible, especially when they open Splataaaah either right at 6:30 or a few minutes after. And lately, the nurse has been taking forever to bring the scale into the weight room. So, whoever signs up under me ends up getting the shower at 6:50-6:55 and that throws the whole morning off. But it\u2019s not my fault. It\u2019s the lazy BHTs taking their fucking time getting spa open. Oh, one other thing, i have to check out my razor from nursing and nursing is particularly defensive about opening the med window until 6:45 am. So I have to knock, wait for them to tell me to wait, and yell back (but not aggressively), \u201cCould I just have my razor, please?\u201d Then they recognize my voice and gladly help. But it\u2019s a whole thing and it drives me a little crazy. I don\u2019t really understand why razors can\u2019t just be kept in sharps. It\u2019s weird. I get if SH is super high or there is continued evidence of SH. I just don\u2019t get it. But, rules are rules, I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I got scolded by my team yesterday for pacing. Well you know what, MY ANXIETY IS NOT UNDER CONTROL. I\u2019m still taking bennies every day. I\u2019m pretty sure that\u2019s not good. The Lexapro might be helping with depression. Actually, I think it absolutely is. But it\u2019s not helping with anxiety. I still have rapid fire thoughts. The only way I can manage them is by journaling or moving. I\u2019ll just tell you now, I like the journaling thing. But it can\u2019t be my only coping method. And when I get home, I\u2019m going to start running again. On the bright side, it will almost certainly ENCOURAGE my appetite, because that\u2019s what working out does. This zero movement shit is just such shit. The other thing is that I just get bored. And dancing and moving in the morning is how I like to wake up. I like singing to, but I\u2019ll spare the unit my unrehearsed KP. They don\u2019t deserve that. Juniper has to deal with it, she\u2019s my daughter. Daughters are subjected to their parent\u2019s singing, it\u2019s sort of a right of passage I think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The dinner question for tonight was picked by Katy and I love it. Top 3 albums that you can\u2019t live without. Geez, is that even a question:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You can\u2019t have just three and #1 and #4 are pretty much interchangeable, just depending on my mood. I can never decide which one is better. Every time I do the Radiohead discography playlist, I hear OK Computer and say, \u201cOh, it\u2019s definitely OK Computer\u201d until I get to In Rainbows, at which point I\u2019m like, \u201cHow could I say that, It\u2019s obviously In Rainbows.\u201d It\u2019s kind of a mind fuck. In Rainbows is so much more complex, but the flow of OK Computer is amazing. Like, perfect, amazing. That\u2019s part of the reason Abbey Road makes the top 3. I mean, the white album has so many classic Beatles songs, but it\u2019s eclectic. They were pretty much broken up as a band at that point, so when they came back together to record Abbey Road, it had this amazing flow, probably the inspiration for thousands of other popular albums. You can\u2019t have #1 or #2 if you don\u2019t have #3. It\u2019s just a fact. Kurt said as much in multiple interviews. And Thom rambles on about the Pixies, but there would be no Pixies if there were not Beatles. It\u2019s really just a natural order of things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Awwwww. So sad, I\u2019m not nearly hipster enough, clearly. Karma is a bitch. It\u2019s coming for you O\u2019Flynn. It\u2019s going to catch your ass faster than you can blink. I can\u2019t think about that now. It\u2019s too much. Sit with sad feelings? Maybe later. I don\u2019t have the spoons today. At least not yet. It\u2019s 6:23am. I can\u2019t tell if they just opened Splataaah or if it\u2019s just Abigail with her 1:1. My stomach is so pissed off this morning. What the fuck? How am I feeling? Nauseated. Maybe it\u2019s the anxiety or lack of sleep. I just feel bleeeeh. Maybe it was that vanilla wafer that hit the floor. 5 second rule might not apply in a hospital setting. I hope I don\u2019t get sick again. That would definitely set me back, maybe 2 weeks. Actually, 4 weeks is what I see as a reasonable step down period. I just want to do the steps. I want to Phase II and Phase III. I want to work all the way through the program. And I\u2019m just not ready to leave the security of these walls. These walls keep the bad stuff out. They are my protection, my safety. I haven\u2019t felt this safe in years. I mean even at APN, if I had called Marco, he could have pulled right up to the cones and handed me drugs. Not that I wanted to get high at APN. 1) I didn\u2019t want to get high any more and 2) They would have spotted it immediately and I would have been kicked out of the program. And it was a fun program. ERC isn\u2019t really fun, at least not like that. We don\u2019t have a gym or a spa. The food is straight up hospital food. But, it\u2019s not clicky here. I mean, sure, you have kind of groups that have been in the weeds together. We\u2019ve laughed together, cried together, hugged each other and been vulnerable around each other. So naturally, we\u2019re going to feel close to certain groups. I guess maybe that\u2019s part of the safety, too. It\u2019s more than just the walls. It\u2019s knowing that the people around me aren\u2019t judging. It\u2019s knowing that we take up for each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Abigail is leaving for ACUTE. I\u2019m so worried about her. Going to ACUTE means her labs probably don\u2019t look great. She\u2019s been in a wheelchair for weeks now and I rarely see her eat very much.I think she wants to get better. This illness is so fucked up. Even when you decide you\u2019re ready to get better, there are so many barriers. It\u2019s a mental illness that affects both your body and your brain. It\u2019s a mental illness that kills, as Danielle pointed out to me in an email, before she decided she hates me. I don\u2019t want anything bad to happen to any of my peers here. I love them, they are all such special people. Abigail has my sense of humor, I think I\u2019ve mentioned before. We joke about every day being the same. So every night, one of us says, \u201care you ready tomorrow, its XXXXX\u201d , and the other responds, \u201cso ready.\u201d And usually someone asks, \u201cWhat\u2019s happening tomorrow?\u201d and we reply, \u201cthe same thing that happens every day.\u201d Except, today is different because my friend is leaving. Abigail is so smart, she acts like she isn\u2019t, but she\u2019s obviously brilliant. She reads more than any person I\u2019ve ever met and apparently, she\u2019s dyslexic, which makes it that much more incredible. She\u2019s from Seattle (Ballard), and knows all my favorite old haunts from when I lived there. Her Mom has been here nearly every day to support her. I want recovery for her. I want to see her get better and thrive. I guess that\u2019s part of the treatment process. She\u2019s been here to wake me up to go to meals, one day she had to wake me up twice. She has a big heart and I really care about her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It reminds me of Raine, too. She\u2019s been here almost as long as me now and she\u2019s making slow progress. But she has been adamant since day one that she doesn\u2019t want to be here and she doesn\u2019t want to recover. Her reasoning, she\u2019s been through this before and it didn\u2019t work and she doesn\u2019t think it will work this time. But I want it to work for her. She\u2019s really smart and I love her brutal honesty about life. It\u2019s not all roses and rainbows. She\u2019s very realistic, albeit at times, maybe a little cynical. And she definitely was a little cranky with me for being 2nd in the med line every day. I haven\u2019t told her, but she\u2019s the reason I started taking early showers and doing med line 2nd. Now she\u2019s usually at least one person ahead of me. She also rolls her eyes at me less. This goes back to girl girl dynamics. She loves to paint. She\u2019s on her 4th paint by number project and they all have turned out really amazing. She swears she doesn\u2019t want to recover, but she LOVES her family and they are the ones that made her come. So right now, I think she\u2019s kind of where I am, white-knuckling it. She\u2019s starting to eat more and I\u2019m proud of her. She and Abigail are fun in the Cafe when we play global and Raine specifically can name so many fucking countries and knows where they are on the map. She\u2019s exceptionally smart, like a lot of the girls here. She\u2019s also checked on me when I wasn\u2019t doing well and woke me up a few times to go to a meal or snack. She said that she doesn\u2019t want recovery for herself, but she doesn\u2019t want to derail anyone\u2019s progress. I believe her, but I also see her trying. She comes to every group. She participates most days. She comes to every meal and tries to eat a little something, even if she isn\u2019t completing the full meal. I want recovery for her. I want her to thrive and have a long life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess that this is part of the process and why we do this in a group setting. We can see in others what we can\u2019t see in ourselves, yet. The PHP letters talked about this amazing JOY that\u2019s supposed to happen when you\u2019re in recovery. Many of us said the same thing, \u201cwhere is this magical joy and when does it magically appear.\u201d And the thing is, I still can\u2019t see it for myself. I still feel broken and beaten. But yesterday when Polly left, I saw it in them. They were pretty upbeat most days, except when they had a meltdown. But yesterday was a different type of upbeat. They said they want to be normal. Polly knows that neurodivergent people won\u2019t ever be normal in the sense that will think and act like most people. But we do have an opportunity to live our lives like normal people do. We can have jobs. We can find happiness. We don\u2019t have to be weighed down by the burden of our eating disorder. We don\u2019t have to be scared of certain foods. We don\u2019t have to let our body image control us. That\u2019s the thing about eating disorders and something I have to accept. By trying to control my body, my eating disorder controls me. If I can just accept this radical truth, my thinking might become \u201cgreen light\u201d thinking, instead of \u201cyellow light\u201d thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But to get there, there\u2019s a great deal of radical acceptance that I must go through and I feel so defeated by my thoughts. I have to sit through the pain, right? Well, I\u2019m not ready for more radical acceptance quite yet. I want to be, I think. But I\u2019m just not there. Radical acceptance of Danielle being the person that she is was enough for the month. To radically accept recovery for myself, I would have to accept things that I\u2019m just not willing to accept, yet. I\u2019ll get there eventually, but this process is slow. I\u2019m so scared about going to PHP, because I don\u2019t think I\u2019m recovery minded enough to do this on my own. I will skip meals and snacks. It will start as occasional, but as pain builds and pressures consume me, I will find myself in the exact same position that I was before. I\u2019m not ready for that. I don\u2019t think I am. Why is my team so sure of themselves? Why do I only have to show consistent eating for 3 days. Why do I only need to eat PB&J and grilled cheese? No one else is on the write only meal plan. Even Courtney said we\u2019d work on more challenging meals. Guess what, ordering in is not going to make me want to eat more. Actually, thinking about greasy, fried foods, or big meals still makes me sick to my stomach. I don\u2019t ever want to eat like that again. I don\u2019t want to gain a bunch of weight. I don\u2019t want to lose my figure. And I don\u2019t want <\/em>to eat. I\u2019m white-knuckling. I\u2019m doing this because the other option is they take away my meds and give me a feeding tube. Then I really have no autonomy. I sound like a broken record, but I do not trust my team. They\u2019ve given me no reason to trust them. They are working against me. There\u2019s no convincing me. I have to self advocate, I guess. No one else is going to do it for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What are my core values? Juniper. Why? She\u2019s my daughter and I love her and only I can truly care for her and raise her the way I want her to be cared for and raised. She\u2019s my Bee and I\u2019m hers. Something that makes Tuesday special is I get to see her today, for one hour. I only get one hour a week and I truly cherish it. It\u2019s the best hour of the whole week. It typically involves her falling asleep on my shoulder and if I can get Susan and Mom to let me relax, I will take a nap, too. It makes it feel like home in the \u201cwelcome room.\u201d It\u2019s like we\u2019re both able to just relax and forget about this whole separation business. Juniper is my family and I\u2019m hers. We need each other and I promised her I would take care of her as long as she wants me to do so. We\u2019re going to own our house, our car and our van. It\u2019s going to be Juniper and me again, soon. That\u2019s my core value, taking care of my little Bee. It gives me purpose. She\u2019s the reason I\u2019m still alive, that suicide was never really an escape plan. I couldn\u2019t leave her to Danielle. Danielle wouldn\u2019t take care of her. She couldn\u2019t. She couldn\u2019t manage a fucking weekend, let alone the rest of her life. She\u2019s too selfish. Plus, Danielle is having health problems. How severe? I don\u2019t know. But her kidneys aren\u2019t doing what they are supposed to be doing. She\u2019s drinking again, and her liver isn\u2019t super happy about that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meeting with Nancy instead of Dr. Parsley this week. She\u2019s very sweet, but I don\u2019t really care to meet with her alone. For one, if she makes changes to my meds, she usually puts them in the computer wrong, which sucks. But two, she\u2019s an NP, not a Dr. As much as I make fun of Drs. and their attitudes, it\u2019s also nice to have someone with an extra level of education and insight. Dr. Parsley is definitely a Dr. But I wanted to hear thoughts on why I didn\u2019t sleep last night. Is that a side effect of Lexapro? I don\u2019t know. Nancy thinks it is just a disturbance on the unit and I will say, multiple people I talked to this morning said they were up and down all night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m going to have to advocate hard during rounds if I want a different step down schedule. I think 3-4 weeks would make me feel a lot more comfortable about stepping down. Although, I think Kirsi, Ella, Jake and Rose will all be stepping down soon, too. I should have been sitting at the table with them and Polly the last few weeks. That would have made sense. But the safety aspect of things, I just don\u2019t feel safe, still. I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m going to be safe in the world. I don\u2019t think staying at home during PHP is a good idea either. Nancy says, \u201cyes, stay at home and do family sessions with Mom, so she knows how to support.\u201d Ya\u2019ll don\u2019t know my mother. She\u2019s somewhat aloof when it comes to medical things. She\u2019s been supportive while I\u2019m here, but there are going to be challenges, especially around Brandon and my gender identity. I can\u2019t tell if she\u2019s really supportive or if she\u2019s just faking it. I also think having the support of other people in my pod would be helpful. I\u2019m nervous about stepping down and even more nervous about going home. Plus, going home, I\u2019m going to want to smoke weed. I don\u2019t know how they will treat that. I\u2019m an adult, it\u2019s legal. I should be allowed, but rules are rules. And being back home, I\u2019ll definitely want to smoke weed. I\u2019ll definitely want to exercise. I will 100% body check. I will 100% weigh-in multiple times a day. I can\u2019t just stop these things. That\u2019s why I\u2019m not ready. I\u2019m still too, yellow light thinking to be at home. I\u2019m not going to eat right at home. And mom won\u2019t hold me accountable, she doesn\u2019t know how to do it. Even if we do therapy, it\u2019s not like she\u2019ll listen to what they say. It\u2019s just how she is. Rules don\u2019t apply. She doesn\u2019t get it and she never will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh fuck, here we go. Snack time and I already feel bad about the shake they are going to make me drink. I don\u2019t want a shake. I don\u2019t want a snack. I don\u2019t want to go to cafe. I don\u2019t want to play games and I don\u2019t want to talk. I want to hide under a blanket the rest of the morning and skip lunch, too. I want to recover, but I don\u2019t want the results of recovery. I\u2019m doing the steps, but only because I have no choice. It\u2019s 10:11 am. The anxiety is coming, I\u2019m sure. I want to move around. I want to sing and dance. I want to memorize tiles. All I have is time. What am I going to do when I get home and I can pace? I can skip snacks and meals. I can exercise as much as I want. I\u2019m not ready for this and going home is a really bad, bad idea. Stepping down is a bad idea. I\u2019m just starting to accept treatment and they are kicking me to the curb. I don\u2019t trust myself and I don\u2019t trust my team. I don\u2019t trust anyone. I trust Juniper and I know she wants me to be home. How am I even supposed to get here? We only have one car now. Danielle took my car. And they need the X3 to cart Juniper around. Fuck. There are so many moving pieces. My life is so much more complicated than they realize. I\u2019m not ready for this, I\u2019m not ready at all. They are setting me up for failure. I\u2019m going to have to quit because there isn\u2019t going to be a way for me to do this. FUCK! If the X3 was paid for, I\u2019d go buy a Porsche. Just because I know it would piss Danielle the fuck off. Enjoy your crust punk lifestyle, bitch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The times in between meals are sometimes the worst. I dread going, but I want to get it over with and move on with the day. The sooner we get our snack, the sooner we can eat lunch, the sooner we can do these groups, the sooner we finish all meals and snacks and the sooner I get to go to bed. I enjoy waking up and getting ready and I enjoy going to bed. Everything in between is just some sort of forced clusterfuck that I despise. What am I feeling? Annoyed. Why? My team isn\u2019t hearing me. I don\u2019t feel like I have any more say in my treatment. I don\u2019t feel like we\u2019re on the same page and I don\u2019t think they understand me, at all. If they did, they\u2019d understand how broken I still am and they wouldn\u2019t be pushing me out the door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And while we\u2019re on the subject of being pissed off, menu planning is the worst shit. I don\u2019t like any of the choices, and it just sucks picking out food. I don\u2019t want to eat, remember? That isn\u2019t recovery focused thinking. I need to change my attitude, but I\u2019m not ready. I\u2019m not ready to leave and I\u2019m not ready to go home. I definitely do not want to go home. FUCK! YOU ARE NOT HEARING ME! Team my fucking ass\u2026 I am scared. I am scared of leaving this place and I\u2019m definitely scared to go home. Danielle could show up at any time or try to sick the cops on me or god only knows what else her demented sick brain has come up with. I do not want to leave, I know that. I know it\u2019s not safe, I AM NOT SAFE AT HOME. I will never be safe there. She\u2019s evil and she\u2019s out to get me. She wants to hurt me. Fuck. I\u2019m back in that mindset. I saw Diane\u2019s email and I\u2019m hurting, I\u2019m scared. What is that bitch up to. What kind of maneuver are they going to pull? Her lawyer is afraid to talk to mine? I don\u2019t understand and I\u2019m terrified of these people. They are liars and manipulators. They are going to try to cheat to win. I am not safe. I AM NOT SAFE. This is why my therapist wanted me to go to a shelter and file a no contact order. She was the one that got just how dangerous Danielle is. She wanted to protect me. She tried to protect me. If I leave here, I\u2019m not safe. I can\u2019t go. I won\u2019t. Please, please, please don\u2019t make me leave and go home. I\u2019m not ready. Please. Please. Please. Don\u2019t make me go home. I\u2019m already relapsing in my head. I can\u2019t be at home. I can\u2019t do it. It isn\u2019t safe. I\u2019m scared, for fuck\u2019s sake, I am terrified. I\u2019m going to write them a letter. I\u2019m going to make sure that I\u2019m heard by giving them all a copy of the letter and signing\/dating each one. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The letter reads:<\/p>\n\n\n\n May 12, 2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dear Team:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m writing this letter because it\u2019s easier for me to articulate my thoughts and concerns in writing than speaking most of the time. Yesterday, 05\/11\/26, I was presented with a step down plan from Courtney and Alana and I have grave concerns about the timeline presented as well as the challenges associated with a step down this quickly. I tried to bring these things up and don\u2019t feel like I was heard. So let me be as clear as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I do not feel like stepping down to PHP in two weeks is a realistic timeline for me. I realize that I will continue to get care in PHP, similar to what I get here. However, I will lose the safety of the hospital setting that is vital to my recovery. I am deathly afraid of Danielle, as I\u2019ve said over and over. If I am to remain recovery focused, I must first have safety. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Furthermore, while I do feel like I am making progress, I am not in a recovery mindset yet. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to be, but many of my thoughts are, per our group conversations, more \u201cYellow and Red Light\u201d thoughts. For example, I am eating right now, but only because I feel like I\u2019ve been forced to do so by threat of increasing my meal plan or changing my medication. I still feel utterly repulsed by food. I still have an immense amount of anxiety around meals and snacks. I don\u2019t feel like that has improved at all. I\u2019m \u201cwhite-knucking\u201d meals and I\u2019ve only begun to really accept treatment in the last 1-2 weeks, because I\u2019ve only felt safe for the last 1-2 weeks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I feel like my mental health is still extremely fragile. Yes, the SI has improved some over the last week, but my anxiety is still 8 or 9\/10 every single day. And the SI is still there, lingering in the back of head and occasionally becoming loud and intrusive. Attending meals still causes me immense stress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Yes, I do want to step down to PHP eventually, but stepping down in less than 2 weeks and especially returning home will make recovery almost impossible for me. The amount of stress that I will be responsible for when returning home is a lot for a stable person and I do not feel stable yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In regards to weight restoration goals, I have made it known that I do not accept the goals you have provided. They are unrealistic for me. My natural weight fluctuates between 135-140lbs. This was prior to the eating disorder, but before I was put on olanzapine, which made me gain 30+ lbs. Any goal outside of this range is completely unacceptable and I do not agree. I am eating somewhat stable now, but forcing weight restoration beyond what my body naturally wants to accept does not seem right and will cause relapse before I even get a chance to recover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Please take my thoughts and needs into consideration before making any additional recommendations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sincerely,<\/p>\n\n\n\n Clara W.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jesus, fuck. Can I be any more clear? What you\u2019re suggesting is to sabotage my recovery before I ever even have a chance. Yes, I want to move on with my peers and yes I want to progress, but without safety, there is no recovery. Going home isn\u2019t safe. What more can I say? This is a bad idea and it really pisses me off. This is why I don\u2019t trust my team, at all. They don\u2019t get me. We\u2019ve only barely scratched the surface on the trauma. I honestly feel like we haven\u2019t done any work at all. We\u2019ve just talked about challenging Danielle\u2019s \u201cTruth\u201d thoughts. The actual beating that I took and the psychological and emotional abuse has barely come up. I don\u2019t feel like I get real sessions with my therapist. They are too short and they don\u2019t dive deep enough. Is it that my team is the wrong team, maybe? I\u2019m losing my mind here. The thought of leaving makes me sick to my stomach. I\u2019m so fucking anxious, I can\u2019t sleep. And frankly, I want to sabotage their plan by skipping night time meals and snacks. I want to leave here stable. I don\u2019t want to check boxes and rush out the door. Why are they pushing me out the door before I\u2019m ready? I wasn\u2019t ready to go to phase II yet and they want to kick me out of the hospital. Jesus. Fuck. whose side are they on here?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I will get there. I will have a proper time and be ready. It\u2019s just not yet. Not fucking yet. How do I feel? Angry. Why? Because they know that I\u2019m not ready and they are pushing me, too fucking hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 6:51 PM. Schemin on the stream or something, it SABOTAGE. I slept through dinner. I set it up perfectly so that\u2019d be in my room, Kristen wouldn\u2019t know that I was here, so she wouldn\u2019t wake me. Courtney will be pissed, but if we\u2019re working against each other, isn\u2019t that what we do? Undermine each other\u2019s efforts? That\u2019s what we\u2019re doing here, right? Sabotaging each other\u2019s efforts? That\u2019s what it feels like. I\u2019m sad I missed dinner. Mostly because my dinner question answers were really fucking good. I\u2019m not sad I missed the meal. I wanted to miss the meal, because I didn\u2019t want the calories and I didn\u2019t want to meet Courtney\u2019s goal, because it\u2019s not my goal. I don\u2019t give a fuck. I do want my snack though. I\u2019ll definitely have a snack. I got zero sleep last night and I needed to rest. I have all the excuses, look I\u2019m bargaining. I don\u2019t want to go to PHP. I\u2019m terrified. Look Courtney, no consistency. Oops. And I bet the bitch passes me anyway. I hate this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Kirsi got me the sweetest kudos. It\u2019s a chain with a heart and a J on it. It\u2019s so sweet and so fucking thoughtful. Her note was really sweet, too. It\u2019s the type of note that I will keep forever. I\u2019ll keep all these notes forever. Kirsi I owe a lot to, I was breaking down one day and she was there and I asked for a hug and she literally held me up. I was shaking and hyperventilating. And she held me. She\u2019s a sister. I know Danielle said a lot of stupid shit, but the sister thing is real and Kirsi is a sister. We\u2019ve got each other\u2019s backs. It makes a lot of sense. Much more sense now. I wonder if she\u2019d like me more now. Wait, no I don\u2019t. She\u2019s a cruel cunt. But she was right about the sisterhood thing and I think I might be part of it here. Maybe that\u2019s part of the reason I don\u2019t want to go. I don\u2019t know, I just don\u2019t think I\u2019m well. Not yet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019ll print the letter and give it Aliana tomorrow or whatever her fucking name is. Fuck. I think I have some paperwork with it on there somewhere. I really should know that. I hate names, and sometimes I just can\u2019t remember them. It\u2019s not because they aren\u2019t important, it\u2019s because I don\u2019t focus on a name. I focus on the story and she has a wonderful story. She\u2019s from Africa, but came to America some time ago. She still has a strong accent, but is easier to understand than Nancy. Nancy has an easier name, but much harder to understand when she talks. Is that some sort of crazy inverse relationship? Probably not. Just overthinking on this one. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Today, the unit was more calm, starting with this morning. Lindsey got a new nickname, Hey Siri, because of her use of Siri to text her Dad and anyone else in her life dumb enough to give into her bullshit. So, what I\u2019m trying to figure out is, if she stole a 2024 Porsche, why are they worried about the target theft. And no one takes $2500 of shit from Target in one go, they\u2019ve been stealing for months or years, Target uses facial recognition to track the thefts over time and when they have Felony level thefts, they spring the target police on you who take you and back and show you video, potentially across stores across the country of you stealing shit. There is a calmness about the unit. I\u2019m worried about Ella R. though. And Toby. Toby is a nice kid. I wish him the best. And with that thieving bitch around, they\u2019re going to need luck. That hoe sucks. However, I am finding much less to write about without all of her great content.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m embarrassed to go get in the med line. I feel ashamed, not for fucking with Courtney, but for letting down my peers. I\u2019m supposed to be setting an example and I slept through dinner. Not a super cool thing to do. What the fuck is wrong with me? I\u2019m broken. Remember?<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s 9:12 PM and I was 3rd to last to get my night meds, meaning I have at least a solid 30 minutes before I fall asleep. And that\u2019s just enough time to tell you about the funniest part of my whole day. I\u2019m in Splataaaah brushing my teeth. Shit, I just realized I didn\u2019t wash my face. Oops. Anyways, Katy walks in and without missing a beat says, \u201cIt\u2019s waaaay too quiet in here without all that hacking.\u201d It was so perfectly spot on. The timing was impeccable. I really like this Katy character. They are quite alright. They referred to it as the lore of Lindsey, who is now famously famous in the unit. But yeh, Katy is alright. I think there is mutual respect there. And it\u2019s weird, we have a ton of the same thoughts at the same time. It\u2019s been a while since I\u2019ve known someone like that. Good news is, I don\u2019t want to marry them. I just want a really amazing friend that is smart and likes good music and thinks my sense of humor isn\u2019t weird. They get it. It\u2019s cool. Also, they are a libra. DANGEROUS. But, it\u2019s worth it. I hope we become friends, they are unique. I really like all the girls here. I\u2019m not a bich, not anymore. Polly did that for me. They made me normal and accepted. Thanks Polly. I miss you so much already. I\u2019m doing my very best to keep your spirit alive here until I join you over in PHP. Hopefully in a few weeks. Not too soon, but not too far away. Hopefully. I miss Juniper more every day. I do need to go home, I just don\u2019t want to go home sick. That\u2019s all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s 5:29 and I\u2019ve been up since midnight, I think. I don\u2019t think they gave me seroquel last night. There\u2019s no way I only got three hours of sleep if I took my sleep meds. I tried to go back to sleep until 4am and then I gave up. I did some online shopping\/browsing. Lots […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=16"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/16\/revisions\/17"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=16"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=16"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=16"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}