{"id":14,"date":"2026-05-11T21:31:39","date_gmt":"2026-05-11T21:31:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/?p=14"},"modified":"2026-05-26T21:46:27","modified_gmt":"2026-05-26T21:46:27","slug":"monday-may-11-2026","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/?p=14","title":{"rendered":"Monday, May 11, 2026"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s MONDAY and we\u2019re off to the races.&nbsp; We had a bit of slow start getting into to Splataaah, but it\u2019s all good.&nbsp; I made a B-Line for stall 4, which I will no longer be using, but more on that in a minute.&nbsp; I woke up with the slightest bit of SI.&nbsp; Like, I said outloud, but I didn\u2019t mean it.&nbsp; And anxiety could be down, just a touch.&nbsp; And I mean, down from like 9\/10 to 8\/10.&nbsp; I don\u2019t know.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to be too hopeful, but I also don\u2019t want to be negative about the whole thing.&nbsp; Polly is chipper.&nbsp; That\u2019s good, they haven\u2019t been up this early in weeks, so I think that\u2019s a good sign that they are ready to go.&nbsp; I\u2019m excited for them.&nbsp; We\u2019re all excited I guess.&nbsp; Gotta look for the positives.&nbsp; It\u2019s going to be a good week.&nbsp; This week, I\u2019m going to Phase II damnit.&nbsp; Fuck, what\u2019s her name, the BHT.&nbsp; I like her.&nbsp; She\u2019s another tough one, but she\u2019s really nice.&nbsp; She\u2019ll sign off on my Phase II app.&nbsp; I know Alana will, too.&nbsp; Courtney will, she basically said as much last week.&nbsp; So then it\u2019s up to Dr. Parsley.&nbsp; For him to sign off, my anxiety has to improve.&nbsp; But I don\u2019t want to lie or trick myself.&nbsp; Renee.&nbsp; That\u2019s her name.&nbsp; How does Polly remember all their names?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Polly is reading off \u201cmotivational\u201d stickers that sound like they&#8217;re designed to inspire factory workers.&nbsp; \u201cWork more, Talk Less\u201d, what kind of communist bullshit is that?&nbsp; Geez, we\u2019re supposed to be up and excited and motivated to do things.&nbsp; Those actually remind me of my freshman high school English teacher.&nbsp; I was always stirring up trouble there.&nbsp; But I could write a paper and memorize Shakespeare, so she liked me.&nbsp; Actually, my friend Joe was in that class with me.&nbsp; And she determined, freshman year, that Joe was a bad seed.&nbsp; As it turns out, he was.&nbsp; I\u2019m pretty sure he\u2019s in prison now.&nbsp; If he\u2019s not, he\u2019s definitely on parole or some kind of probation.&nbsp; If he\u2019s not, I\u2019m sure he should be. We called him Opie, because, well, he looked like Opie.&nbsp; But the last time I saw him, he just looked strung out and had a shit attitude.&nbsp; I\u2019m all for shit attitudes in the right place and time.&nbsp; But you have to be willing to adjust.&nbsp; Adaptation, that\u2019s the goal, right?&nbsp; Perseverance, that\u2019s the other one.&nbsp; Find you a way to adapt and you persevere through the bullshit to get to the end goal, right?&nbsp; This should be easy, I\u2019ve done it a thousand times.&nbsp; This is no different.&nbsp; You find a way.&nbsp; I will find a way.&nbsp; I make things happen.&nbsp; Magical, amazing things.&nbsp; Just because Danielle stopped believing in me doesn\u2019t&nbsp; mean that it\u2019s no longer true. I just have to remember my values.&nbsp; Remember my goals.&nbsp; The motivation comes from within.&nbsp; I can feel it, maybe.&nbsp; I\u2019m trying at least.&nbsp; Maybe that will be my motto today.&nbsp; I\u2019ll try again.&nbsp; You only fail when you give up.&nbsp; I\u2019m not giving up.&nbsp; Not today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My \u2018friend\u2019 (term used loosely) in college use to name the days of the week by the drinking specials at bars around town.&nbsp; Examples, Manic Monday, Two for Tuesday, Wacky Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Freaky Friday.&nbsp; There are no specials on Saturday or Sunday, you drink because it\u2019s a weekend and if there\u2019s football on, you drink because of that.&nbsp; It\u2019s basically an alcoholic\u2019s guide to being an alcoholic.&nbsp; John was 9 years older than me when I started school and he didn\u2019t like me very much.&nbsp; He called me a snake in the grass and said I had shifty eyes. It made me very self-conscious around him.&nbsp; He was my roommate Michael\u2019s \u2018best friend.\u2019&nbsp; Michael told me he only kept John around for the entertainment factor.&nbsp; We lived together for about 4 years pretty happily, but eventually John became too much for me.&nbsp; He\u2019d come over and criticize me, then watch my TV, play my playstation, eat our food, drink our beer, and smoke our weed.&nbsp; None of those things were much of a problem, except that he was rude to me and talked shit about me behind my back. So, I banned him from the house, which Michael hated.&nbsp; He ended up not renewing our lease and he moved out as a result.&nbsp; That sucked because I didn\u2019t want to live alone and he was actually a pretty good roommate.&nbsp; He taught me a lot of life skills that my parents and brother or other people didn\u2019t really teach me.&nbsp; Like, for example, keeping the house tidy.&nbsp; It\u2019s not like we were clean freaks, but Sundays, before football, we would take out the trash, clean the litter boxes (we had 3 cats), vacuum, empty ashtrays (damn right we smoked inside), etc.&nbsp; Once a month we\u2019d do a trip to walmart, together, we\u2019d both pitch in financially and get supplies for the house.&nbsp; Shit I wouldn\u2019t have thought to buy.&nbsp; Trashbags, mopping solution, bathroom supplies, etc.&nbsp; We both had cell phones and we had a house phone with an answering machine.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Anyways, being here reminds me a little bit of that.&nbsp; I\u2019m learning how to be a functioning adult mentally.&nbsp; I\u2019ve let my mental health decline for years now and I\u2019ve never been truly mentally healthy.&nbsp; So, my goal for being in residential treatment is functioning like an adult.&nbsp; Just like I had to learn how to be a good roommate, I have had to learn how to be on this unit, especially with all the other women.&nbsp; See above, rules apply.&nbsp; But at the same time, I\u2019m trying to make my brain healthy.&nbsp; The tricky thing about an unhealthy brain is that it wants to stay unhealthy.&nbsp; It gives you all the reasons in the world to stay sick.&nbsp; It argues with you, makes shit up and lies all the time.&nbsp; It distorts how you see yourself.&nbsp; It tells you to hate what you see.&nbsp; It makes mildly annoying things seem like the end of the world.&nbsp; It keeps me from being authentic.&nbsp; So my goals for the day and week are as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/7336efe9-a50d-4e36-bda1-b10ac83b4183\" alt=\"unchecked\">Perseverance<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/c04e6cb2-8402-47c6-b5cb-c24f8b4eeffb\" alt=\"unchecked\">Adaptibility<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"17.599999999999998px\" height=\"17.599999999999998px\" src=\"blob:https:\/\/okclara.com\/6a074f36-0fb6-4ed6-a98d-c53b59b69d8e\" alt=\"unchecked\">Authenticity<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I am resolved this week to make progress and not let my sick brain hold me back.&nbsp; I am going to stay strong and persevere.&nbsp; I am going to make the best of this week that I can and adapt to the upcoming changes.&nbsp; I am going to be myself and not feel ashamed or embarrassed.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to continue to let my inner child shine through, especially on days when I\u2019m feeling down.&nbsp; I am going to talk back to my sick brain and remember my values.&nbsp; I won\u2019t let Mr. Negative scare me away from making progress.&nbsp; I\u2019m going to hear his voice and tell him to shhhh\u2026 he doesn\u2019t own me.&nbsp; He doesn\u2019t control me and his voice, although he wants to be protective does not help me achieve my goals.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What does this mean?&nbsp; I need to focus my energy on getting better.&nbsp; Focus was something I used to be really good at, but I\u2019ve lost my way.&nbsp; All my best work was done with laser focus on a single solitary task.&nbsp; So, I\u2019m announcing here and now, I\u2019m going to focus my energy on getting better and going to the next step.&nbsp; I may not be well enough to go home, but I\u2019m taking the right steps, I\u2019m going to show up and I\u2019m going to do my very best.&nbsp; That\u2019s all I can ask of myself. It\u2019s what Juniper would ask of me, because it\u2019s what I ask of her.&nbsp; I am trying, I have tried, and I will try again.&nbsp; It\u2019s perseverance that has gotten me through the toughest tasks and biggest goals.&nbsp; I\u2019m so sad, but I will adapt.&nbsp; I will sit in the pain, so that I can get through the pain.&nbsp; I won\u2019t avoid it any longer.&nbsp; I am determined to win.&nbsp; That\u2019s what I do, I win.&nbsp; And this is just another opportunity to prove everyone wrong.&nbsp; Keep underestimating me.&nbsp; Do it.&nbsp; I dare you.&nbsp; And when I succeed, I will be smiling ear to ear.&nbsp; And you can stomp your feet and be mad or angry or sad.&nbsp; But that won\u2019t affect me.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s like I forgot that I know how to win.&nbsp; It\u2019s not by being afraid, it\u2019s by being fearless.&nbsp; There is no fear that can hold me back.&nbsp; Not any longer.&nbsp; I refuse to let fear defeat me.&nbsp; It\u2019s Mr. Negative that tells me to be afraid and Mr. Negative, while seeking to protect me, holds me back from reaching my full potential.&nbsp; He tells me I don\u2019t belong and that I can\u2019t do things.&nbsp; He makes me look in the mirror and find my flaws.&nbsp; Fuck Mr. Negative.&nbsp; You\u2019re not my friend, you are my enemy and I will see you caged and silenced, so help me, I will.&nbsp; You\u2019re the dPolly of horrible anxiety.&nbsp; You make me question myself and talk negatively to myself and that does not help me achieve my goals.&nbsp; Your values are not my values.&nbsp; Your values are shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, anxiety.&nbsp; You see the world through a dark lens, where no one can be trusted and everyone is out to hurt me.&nbsp; But this isn\u2019t correct.&nbsp; Most people are good.&nbsp; Many, many people love and appreciate me.&nbsp; I hear you speaking to me now as I type and I know that this is just you trying to survive.&nbsp; But I\u2019m telling you to stop talking.&nbsp; You words are meaningless, they don\u2019t reflect my reality and it\u2019s my reality that matters.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In my reality, the real reality, I am not the villain.&nbsp; I am not afraid.&nbsp; I welcome change.&nbsp; Change means opportunity for improvement.&nbsp; Change means a chance at happiness that I\u2019ve been denied my entire life.&nbsp; Change means I talk pretty to myself.&nbsp; Change means I\u2019m Juniper\u2019s real Mom, because Danielle doesn\u2019t know how to be a Mom.&nbsp; Change means the criticism is done.&nbsp; Change means I don\u2019t have to believe everything that Danielle said to me.&nbsp; Change means I don\u2019t have to tolerate being put down, belittled and abused.&nbsp; Change means I\u2019m no longer going to let the trauma bond that we formed break me.&nbsp; I\u2019m standing up to you by being myself.&nbsp; My true, beautiful, authentic self.&nbsp; Change means that the trauma you imposed on me does not run my life.&nbsp; I will process it and I won\u2019t ruminate on it.&nbsp; Change means accepting green light behaviors.&nbsp; Change means being confident.&nbsp; Change means being kind and patient.&nbsp; Change means loving unconditionally.&nbsp; Change means I don\u2019t have to tolerate people in my life who treat me poorly or refuse to accept me as my authentic self.&nbsp; Change means letting go of the fear brainwashed into my head as a child.&nbsp; Change means being honest with everyone, including myself about who I am and what I\u2019m about.&nbsp; Change is going to lead to a better life.&nbsp; I will not fear change, I will embrace it and adapt. I will persevere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Everyone gathered around to wish Polly good luck.&nbsp; I want to cry, I did during breakfast a little.&nbsp; No one saw me, but it was there.&nbsp; But I\u2019m going to reframe.&nbsp; This isn\u2019t losing a friend, it\u2019s watching a friend grow and excel.&nbsp; It\u2019s ok to be sad and miss a friend, but it\u2019s not ok to let that sadness dictate my success or theirs.&nbsp; I want to be a good friend and be encouraging.&nbsp; I want to see them leaving as motivation to go to phase II.&nbsp; I want to sit at the senior table and get some adult privileges back.&nbsp; Phase II means I\u2019m a step closer to holding Juniper every night.&nbsp; Phase II means I\u2019m a step closer to spending time with Brandon.&nbsp; Phase II means I\u2019m a step closer to PHP and joining my friends there.&nbsp; I want to go to phase II.&nbsp; Embrace the change.&nbsp; Accept it, embrace it, adapt to it.&nbsp; It\u2019s going to be worth it.&nbsp; Consider that the joy the PHP letters talked about is real.&nbsp; Remember what my peers said.&nbsp; Rose, who knows people in recovery said none of them regret recovering, but those that stay sick do have regrets.&nbsp; Polly said they want to live a normal life.&nbsp; I do too.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to stay sick any more.&nbsp; I want to heal and get better so I can live.&nbsp; There\u2019s more to life than these walls.&nbsp; I can find safety in other ways.&nbsp; Danielle is no longer part of my life, she can\u2019t hurt me any more.&nbsp; I can grieve the loss of my friend, but change means I am no longer bound to the trauma.&nbsp; I will accept and embrace the change.&nbsp; Danielle, this note is to you.&nbsp; I am not a villain.&nbsp; I was trauma bonded to you and my reaction was that of someone that was trauma bonded.&nbsp; I did not attack you.&nbsp; I was not trying to hurt you.&nbsp; I was trying to make amends, because it was Christmas and I desperately wanted us to heal.&nbsp; But it was a pipedream.&nbsp; Your brain is sick, too.&nbsp; Very sick.&nbsp; You\u2019re not taking the appropriate medications and you won\u2019t get appropriate help.&nbsp; You will continue to blame me for all of your problems, until you realize I\u2019m no longer affecting your life.&nbsp; Then you\u2019ll find a new target.&nbsp; Your mom, one of your sisters, or maybe O\u2019Flynn.&nbsp; I kind of hope it\u2019s him, but it doesn\u2019t matter.&nbsp; You have to blame your problems on anyone but yourself and you are choosing to stay sick.&nbsp; You\u2019ve pushed away the people that love you most.&nbsp; I was not trying to hurt you, I was trying to make things better because staying upset makes me feel like my whole world is in chaos.&nbsp; I kissed you because you were saying the most vile, hateful things you could think to speak and I was telling you that I loved you anyways.&nbsp; I did not put my hands on your neck.&nbsp; You made that up. It\u2019s a fact.&nbsp; I did not do that.&nbsp; I did not pull at your legs or try to keep you from leaving.&nbsp; I kissed you, twice.&nbsp; The second time you bit my lip and wouldn\u2019t let go.&nbsp; I bit you back because I wanted you to let go, not because I wanted you to be hurt.&nbsp; You punched.&nbsp; I took the first few punches as my punishment.&nbsp; Then I held up my arms and tried to block them.&nbsp; You hit me in the head 9 or 10 times.&nbsp; I had 2 black eyes and lumps down the side of my head.&nbsp; I dropped to the floor in the fetal position and covered my head.&nbsp; You continued to hit me.&nbsp; When my face and head weren\u2019t a good target any more, you started kicking me.&nbsp; You kicked me so hard in the ribs that you probably broke a rib.&nbsp; I couldn\u2019t sleep on my side or stomach for over a month.&nbsp; If they were to take an x-ray, they would probably find a broken rib or maybe multiple.&nbsp; None of the things you did were in self defence.&nbsp; They were done in anger.&nbsp; You were not trying to get away, you were trying to hurt me.&nbsp; You think because you\u2019re a woman that you get to use violence any time you get angry.&nbsp; And anger is the emotion that you know best.&nbsp; It\u2019s how you process sadness, grief and fear.&nbsp; You are a dangerous person.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your reality is a warped reality and facts support this.&nbsp; You must paint me as a villain to excuse yourself for doing the cruel, vile and hateful things that you\u2019ve done to me.&nbsp; You wanted to give up your responsibilities of being a parent.&nbsp; That\u2019s a vile thing to do.&nbsp; If your brain wasn\u2019t sick, you\u2019d see that.&nbsp; But I must be a bad person if you are to excuse yourself.&nbsp; You promised me forever, multiple times.&nbsp; You said you love me, the person, multiple times.&nbsp; You\u2019re a liar and you know it.&nbsp; The only way to excuse yourself is to make me a villain.&nbsp; I am not the villain.&nbsp; I\u2019m not a bad person.&nbsp; I am a traumatized person.&nbsp; You are the source of much of my trauma.&nbsp; Your abuse is the source of my trauma.&nbsp; Yelling at me for hours is the source of my trauma.&nbsp; Criticizing me for hours is a source of my trauma.&nbsp; It is abuse.&nbsp; You are an abusive person, just like your sick father was to you.&nbsp; You\u2019ve become the exact thing that you hate.&nbsp; You are no longer capable of loving me or anyone else.&nbsp; You\u2019re vile, bigoted and mean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You choose to stay sick.&nbsp; You refused help when it was being offered.&nbsp; You are in denial about how sick you are.&nbsp; You\u2019ve been getting sicker since you stopped lithium.&nbsp; You are still bipolar and the meds you were taking were not working.&nbsp; You are in denial about being sick and needing help.&nbsp; It\u2019s not your fault that you\u2019re sick.&nbsp; But it is your fault that you choose to stay sick.&nbsp; It is your fault that you cheated on me and stopped trusting me.&nbsp; It is your fault that you lied about what really happened to your friends, so that they would convince you to leave your family.&nbsp; You\u2019re selfish and so are they. &nbsp; It\u2019s your fault that you are disregarding everything you learned at camp that made your brain healthier.&nbsp; It\u2019s not your fault that you have cluster B behaviors, but it is your fault that you refuse to do anything about it.&nbsp; You know that you\u2019re abusive.&nbsp; You know that I\u2019m scared you\u2019ll hit me.&nbsp; You\u2019re controlling and use manipulation to keep me controlled.&nbsp; And you choose to stay sick.&nbsp; That is your fault and no one else\u2019s.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\u2019re wrong about me.&nbsp; I deserve treatment.&nbsp; I am worthy of it.&nbsp; I am worthy of recovery.&nbsp; I am not just saying what they want to hear to get through the program.&nbsp; I\u2019m doing the hard work.&nbsp; I am following the exact guidelines that my team has set out for me.&nbsp; I deserve to feel joy and happiness.&nbsp; I deserve a chance at being myself without being made to feel guilty.&nbsp; I did not do anything wrong by coming into the bedroom that night. I was asking to make amends.&nbsp; You yelled at me.&nbsp; Abuse.&nbsp; You put me down. Abuse.&nbsp; You attacked&nbsp; my character. Abuse.&nbsp; You are an abuser.&nbsp; I am not a bad person for being myself.&nbsp; I was willing to stay married and make it work, but you are violent and dangerous.&nbsp; I do not have to tolerate an abusive relationship.&nbsp; I am more than just our relationship.&nbsp; I am intelligent, funny, kind, witty, encouraging and lovable.&nbsp; I\u2019ve made new friends and that\u2019s how they see me.&nbsp; They don\u2019t think I&#8217;m a bad person.&nbsp; They see a good person and they care about me.&nbsp; People care about me.&nbsp; I am getting the help I need to thrive and to have a good life going forward.&nbsp; You have no power over me any longer.&nbsp; You\u2019re not in control of me.&nbsp; I will never let someone control me like you did, ever again.&nbsp; I will survive and thrive.&nbsp; I am not a bad person.&nbsp; I am not an abusive person.&nbsp; I am not a scary person.&nbsp; I am kind.&nbsp; I am empathetic.&nbsp; I feel what others are feeling and relate.&nbsp; I have emotions other than just anger.&nbsp; A whole range of emotions and that\u2019s ok.&nbsp; I get to feel those feelings.&nbsp; I can feel the sadness, so that I can feel the joy.&nbsp; I am worthy of recovery and I want to get better. I am worthy of recovery and I will get better and you can\u2019t hold me back any longer.&nbsp; You have no more power over me.&nbsp; I am free from you.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I just had a meeting with Alana and Courtney and I hate our meetings, because I never feel like we\u2019re on the same page. Courtney is threatening to increase my meal plan again and I basically told her, \u201cdon\u2019t\u201d.&nbsp; Our goals are not aligned and if you increase our meal plan, I will restrict.&nbsp; I don\u2019t trust her.&nbsp; And they want me to step down to PHP in 2 weeks.&nbsp; That seems really, really fast.&nbsp; I don\u2019t think I\u2019m ready.&nbsp; I\u2019m just barely beginning to accept the idea of treatment.&nbsp; There\u2019s a part of me that wants to do it, because a little more freedom, more walks, more chances to see Juniper.&nbsp; But the biggest part of me knows that I won\u2019t be ready in 2 weeks.&nbsp; The love to just bombard you with things and then ask, \u201cso what do you think about that?\u201d&nbsp; I think that\u2019s too soon.&nbsp; I think I want to skip dinner and lunch and snacks.&nbsp; I think if I get a meal that looks gross, I\u2019m definitely restricting.&nbsp; I think I hate this fucking ideal.&nbsp; It sounds absolutely wretched.&nbsp; I\u2019m hiding in my room now, they didn\u2019t lock it today. I\u2019m hiding from the last group, I don\u2019t want to go.&nbsp; I was feeling fine until they sprung that shit on me.&nbsp; Now I\u2019m full of self doubt.&nbsp; I would be in full panic mode if I hadn\u2019t taken the benzo.&nbsp; My feet are going a hundred miles an hour.&nbsp; Like OMG, no. No, no, no.&nbsp; Just no. And what sucks is that I won\u2019t be able to talk about this again until Thursday.&nbsp; I\u2019m not ready.&nbsp; I need to feel safe.&nbsp; I don\u2019t feel safe outside of these walls. I don\u2019t know if I ever will.&nbsp; I need to heal more.&nbsp; My brain isn\u2019t ready.&nbsp; I\u2019m not safe.&nbsp; It\u2019s not safe.&nbsp; What a fucking thing to spring on me in a 10 min session, which is fucking bullshit, btw.&nbsp; I do not trust Courtney.&nbsp; I do not trust Alana.&nbsp; This is fucked.&nbsp; They said they wouldn\u2019t push me out if I wasn\u2019t ready and I\u2019m definitely feeling pushed out.&nbsp; So here\u2019s my fucking plan.&nbsp; Go hide in a corner by nursing.&nbsp; Try and avoid group, I don\u2019t want to go.&nbsp; Go and hide and skip dinner and skip HS snack.&nbsp; Get my meds early and go to bed.&nbsp; Restrict.&nbsp; Restrict.&nbsp; Restrict.&nbsp; This is a protest.&nbsp; I don\u2019t think I\u2019m ready.&nbsp; I can\u2019t lose the safety, not yet.&nbsp; PHP won\u2019t give me what I need.&nbsp; I need these walls.&nbsp; I need these cameras.&nbsp; I need this community.&nbsp; I\u2019m not ready to leave.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to order-in a meal.&nbsp; I don\u2019t want to.&nbsp; I think that sounds disgusting. I\u2019m not ready. I\u2019m not ready.&nbsp; Why did they do this?&nbsp; Why did they go behind my back and make a plan that I don\u2019t approve of and shove it down my throat?&nbsp; I\u2019m not ready for this.&nbsp; I want to hide.&nbsp; This is disgusting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Lindsey makes the strangest sounds in the bathroom.&nbsp; She uses my shower stall, too, so it\u2019s kind of concerning.&nbsp; There was hacking and growling and coughing and well, she\u2019s definitely violating one of the rules.&nbsp; DO NOT BE GROSS Lindsey.&nbsp; She\u2019s had a day.&nbsp; She\u2019s shown up late to every single fucking meal, except one.&nbsp; She\u2019s not come to any groups.&nbsp; And she\u2019s been on the phone all day, talking to her probation officer or something.&nbsp; Apparently, there are some shop lifting charges.&nbsp; So it turns out that sticky fingers was a busy little bee back in Jacksonville, FL.&nbsp; She allegedly stole a black 2024 Porsche, went to Target and stole $2500 worth of shit.&nbsp; Got arrested and charged with grand theft and grand theft auto.&nbsp; Bitch has sticky hands, palms, feet and apparently very good taste in fine German machinery that she can\u2019t afford.&nbsp; She is a DR., but who knows if she\u2019s still licensed to practice.&nbsp; She must be some sort of klepto or something.&nbsp; OMG, I can\u2019t believe that they let this bitch into our unit.&nbsp; Like, seriously ladies, lock up your shit, she\u2019s coming for it. Now to be fair, I wouldn\u2019t have dug this deep if I hadn\u2019t heard her announcing to the whole unit that she was on probation and about to get off for all the charges.&nbsp; She even has an article in People magazine.&nbsp; And based on her stealing habits here, it doesn\u2019t look like she\u2019s learned much of a lesson.&nbsp; There\u2019s something about her voice that makes me absolutely insane.&nbsp; \u201cIt\u2019s not fair.&nbsp; That\u2019s not fair.&nbsp; Blablabla.\u201d&nbsp; It\u2019s like she just can\u2019t stop the bitching.&nbsp; It drives me fucking nuts.&nbsp; I guess she thinks she\u2019s a celebrity, because People magazine did an article on \u201cThe Dr. Caught Stealing at Target\u201d.&nbsp; Maybe that\u2019s where the entitlement comes from.&nbsp; Jesus.&nbsp; Why are we so lucky?&nbsp; At least she\u2019s moving to 2E permanently after tonight, supposedly.&nbsp; And she just doesn\u2019t stop.&nbsp; She\u2019s late to every meal.&nbsp; Being late occasionally, I think we all get.&nbsp; But every fucking meal.&nbsp; Come on.&nbsp; And that hacking in the shower, GAAGGGGG.&nbsp; So fucking gross.&nbsp; DO NOT BE GROSS BITCH.&nbsp; It\u2019s like rule #2, right behind DO NOT BE A BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I feel pretty good, I get to see Juniper tomorrow, something to look forward to and I know she\u2019s looking forward to it, too.&nbsp; I\u2019ve been better about calling today.&nbsp; Sometimes twice a day.&nbsp; I don\u2019t have to wait until I get home to start being a better parent.&nbsp; \u201cRemember your core values.\u201d&nbsp; That\u2019s easy.&nbsp; Juniper.&nbsp; Juniper is my core value.&nbsp; She\u2019s what matters most in the world to me and I matter most to her.&nbsp; I need to get home to her and the only way I do that is if I progress.&nbsp; And I only progress if I follow the plan and the plan says, eat 100% three days in a row and my dietician will sign off that I completed 100%.&nbsp; It\u2019s surprising that they are letting me write in so many \u201cmeals.\u201d&nbsp; A peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a salad are dinner many nights.&nbsp; It\u2019s better than that disgusting blob of dough and cheese that they call pizza.&nbsp; That shit is intolerable.&nbsp; There is never going to come a point where I find that to be edible.&nbsp; Yes, I\u2019m just that picky.&nbsp; Yes, I will eat walnuts with my cereal, but if they ever try to feed me that much cottage cheese again, I\u2019m going to spit it in their face.&nbsp; I don\u2019t even like cottage cheese in small quantities.&nbsp; I was going to suffer through because I didn\u2019t see another option.&nbsp; At least for now there\u2019s no meal plan increase, I pushed back pretty hard on that.&nbsp; Courtney tried to say it had to happen and I just said, \u201cno, I don\u2019t approve.\u201d&nbsp; Apparently that worked, because then she started trying to bargain with me, \u201cyou could have a C+ snack\u201d which she called, \u201cthe same snack, with a few extra ingredients.\u201d&nbsp; So probably some sort of protein powder or fat powder.&nbsp; Which, by definition, means it\u2019s not the same snack, it\u2019s a bulked version.&nbsp; Jesus.&nbsp; I\u2019m not fucking stupid.&nbsp; Quit treating me like I am.&nbsp; And as a matter of fact, I don\u2019t give a flying fuck what the Dr. says my weight needs to be.&nbsp; There is nothing that that shady douche is going to say to convince me that I need to be overweight.&nbsp; I stay between 135-140.&nbsp; I wasn\u2019t really using ED behaviors until I got down to like 132.&nbsp; THEN it went into high gear and I dropped like 10 lbs pretty quickly.&nbsp; That\u2019s the point where I was reaching no return.&nbsp; Either they just suck at their jobs, or they don\u2019t know what they are talking about.&nbsp; Or maybe they do and I\u2019m being obtuse.&nbsp; But I\u2019m never going to be comfortable gaining that kind of weight and if you fuck with my meal plan, I\u2019ll just restrict.&nbsp; I\u2019m already eating too much.&nbsp; I\u2019m too full all the fucking time.&nbsp; I hate how my body feels.&nbsp; I hate how it\u2019s functioning and you guys suck at convincing me otherwise.&nbsp; Like, the girls really buy into this neutral body image bullshit?&nbsp; How?&nbsp; Why?&nbsp; It\u2019s literally this idea that you have to not care about how your body looks and feels.&nbsp; How the fuck am I supposed to do that?&nbsp; And how is that even healthy at all?&nbsp; It doesn\u2019t make any sense. It\u2019s completely irrational.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\\<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of the other things we were talking about today were kind of reasonable.&nbsp; We talking about the FEAR acronym, which basically means making unrealistic goals, ruminating on thoughts, and some other shit that I could actually agree with.&nbsp; And whatever the opposite was.&nbsp; Shit, I don\u2019t even remember.&nbsp; But it basically said do the opposite of FEAR and feel your feelings. Yeh, ok.&nbsp; Feel them.&nbsp; My question was, \u201chow?\u201d&nbsp; How the fuck are you supposed to sit with these awful painful feelings that send me into a panic attack or make me start crying like a baby.&nbsp; Monica says, \u201cthe answer is compartmentalization.\u201d&nbsp; Right, just compartmentalize, feel all the feels, and don\u2019t dwell on the thoughts.&nbsp; I guess I\u2019ve kind of been doing that.&nbsp; I cried this morning. I cried last night.&nbsp; I\u2019ll probably cry again tonight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was right about one thing, Polly leaving completely changed the vibe of the unit.&nbsp; They have a childlike quality that made every day a little brighter.&nbsp; And now that light has moved across the street into an apartment to be an adult and normal.&nbsp; It feels terrible. They were missed at lunch and dinner.&nbsp; They answered the dinner question and said something really sweet and something funny.&nbsp; It made us all sad and happy for our friend.&nbsp; That\u2019s the nature of these types of places.&nbsp; People come and go.&nbsp; We were lucky to have them here for as long as we did and we\u2019re fortunate they walked out the front door to PHP.&nbsp; That\u2019s a good thing.&nbsp; That\u2019s a happy celebration.&nbsp; I have to remember that and remind myself of that every time I get sad.&nbsp; And we have new friends here.&nbsp; Katy is cool.&nbsp; They are gender diverse, so we have that in common.&nbsp; They like really fucking good music.&nbsp; And they are really motivated and very smart.&nbsp; And they think I\u201dm funny, too.&nbsp; So the big litmus test will be, do they call me Claire, or CLAR<strong>A. <\/strong>Why don\u2019t they pronounce the A.&nbsp; There\u2019s an A there and this is english and we pronounce the final vowel (except E) and consonant in American English.&nbsp; We\u2019re not some weird Brit English shit that thinks we\u2019re French.&nbsp; But even if we were, WE WOULD STILL PRONOUNCE THE FINAL A.&nbsp; Who the fuck shortens Clara to Claire.&nbsp; If I wanted to be Claire, I would have picked the fucking name Claire.&nbsp; But I didn\u2019t.&nbsp; I picked CLARA, for good reason.&nbsp; I picked a French name with the English pronunciation.&nbsp; It\u2019s not rocket surgery fellas.&nbsp; You just sound it out.&nbsp; Hell, even my mother gets it right, when she\u2019s not deadnaming me.&nbsp; Grace\u2026 you have to give her grace.&nbsp; But I don\u2019t have to give every other motherfucker here that calls me CLAIRE grace, because it\u2019s writting on all the fucking paperwork.&nbsp; CLARA. CLARAAAAAAAHHHHH.&nbsp; Say it like you mean it and mean it when you say it.&nbsp; Goddamn.&nbsp; I don\u2019t mean to be so moody, but I\u2019m just saying\u2026&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Priscilla is such a dollbaby.&nbsp; I poke my head out of my room and she\u2019s standing at the counter talking away to the BHTs.&nbsp; Lindsey is standing right next to her and she says, \u201cGetting lots of content for your novel.\u201d&nbsp; \u201cSo much content, Priscilla.\u201d&nbsp; Her smile is just adorable and I love her energy.&nbsp; If I could have a little sister and spoil her like crazy, I think it would be Priscilla.&nbsp; I mean this kid thinks deeply.&nbsp; And I know we\u2019re not supposed to glorify perfectionism here, but I love her comment about, \u201cif I get a 99 on a test, I\u2019m going to be obsessed over the one that I missed.\u201d&nbsp; That\u2019s not perfectionism, that\u2019s demanding excellence.&nbsp; I love people that demand excellence.&nbsp; We just can\u2019t do it with our bodies, Priscilla.&nbsp; We have to feed ourselves.&nbsp; You and me both, we have to eat and our bodies have to function or else we will die.&nbsp; It will kill us. And I don\u2019t want Priscilla to die.&nbsp; She\u2019s got as lot to offer this world.&nbsp; She\u2019s smart, she\u2019s funny and she\u2019s insightful.&nbsp; And her shopping obsession is so cute.&nbsp; She\u2019s all Lulu Lemon.&nbsp; I think she FINALLY got her package today that she\u2019s been waiting on since she got here.&nbsp; I know those feels.&nbsp; But my favorite thing is that she treats me like one of the girls, like literally, 100% I\u2019m just a girl and we\u2019re just talking about shopping, cute boys and cute girls stuff.&nbsp; I\u2019ve been pretty well accepted here by most of the girls.&nbsp; I mean we\u2019ve had our ups and downs, but the fact that Priscilla comes in and shows me her Lulu shopping spree and gossips with me is really fun.&nbsp; Priscilla, you would make an awesome little sister and I would take you shopping every week.&nbsp; We\u2019d hit Lulu and Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus. I\u2019d expand your world into designer bags and sunglasses and white works.&nbsp; Oh and jewelry, lots of jewelry.&nbsp; Every girl should be dripping in bling and shiny things.&nbsp; I like you a lot.&nbsp; You\u2019re super cool and you make me feel young.&nbsp; I love your vibe and energy.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I had a really nice dinner tonight and made Katy feel really good.&nbsp; So, one of the dinner questions was, \u201cwho inspires you?\u201d&nbsp; Everyone automatically knows my answers because they long and drawn out and I say way too much\u2026 But my answer was as follows (paraphrased),&nbsp; \u201cI\u2019m inspired by a lot of people.&nbsp; Katy Perry inspires me to get up in the morning and sing and dance.&nbsp; Lil\u2019 Wayne inspires me to be myself, fuck what everyone says and thinks.&nbsp; 50 Cent inspires me to drive a Bently and hide my money in an offshore account, so my ex-wife can\u2019t get it.&nbsp; But this week Katy inspired me to journal more, so I\u2019m going to go with Katy, final answer.\u201d&nbsp; It was cute because Rachel said something to the effect of, \u201cI\u2019m not reading this novel\u201d, and hand the note to Katy.&nbsp; Katy read it and was giggling all the way through, until they got to the bottom and saw the part about they are the one that inspired me me this week.&nbsp; They asked me to keep the note, and I said, \u201cof course.\u201d&nbsp; Their reaction really made my night and my note really made theirs.&nbsp; It was cool.&nbsp; It\u2019s neat when you can touch someone and hopefully make a new friend.&nbsp; They are my new couch buddy, since Polly sat on the floor all week and we are getting accustomed to each other.&nbsp; But I think we\u2019re going to bond.&nbsp; They are a libra, so we\u2019re kind of bound by the cosmos.&nbsp; I need to find out their birthday.&nbsp; So help me, if it\u2019s between Oct 5 and Oct 9, I\u2019m going to freak out;&nbsp; I like libras and they like me.&nbsp; We also think a lot alike when we\u2019re play Contexto and other cafe games.&nbsp; It\u2019s fun.&nbsp; Katy, you are way too fucking cool.&nbsp; And your favorite band is Nirvana.&nbsp; Nirvana changed my life in 4th grade.&nbsp; I stopped listening to pop music and became immersed in the seattle music scene, to the extent that I could, from Nashville, TN.&nbsp; I learned to play guitar and grew out my hair to be like Kurt Cobain.&nbsp; And on the day he died, I saw it announced on MTV new and I cried.&nbsp; That was my hero and he should still be alive.&nbsp; He was brilliant as a song writer, but even more so as a philosopher.&nbsp; Anyone that appreciates Nirvana is Okay in my book.&nbsp; You\u2019re cool and I can tell you have a good spirit.&nbsp; You\u2019re here to do the work and seeing how diligently you take notes throughout the day is really inspiring.&nbsp; I respect you.&nbsp; And the fact that you\u2019re gender non-confirming means we have something in common.&nbsp; We are others and we\u2019re not afraid.&nbsp; I get to be me and I know you\u2019re not judging me for that.&nbsp; It\u2019s cool.&nbsp; I lost my friend Polly today, but I think I gained a new friend and that makes me happy.&nbsp; Hopefully, for the rest of my stay here, I can make you laugh and you can make me think and we\u2019ll find a special bond.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">OMG.&nbsp; Night meds are starting to kick in, i need to brush my teeth before i pass the fuck out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It\u2019s MONDAY and we\u2019re off to the races.&nbsp; We had a bit of slow start getting into to Splataaah, but it\u2019s all good.&nbsp; I made a B-Line for stall 4, which I will no longer be using, but more on that in a minute.&nbsp; I woke up with the slightest bit of SI.&nbsp; Like, I [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=14"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14\/revisions\/15"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=14"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=14"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=14"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}