Wow, what a morning! How am I feeling? Mad, Sad, Anxious<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why? Well, I\u2019ll talk about mad first. I ordered cottage cheese for breakfast (apparently) and instead of the small cup that I normally get, I had a giant fucking bowl of the stuff. I don\u2019t really like cottage cheese that much and it took the majority of breakfast time to eat it. It sucks for 2 reason: 1) I normally try to finish my meal and then I have 10-15 minutes to sit back and relax and enjoy my coffee and I try to drink all my water. Coffee is one of the few treats that we get here and it\u2019s kind of a big deal. We only get ONE cup per DAY, so it\u2019s something that nearly everyone here savors. 2) I feel tricked. Courtney had said no new meal plan increases until next week, at the earliest. This was clearly a lie. How am I ever supposed to trust my team if they keep doing things behind my back and without my consent. It\u2019s so frustrating. I want to trust Courtney, I really do, but it\u2019s nearly impossible when changes are made. And this was a big increase. Now my stomach hurts and ohh, btw, I tolerate cottage cheese. I don\u2019t like it that much. I work in science and everyone always refers to infection as \u201ccottage cheese\u201d, so I feel like I\u2019ve seen too much and know too much. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m Sad. Why? I think we\u2019ve talked about it enough. There is change coming tomorrow and I don\u2019t want to deal with it. I hate change. Fuck, I\u2019ve ranted about this for days. But it just seems like all my favorite things in life are changing so rapidly. I\u2019m grateful for what I do have. My mother (it\u2019s mother\u2019s day btw). I\u2019m grateful for the people in our unit. We\u2019re a pretty close knit group. Oh, and we have 4 new admits tomorrow and our unit is full, so we\u2019re concerned (as a group) that they\u2019ll split our unit. That would be super fucked up, considering we\u2019ve all been here together for so long now. Ouch. That\u2019s going to destroy me. Please don\u2019t take my friends. Geez. It\u2019s bad enough that Polly is leaving. Too much change, too quickly. Fuck me. But, adaptability has always been one of my core values. I will never give up. Remember? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m anxious. Since my breakfast meal plan was ramped up, what can I expect for the rest of the day? I have no idea. My anxiety doesn\u2019t usually kick in until after lunch, or at least after AM snack. But now I have legitimate meal anxiety and it\u2019s beyond my control. And the super deluxe ultra fucked up thing is that I can\u2019t even talk to Courtney about until tomorrow (or Tuesday, or Wednesday) whenever she gets around to me. I don\u2019t feel ultra high on the priority list. I think this is her way of forcing me into phase II. I definitely don\u2019t feel ready, yet. But, I\u2019m getting close. It would be nice to make it to phase II before all my peer group leaves. I am finishing most meals, even when it\u2019s gross and I don\u2019t want to. Positive self-talk, \u201cremember your values.\u201d My value is perseverance today. And adaptability. These are natural to me. I\u2019ve always been strong willed and determined. I\u2019m always under estimated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, now let\u2019s talk Lindsey, because there\u2019s so much to share. Let\u2019s start with her walking around Spa Aaaaah with that grilled cheese between her thighs, just hanging out. Like, what the actual fuck? Do you see any other girls around here walking around with their junk out? No body wants to see that, girl, shit, come on. But it gets even better. She walks over to the mirror counter where we set our bins while we get ready. She grabs a bottle of mouthwash out of Rachel\u2019s bin and drinks the whole goddamn bottle. Then she steals Rachel\u2019s shower time. Rachel kicks her out, so she steals Rose\u2019s instead. When Rose asks her to get out, she says, \u201cNo\u201d. Ok, bitch, you know how the shower times work, because I fucking told you about it 2 days ago, when you signed up for 3 different spots. Seriously, fuck off with the playing dumb shit. Then she walks over to Ella\u2019s bin and steals her leave-in conditioner AND PUTS IT IN HER OWN BIN. Like just straight up steals it. Ella comes out of spa, just like, WHAT THE FUCK? Who the fuck is this person. It\u2019s weird, because other than my missing shampoo that reappeared a few days later, we don\u2019t really worry about stealing around here. Everyone leaves their stuff lying around, and it\u2019s an unspoken rule, you don\u2019t touch other people\u2019s stuff. Generally speaking, everyone on the unit is really cool. So, having a thief among us really fucking sucks. Now I feel like I have to watch all my stuff all the time. Especially bathroom stuff. If she\u2019ll steal Ella\u2019s stuff right in front of her, what won\u2019t she steal? Such fucking bullshit. Now, it\u2019s a game of wait and see what happens. Kristen, our delightful, but very strict BHT is on the case and going to hopefully take care of it for us. I like Kristen, she\u2019s bubbly happy and very encouraging. But she does enforce most of the rules. At least we know where we stand with her though. But for someone like Lindsey that is super entitled and bitchy, it\u2019s not going to go over well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The anxiety is building, like a snowball rolling down a hill. It\u2019s gathering its strength and going to crush me by lunch time. I\u2019m so tired of anxiety. I\u2019ve never been like this. Well, not until Danielle started flying out to see her BF in Nashville. That was like super-ultra-deluxe panic attack week. But now it\u2019s a different type of anxiety. And I don\u2019t understand why. Only that it\u2019s daily and Clonazapam is the only thing that brings it down. I don\u2019t understand the meal anxiety, especially. Where did this come from? I\u2019m so tired of this eating disorder. I want it all. I want the body that I want and to live free from this food anxiety. I want both. I think that\u2019s what I struggle with the most. I\u2019m having trouble letting go of the ideal body image that I want. I don\u2019t want to gain weight and I definitely don\u2019t want to gain 20 more pounds. That\u2019s crazy. But I do want to get better, at least today I do. I go back and forth. I think that\u2019s normal. I hear it is at least. I don\u2019t even mind doing the work. I just don\u2019t want to look like a boy, again. I don\u2019t want my body to morph back into a blob. It\u2019s my biggest fear, I think. I guess. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s hard to say. No, I do know. That\u2019s my fear. I don\u2019t want to be a rectangle. Body dysmorphia is real and it\u2019s precisely the opposite of body dysphoria. And from what I can tell, it\u2019s really complicated treating both. I guess that\u2019s why 40% or some other ridiculous number of trans women have an eating disorder. At least I know with certainty that I did not do this to myself, like Danielle kept insisting. I was traumatized and fucked up by her AND my body doesn\u2019t match my brain. Well, it didn\u2019t. It\u2019s better now, but if I go backwards, it won\u2019t be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They\u2019re going to push me to challenge these thoughts, I know. But that\u2019s where I butt heads with treatment. That\u2019s where I find the most struggle. I can\u2019t have body neutrality. It goes against my core value that if there is something about your body that you don\u2019t like, it\u2019s up to you to change it. Neutrality says, don\u2019t give a fuck about your body. GAC says, change your body to match your brain. I think this is cognitive dissonance. Both can not be true in this case, can they? And the staff and therapists here are really wonderful and want to help, but I don\u2019t feel like anyone has the right knowledge to help. I\u2019m an outlier of the disordered eating population and it\u2019s clear that Courtney doesn\u2019t. I don\u2019t think Dr. Parsley does. And Alana tries her best, but I don\u2019t think she knows either. I get that the science for trans people is relatively new. My understanding is that the first studies were really done in the late 70\u2019s to mid 80\u2019s. And most of those were relatively flawed, as trans science was mostly seen as some sort of perversion then. And the means and methods of their studies demonstrated such. For example, one of the big studies in the 80\u2019s made an assumption that a relatively large population of trans women lied when they were surveyed. This is crazy, how can you come up with a curve to represent lying from a survey. If that paper hasn\u2019t been retracted, it should be. It never should have passed the peer review process. Another huge issue is finding populations to study. With so much negative press and scary political things happening, many advocacy groups recommend exercising extreme caution before participating in a study. There are some bad actors out there that have ill intent and it\u2019s important that we don\u2019t give them fuel for their fire. For example, the woman that wrote the now retracted paper on \u201cRapid Onset Gender Dysphoria\u201d has been trying to recruit for another study, which undoubtedly again target the science behind gender dysphoria. Be careful is all I\u2019m saying. We must all be careful. Bad science is real and it\u2019s out there. It\u2019s such a fucked up world right now. Civil rights are being rolled back, minority groups are being targeted. It\u2019s a real problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
11:00am on the nose and we just finished snack. I took hydroxyzine again. I don\u2019t think it actually does anything to help. The snow ball has begun to turn into an ice boulder. I can feel it all throughout my body. I\u2019m nervous and shaky. There\u2019s weight on my shoulders and pain in my neck. My feet can\u2019t sit still and my stomach is uncomfortable. They keep saying it\u2019s all normal. I don\u2019t believe them. I don\u2019t feel normal. My head is kind of achy. Not a headache, but just light headed, I guess. I\u2019m feeling anxious. Why? Because we\u2019re not even half way done for the day and I\u2019m already feeling this bad. Also, anxious because groups have been so hard lately. Both just being in the group room with everyone and worry about what we\u2019ll talk about during group. It just feels like every topic has been hard lately. Maybe that\u2019s part of the radical acceptance bit or something. It\u2019s weird because normally I thrive in group. I like participating and talking it out. I love hearing different perspectives and opinions. It\u2019s how we learn about and get to know each other. It\u2019s such an important part of treatment. I\u2019ve skipped too many groups this week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
11:47 AM and we just finished group. I made it through, although my anxiety has hit 10\/10 as a result. The subject was Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light behaviors. Examples of Red Light behaviors: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yellow Light Behaviors:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Green Light Behaviors:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s where I struggle and why this group made me so anxious. I\u2019m not in the green area yet. Most of my behavior and thought patterns are still yellow or red. This is my biggest fear. I\u2019m not making enough progress. I said that today I want to get better, because my value is being a good parent for Juniper #1, and a healthy brain so I can look at surgery sooner than later. But I\u2019m definitely white knuckling it right now. I definitely don\u2019t want body neutrality. I am still bargaining with myself. I isolate myself to cope. I self-sabotage by restricting. I body check frequently, at least once or twice a day. I use avoidance. I skip groups. I rationalize why i should skip a meal or snack. I look for excuses to do so. I still want this skinny body. I still have obsessive thinking. I don\u2019t want to give up my sick clothes. I\u2019ve engaged in relapse planning. I romanticize my small body. I\u2019m in denial some days and justifying behaviors. I compare myself to other girls. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think it\u2019s safe to say, I am NOT in recovery. And this is where that stuck feeling comes in, because I am doing what I need to do, or at least trying to do. But I\u2019m not in a recovery mindset and I don\u2019t know how to get there. And that makes me feel anxious and like I won\u2019t ever get there. That re-enforces that belief that I\u2019m broken beyond repair. It\u2019s scary, because I know I have to get better to be there for Juniper, but right now, staying sick still has some weird allure that I don\u2019t understand. I am very worries about body image. I know Alana is just going to tell me to challenge these thoughts, but the voice is so loud. I don\u2019t know how to challenge them. To me, it just seems like there are too many negatives associated with being in recovery. I don\u2019t know how to reach that final stage, where I want to be in recovery. Where I care about it. Anusha said she\u2019s in recovery because she knows her values. Her values are what keep her driven. I know my values, but maybe I\u2019m just too selfish to recover. Maybe I\u2019m just to stupid to see the value. There, see, I\u2019m questioning my worth and using negative self-talk. I know for a fact that\u2019s yellow\/red behavior and yet I\u2019m doing it anyways. I just feel like something is wrong with me. LIke i\u2019m different from everyone else and I can\u2019t do this. I hear Danielle telling me I can\u2019t do this. I see her sabotaging me and it makes me want to give up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
They want me to progress. Alana and Courtney are pushing me to do phase II, but look at how far away I am from being in the green. I can\u2019t even list 5 greenlight behaviors that I\u2019m currently doing. But yellows and reds\u2026 all over the place. It\u2019s so upsetting. I feel worthless. I want to go in my room and refuse to come out. Kristen will be on my ass if I do that, but it\u2019s what I want to do. I want to quit. I don\u2019t. But I do. I\u2019m arguing with myself. I remember having these arguments when I was ready to quit cocaine and when I was ready to quit smoking. The constant battle, back and forth, in and out, up and down. This feels familiar, but different. Here\u2019s the radical truth. If I walked out these doors today, I would go get energy drinks. I would say I was getting lunch, but not do it. I would restrict every meal that there are no direct eyes on me. I would check the scale daily. I would check the mirror, real mirrors, so I could see what I want to see. I would let my sick brain do most of the talking and convince myself I\u2019m not sick and that I don\u2019t need help. I already want to compensate for the big lunch and fatty milkshake snack. All these things are true. I\u2019m not better. I\u2019m white-knuckling it. I\u2019m only doing it so they don\u2019t take my meds away. I\u2019m only doing it because I love juniper and she needs me in her life. I\u2019m only doing it because I\u2019m sad my friends are leaving soon and I\u2019m going to feel alone here. I don\u2019t even want to admit I have an eating disorder. I go back and forth. Why is my brain taking so much fucking time to heal. It\u2019s fucking exhausting and everyone is growing impatient, including my team. It\u2019s yet another reason I don\u2019t trust them. They want to push me into Phase II when I know in my heart and brain that I\u2019m just not there. I\u2019m literally being bullied into eating here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I do love juniper. She is a core value. I promised her every opportunity and I have to give it to her. I\u2019m ready to be back in MY house and send my Mom back to TN. I\u2019m ready to be independent again. I\u2019m not ready for the isolation. I need friends, real ones, that want to hang out with me because I\u2019m me. I need a support system. I want people my age and younger, too. Not just older people. I am still filled with youth. I guess that\u2019s something my ED has cut into. It\u2019s made me feel older, maybe? I don\u2019t know, I can\u2019t tell. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And what am I going to do when I don\u2019t have the crutch of clonazepam to lean on every day. It\u2019s how I\u2019m able to get through lunch and PM snack. Dinner is a whole other beast, especially if it\u2019s something gross. I don\u2019t want to eat. I\u2019m doing it because I have to, but I definitely don\u2019t want to, at all. I feel bloated and gross. I want to go run. I want to burn as many of these calories as I can. I want to restrict. I don\u2019t trust my body, I feel like it\u2019s betraying me. I want to restrict lunch. Or skip it. What are my values today? Perseverance and adaptability. I must find the strength to keep doing the hard things. I have that picture of jude standing with her head up. I ask her to do such hard things, I have to do it, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7 minutes until lunch. I have 7 minutes to find the courage, strength and energy to go through another shitty meal. I\u2019m repulsed by the very idea. Alana and Courtney talk about ordering in food, like that\u2019s some kind of a treat. It\u2019s not a treat. It\u2019s gross. I don\u2019t want some fatty restaurant food. Maybe a really big black coffee, but I don\u2019t want sugary pastries. I don\u2019t want meaty burgers or greasy fries. I don\u2019t want sushi. I don\u2019t even want seaweed salad or edamame. It all sounds absolutely repulsive to me. I don\u2019t like milkshakes anymore. They are oppressive. Here I am, redlighting the fuck out and i\u2019m not even looking at a discharge date yet. I\u2019m not making progress. I\u2019m just being bullied. I don\u2019t trust my team. Our goals don\u2019t align. I want to puke right now. I\u2019m so full and I don\u2019t know where any extra food is supposed to go. And i hate, hate, hate my body and it\u2019s functions. I hate eating, it\u2019s gross. Fuck you and your friend fucking foods. It\u2019s nasty and I feel disgusted eating it. I would eat cake with juniper though. My little sweet pea. I love her and miss her so much. I\u2019m starting to cry. I miss her every minute of every hour of every day. She\u2019s the reason I have to get better. They\u2019ll take her away from me, no matter how well I take care of her. They\u2019ve already threatened me thanks to Danielle\u2019s dumb ass conversation with the social worker. DHS is going to be on my ass forever. Thanks Danielle, you fucking twat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She don\u2019t so much damage and she gets to walk away, scot free, feeling like the victim. She\u2019s really a vile fucking piece of shit. She\u2019s vile, but only because of her brain. Her brain is broken. Maybe more so than me. And she\u2019s not getting help, she\u2019s being coddled. What the fuck? I thought her sisters were so fucking smart. Apparently not, because the isolated her for staying with me. They know she\u2019s fucking delusional. I get that they are sisters, but really? You know she\u2019s sick. You know her brain is sick. You drove out of my home and into that douche bag\u2019s apartment. I\u2019m still so sad. She\u2019s an evil, mean cunt and I still love her and I still dream of her and I still just want her to call me and ask how I\u2019m doing. I still just want to talk to her for hours about nothing. I still want that comfort and calmness that gives me. I still am willing to be abused to have that. That makes me still sick I guess and that sucks. Abuse sucks. I\u2019ll never be over her and I\u2019ll never fill this hole in my heart. Fuck my life. I\u2019m broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lunch was so gross. More cheese quesadillas and a bunch of baby carrots. I felt my stomach stretching. My gut is working over time. My guilt is building and I have regrets for finishing, even though I\u2019m happy that I did it, sort of. I really like Kristen, although her rules can be a little challenging sometimes. If you\u2019re chill with her, say please and thank you and follow the rules to the best of your ability, she\u2019s really cool. She doesn\u2019t hold grudges and she will get your back if you need it. She\u2019s cool.and any issue that i have with her, I can resolve with my team. She did rat on me for not leaving my room last week, which sucked. But I also know that she’s just doing her job and in her mind, she was helping me, by holding me accountable for isolating. It just that particular day really sucked, because I was having mega anxiety and my introvert was shining through. But today she\u2019s been awesome. One of the things I like about her is that she will always chat with you and she\u2019s nearly always smiling, including on days when she is really tired. She doesn\u2019t really get moody, she\u2019s even keeled. What she does not appreciate is demanding shit, not taking redirection and consistent rule breaking. At least you know where you stand with her. She enforces some rules really strictly, like supplement and eating, etc. But other stuff she let\u2019s slide, like hoodies and such at the table. Also very strict about red light topics (but in a kind way). In a way that\u2019s good, because some of the red light topics are very triggering for some patients. I get that, it makes sense. The last thing that i want to do is send someone over the edge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well fuck me. It\u2019s 4:28 PM and somehow I slept through PM snack. I didn\u2019t hear them call it and I didn\u2019t hear everyone shuffle down there. No one woke me up. Oh well. This is the shit I\u2019m talking about, I didn\u2019t even want to wake up. It\u2019s an excuse, I\u2019m rationalizing, because I didn\u2019t want to eat anything else. I\u2019ll go to dinner for sure though, it\u2019s Polly\u2019s last dinner here and I don\u2019t want to miss it. But like, I don\u2019t want to eat. I\u2019m terrified about what I may have picked for dinner. Apparently, I got pretttttty fucking brave for the whole fucking menu thing on Tuesday. I\u2019m really really sick of eating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t think I had a chance to talk about what I wore today. I wanted to wear something childlike and whimsical for Polly\u2019s last day. Some of the girls wore onesies, which was cute. But they only wore them to breakfast. I, however, wore my black glitter skirt that leaves a trail of glitter, wherever I go. It\u2019s kind of magical in that way. Everyone loved it. I just wanted to be childlike for a day. I probably won\u2019t dress this silly again while I\u2019m here. But Polly brings out the inner child in all of us, I think it\u2019s pretty safe to say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Second, today was Mother\u2019s Day and I got so many well wishes from everyone wishing me a happy mother\u2019s day and calling me Mom. It\u2019s really touching that they see me that way and I believe they truly do. Juniper may call me Dad, but to her, Dad is a nurturer and safety and provides. I\u2019ve got to get home to her. I\u2019ve got to try harder. I\u2019ve got to do better. This shouldn\u2019t be so hard. I\u2019m seeing my friends accelerate past me on a daily basis and I\u2019m still stuck here, missing meals, missing groups. It\u2019s so frustrating. I feel like I\u2019m failing harder than hard. But the thing that everyone says and that I know is true is that I am a great Mom to juniper. Mom is a title you have to earn every single day. I show up. I\u2019m there when she needs me. I make sure she is safe. By letter her stay with my Mom, I\u2019m keeping her safe. Keeping Danielle the fuck away from her is keeping her safe. I\u2019ve got to get back to her sooner than later. I\u2019ve got to do this Phase II business. I\u2019ve got to take the leap. I\u2019ve got to trust that even though I\u2019m in yellow territory, I\u2019m making the right amount of progress and that it\u2019s enough. I\u2019ve got to trust that my team wouldn\u2019t push me to the next level if they didn\u2019t think I was ready for it. Trust. That\u2019s a fucked up word, because the abuse and the trauma caused by Danielle has obliterated my trust in everyone. I don\u2019t even completely trust my Mom, yet. I\u2019m working on that, but it\u2019s a long fucking road that I have to travel down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m disappointed in myself. My goal today was to go to all meals and groups and I missed PM snack and I missed PM group (even if they are just watching Twilight). I can do better. But, I also must remember to give myself some grace. I deserve it. I\u2019ve worked hard and I\u2019ve apparently helped people. Kirsi was my kudos this week. I normally write a letter to go along with a gift. But earlier this week when Kirsi was having a really rough day, I wrote her a letter just telling her to keep going, be strong and overcome whatever challenge she faced. It wasn\u2019t necessarily meant to be her kudos, but she needed a little boost that day. I\u2019m terrible at spoken words, for the most part, but I can write a nice letter or email. I\u2019m pretty good at that. People believe me when I write to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The winds are changing here. Tomorrow there are 4 new admits. FOUR. We\u2019re completely full, so there\u2019s going to be some unit shifting tomorrow. Hopefully they leave our unit alone and just open 2E. If they separate our group, it\u2019s going to wreck a lot of our progress. Especially with those of us that have been here for a while. I brought this up earlier, but it\u2019s one of those thoughts that has just kind of been ruminating all day and I can\u2019t seem to get it out of my head. I\u2019m not super duper close when any one person here, but they are my friends and I think I\u2019m mostly liked here now. I feel safe and accepted. The girls see me as a Mom for crying out loud. I love them for that. I don\u2019t want to start over. It\u2019s such a scary proposition. I need to start preparing to make an exit plan, though. I need to be brave and go to Phase II. I\u2019ve got to start worrying about how I\u2019m going to live my life in recovery. That\u2019s green light thinking. That\u2019s good. Now I just have to make it stick, which I can do. Be brave Clara. Be strong. Being delicate does not mean being weak. You can be strong and delicate at the same time. You\u2019ve got this. It\u2019s written all over the fucking walls. YOU\u2019VE GOT THIS. I just haven\u2019t believed it yet. I\u2019ve got to stand up. I\u2019ve got to let go of these eating disordered thoughts. I\u2019ve got to make the leap from yellow to green. I\u2019ve got to shut down the red thoughts and behaviors. It\u2019s the only way to get back to juniper and ensure that she\u2019s getting everything that she needs. It\u2019s the only way that I\u2019m going to be able to progress this amazing relationship with Brandon. Besides, he\u2019s a man with needs, if I don\u2019t get out of here soon and he has those needs met elsewhere, will he even stick around. Actually, I think he will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, this Lindsey shit is just starting to get ridiculous\u2026 every fucking thing is an argument. She needs special sheets and special creams, special lotions and Rogain, don\u2019t for the fucking rogain. I mean, yeh, I feel bad for her in some ways. But on the same token, like, you can\u2019t just demand shit. Stuff makes it way upstairs after it is checked in downstairs. Then it comes up and a BHT or therapist has to approve it. It takes time. Nothing is going to happen instantly. It\u2019s a hospital and there are policies. If you have a medical need, the Dr. has to approve it and write an order. Badgering Kristen and Frank are not going to get you anything any faster. Seriously, bro, chill the fuck out. Your sheets aren\u2019t making you itch. You hypochondrism is what\u2019s doing that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
God, I can\u2019t shake the thought of Danielle today. I know she keeps coming up in the journal, but I just miss her. I keep thinking about all the time we spent together, all the good things we did. How just going to the store or for a walk was a great adventure. I miss her so much. I wish she would just call me, tell me she\u2019s all better and that she\u2019s coming home. We\u2019d call off the divorce and I would be allowed to keep loving her forever. I can take the abuse. I can take it, just come home to me. I miss your voice. I miss holding you and I miss our conversations that would go on for hours and hours about nothing at all. I miss you so much and I don\u2019t know why you betrayed me. Why did you leave me. When will this hurt stop. When will I be able to think about something else. I hate this. I hate it so fucking much. I just want things to go back to how they were. I just want to see you when I walk in the living room or bedroom. I just want to make dinners with you every night. I want us to cook and laugh and talk to jude and take her places. I want us to heal. You\u2019re my soul mate. We were never supposed to be apart again. How in the actual fuck did this happen. It\u2019s not just my heart that\u2019s broken, it\u2019s my soul. It\u2019s been ripped away from me. I forgive you. I forgive you for anything and everything. I just want you to come home. I want to be a family again. I loved our little family. It was unique and strange and it was everything we both loved. Why did you stop loving it? How could you stop loving me and Jude. We are a team. We were the perfect team, we always were. This was never supposed to happen again. We promised each other forever and forever and I meant it and I thought you did, too. Why would you betray me like this? How could you? You promised you\u2019d never stop trying, but your promises are lies. Lies upon lies upon lies. I don\u2019t think you understand what honesty even means. Or maybe you do and you\u2019ve just forgotten. Who have you become? It\u2019s not the person you said you were. That person was kind and considerate and didn\u2019t judge people on things they couldn\u2019t control. That person said they\u2019d never stop trying. That person said I could trust them with my heart. I gave it to you, completely and you tore it to bits after ripping me to shreds. Your brain is sick. Your brain is so sick that it told you to stop trusting me. It told you to get away and made up a story about me being a villain so that it would have an excuse to do so. And in the process, you abandoned me and Jude. We just want you to come home and be normal again. When are you going to be normal again? I know one day you\u2019re going to wake up and remember that I\u2019m your person and you are mine. How long do we have to wait. Until I\u2019m on my deathbed? How long will jude have to wait? Until she\u2019s fully grown. It\u2019s not fair. It\u2019s not fair and I reject this change. This is one change too many and i reject it and demand you come to your senses and stop being an idiot. Stop being this aggressive, hateful bitch or whatever the fuck you are now. Come back. Come home and let\u2019s get back on track. Let\u2019s fix this. There\u2019s nothing in this world that we can\u2019t do together, we can fix it. But you have to try. Send me a text and tell me you\u2019re going to call me. I need to hear your voice. I miss your voice. I miss you. Please, please, please, come home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m in my room and I\u2019ve got the door cracked open. It\u2019s actually quite warm in here right now, because it\u2019s warm outside and our windows are west facing on this unit. Living out west and having west facing windows equals hot, hot, hot afternoons. I\u2019ve got my blinds pulled down most of the way, but Juniper\u2019s pictures are lining the window sill, so I don\u2019t want them down all the way. And, honestly, I use the windows in the evening to body check. I only do it 2-3 times a day, but I\u2019m definitely still doing it. I\u2019m supposed to urge surf to not body check, but it\u2019s just not working for me. I\u2019m just not confident enough. I just don\u2019t trust my team and I don\u2019t want my body to change. I guess that makes me selfish, but I want to be small. 150lb girl is not small. I\u2019ll never be happy being that size. This goes back to my college years, when I was working out and trying to gain wait. I had to eat like a pro wrestler to get to 145 and it never felt right. And now they\u2019re telling me to ignore the number on the scale. Well, I don\u2019t want to. My brain is not in recovery. I don\u2019t think it can be. I don\u2019t want to be big. I want to wear a size 2. I like being tiny. Brandon likes me little. It\u2019s sexy and I look delicate. I don\u2019t want to get bigger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My bud this evening was Euphoria, but my real bud is my night time meds and sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and try this again. I\u2019m setting big goals for this week. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll get close, but I\u2019m going to try. I have to make more progress. I can\u2019t stand still. I have to move forward. It\u2019s so hard though. I just have no desire to be what they tell me I need to be. I\u2019m never going to be happy if I feel like an ogre. And if I get bigger than 140, I will feel like a fucking monster. I\u2019m not just fighting to be a pretty girl here, I\u2019m fighting to be recognized as a girl at all. It\u2019s lovely when you\u2019re in a place like this and (almost) everyone recognizes your gender. Those that don\u2019t just say it by mistake and I don\u2019t even hold it against them. I mean, i struggle with the enbys and they are part of my clan. Something about the grammar fucks me up. Oh, and their was Violet. I miss gendered her like 20 times. I didn\u2019t mean it. It just slipped out. But it slipped out because I saw her as him. Which is why Betty saying him over and over is hurtful. Like, either see me as a woman or just leave me alone and don\u2019t talk to or about me at all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I hurt Betty\u2019s feelings again at dinner. Writing about Danielle just made me really sad tonight. Knowing that my brain isn\u2019t recovered really fucked me up in group. Polly is leaving tomorrow after breakfast. That\u2019s got me all fucked up. I just don\u2019t want to talk to Betty about it. And I didn\u2019t want to leave the table. I wanted to sit through the discomfort. There are times when I need to get up and leave. But tonight I didn\u2019t want to leave. I wanted to stick it out. On the bright side, I think I\u2019m earning Katy\u2019s respect, which is kind of cool, because they are a gender diverse person and they are clearly the coolest fucking person of this new gaggle of admits. Their favorite band is Nirvana, which is fucking awesome. And, they think my dinner question answers are brilliant and funny. So that\u2019s cool. They did steal Polly\u2019s spot on the couch this week, but Polly wanted to work on their painting anyways. I miss them sitting with me, but I appreciate that they just needed to work on their painting. They always have to be doing something during groups, probably just to stay calm and I think they finished their paint by sticker books. Fuck I\u2019m going to miss Polly. They bring out the inner child in all of us, including the staff. It just won\u2019t be the same without them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So now, it\u2019s a matter of navigating this unit without the person that makes me feel ok. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ok, so this shit is goddamn getting hilarious. Lindsey is telling Jack (BHT, super chill) what he \u201cHAS TO DO.\u201d She thinks that she\u2019s getting her shit tonight. Na girl, them shits gotta get checked in, just like everything else. She also said, it\u2019s part of the rules, \u201che has to go over to her side with her.\u201d Na girl, Jack ain\u2019t gotta do shit. There are no rules, but you do what you\u2019re told around here. You\u2019re not guaranteed room time. You\u2019re not guaranteed blankets from home. You\u2019re not guaranteed to be happy. And demanding shit is just fucking funny. I\u2019m really super ultra tempted to steal her shit from the bathroom and hide it somewhere on the unit. I just want to see her head explode. She\u2019s such a fucking ass. I also want to erase her shower spot and fill in all the remaining spots with fake initials. Like, bitch, you need to calm the mother fuck down. What a goddamn hoe. I know I keep saying it, but it\u2019s true. Sit the fuck down. Shut the fuck up. You are not important. No one gives a flying rats fucking ass about your wants and needs bitch. Oh, and quit stealing other people\u2019s shit. Oh. And. Fuck you. Geez. I hope I didn\u2019t come across like that when I got here. I see the problem now. For real. If I did, I\u2019m sorry. Like, really, truly sorry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This journal is supposed to be about my journey, right? Well guess what, my journey has reached a pivotal point where I can see I was wrong. I can see what a spoiled ass I was. And you know the funny thing is that Betty sees Lindsey behaving this way and she is repulsed by it, too. I saw Betty and it made me calm down and Betty sees Lindsey and it makes her calm down. What would it take to make Lindsey shut the fuck up? Well, we have 4 admits tomorrow. What are the odds of a primadonna amongst the new recruits? Shit, I think it\u2019s time go get in line for meds. The line opens at 7:15 and I don\u2019t want to be last tonight. Don\u2019t worry, I\u2019ll keep writing . What the fuck else am I going to do while I wait.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hey, it\u2019s Nurse Brandon tonight. I like him, he\u2019s cute, for a white boy. He walked in on me changing one night and it was kind of funny. I don\u2019t think he saw that much, but I could tell it kind of embarrassed him. Not me so much. At this point, who hasn\u2019t seen me naked. Totally cool. Really. Although, it did make Brandon a little jealous. Not a little, quite a lot. He wants to fight him. Not really, but he did at least play like he\u2019s jealous. I find that hilarious and kind of cute. Not that there\u2019s anything to worry about. The countdown begins, I\u2019m just determined to not be last for meds tonight. My goal is to be so sleepy by the end of HS snack, I wobble into the Splatahhh, brush my teeth, wash my face and fall into bed. I’ll doubt I\u2019ll even make it under the blanket. I love seroquel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s growing interest in my writing and it\u2019s really cute. One of the newer girls from this week, Priscilla, is about the most darling thing you\u2019ve ever seen. She\u2019s cute as a button, she shares a shopping addiction (hers is Lulu Lemon). But here\u2019s the catch, she is super smart. She\u2019s 18 years old and extremely well read and already has so much insight into this eating disorder business. I\u2019m learning things from these kids that I had no idea, especially around relapse prevention and just eating disorder behaviors in general. To give you a visual, she\u2019s got long, dirty blonde hair and the cutest smile. And I love how she talks to me like I\u2019m on her level. Like sharing tiktoks and telling me about celebrities. It\u2019s really fun. It\u2019s something with Gen Y (I guess she\u2019s a why, I don\u2019t think she\u2019s an alpha). They are just so much more accepting and empathetic. But hearing her talk about her shopping is one of my favorite things. She has a package that was supposed to arrive last week that is finally downstairs and she should get it tomorrow. I\u2019m genuinely curious to see what she’s got. Priscilla is a great name for her, too. She comes with a little spice. You know, a little zing. She\u2019s showing me her mindful tiktok dancing and it\u2019s silly fun. I like her, she\u2019s got a great spirit and she\u2019s going to do awesome things. I think she said she\u2019s 18 and starting college in the fall. She\u2019ll be living in the dorms. We had a chat about the importance of staying out of rooms as much as possible and just being around other people. That\u2019s what I mean about insightfulness. She\u2019s a smart kid. So, Priscilla, if I end up letting you read this, this is my section dedicated to you. You\u2019re cool and ooze potential. Your outlook and attitude speak volumes. You\u2019re smart, witty and like to laugh. You like to learn and read. And there\u2019s nothing wrong with a minor shopping addiction. NOTHING. Just can\u2019t let it get too big, that\u2019s all. And, we\u2019re the only Aries on this unit. Aries have to stick together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, so there\u2019s some hope. I like the new girls. New friends. They\u2019re all really young, but that\u2019s ok. I like hanging out with young people, it makes me feel young, too. I love that they are already guessing my answers to dinner questions. Am I that obvious? But they are clever and they get my jokes and sense of humor. Wasn\u2019t I bitching that no one gets my sense of humor? Well they do. Katy called my answer to tonight\u2019s question, \u201cIf you could be reincarnated as a sea animal what would it be?\u201d The obvious answer that most people go for is something like a shark or whale or dolphin. But Rose and I had the same idea. I love Rose. She said sea slug, which is a wonderful answer. I said, \u201csomething like a mollusk or a clam that just sits at the bottom of the ocean collecting debris. They\u2019re like the trust fund babies of the ocean.\u201d Katy called it brilliant. Katy is brilliant, so I took that as a huge compliment. Katy is the one that got me writing. I saw them constantly journaling and it made me start writing. And when I filled up one journal, I started this journal, while I waited on Chris to hook up a new journal and as it turns out, this is way better. I can type faster than i can write and so my hands can actually keep up with my brain. Bonus points. I can actually read what I\u2019ve written. I\u2019m not saying this is Pulitzer material or anything. But I do think documenting as much of my experience as I can has some value. Maybe someday Juniper will want to know more about me and someone can read this to her (or she can read it herself, the kid is BRILLIANT). <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Polly is packing and we\u2019re all gathered outside their door. Everyone is feeling this loss. Kirsi, Ella and Rose especially. We love Polly. I mean that. We love them. They are a bright shining star. I gush. But it\u2019s all true. And I hear them laughing down the hall. I have to get out of here, so I can go to PHP. Or maybe I should ask them for their phone number. I don\u2019t want to be weird or be a weirdo. Meanwhile, Katy is sitting outside the group room on her own, journaling away. I love it. They inspired me and continue to do so. And there is something to be said for not letting paralysis by analysis keep you from writing. I wish I felt the same way about music. I would have been a massive rock star and song writer, but I let my perfectionism get in the way. With writing, I don\u2019t give a fuck. You can read this or not. Makes no difference to me. I\u2019m not doing this for you. I will say, I have one huge fan already, Danielle. She loved reading my journal so much, she made an illegal copy of it and quote parts of it to use against me for like 2 months straight. Thanks, love. Snack time. Let\u2019s get through this, it\u2019s going to be emotional for me, but I\u2019ll do my best and then I\u2019m going to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck it, I asked Polly for their phone number, we exchanged. That makes me happy. Okay! So all is not lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, before bed, which is approaching very fucking quickly, because night meds are starting to work, I have one more Lindsey story to share. Mind you, she\u2019s on 2E and they are basically telling her she has to come over here to shower and use spa for night time shit. I do empathize with her a little bit, because it sucks she doesn\u2019t get room time and all of her stuff is on the other side. That has to be frustrating. But her approach is just fucking atrocious. She demands instead of asking. She\u2019s a cunt. That\u2019s right, the big C. It should go without saying, DO NOT BE A STUPID FUCKING CUNT. And she is. A righteous one. She\u2019s rude and demanding and entitled and can\u2019t just go with the flow. It\u2019s one thing to be frustrated at the situation, but it\u2019s another to take it out on staff or anyone else. And the hits just keep on coming. She was brushing her teeth in Splataaaah and all of the sudden she starts marking these weird gargling noises, followed by some hawk tua sound. Rose walks behind me grinning and I\u2019m trying not to laugh. The other girls are all giving each other looks. It was so funny and bizarre, all rolled into one. I think we outlined this in previous chapters on socialization with ladies. Definitely a rule that you should not be gross. That includes making lots of noise gargling and certainly no hawk tuas. That shit\u2019s just nasty. Four new admits tomorrow and we can hope, yes hope, that they open 2E and do programming, meds and spa over there. Lindsey will be their problem at that point. Poor Toby. He\u2019s going to be stuck with that weird ass woman. Hopefully the new admits will be cool and he\u2019ll find some comradery. My eyes are getting heavy. It\u2019s been a long, long day and I need to rest. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Wow, what a morning! How am I feeling? Mad, Sad, Anxious Why? Well, I\u2019ll talk about mad first. I ordered cottage cheese for breakfast (apparently) and instead of the small cup that I normally get, I had a giant fucking bowl of the stuff. I don\u2019t really like cottage cheese that much and it took […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12\/revisions\/13"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}