Another day. Saturday to be precise. Let\u2019s see, what\u2019s going to happen today? Well, one of the dinner questions is, \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite word?\u201d And let\u2019s be honest, my favorite work is some variation of, \u201cfuck\u201d. \u201cFuck bunch\u201d, \u201cFucking Shit\u201d, \u201clet\u2019s fuck\u201d or IDK any way you word it, fuck is the best word. But, I don\u2019t want to be lame and choose something predictable, so, I used chat GPT to help me find a, \u201cnew favorite.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s what I asked\u2026\u201dGive me a word for a stuck up rich and entitled person that is so out of touch they don\u2019t realize they are a bitch.\u201d Chat GPT delivers. Some favorites are snob, toff, posh asshole, patrician. But my favorite is dilettante. It sounds french and snobby just in itself. But the definition is oh so perfect, “privileged and shallowly involved in things\u201d It\u2019s perfect and describes the slow motion train wrecks that come into the unit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lindsey is hilarious. So demanding and she doesn\u2019t even realize it. She\u2019s so south Florida and a surgeon to boot. She brought up that she was a doctor at least 3 times without being asked. But even better were her demands this morning. \u201cLet me back to my side for chapstick and vaseline, my skin will dry up and die.\u201d Ok, maybe more a paraphrase than a direct quote, but I think you get the idea. So fucking funny. And Polly and I just look at each other and smile and quickly look down, trying not to laugh out loud. It\u2019s so funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Geez. What am I feeling? Sad. Why? My friend is leaving. I have new friends now, too. Rose and Ella both actually like me now. Rose is such a wild card. She looks so cute and innocent, but things I\u2019ve learned about her. 1) She likes curse words, like a lot. It\u2019s really funny. 2) She enjoys microdosing mushrooms. Psychonauts are a special breed. 3) She has a great sense of humor. She actually gets my jokes. It makes me really happy. And Ella is coming around, too. She still thinks I\u2019m weird, but she\u2019s found a way to accept it I think. So anyways, I\u2019m not totally alone here. Oh, and Kiersi is so cute. She\u2019s like my big sister (even though she\u2019s way younger than me.) But all three of them laugh a lot. Especially in the cafe when someone says something weird and we start looking at each other. It\u2019s like a chain reaction that can\u2019t be stopped. But Polly is still my favorite. Anything Betty says makes them laugh. Last night, Betty said she was grateful for me for my conversation and Polly immediately turns in my direction with a surprised look that turned into a grin that turn me into a grin that turned her into a laugh, that we both had to look away and cover our mouths so the laugh wouldn\u2019t be audible. The same thing happened this morning when Betty said she was grateful for Polly. Geez, I\u2019m going to miss that. It\u2019s been a while since I\u2019ve had a friend to laugh with like that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now about that talk with Betty, she was trying to open up to me. She\u2019s had a hard life, and while most of her problems are rich people’s problems and make her seem out of touch, she\u2019s been through the wringer the last few years. Last night she was telling me about her husband. They\u2019ve been together for 30 years, but apart for the last year or two. And from the way she describes their relationship, he mostly puts up with her or just ignores her. That has to hurt so badly. It feels familiar, albeit different. And before she left for one of her other two homes, he was being at minimum verbally abusive. I told her that she deserves to be with someone that appreciates her for who she is and will be kind to her. And she said she was scared to divorce, something about messy assets. He is a big shot lawyer, so I\u2019m sure he has a lot of protected assets, but 30 years of marriage, any judge is going to demand that he maintain her lifestyle, IMO. But what do I know. She cried when she talked about him. It was real, I think. She said the only reason her husband came to visit was because he wants her to have a good relationship with their daughter. I don\u2019t see reconciliation in their future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
She also told me a little bit about her trauma. She was drugged and raped by her ex-boss. She won a big lawsuit. She said I could google her. I don\u2019t really want to, it sounds very triggering. So while I can giggle at some of the stuff she says and does and the fact that she\u2019s so aloof, I also can empathize with her. She can\u2019t help it she\u2019s rich. She\u2019s just out of touch and in a behavioral hospital setting, everyone is equal. Money can\u2019t buy privilege here and the more demanding you are, the more you strut your beautiful feathers, the more annoyed the staff and other patients and staff become. The less willing to help you the staff becomes, the more frustrated the dilettante becomes. And then, it\u2019s a train wreck in slow motion. They either demand to be released (not going to happen, it\u2019s hospital, Drs. say when you can go) or settle in and realize they aren\u2019t special here. They\u2019re just another patient with an eating disorder. Speaking first hand here, I think that\u2019s what a lot of the patients thought of me. I didn\u2019t mean to come across that way and I\u2019ve toned it way down. I\u2019m just another patient with an eating disorder. Don\u2019t treat me like I\u2019m special, I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be fair, I\u2019m also learning a lot about girl group dynamics. I\u2019ve heard for years that girls can be really mean to each other and OMG is that true. Throw in the trans part and it makes it even worse, maybe. IDK. I can\u2019t decide. But things I\u2019ve picked up on: don\u2019t be a bitch, always compliment the girl that dresses up for the day, don\u2019t steal thunder, they hate it when you steal thunder, don\u2019t be a princess, it\u2019s ok to cry (it\u2019s accepted and expected), say good morning and good night, don\u2019t insist on being first, the more competitive you behave, the more they will try and knock you down. Middle of the road is ok, don\u2019t be the prettiest and don\u2019t be the ugly duckling. Make sure you congratulate, celebrate and articulate- gratitude, acts of kindness, any other chance you get. Don\u2019t act entitled. Show up on time. Don\u2019t leave early unless it\u2019s an emergency. Follow the crowd when it comes to things like how you dress, talk and behave. Outliers look like competition. See above. Money isn\u2019t power here. See above. Don\u2019t get too many new and shiny things. Having the best makes you look snobby. Gay dudes are you friend, they will get your back. Don\u2019t criticize or call out unless there is group consensus. If an older or pretty girl offers to help you with your make up, it means your makeup looks stupid. Let them help. Don\u2019t be gross. Cute hair and makeup is ok sometimes, but make sure you dress down sometimes, too. If you behave like a pretty princess, they will treat you like a bitch. Funny is ok. Giggles are a sign of friendship. So are smiles. We all have to pee a lot. Talking about bodily functions is a signal that you\u2019re, \u201cone of the girls.\u201d That includes potty talk. They love hearing about your kids, your cats, your dogs and your parents. Loving your parents is cool. Appreciating them is even cooler. Listen and don\u2019t butt in to conversations. Don\u2019t show off with fancy beauty products, it makes you look like a fucking snob. It\u2019s ok to be skinny, it\u2019s ok to be fat, don\u2019t judge a girl on her looks, judge by her smile, her eyes and her heart. Those are things that matter most in a girl\u2019s world. Be quick with your shower. It\u2019s ok to primp a little, but make room for others. Don\u2019t hog the mirror. If you\u2019re first in line every day, you\u2019re a bitch. Don\u2019t be a bitch. DO NOT BE A BITCH. Like seriously, DO NOT BE A BITCH. Bitches get austrasized by the group. So, DO NOT BE A BITCH. Pronouns matter, especially to enbys, so get it right. Apologize and correct yourself if you get it wrong, don\u2019t dwell. Don\u2019t be too happy or excited. It\u2019s ok to bitch a little, but don\u2019t make it your M.O. That makes you a bitch, DO NOT BE A FUCKING BITCH. Little touches of makeup that are done right are ok. Full face makeup is kind of a no no, unless you have a reason (someone is coming to visit, you\u2019re going out, etc.). Learn some different hairstyles. A headband every day is too cutesy. The ones with the bow are no bueno, unless it\u2019s part of an ensemble that requires cuteness. Make friends early with new people, don\u2019t wait. Being smart is ok, but you don\u2019t have to be the smartest person in the room and you need to let other girls shine when they are better at something than you. Don\u2019t compete. See above. Try and add something to the group that no one else adds. Polly is the strange one, Rachel is the house mom, Reina is the real one, etc. I\u2019m funny. It\u2019s ok to be funny. See above. A little quick check in the mirror is fine. Double check makeup, teeth and hair. Leggings are ok, but boobs are taboo. Wear a bra. Nips are not ok, even when it\u2019s all girls. Down the patriarchy, but a certain level of lady is expected. Don\u2019t be gross. See above. But most of all, please remember, DO NOT BE A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your friends are the girls that will wake you up if you\u2019re napping and it\u2019s snack or meal time. If they let you sleep, it might be an indicator that you\u2019ve done something that the group disapproves of and you need to make up for it somehow. That can be humor, compliments, letting someone else go first, a general act of kindness, a note\u2026 something. I definitely have had days where they let me sleep, so I was probably a bitch that day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I mentioned above that it\u2019s both okay and expected for you to cry, but you also don\u2019t want to cry all the time. That makes you look weak and girls are to be strong sometimes, too. It\u2019s a fine line and balance. Younger girls think anyone over thirty is old. They think you don\u2019t get them and they are less likely to make you a mainstay in their social group. I hate being one of the older patients here. I\u2019m automatically excluded from certain things. I think they all think I\u2019m funny, but maybe they don\u2019t trust me or something. I don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I wish we were allowed to record and take pictures sometimes. We\u2019ve had some really fun nights here. One night a few weeks ago, Gaby was still here and all the girls were strutting in the hallway with one of the nurses. It was so funny and everyone was smiling and giggling. Riley even had a smile and she never smiled. I want a picture with Polly, but I don\u2019t want to ask because I\u2019m afraid it will be weird. I want to ask her to add me on some social media app, but I don\u2019t want to seem like a stalker. Ugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The biggest thing that I\u2019ve learned is that I don\u2019t know shit about being a girl. I can look the part, stand the right way, sip, don\u2019t slurp, etc. All the shit Danielle was trying to tell me. But the dynamics part is obviously way more complicated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
10:45 AM and we just finished our AM snack. I\u2019m already feeling the dread of lunch. What the fuck have I signed myself up to eat? I\u2019m really sick of grilled cheese. I\u2019m super ultra deluxe sick of cheese quesadillas. I think I forgot to utilize the bowl of buttered noodles this week. Courtney is going to start pushing me to eat bigger meals this week, I can feel it. Part of the reason I don\u2019t want to go to phase II is that I\u2019ll be expected to complete bigger meals without supplement. And even with supplement, I\u2019ve come to despise it. I can\u2019t get the feeling out of my head that the vanilla supplement is spoiled every time now. Thanks Betty. But the chocolate, which still tastes like ass, is so fucking thick and sits on my stomach like a lead weight. I don\u2019t want to eat and I don\u2019t want to supplement. I restricted last night. I had a cheese quesadilla and the cheese was coming out the sides and it looked gross, so I cut it off. It was just a small amount, but they gave me half a cup of supplement, even though I choked down the rest of it. It didn\u2019t seem fair, so I restricted. I\u2019ll suffer the consequences, I\u2019m sure. Courtney is going to be on my ass about it. Alana, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why has group been so hard this week? I\u2019m sitting outside the group room, but I don\u2019t plan on going to group, to be honest. I just don\u2019t want to be in the group room with so many people. It\u2019s just a lot, especially after a snack. I can sit here and journal and write and listen to music and it\u2019s quiet and the energy is calm. The group has gotten a little more sensitive with the new admits. The girls are more touchy about redlight topics. Not to say that we blabbed about them before, but if we did, no one really said anything. I just have to remember to be more careful. Not trying to ruffle the collective groups feathers. Maybe that\u2019s part of my hesitation about the groups. Like, I don\u2019t want to say the wrong thing and I say the wrong thing all the fucking time. I have no filter and I don\u2019t detect social queues. It\u2019s a problem and one reason I\u2019ve struggled to make friends here I think. My social queue detector is just defunct. I\u2019ve started to question if I\u2019m masking autism or if it\u2019s ADHD or something else. Maybe I\u2019m just socially awkward. I\u2019m not particularly sensory sensitive. At least I don\u2019t think so, I don\u2019t know. Isabell just came into the hallway and announced, \u201cgroup time\u201d to the three of us sitting out here. She\u2019s going to be annoyed by me today, because I\u2019m probably going to skip all the groups. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I kind of want to try and hide between the wheelchairs in the hall near the exam room. But then I might end up drawing more attention from nursing. I want to hide. That\u2019s how I feel, I feel exposed and raw and I want to hide under a blanket and I want to sleep. Good sleep and no dreams to remember. Just deep, comfortable, quiet, calm sleep. I miss my bed at home. And my cats and my dog. I miss my routine and I most of all miss Juniper. I want to go home, but I\u2019m nowhere near ready. Even if I do PHP, I\u2019m going to cheat when no one is looking. I want to get back down to 125 lbs. I want to check the scale every day. I want to body check every hour or every time I eat. I want to just drink shakes and no real food again. I don\u2019t want to damage my body and I accept that these things will cause damage. But I still want to do them. The urge to do this shit is stronger than cocaine. And it saves so much money and time. I just genuinely don\u2019t want to eat. I know, I keep saying it. It shouldn\u2019t be my mantra, but it kind of is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh gawd, Betty and Lindsey just came out into the hall. I guess they are skipping group, too, Polly is somewhere in the hall, not in a group. I don\u2019t see her. Maybe with nursing. Betty is making a B-Line for her room I think. Lindsey is demanding shit from the BHTs. At least I\u2019m journaling. I\u2019m at least trying to cope in a way that works for me, because the breathing BS and all the coping mechanisms are not effective for me. At least not with my anxiety at 10\/10. Lindsey is demanding they let her go back to the other side. They\u2019re saying, \u201cno.\u201d Too many demands, BHTs no likey. You have to adapt, Lindsey. You\u2019re not special here. Your surgery skills won\u2019t get you privilege. The slow motion train wreck is high speed and headed for certain disaster. She\u2019s back in the group room, just playing on her phone. It wouldn\u2019t surprise me a bit if she\u2019s doing voice to text while everyone else is trying to focus on whatever the group is about. It\u2019s Maddy, New Girl, and Me in the hallway. Where is Polly? I think they are on the floor near the med room. I so selfishly want them to stay here until I\u2019m ready to go. It\u2019s complete selfishness. I am feeling sad. Why? Because my friend is leaving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, the million dollar question. Do I clonazapam or do I not clonazapam. If I do, I can probably do group. But then I\u2019ll be drowsy. My mind will be slow, but my feelings will be dull. That letter the other day said, \u201csit with the pain.\u201d I\u2019m not very good at that. I mask, I avoid, I dance around the pain the like a bull dances around a red cape. Maybe my sensitivity to pain is higher than most. Maybe that\u2019s why I\u2019m always looking for an escape hatch. I\u2019d rather murder myself than sit with the discomfort. I know it\u2019s wrong, but it\u2019s what my brain is telling me to do with my body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maddy just took my spot on the couch in group. Now I can\u2019t go in there, even if I want to. Goddamnit, wasn\u2019t one of my goals to go to group. This is like a new struggle and I don\u2019t understand it. I feel annoyed and disappointed in myself. I\u2019m stronger than this. I have core values, and those revolve around doing what I need to do, so I can get home to Juniper. But I\u2019m still scared. I\u2019m scared of being outside of these walls. I feel like the world is going to come after me if I leave. I feel like Danielle has some sort of evil plot twist that\u2019s going to result with me in chains. I fear Danielle a lot. Trauma is real and she caused nearly all of it. My heart breaks again, today, just thinking about it. Better to push these thoughts out of my head. Maybe I can focus on something positive. She said she hated DBT, because it was basically talking yourself into being happy. But I guess what I would ask her, now, if I had the chance is, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with talking yourself into being happy, if the end result is happiness?\u201d I think it was just her sick brain tricking her into staying sick. It\u2019s the same brain that told her not to go to the hospital for help. It\u2019s the same brain that told her I\u2019m a villain and that I was doing the things that she was actually doing. DARVO is so fucking real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When will I run out of thoughts? Actually, I never knew that I had this much to say, to be honest. I guess, I\u2019ve journaled before, but because it was paper and pen, I just stopped after a few pages, because my brain couldn\u2019t keep up with my hand or wait, the other way, my hand couldn\u2019t keep up with my brain. And it\u2019s not like I\u2019m saying anything insightful or useful or am I? Hard to say. I guess I\u2019d have to let someone else read this shit and frankly that\u2019s a level that I don\u2019t think I\u2019m willing to go to right now. At least not with anyone that I know. Maybe that\u2019s my problem. Maybe I\u2019m just too walled off to make good friends. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think acceptance is actually a basic need, below food, shelter, clothing, but it\u2019s there. As a marketer I used that one all the time. Maybe this is karma. I let my knowledge of human need be used for deviant purposes. That\u2019s why I don\u2019t want to go back to marketing. It\u2019s all about knowing what drives human behavior and using that to profit. I\u2019m a capitalist, really, I am. But greed and capitalism don\u2019t have to go hand in hand. Besides, all the BS marketing I did and look where I\u2019m at and who I made rich. Not myself, not my daughter, definitely not Danielle. I made two guys that already had everything wealthy. Ironically, though, I didn\u2019t do it for financial gain, mostly. I did it because it was fun trying to build something. It was really fun being the best at something. In certain circles, I am thought to be a genius. I\u2019m not, but they think so, and that feels really good. At least it did. I guess I don\u2019t care about that any more. That\u2019s one real reason Danielle lost interest in me. I don\u2019t care about being a big shot any more. That drive is gone. I want to be the person that does the most good in this world. I think that means just being an absolutely awesome parent to Juniper and living up to my promise of giving her every opportunity that I can to thrive, whatever that may look like. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I still want to shop, dress smart and cute and drive a nice car. I want to keep fixing up the house and making it beautiful. But I most of all want to take care of Bee. She needs me and I need her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I want to be a better person. I get so short with Mom sometimes and I don\u2019t mean to, it\u2019s just like I get activated and turn into someone else. I hate being like that. I hate that I hurt her feelings. Yes, she has problems and her personality isn\u2019t the easiest to get along with, but she does love her kids. She\u2019s just awkward, too, sometimes. But she deserves grace, just like she gives me. I need to be more calm. I need to set better boundaries and be assertive but calm with her. I can\u2019t lose my cool. I have to prove them wrong. All of them. I\u2019m not a bad person. I\u2019ve done shitty things, but I\u2019m not a bad person overall. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have an artist\u2019s temperament, that\u2019s true. I struggle with big emotions and they come across very aggressive. That\u2019s precisely what I don\u2019t want to be, aggressive. That\u2019s scary and I don\u2019t want to be scary. I want to be cute and cuddly, like a kitten. I don\u2019t want to be a bad bitch. I want my aura to be pink and lavender. Gentle, soft and warm colors that draw people in and make them feel safe, happy and comfortable. That\u2019s the image I want to project. Not a snobby, stuck up bitch. I swear that\u2019s what I\u2019m trying to express with my clothes and makeup, soft and gentle. Not fragile, but delicate. That\u2019s how I see myself. I just hate the fact that when I break, it turns me ugly, like a honey bee that\u2019s forced to use its stinger to defend itself, knowing it will likely die. When I go aggressive, a part of me dies. The sweet kind part of me falls to pieces and only thorns are left. I don\u2019t want to be thorns. I\u2019m a flower. I want to be like Rose, capture the sun and share it with everyone. I need to learn to smile. Maybe that will come, it\u2019s important for girls to smile. My skin is softer and so is my heart, but my head is strong. Willful, I think they call it. I\u2019m supposed to be willing, but here we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I took the clonazepam. Fuck It. It just means I can\u2019t lie down. I have to stay up and moving. Brandon is coming this afternoon. I get to feel like his girl for an hour. It feels so good. Like the highest high I\u2019ve ever had. My stomach is butterflies and my skin a conductor for his electric touch. If I had it my way, he\u2019d rip my clothes off and fuck me in the room. I\u2019d be loud and everyone would hear and I wouldn\u2019t fucking care. Slut. Whatever. At least I\u2019m not a bitch. DO NOT BE A BITCH, BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know when food became such a stupid fucking problem. I do know that I\u2019ve never eaten the way they make us eat here. I do know that for much of my youth, I skipped breakfast and lunch. I\u2019d eat a decent dinner, sometimes. Sometimes it was mac and cheese or red beans and rice. Sometimes Mom was gone and there wasn\u2019t much of anything to eat. Sometimes we forged her signature on checks to order a pizza. Sometimes I\u2019d find odd jobs to do for neighbors to make a little money so I could buy chips and soda. I\u2019m a picky eater, but not in the traditional sense. Big flavors are fine. I like vegetables, including the green ones that are really good for you. I\u2019m ok with meat sometimes, but only sometimes and only if it\u2019s cooked in a way that I feel comfortable with. It\u2019s not about being well done or anything like that. This is something Danielle and I had in common. Chicken, for example, is fine, if it is seasoned, thin and cut into small bits. Maybe that is an eating disorder behavior. If so, this has been going on for far longer than the transition. Come to think of it, I\u2019ve had body image issues since puberty. I was excited about puberty, but when it came to the way my body was changing, I didn\u2019t like it. I wanted to grow up, sure. But not into a hairy, smelly monster with a deep voice. I miss my sweet girl voice that I once had.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember puberty being a big deal. But mostly because everyone else had already started it and I hadn\u2019t. Then, the summer that I started puberty, I was in Portland, TN with my grandfather and Dad. Both of them are good guys, I guess. But they wouldn\u2019t like who I am, so maybe they aren\u2019t good guys. My whole concept of who\u2019s good and who\u2019s bad has been flipped on it\u2019s head. My concept of friendship is fucked up, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Let\u2019s take a break from this trip down puberty lane to make a quick note, Lindsey is getting worse. To be fair, she\u2019s on 2E pretty much by herself. So that means all her stuff is over there, including her room. But she\u2019s demanding that they let her go have room time and frankly we just aren\u2019t staffed to have anyone over there with her. And THIS IS A BEHAVIORAL HEALTH HOSPITAL. Privilege is not a thing here. You are not special, you aren\u2019t important. You are a mental health patient. No one cares about what you want. They will try and be nice if you are nice to them, but demanding shit will get you NO WHERE. Actually, I\u2019ve seen and mentioned how staff here are likely to spite you if you\u2019re a posh bitch. DO NOT BE A BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now, like I was saying, puberty hit me in a weird way and a way that only makes sense now. My body and it\u2019s functions were changing, but in all the wrong ways. My sweet, cute voice got lower and my cute face turned more masculine. But not like, particularly masculine. It\u2019s like I spent the last 30 years in between male and female. They call us shemales when we transition, but really, that\u2019s what I was before I transitioned. I guess if I had done the T therapy, I would have become more manly, maybe. But I really did tremble at the thought of having more body hair, more facial hair, going bald, thicker and more coarse hair, etc. Like, eww, no. That\u2019s not what I want, that\u2019s not who I am. I\u2019m gentle, I\u2019m soft. Don\u2019t make me more aggressive and more masculine. So now I\u2019d say I\u2019m more she than I am male. I\u2019m pretty, like really pretty and I like that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Brandon is coming after lunch and he\u2019s going to hold me. He\u2019ll cradle my hand between his big hands. I\u2019ll touch his arm with my free hand, my head on his shoulder. He\u2019ll kiss me and apologize for it. It\u2019s cute. I get so excited just thinking about it. We\u2019ll talk about this and that. I do wish he wasn\u2019t poly, if I\u2019m being very honest. I don\u2019t mind Julia, because they don\u2019t have sex. But I\u2019m grossed out by the thought of him sleeping with Joseph and I really wish he wouldn\u2019t chase other transgirls around. On the flip side of things, at least I\u2019m sort of aware of what\u2019s going on with him. He\u2019s not cheating. I don\u2019t think a poly person can cheat, unless they don\u2019t tell me about it. Danielle said, \u201cYou\u2019ll never be enough\u201d and I guess there is some brutal truth to that. But he does love me. I can tell, I\u2019m special to him. He took ME out on Valentine\u2019s day and he knew he wasn\u2019t getting anything out of it. Not that I didn\u2019t want to give myself to him, but it wasn\u2019t feasible that night. Anyways, he took me out. Not Julia or Joseph or anyone else. It was me. He wants to spend 2-3 nights a week with me when I get out of here. But today, I\u2019ll settle for being kissed and those gentle touches that send sparks up and down my body, like direct current tied to my spine. Those touches that make me unable to control myself. I get wet and excited. Sorry, TMI, but it\u2019s fucking true. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know it probably seems a little flighty, but a quick Lindsey update. She\u2019s demanding from another BHT that she be allowed over to 2E. And while it is a little unfair, it\u2019s just the way it is. Except it bitch. You\u2019re gonna have to sleep in the hallway during break. Grab a couch or a quiet corner and make yourself comfortable. We all do it at some point. Ella (BHT, super cute, blonde and sweet smile, also a Swiftie) isn\u2019t going to budge. And, I just want to reiterate one more time, that they don\u2019t like being told what to do or that they have to do something. They don\u2019t really HAVE to do anything. They\u2019ve got charting, and spa and they have to locate everyone on unit every 15 minutes. We don\u2019t have extra staff to go sit on 2E while you recharge in your room. So, pull up a floor spot and make yourself comfy, bitch, cause they aren\u2019t going to do what you want them to do. Period. I give her 24 hours before she\u2019s demanding they let her go home. They won\u2019t. But she will definitely demand it. That\u2019s like the trainwreck finally. A big, giant burst of flames, screeches and stomping of entitled little posh feet. Shit, am I a bitch for watching the whole thing in slow motion? FUCK. DO NOT BE A BITCH.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hate that I keep going back and forth between subjects, but I can\u2019t help it. Every day there\u2019s something on the unit that works as a distraction. I guess that\u2019s part of the reason that I don\u2019t really mind being here. I\u2019m so used to being at home alone with only the cats and dogs and of course Jude to entertain me. Here it\u2019s like a reality TV show. 19 strangers with mental health issues, committed mostly against their will, to live on a unit without access to TV, energy drinks or coffee, to find out what happens when patients stop playing nice, and start getting real. Real Eating Disorders, Denver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Okay, so I just need to make it through lunch without a panic attack, which I think I\u2019ll be able to do. Go in and eat the slop they give me. Drink the water they give me and try and win contexto, because, I mean, I\u2019m really fucking good at that shit. It was so funny. Yesterday we were playing, and Lindsey thought she was about to win it naming off various species of fish, when I throw out the brilliant associate, \u201cBait.\u201d As soon as it came out of my mouth, Lindsey says something like, \u201cwe were doing pretty well naming off differ\u2026\u201d and the BHT (I don\u2019t remember who) chimes in, \u201cThat was it.\u201d Lindsey actually seemed sad that we won. I guess she wanted to be the Contexto hero. Na, girl. That\u2019s Rachel. I\u2019m Rachel\u2019s trusted sidekick. And together, we nail that shit, like every day. And I\u2019d like to mention, I also had the breakthrough word, at 29, that got us closer to the final word. That\u2019s how Contexto goes, you see. You name random shit. Most of the words are going to be in the thousands. But then someone finds a basic word, \u201chuman\u201d or \u201chouse\u201d or \u201cwater\u201d and that takes you closer, in the 100\u2019s. Then, it\u2019s game time. Now you need to find a closer association. What connects all of the words that are in the 100\u2019s. Ok, boom, you find a word that\u2019s under 50, now we\u2019re getting somewhere. Let\u2019s go for the kill, at least one word under 10 and we\u2019re in business. Put it all together with a new direction that directly associates with all the words under 10. And, winner, winner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Oh Lindsey, stop arguing with the BHTs girl. They aren\u2019t gonna help you right now. You need to talk to your team. But it\u2019s the weekend, so there is no team here. So really, you\u2019re fucked until Monday if you\u2019re lucky. Probably middle of the week. Our priorities aren\u2019t their priorities. And if it truly is an emergency, you\u2019re better off going to nursing and expressing your distress, they have a little more power than the BHTs. The BHTs are trained to say, \u201cno\u201d. They have to draw a line in the sand. Otherwise, they would get run all over by every primadonna that steps foot in here. I get it. I guess I got frustrated at first, too. But once you learn the chain of command and how to approach things, it\u2019s actually not hard to get what you want, when you want it. Also, it helps if the BHTs like you. You have to make them like you. Corrine and Ella are so sweet and cool. I love having them here. They would bend over backwards to help you accomplish whatever it is you\u2019re trying to do. But, you have to be cool. You have to accept that they have authority over you. You\u2019re a mental health patient and they are basically enforcers of the rules. Ok, so I was a bitch that one night about the hoodie thing. But Shawna is the only one that enforces that rule and the cafe is cold, usually. And I didn\u2019t have a bra on, so my nipples would have been poking straight through my shirt. So, I just went to bed. I think I pissed off all the girls on unit, Jake defended me. But really, i should have just gone and gotten a sweater or something that wasn\u2019t against the rules. I also was just having a really bad day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Uh Oh, 12:37, it\u2019s time for lunch. I really, really don\u2019t want to go. Corrine just popped her in my door. She\u2019s so nice. I want to listen to her and do what she asks. She\u2019s cool. I\u2019m cool with her. It\u2019s a mutual respect thing and it works. Ugh. Lunch. Wish me luck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Still a lot of anxiety at lunch, but significantly less thanks to our good friend benzo. Thanks Benny, you really rock my world. And what a fantastic lunch we had. Contexto, 9 guesses. Global.com<\/a> 7 guesses. Global.org<\/a> org 4, but it would have been 3, but Betty through out india. Like, na girl, we\u2019re trying to go southeast. Raine took us home with Ethiopia. Rachel and I pretty much ran Contexto by ourselves. It was so fun. Rachel got the answer, Dinosaur, but I had 2 of the top 12 answers, so I felt pretty fucking good about the whole thing. Lindsey keeps bitching like non fucking stop. She\u2019s still arguing with BHTs. It\u2019s not going well and she\u2019s making a real ass out of herself. The FIRE. The SPARKS, The SCREAMS. The HORRORS. Bodies are lifeless on the roads. I do kind of feel for her, she just wants her shit out of the bathroom. But they just keep saying, \u201cno.\u201d I swear, Lindsey, the more you try and haggle and argue with them, the more they will dig their feet in and tell you to fuck off. You have to be cool, fool. God, I hope I didn\u2019t come across like that when I got here. I\u2019m so much nicer than that and I know how to take no for an answer. And I know how to properly escalate. I\u2019d just like to point out that the mail policy has quietly been updated to recognize that we order essentials through the mail. It\u2019s our connection to the outside world. No one knows it, but I did that single handedly. You\u2019re welcome 2W. We can now get packages without a delay. It\u2019s great. It\u2019s gone from 2 packages a week to, please limit non-essentials. That\u2019s a much more rational policy. I guess I made a good case. I really wish I could be a lawyer. I\u2019d be good at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ella, I just want to write this note to you that I\u2019m sorry. Everyone is a little high strung today. I\u2019m not, I took a benzo and I\u2019m cool as a cucumber for the like the next 3 hours. I\u2019m just going to snuggle Brandon. My voice naturally goes higher when I talk to him. It\u2019s cute and he likes it. Yeh, I started with an apology to Ella and ended gushing for Brandon again. And since no one else is going to read this, I\u2019d just like to point out how much i want him to get me naked and do it to me. There\u2019s something so awesome about giving my body to him so he can have his way. Great if I orgasm, but even if I don\u2019t, I likes taking me and I like being taken. It feels natural. Especially when I\u2019m on my back, OMG that was intense. But really anyway he wants to do it to me. Flip me around, turn me over, sit me up, sit me on top. Tell me what to do. I like it. I even like giving him head. He\u2019s patient with me and isn\u2019t too demanding, but occasionally pushes my head down kind of hard and it\u2019s so fucking hot. I\u2019m just a mess. He makes me a mess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh boy, now Betty is pacing with her bag again. The cool news is that we don\u2019t have an MC this afternoon, so they\u2019re probably just gonna let us chill in our rooms. I need a day off from groups. I\u2019m just so tired of sharing and being vulnerable. And the vibe is different. It\u2019s going to be an adjustment. We have some really smart and insightful people on the unit. Katy (they\/them) and Priscilla (she\/her), both very intelligent and they like to dominate the conversation a little. I\u2019m ok with that. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much anyways. They\u2019re new here, let them set the pace. It\u2019s just that, their pace is a little different and I\u2019m having to catch up. I\u2019m use to Raine, Ella and me setting the pace. So on one hand, it\u2019s fun to hear new voices. But on the other hand, it\u2019s a little frustrating when I feel like I can\u2019t get a word in or I feel like we\u2019re just flying in different directions. Part of the fun with group is finding ways to connect with people. Shared experiences and feelings make us all feel closer as a group. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I think Lindsey just realized that she\u2019s not getting her way, like at all. Ella says, \u201cI\u2019m opening the patio for those who want to go outside\u201d and Lindsay responded with, \u201cCan you open the group room?\u201d Like, no bitch. Girl, you\u2019ve got to slow your mother fucking roll. She was told no, so she said, \u201cOk, I\u2019ll go outside.\u201d Like she was given a choice. I mean I guess she was. Sit inside on the couch and STFU or go outside on the patio and STFU. TRAIN MOTHERFUCKING WRECK! BOOOM! <\/p>\n\n\n\n I, on the other hand, am just waiting for Brandon to be brought up. I do wish they\u2019d hurry because they only give us an hour. But, I\u2019m going to be patient. No point in being rude, or demanding. It literally gets you no where. Being a sweetheart, however, will get you favors. Like extra minutes with your guest and shit like that. I\u2019m perfectly satisfied with that. Actually, I have to say, most of the BHTs we\u2019ve had lately are so fucking chill. Kristen is probably the most annoying of them all. I feel like if this were the Stanford jail experiment, she\u2019d be the first one to start brutalizing the \u201cinmates\u201d. Like, she just likes power a little bit too much. She kind of gets off on saying, \u201cno\u201d, and enforcing the rules. She\u2019s also just a rule follower and I get that. It\u2019s her job. And truthfully, I think she\u2019s a sweet girl. It\u2019s just hard going back and forth between staff that are relatively lax and those that are by the book. There are less, \u201cby the book\u201d staff than others. Something something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Brandon just left. We got a full our of cuddle time in the phone room. So like, lots and lots of snuggles. He keeps reminding me about how much he wants to, \u201cspend time\u201d, with me. Ok, so I\u2019m a little new at this, but I\u2019m pretty sure he has plans for me and I\u2019m not going lie, I have plans for him, too. And I sure as fuck hope they involve him taking my clothes off and fucking me multiple times. I can\u2019t wait. I could write a porno in this blog, but I\u2019m not gonna. It wouldn\u2019t be appropriate. Just know that I love spending time with him. I\u201dm getting more and more attached. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I felt so relaxed after hanging out with him for an hour and all the snuggles, I didn\u2019t even mind snack. Then, I fell asleep until dinner time. They\u2019ve let us chill in our rooms. I took such a nice long nap. Now, it\u2019s dinner time, but I swear, I\u2019m so fucking chill, I don\u2019t even think care. I hope it\u2019s not something awful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I woke up and Lindsey is out there, I think she\u2019s on the phone ordering more shit. I already know she has no money, because she doesn\u2019t get paid until the end of the month. I think I heard something about a tax refund on April 29th. That\u2019s a long way away. Is she using her credit card. Ohh good lord, please tell me your credit card number. I\u2019m going to order her so much shit here. Weird, fucking shit. Please, Oh please, let me have your credit card number, Lindsey. We all need a good laugh and I will max that fucker out shit by her, for her, and to her. I\u2019m talking custom coasters, embroidered towels and wash clothes, 10 pairs of terrible shoes, some less than lethal weaponry, stickers, custom stickers, really red light topic t-shirts in all the wrong sizes, a book about medical ethics, a wig, extensions and some sort of pastry for the staff. And not just on our unit, the staff of the whole building, including PHP. I\u2019m talking about dog sweaters and kitten mittens, strange \u201cAdult baby\u201d costumes, onesies, onesies and some really inappropriate skin tight dresses. I mean, I\u2019m pretty much going to have truckloads of shit delivered, all to her. And all at her expense and it\u2019s going to be GLORIOUS. When she learns that they will no longer let her have packages, it\u2019s going to be a hellscape. When she sees it\u2019s all on her credit card and that her shit is maxed out, she\u2019s going to have a nightmare trying to get things returned from all the various vendors. It\u2019s going to be so fucking funny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n No luck with the credit card, but my dinner word was somewhat successful. Pretty sure that none of the aloof snobs know what dilettante means, which is fantastic. And labeling it my, \u201c2nd favorite word\u201d did result in Raine asking what my favorite word was, \u201csome variation of the fuck word\u201d which resulted in someone saying, \u201cI knew it.\u201d However, no one bothered asking what dilettante means, which was a little disappointing. But, let\u2019s take a moment to talk about the glorious nature of the fuck word and why it\u2019s my favorite. It\u2019s really the most versatile word in the English language. Happy, Sad, Angry, Mad, Joy, Pain and some Sexy. It really does it all. It can be a noun, verb, adjective or adverb and if you piece together your sentence correctly, it can be all these things in one sentence and sometimes one word. For emphasis, you can add it to virtually any other word and it creates a stir. And it\u2019s still considered the worst curse word we can use. It\u2019s such a dirty, dirty word. But not really, that\u2019s just kind of silly. So it actually just creates the illusion of a dirty word, when really it\u2019s just a word. There are so many words that are so much worse than fuck. Words that have hateful, evil, vile and despicable meaning. But fuck, no pun intended, gets the award, year over year. Now there are some close contenders that I really do appreciate. Words like cunt, bitch, dick, cock and balls. But put them all together and you still don\u2019t get anywhere close to the power of fuck. Fuck just rolls off your tongue and once you learn to say it, you say it all the time. For me, it was third grade, when my mom decided I could watch R rated movies for some reason. I learned it and loved it and started saying it almost immediately. It was amazing that I said such a word and not only did the sky not fall down, but all my friends joined in for a ton of fucking fuck word fun. It really added to zeal to our conversations. I love the word, I really do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dinner was so sad. What am I feeling? Sad. Why? Polly leaves after one more day. We played got it and the words were polyurethane and jail break. Aww\u2026 what a send off. Perfectly weird and confusing. There will be no more got it. There will be no more laughs. To be honest, i just picked a radiohead lyric. You can pretty much pull any radiohead lyric and as a single word or phrase, it\u2019s going to sound strange. But the kicker is that no one is going to play along with me like Polly. No one else thinks my stupid jokes are funny and it sucks. This is detrimental to my health. I\u2019m going to be depressed for a while and feel really bad. It\u2019s strange kind of heart break. Like, I want them to be my best friend forever, because they are awesome and make me smile and laugh. And I don\u2019t feel weird or dumb. Nothing is too strange or out there. And just grinning makes us both laugh. And I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll ever even see them again. I\u2019m crying right now, quietly and no one even knows it. They don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t have many friends. I struggle to make them and other than Brandon, I have made a real friend since I\u2019ve come out. Susan is my friend, I guess. Although, I think i really pissed her offer because I cussed at my mom. It was my bad, I need to be nicer to her, even when she makes me feel insane. But that\u2019s not the story here. The story is I want Polly to be my friend and stay in touch. But I don\u2019t want to be the weird old person and ask them for their phone number. I\u2019m scared they\u2019d reject me or maybe they don\u2019t like me as much as I like them. I am so fucking emo. And it\u2019s going to make being here suck, because there\u2019s no one to fill this void. But I know I\u2019m not ready to go. I still want to restrict at every fucking meal. If I leave here and I eat 2 meals a day and 3 snacks, you can bet your ass I\u201dm skipping whatever my home meal assignment is. There\u2019s no way I\u2019m going to eat like this and continue to gain weight. Letting me go into the wild is a terrible idea, Just being honest. So i need to stay. I need to get this anxiety under control. I need to stop this suicidal ideation and self harm bullshit. I need to learn to cope in a non-maladaptive way. Fuck this sucks. I just want to cry and go to sleep. I have to really get better. Like, really, really better. I need my temper to be calm, my mood to be stable. I need to be in the hospital for while more. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to leave, it\u2019s that I know it\u2019s a terrible idea to go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As soon as I\u2019m in the real world again, exposed to real pressures, all this shit is going to sneak right back up on me. I have to be stable and right now, I\u2019m just not. My anxiety is still a 10 when I wake up and a 10 after snack. I can\u2019t go to group, because I can\u2019t be around people. I hate it. I wish my brain didn\u2019t suck. I wish it wasn\u2019t sick. I live with the guilt that I somehow did this to myself and I hate that shit. If I hadn\u2019t taken so much MDMA or done all that coke, would I be more normal, more balanced. Probably not. The depression started at least 5-6 years before I ever even experimented with my first drug. MDMA just gave me some temporary relief for a while. I had radical mood swings when I was 14-16 years old. I guess around puberty. And before that, there were tantrums. It\u2019s not my mom\u2019s fault, but it is, in that I learned many of my maladaptive behaviors from her. I learned the big dramatic tantrums from her. I learned to yell and scream and cry, from her. It\u2019s not her fault. Her brain is just sick and she thinks praying will make it unsick. Thanks Debbie. Your stupid fucking church is absurd. It teaches hatred and keeps people sick that need help, including you. Except, apparently, drinking half a bottle of wine every single night is totally acceptable. Weed, no! Wine, Okay. I mean, Jesus definitely would have smoked hashish or weed of some sort. Enjoy the fruits of the earth and all. And honestly, I think he would have used pages from the old testament to roll a phatty. Because everyone knows the old testament is fucking bullshit, mostly written by kings to keep the population in line. The jews don\u2019t really follow the old testament, so why the fuck do we? Wow, this just turned into an unhinged rant. My brain is tired. I\u2019m ready for bed meds and bed. Bring on the next shitty snack so I can shovel it down and hopefully pass out. Tomorrow sucks, but I\u2019m going to try and make it the best day I can. I\u2019m going to wear my EFF unicorn shirt, black jeans, and my sparkly skirt. It will be the last day that I feel comfortable being myself and behaving like a child. Going to make the most of it, I suppose. I should have bought the most ridiculous onesie I could find for onesie friday. I feel guilty, I stole their thunder. I\u2019m sorry, I really am. I am a child. I am. I promise, no amount of years will make me a grownup. I\u2019m going to ask them for their phone number. Quit being a pussy and just ask. If they say no, you\u2019re no worse off then you are right now. Except you got rejected. But they won\u2019t say no. They\u2019ll say yes and send you funny videos and stuff. It\u2019s like your perfect penpal. I can continue to be a bad influence from a million miles away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep my head in the game. Focus on positives. Focus on goals. Focus on core values. I completed my dinner when I really really really wanted to restrict. I wanted to fail. I feel like I\u2019m still failing. How does Polly eat those scary foods? How do they do it? Why am I not ready to move to PHP? Why am I stuck? I want to recover. I want to get better. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. This is the worst thing ever and I fucking hate it. I feel so powerless and like I have no control and it sucks. Opposite action, name your thoughts. Snap your fingers. You\u2019re doing so well. You\u2019re not going to fail. Be strong. Strength, but no bail money. I hate this. I hate it so much. I hate change. Why does everything always have to change. Why can\u2019t the good things just stay the same? Why can\u2019t I keep the good things around me and just get rid of the bad ones. I swear to fucking god I hate this shit. I\u2019m crying again, but at least I didn\u2019t put on makeup today, so no black streaks down my face. Be strong. Be strong. Get through this shit so I can go home to Juniper. Remember your core values. Remember to be adaptive and persevere. This year has just been one shit show after another. I feel like nothing is going right and I\u2019ll never get it right. I hate this. I hate it so much. I\u2019m crying again, like a fucking baby. I hate trying to be strong when I feel like things are crumbling. I hate it. I hate it so much. I know there\u2019s so much to be grateful for and yet I can\u2019t see it. It\u2019s like I have on glasses that hide all the beauty of the world and only let me see the ugly. I know the beauty is there and I know if I just take off the stupid fucking glasses, I\u2019ll see it just fine. But I can\u2019t. Or I won\u2019t. I don\u2019t know which. Haven\u2019t we talked about this in group? I guess I\u2019m supposed to own it. It\u2019s a choice. See the world as an ugly hellscape where everything bad happens to me, or see it for what it truly is, a wonderful opportunity each and every day. I want friends that love me for who I am. Not what I am. Who I am. Despite my weirdness and awkwardness. Despite my inability to communicate. They love me and appreciate me for exactly who I am. But then, there\u2019s the self doubt. That son of a bitch, Mr. Negative. He\u2019s screaming in my face, \u201cYou\u2019re not good enough. You\u2019re not worthy. You\u2019re weird. You\u2019re dumb. You\u2019re GODDAMN UGLY. And soon you\u2019re going to be a disgusting fat fuck.\u201d Every day, all day. I don\u2019t want to listen to him, but he\u2019s in my fucking eyeballs and simultaneously screaming in both ears. And you know what? Most days, I think he\u2019s right. I don\u2019t think I\u2019m a good person. I think I\u2019m selfish and mean. I don\u2019t want to be, but I can\u2019t help it, it\u2019s just who I am. But it\u2019s not. It\u2019s who I was, I mean. I\u2019ve changed, I\u2019ve softened. I\u2019ve let the good out. The gentle, kind and caring version of me. I want her to shine through and break Mr. Negative into a thousand bits with her sunlight. The cure for darkness is the light. I want Clara to walk in the light and be the kind, caring, empathetic and loving person that she\u2019s meant to be. Before the hatred came. Before Mr. Negative took his ugly fucking grip. I want to be anything, but this shell of a fucking human. I want to be virtuous and righteous and altruistic. I want to have Brandon\u2019s heart, that cares for others. That sees a need and helps make a difference. I don\u2019t want to be shallow or vain. I want to empathize with those that are vain and shallow and help them find happiness in light. I just don\u2019t know how to do it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Another day. Saturday to be precise. Let\u2019s see, what\u2019s going to happen today? Well, one of the dinner questions is, \u201cWhat\u2019s your favorite word?\u201d And let\u2019s be honest, my favorite work is some variation of, \u201cfuck\u201d. \u201cFuck bunch\u201d, \u201cFucking Shit\u201d, \u201clet\u2019s fuck\u201d or IDK any way you word it, fuck is the best word. But, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal-entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10\/revisions\/11"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/okclara.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}