Woohoo. It’s 6:47, so I’ve got to run out the door, but this has been a fun morning. I got up at 5am and took a shower and listened to Melodrama on repeat. I took my time and put on my make up and drank 3 redbulls. YEEEEEHAAAAAA. More later, I’ve got a bus to catch. Whew, just in time and we got here a little early today, which is kind of nice. It gives me a little extra time to fill out intentions and journal, yay! I feel really good this morning, probably the sugar and caffeine. I hope I didn’t overdo it, but I got excited. I ordered Redbull from Postmates, but realized I put in the wrong address. I messaged the driver with the right address, but I expected him to not show up, so I ordered again with the right address. Both of them showed up at the same time, so I had 12 Redbulls, 6 sugar, 6 sugarfree. I drank 2 sugar and one sugarfree, so needless to say, I’m kind of flying this morning. If they get vitals my heartrate is going to be obscene. I got a message from Katerina first thing this morning, too. It was nice, I miss her and her positive energy, she’s so cute. It was weird, because I was actually thinking about sending her a message and she sent me one at that exact moment. Maybe we share a wavelength or something. Also, it’s shot day, which is always a fun day! It means the sky will be bluer, the grass smells fresher and the air feels warmer than any other day of the week.
I spent almost 2 hours this morning getting ready. I’m wearing my long skirt (with pink flowers) and my pink cardigan (the one with little bows on it). And I spent a ton of time on makeup, just because. It was so relaxing and I didn’t have anyone waiting on me. I listened to Lorde Melodrama all morning on repeat. I fucking love that album. It gives me courage, not only to continue on without Danielle, but to be authentic regardless of the consequences. I’m starting to really get into this authenticity thing. Priscilla’s words gave me so much courage to be me. Some people just have that effect on me. Polly is the same way, they make me want to be myself with no fear. It’s really freeing. If nothing else, this experience has made me feel ok about being me, which is incredible. A lot of the shame and guilt is starting to go away and I know that my disordered eating has a fair amount to do with that. Danielle Gauthier would shame me in one way or another everyday. If I dressed too nice. If I wore too much makeup. If I wore makeup too frequently. If I was too girly. If I was anxious or scared. If I cried too much. All of it, it was all “wrong” according to Danielle Gauthier.
I’m making new friends already here at PHP. I’m going to have to update my name’s key, so for the time being, I’ll just refer to them as other patients or peers. It’s been nice knowing a few people, but also just meeting some new people that are more advanced in their recovery. It gives me some faith that eventually I’ll be better, too. I still feel broken, but I’m hopeful that there is repair in my future. I hope Sarah comes here soon, she’s also one of my favorites and she was doing really well at Willow, so hopefully they send her over in the next few weeks. Margie is going to be here today and they were kind of bitching at the bus stop, but I’ll say, I like her. She’s a little sensitive and you have to be careful what you say around her, but she’s got a good spirit. I don’t know, I just feel like another familiar face isn’t a bad thing. She adds her own little flavor to the mix, so I will look forward to that.
Okay, not going to lie, the Redbulls may have affected my appetite just a little bit. I got to the cafe this morning and I was seriously not hungry at all. I ate a little over half, so I don’t feel too guilty, but I might have to go easy on them in the morning. And I definitely don’t want to drink them in the afternoon anymore. I woke up throughout the night last night and I’m pretty sure that’s why. I’d much rather get sleep than the energy buzz I get out of energy drinks. Plus, my team is going to notice if I come in every morning jittery and not hungry at all. I don’t know what that will mean for me, but I don’t think it will be good.
Getting the hang of things over here and it’s not too bad. The big thing is that there is a lot more going on and you have to manage your own schedule, because no one is going to come looking for you (most likely). Also, the groups are a little more precise, which is kind of nice. Willow felt like they only touched on a few subjects, so after several months, it got to be a little repetitive. Not that it was bad, but towards the end I was skipping so many groups and napping instead. Here I’m going to try and do better with group attendance. Yesterday was weird because I didn’t have my anxiety meds, so the last half of the day I hid under my blanket and they kind of let me get away with it. I doubt that will fly again. I might have to step out of group, but they’ll expect that I will come back.
We have about 25 minutes until the next group, so I need to figure out how I want to fill that time. Also, I have to pee again and I just peed, WTF. I drank a lot of liquid this morning, so I would expect some extra peeing, but not 10 minutes after I went. Is that TMI? Hey, I promised raw honesty in this journal, so body functions count, right? Well that’s what you’re getting, so fuck you if you don’t like it, this is my journal and I’ll write whatever I want. Speaking of this journal, I went to open it last night and the last 8 days were missing. I started to freak out a little bit, but I fixed it. It was just weird. But I’m going to make a habit of saving every night, just in case. I would hate to lose even one day, but that’s better than all the progress I’ve made. Also, Google is so weird. Yesterday a bunch of my pages were indexed and today nothing is. Seriously, this is why I quit SEO and marketing, you just never know what the major internet neighborhoods are going to do. I don’t know how they could count my journal as spam considering it’s all human written and unique content. I mean, it’s not like AI could be this scatterbrained, at least I don’t think.
Oh anxiety, anxiety. You give me no mercy. Why? Why not let me have a little peace today. I don’t want to jump out of my skin, but I feel like I’m going to at any given moment. I can’t believe I have to pee again, too. Geeeeez. I’m going to take a small stroll and come sit back down. I’ve got 14 minutes to make it happen. I’ll keep you posted on any developments while I’m out. It’s so nice out today, the sun is out bright and it’s warm, with the slightest cool breeze, but not too cold. It’s perfect. I just walked back and forth in the sun and took it in for 10 minutes and I feel better, just from that little bit of fresh air and movement. Okay, and Lorde playing in my ears, I feel like life is real again, if that makes sense. Even though I’m not back to real life quite yet, I can see, taste, feel and hear it and the senses all feel good. Sunshine is a powerful sensory tool.
I have to budget my clothes this month (gross), so I’m picking two items that I want the most. One is this ridiculously cute mini sundress with cherries on it. I’m buying that for Brandon that hopefully I can get before I see him again next week. I’m still working out where I’m going to see him, since I’m not allowed to have company or sexual activity at the apartment, ugh. I have all this pent up sexual energy that I need to use. Okay, AND I’m getting these really, really, really cute white mary janes. I had 3 pairs picked out and of course these are the most expensive, but they are without question the cutest. One thing that Sarah taught me in treatment was that I should have multiple pairs of mary janes and lots of frilly white socks (or maybe a different color for the white ones.) I know what you’re thinking, white shoes, really? You’re just going to stain them and ruin them. But my mary janes are my everywhere shoes, so it doesn’t matter if they get worn, it actually makes them cuter in this weird way that girls appreciate.
Talk a lot about Danielle Gauthier slut shaming me for wearing stuff she thought was too sexy. The funny thing is that I’ve actually started dressing much more conservatively most of the time. The skirt that I’m wearing today is long and absolutely stunning and something Danielle would absolutely approve of, lol. Not that it fucking matters, Betty approves of my short ass dresses and skirts. So do Katerina and Priscilla and other girls that actually fucking matter to me. I care more about what they think than I ever cared about Danielle’s opinion. What the fuck does she know. She wears shitty clothes, she a crust punk or whatever the fuck you call people that don’t bathe regularly and listen to post-rock and do heroin or whatever. Not saying she is doing heroin, but I also wouldn’t rule it out. Michael O’Flynn was into heroin at some point and Danielle was hooked on morphine a few years before our relationship, so I’m sure those toxic twins are going to end up doing some dumb shit sooner than later. Just speculation, I have no proof of this, of course.
Anyways, I love this skirt. It’s super frilly and has these adorable pink and almost red flower prints and the shape is really cool. It accentuates my hips and butt, but still looks very classy. And the nice thing about long skirts is that I’m not spending the entire day worrying about flashing people. I mean I still sit like a lady and cross my legs and whatnot, but I can sit on the floor and don’t have to be quite so careful standing, sitting and bending over. I’m just saying, my taste has matured quite a bit from a year ago. Baby trans is a thing that I think most of us go through while we’re developing our own style. Now that I’ve been around mostly girls for the last few months, I feel I have a much better idea of what my own style is and it’s not knee highs, stilettos and micro mini skirts. Unless it was just for Brandon, I might do it for him, but just for his eyes.
It’s ok to wear sexy stuff sometimes, you just shouldn’t make it your entire identity and timing is important. Also, leggings exist for a reason. You can wear really short stuff with the right leggings and it’s still cute without being slutty. Baby trans people don’t mind being slutty because they don’t understand the sisterhood. I’m really grateful for my time at Willow and the opportunity to find the sisterhood and join the club. I know who my sisters are now and they are not just the people that Danielle insisted were in the club. Actually, Danielle is such a cunt, I don’t think any sisterhood would have her, except maybe the smelly crust punks or whatever.
The meds on the dresser are what I take daily, lol. I’m crazy and that’s ok!
I was just sitting down and saw my legs and felt how smooth my legs are and how cute I’m dressed today and I realized, I really love being a girl and that’s okay. I am giving myself permission here and now to express my gender and be proud of who I am. I will never again let someone take that from me. It’s my gender expression and this is what I choose. Today I feel cute and sexy and fun and that’s okay. I’m allowed to be those things. I’m allowed to be feminine and be delicate and strong. I’m giving myself permission and my permission is all that I really need.
It’s been a bit of a strange day. Polly was crying in the hallway earlier, but they didn’t want to talk to me about it, so now I’m just worried. It sucks, I hate seeing them upset, but this whole treatment thing is like a roller coaster with ups and downs, and the lows can be very low some days. I had that yesterday, or well, something like that. They let me hide under a blanket for 3 hours at the end of the day. Today I made it to all the groups and meals. If I had my choice I would skip this last meal and just drink a Redbull and work on this journal, since I haven’t been able to write much today.
We just went for a “mindful walk” which means walking at a normal, but relatively slow pace and not burning a bunch of calories, probably 1/10 of a mile there and back to a little playground. It was actually really nice, just being outside in mostly cloudy air and strolling with my friends and co-patients. I really love the people in PHP already. They are all pretty chill. There are some other gender diverse people here too, which is kind of nice. I mostly just sat on the wall and watched everyone play like kids, but I eventually worked up the nerve to join some friends on the swings, and then almost immediately our MC told us we had to go. BOOOOOO! But no, it was really fun. I walked in the grass almost the whole way there and back and even with my shoes on, just feeling the soft grass below my feet was so refreshing. When you spend months in a hallway, you forget how nice little things like grass bouncing below your feet is, I appreciate it much more now.
Well, scratch the Redbull, lol. I got labs from this morning back and they were not good. My phosphorus levels were way too low, which can have heart implications, among other things. Scary shit. That is the game with eating disorders and why they are so dangerous. I have this funny feeling they are going to be sending back over to Willow, but that’s just a guess. Ugh. I was kind of liking this whole freedom thing I have going. But I am doing exactly what I told Dr. Parsley that I would do once I was released into the wild. I’m restricting, eating almost nothing. Unless Polly and Christina have me over for snack, I’ll probably just throw it away. I just don’t think I have what it takes to recover, but the consequences of that are so serious. I need to be hospitalized and undergo intense treatment, I just don’t think I’m PHP material, even though it’s way better than being locked in a hallway 24 hrs a day. Ugh. AND the real bitch is if phos is low it means bloodwork every day for a week, at least. I have great veins but fuck me, my arms end up looking all bruised and it starts to really hurt toward the end of the week. ANNNNDD we were supposed to go for coffee tomorrow morning, but now I have to do a fasting lab
And on top of all that, my divorce attorney is calling in need of stuff. Obviously I can’t go into a ton of detail other than to say Danielle is an asshole. They want us to use a court/government app to communicate. One, as an OPSEC novice, I don’t want some piece of shit app on my phone, because god only knows what it does in the background. Two, every therapist and doctor is telling me, “DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH DANIELLE.” If she really just wants Juniper updates, she can call Susan and talk about anything she wants with her. But leave me the fuck out of it. I don’t want to fall back into her trap. Also, just for the record, she is the one that went no contact with me. I’ve just been respecting her wishes. A byproduct of that is that I’m finally starting to heal, slowly. Re-engaging with her is only going to bring me down. I told my attorney as much. I don’t want to be in her life at all, even as a co-parent. Also, she can text me and that can’t be deleted, so it’s fucking stupid to use some government app. That’s a big no for me.
I’m supposed to go eat dinner now, but I have zero appetite and just want to go hide under a blanket. Talking to my attorney just stirred up a lot of emotions around Danielle and the trauma associated with her. There’s just so much pain that comes with that relationship and how it ended. We were supposed to be friends forever. I don’t get why things had to be the way they are. It just sucks. But it’s for the best. But it sucks. What sucks even more is now I’m going to be thinking about her for the rest of the night and I won’t be surprised if I dream about her tonight. That’s the worst, because the dreams are so fucking real and I wake up feeling like whatever interaction we had in my dream was real, whether it was good or bad, it’s just as real as if she were here. It’s enough to make me feel the feels all day and night long and my thoughts don’t disperse or whatever, remember? We’ve talked about this before. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. That’s how I feel today, I think. The irony of this stupid fucking eating disorder is that it was mostlly caused by trauma from Danielle, but she’s the one person that could get me eating right again. It wouldn’t even be that hard, she’d just have to facetime with me a few times a week and encourage me. It would cost her literally nothing but 15 minutes a few times a week. She wouldn’t be sacrificing anything. No one is asking her to come back or be married anymore. She can have her boyfriend and be in love or whatever the fuck they are. Lusty lovers that need sex dice to figure out how they want to fuck this time around. It’s fine. You can still love me and have your new relationship, dummy. I’m not stopping my new relationship, he’s nice to me and doesn’t put me down. But he also can’t get me to eat, that’s something you did for me. I ate for you, because it was comfortable eating with you. It’s miserable eating without you. I stopped eating when you left the first time and I haven’t started back, it’s just too hard. You promised me forever. You keep your promises, remember? That changed pretty quickly when I decided that spending 90 hrs a week working for $250k a year isn’t fucking worth it. Fuck that shit. I want to spend my days with Jude and my family. On the bright side, if this blog actually takes off and I manage to get sponsorships and what not, I’ll make a fuck ton more money and since we’ve started divorce proceedings, you won’t get shit.
Dear non-existent readers, don’t worry, I’m not going to put a bunch of shitty ads on the site, that’s lame as fuck. In fact, for now I’m not really worried about monetizing. I’m writing my heart out for the sake of emptying my brain, so I don’t have to sit on these thoughts day and night. It’s a coping mechanism that works. Go figure. Also, my dear non-existent readers, Danielle really, really, really, really wanted to be a writer, so if you happen to enjoy reading my stories and this does turn into my full time gig, it’s really gonna piss that bitch off. Just saying… There’s something different about this project versus every other artistic or commercial advertising thing that I’ve ever done. This is completely honest, raw and real and I don’t have a money motive. I do have a clothing motive, though. And when you see the cute af shoes that I ordered today, you’ll understand… I need cute things to go with them. I also ordered two summer mini dresses, one just for Brandon. He’ll love it. Actually he’ll love both of them, lol. He likes all my dresses and skirts, but I think the short ones are his favorites. He’s such a boy. But it’s actually a lot of fun to get to dress a little sexy for someone that appreciates it. Danielle would just call me a slut and shame me. That’s what she does. I probably should get some more leggings to wear under them when I wear them to PHP or to most places, lol. But Brandon gets to see my legs.
Can you tell how excited I am to get to see him outside of the prison walls at Willow? Now, here’s the problem. The apartments they put us in have two very strict rules that are going to make sexy time a challenge. One, we’re not allowed to have non-patients over. Two, sexual activity is strictly prohibited. With that said, my roommate Jim is pretty fucking chill, so I don’t think he’d care if I had someone over. However, Brandon and I aren’t exactly quiet when we’re…umm engaged in those activities. I can’t help it, he just knows all the right touches in the right spots. So, I’m either going to have to go to his house Saturday night, which is in the mountains and then have him drop me off at PHP on Sunday morning. But, he has a house in the mountains and it’s about 45 minutes from Denver, roughly, so we’d have to get up early as fuck on Sunday morning to get me back down here in time. I think we have to sign in by 9am on Sunday mornings. The other option is to get a hotel room Saturday night, which is doable. I evenhave a fuck ton of points that I could to use to get a room. Then we don’t have to worry about awkward roommate situations. We’d still have to get up early Sunday morning to get over to PHP on time, but we can probably get a hotel 15-20 minutes from here, so it wouldn’t be too bad. The other thing I have to consider though is I’m going to spend the evening with Juniper, from like 5pm-9pm (she’ll go to sleep around 7 or 8 probably, but I just want to sit with her and carry her to bed.) So then I’d have to meet up with Brandon after that. Oh, and my very accepting mother knows I’m trans, but I haven’t told her I’m dating a boy, so I don’t know how that will go. I mean, she didn’t bat an eye when I told her I have boobs now, so she might not react at all. I just don’t know and I don’t know if I am ready to tell her about Brandon yet. She’d probably love him. He’s very polite and so kind. He just seems like the kind of guy you can bring home to Mom and get approval from, but who the fuck knows, especially when she realizes he’s fucking her daughter… Yikes. That could be a lot to swallow for any Mom, even though I’m an adult. I mean, shit, she got weird about Danielle and I having sex, so I don’t know… I just don’t know. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Can you hear me screaming in my head? I don’t want to really scream and freak Jim out. I’m already strange enough, I don’t need to do more to freak him out. He’s such a chill roommate and guy in general. I know, I know, I keep saying it, but he’s such a gentleman and treats me with a ton of respect. The whole thing about carrying my luggage upstairs the other day really impressed me. I mean, that suitcase was heavy as fuck and would have been some work for me and Jim carried mine and his at the same time. I forget where he’s from and I’m kind of embarrassed to ask now because we were in treatment together for so long and I should know.
I got him for kudos the first or second time I did kudos and he’s so quiet, I didn’t know what to get him. But I had this really badass Nicola Jokic jersey (the official one with the numbers sewn on) that Danielle gave me. I kind of wanted to get rid of it, because it came from her, so I gave it to him with a note about why Jokic is the best player in the NBA, he takes shots and if he misses, he takes another and another and so on. Jim got me for kudos a few weeks later and gave “The Call of the Wild” and talked about how the main character reminded him of me because of his perseverance. I remember reading it when I was younger, but I want to read it again, it was such a kind and genuine gift. He’s a good guy. He’s a good guy that treats me with the same respect that he treats all the other girls in our unit, no different. That’s cool and I think it shows amazing character. I think Jim is going to make a full recovery, he’s done great with the program overall and progressed at a good rate. Guys with eating disorders are rare, but he was one of two on our unit and I would imagine the reasoning for guys is different from girls, but we all share certain qualities, like searching for safety, trauma, etc. He’s quiet and didn’t talk a lot in groups, so I couldn’t tell you what his exact reasons are, but I can tell you he’s a smart dude. He got these really cool lego projects and completed them. They’re like the super fancy ones, like Mclaren and Lamburghini and some sort of construction earth mover type thing. He also built this really cute cherry blossom bonsai that’s sitting at our kitchen table. I’ll try and snap some pics later. It kind of makes it feel a little more like home here.
My only concerns with him as a roommate is that I get up at like 4:30 AM to take a shower and play with hair and makeup and I like listening to music and playing guitar and I have terrible hearing from listening to loud music, so I have music going most of the time when I am home. But keep my room shut and he’s at the opposite end of the apartment, so I don’t think I’m super loud. I need to ask and let him know to knock or text me if I’m driving him crazy. Guitar is another thing… when I sing, it’s not like I sing softly. I mostly play Against Me! songs and you can’t sing those like a mouse. They are punk songs and meant to be sung as such. It just so happens that my range is almost exactly the same as Laura Jane Grace’s. I play them a little differently, she’s a much better guitar player than me, but I can belt out the melodies like a champion. When I was commuting to and from work I would turn listen to their songs loud as fuck and try to sing over the stereo and got pretty good at it. I remember reading somewhere once that Chris Cornell made his voice so strong by mowing his yard and singing over the roar of the lawn mower engine. I thought that was so fucking cool and I gained a lot of strength in my voice doing that with the stereo. I could even do the yelling parts and other harder parts where your voice would normally crack. Those are the parts that make your voice sound all rock and roll and shit. I would belt it out as loud as I could and then when I got home and turned off the car, I would keep singing and see if I could keep it going accupelo. I really want to work on my girl singing voice the same way. I’ll have to practice higher ranges, but Lorde is such a great role model to practice with.
When I consume music, I do it a little differently from other people. I usually listen to the same album for several months at a time, sometimes longer, and try to memorize the whole thing… all the beats, all the notes, all the instruments, all the back up vocals, etc. To me, music is like a giant puzzle and my job is to figure it out. The melody is usually the easiest part for me to learn. I don’t pay that much attention to lyrics most of the time, they’re just part of the rhythm. Lorde is kind of the exception, because I relate so hard with this album. I’m going to try and transpose them onto guitar, which may be tricky because she uses so many different instruments and piano chords don’t always transpose to guitar that well. But that will be part of the fun, learning some new hard ass chord changes.
Okay, I’m going balls to the wall and drinking another Redbull, sugar free this time. BRB and I’m going to reflect on the groups I attended today and how they relate or don’t relate to me. Just a sec. Okay, back.
Let’s see if I can remember what we talked about today. We did Daily Intentions, which is really similar to what we would do at Willow. It’s basically just a worksheet that talks about values, goals and skills we’re going to use during the day. However, at Conifer the sheets are much prettier and in color! But similar questions. My value today was persistence and I intended to meet that goal by attending all groups, meals, and snacks, which I did. I really didn’t want to go to the nutrition group. We were learning about plating food and portion sizes as well as what consists of a portion for different things, carbs, protein, vegs, etc. Just sitting at a table with all that food was gross and I really didn’t want to be there. I slept through the group before that, it was process and right after lunch, when my anxiety was at its highest for me. No one said anything to me. I think I get a lot of slack because it’s my first week. But also, process is one of the more stressful groups that we do. At Willow it was where we did the deepest dive into our emotions and topics that tended to be off limits. Conifer is a little different because the groups are more focused, so we hit tough subjects more frequently.
The group directly after intentions was about grief and loss and was a good group. We just talked about messages and myths surrounding grief. One of the big take-aways for me was that grief is not linear. Some days you may be fully accepting of your loss and the next day you’re back in the denial phase and that’s ok. Also, there’s no time frame for grief that you must adhere to, different loss takes different amounts of time. This hits so close to home with my separation with Danielle. Somedays, I’m just over it and don’t even want to think about her. Other days, I’m back at phase one bargaining or in denial about our split. I will eventually reach a state of mostly acceptance, but that doesn’t mean that things won’t bring back those other feelings as well for many years to come. I just have to feel the feels and ride the wave. Ugh.
Our other group was about standards, perfectionism and how they affect our eating disorders. For me, it’s a little different than the other girls in that I feel I have to meet a certain standard just to be accepted as me. I have to adopt femininity in a way that conforms to the American beauty standard or I’ll just be a dude in a dress. It’s complicated and I don’t completely understand it. And that’s not to say that the other girls don’t have their own struggles with standards, because they absolutely do. One said she wants the perfect body. Well, what is a perfect body? And do we really need to meet that goal? Can we lower our own standards and be happy where we’re at? I don’t know the answer to that because this eating disorder has its teeth in me, but I’m trying to at least remain open to the idea. I hate body neutrality, but body imperfection might be a tiny bit easier to swallow.
I feel like I failed today on a lot of fronts. I didn’t eat very much and I refuse to supplement, because I just can’t stomach it anymore. But I showed up for meals and stayed the whole time, except at lunch, I got up to get headphones and pee, but I came right back. And I tried everything except dinner, which was some pita bread hummus thing that just didn’t seem very appetizing. I should have at least tried it, but I just couldn’t do it. I had to wear my headphones for the entire dinner, too. I don’t know if that’s against the rules as Conifer. At Willow your team had to approve it, but no one said anything to me. But again, it’s my first week, so they are going much easier on me. Next week they will really start to challenge me more.
Tomorrow is rounds with my whole team. I should have brought the round’s sheet home with me to work on, but I guess I’ll do it when I get there in the morning. Alina said I should ask where my weight is at right now, because she knows that’s a big hangup for me. It’s a double edged sword, I want to know, but I’m afraid to know. She told me I’m nowhere close to 135 lbs., but what does that even mean? Am I still 125 lbs? Or 130? I have no idea and if I find out is it going to freak me out even more? Courtney said something that hit me pretty hard when I met with her on Monday (I think). She said I might not be ready for recovery and that’s ok. But what does that mean? Do I just quit and come back and start over in 6 months or a year or when I finally put myself in the hospital with serious problems? I don’t know what she meant, but it was kind of scary. Like was Courtney giving up on me? Is that what my team is discussing, discharging me while still sick? Is that supposed to motivate me? Am I supposed to keep going and just hope it clicks for me at some point in the next three months? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Screaming in my head again. I don’t know where I stand and I don’t know what the team is thinking. And I don’t know if I’m just dumb or what, but other patients talk about checking their chart and my ass can’t figure out how to do that. I want to know what they are writing about me, especially Dr. Parsley and Courtney. They’re the most cryptic, IMO.
I guess I don’t need the round’s sheet to start thinking about and writing down things that I want to talk about with the team tomorrow. I know one thing they are going to want is for me to commit to a goal for the week. I am scared to commit, because I go back and forth on wanting recovery and denying that I have an eating disorder and everything in between. The only thing that I can commit to right now is that I’ll keep going every day and I’ll keep listening to the groups and I’ll keep eating some when I’m there, although I can’t make promises on how much of what I’ll eat. I know, that’s bad. Why is this so fucking hard? I can commit to the fact that I don’t want to die anymore. I think both the therapy, time and the medications have made my SI so much less than it’s been in years. And same with SH, I don’t really think about it any more. Of course, it’s so impulsive, so I can’t guarantee that my brain is going to stay this way, but it’s nice to not have those thoughts be so pervasive every single fucking day. I guess it’s the safety aspect, too. I feel much safer now than I did three months ago. Danielle is far away and doesn’t have much influence over my life right now. That could change, but for now I’ll take the win. I feel safe.
Shit, it’s 8 PM and I need to call Bee. Good thing she was still awake. She’s been staying awake until I call. We chat for a few minutes every night and she gives me kisses and I give her kisses. It’s very sweet, but if I don’t spend enough time talking to her she gets very upset and stays that way the rest of the night, so I have to make sure I spend at least 15 minutes chatting with her. My Mom likes to talk to me and I’ve been trying to be more patient and talk with her some, too. It makes her very happy and it doesn’t hurt me at all. I just have to be patient and let her talk. I know that might sound silly, but I spent so many years angry with my Mom over all sorts of shit and so I had almost no patience with her. But the one thing that I’ve learned is that she is still here for me, even after we didn’t speak for a year. She quit her job, jumped on a plane and came so that I could go to treatment. And that was hours after I told her I’m trans, which she accepted and has embraced in a lot of ways. So, I mean, how can I be mad at her. Something I watched and learned from the girls at Willow is that many of them, Ella and Raine come to mind specifically, LOVE their parents and their parents were the ones that MADE THEM go to treatment, intervention style. But not only were they not angry with them, they embraced them more and relied on them for support. I guess I spent so much time with Danielle and her toxic family relationships that I forgot how to appreciate my parents. I’ve talked about it in this journal a little bit, but it’s worth mentioning again. When it comes down to it, my Mom has really kicked ass and helped me a ton. I could not have gone to treatment and focused on recovery at all if it had been Danielle at home with Juniper. Her mental state was just too fragile and she was already starting to work against me. My Mom being there allowed me to take these past few months to focus on getting well. Now, I know what you’re thinking… I spend hours ranting about how I don’t want recovery and fuck this and fuck that… and when I say those things, I probably do mean them. But at the end of the day, I want to be around for Juniper, she matters the most and I have to beat this eating disorder if I’m going to be around for her. She needs me as much as I need her. We have truly unconditional love for each other and I’m not willing to throw that away, it’s an amazing thing.
Okay, my semi-non-existent readers, I’m going to do important stuff, like try to eat my HS snack, take my phos supplement, take my night meds and take a shower/wash my face and get ready for bed. If google analytics is to be believed, a number of people have been on the site today and based on the information provided, they’ve even been reading my silly words. If you’re here and reading, thank you. I promise I’m going to make the site prettier and easier to navigate soon. I’ll also add a subscribe button, so you can get pinged when I post new posts. But for now, just know that I’m going to post everyday for the foreseeable future. I’ll try to include more pictures and stuff, too. I don’t know who you are or where you’ve come from, but thanks for stopping by and reading my ramblings. Feel free to leave me a comment and let me know who you are, where you from and how you found my journal.
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